Happy Birthday to you my dearest

24th May 2012. It was around this time, that I first laid my eyes on you. Since then, you have been my  most special. Those round, clear eyes.. Red cheeks and soft hands and legs with fingers that showed promises of growing long. I knew right then that you’d be the star wherever you were and I wasnt wrong about you stealing hearts wherever you went. At just one, you already are. You were born to be special. You always were and will always be special.

Your parents were my special two before you came along. For me, you were special at first sight. My first born will always be my second child. I may not see you quite often but you will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

And above all, there is one truth you should know. It is after I laid my eyes on you for the first time that I realised what I wanted from life. It was the one thing that made me get back to life. Thank you for coming into my life and changing it the way you did. No matter what, I will always love you. Always. Period.

Happy Birthday to my most special one.

Happy Birthday Lilian.

May you be blessed with the best that life can offer.

May you grow into a fine, independent and bold woman like your mother.

May you have the charm and humility like your father.

May you have an abundance of happiness and the strength to face life in all its magnitude.

May you live your life in all its glory.

These are my wishes for you, today and everyday.

The Other M

THe workplace doesnt seem like the old place anymore. Not with you missing. I still see the same people every morning, still smile at all of them but you aren’t around so I cant give my special smile. We were college mates( at least for a year) and never knew of each others existence! We have met at countless instances and still not been aware of each other. Its weird. Its funny how we became such thick friends in just a year. Not saying much. Just that I miss you.

The pulling each others’ legs o’er each thing small or big,

The lifting up spirits when one is down,

The going together for a nibble or a loo break

& trying to wipe off each others’ frown.

The begging for treats on every occasion,

The planning to go to the gym or was it swimming or both?

The “detailed discussions” of the future,

All the while sitting around in the sauna!!

The notions to do something different,

The super bitching sessions about the boss n office

The decisions to watch a movie or not to,

The unlimited hours of gossip,

The kind words of encouragement.

The long talks over the walks n workouts

ALL the messages

All these things–& more,

May seem to last just a while.

But the moments are PRICELESS,

Addicted

Happiness is addictive. Or so I like to believe. I think its also contagious. Like if people around you are happy, then maybe you become happy too.  So right now I am happy and am on the road to becoming happiest pretty soon. I  am happy and most of the people around me are also happy. Ok I am using the word happy one too many times. I gotta tell you things that are nice to hear and probably the reasons why I am so elated..

…..Mangu(The other M) is getting married in ten days and am super excited for her. Them.

…..Div is carrying and is due in November.

……Captain n Anju are also tying the knot soon. Babs and nandu are getting engaged in September. And so is another friend, Manu.

……All of us together will be starting our wedding shopping soon, hopefully.

……Das is happy because I am smiling all the time and singing and dancing all over the house.

……I am excited coz my own room might just be turing into a reality pretty soon.

……I’ll finally be meeting Deeps after a gap of 6 years!

……Joeeey is back in town and suddenly there seems to be a lot of things to do here!

……I have officially resigned and am looking forward to enjoying the Monsoon with loads of cups of hot piping tea. Finally.

……I start wedding shopping soon. Shopping! Such bliss and contentment.

……Old friends. New Friends. Reunions and more.

……A friend i thought I might never see for a long time is coming for M’s wedding. Or so I hear.

……I have begun to work out again and am feeling good about it.

……And then last but not least, except Whats App everything else that makes me happy is free! Hugs, inside jokes, friends, kisses, long walks, sleep, laughter, family and good memories.

P.S- I am addicted to happiness! Please touch wood.

I am back, for good.

I know I have been doing disappearing acts quite frequently from the beginning of this year but yeah, i am back. And I am back to being “jumpy in a nice sort of way” from “jumpy in a horrible sort of way”! You, as regular readers would know I have had two horrible years in a row and to be honest I was expecting this year to be horrible too. But, no(touch wood, now!!!!!! and only then continue reading). I am glad things are working out to be great(Touch wood again.)My head has been full of thoughts. All that I am going to write in this post would been written on separate days and in separate posts if I were around the last few weeks. But fortunately I was learning to keep my thoughts to myself. At least until it’s OK to spill them out. If you ask me, that indeed is a big thing for me to learn, if you knew me and my verbal diarrhea!

After very long phases of desperate fighting and proving and longing, I think I just about managed to reach a point in life where I had no complaints. But along with it has come a lot of cockiness. My edges have been smoothed out in the last few days, and for that I am thankful. I might just be a little more patient from now on. And a lot less cocky. But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop ranting about morons. I will just be more patient with them. But if someone gets on my wrong side, I will still wish hell upon them.  I have a lot to learn.

I think I have become so used to not bein happy that I am worried when I am happy. And I am so damn happy. Happy in a way that is scary. I smile a lot now. I sing most of the time. I laugh with people. I help random people. I am happy!The worst kind of anxiety is when your troubles show signs of ending. I am scared of this feeling of being on top of the world(which I, as a matter of fact was on top of at exactly this time last week. In the real sense.)Haa so I cant believe I can actually be so happy. Its like a new world for me and the best part is that life hasnt even started with Ro and I am actually already this happy! I believe in god now. I believe that when people say things dont work out because there is something much much better out there, it really is true!

I admire people who have the kind of faith in themselves that they can let go of clinging on to someone so “intangible” – God. For me faith was that last and final thing that brings me hope just when I am on the verge of losing it completely. Ro is spiritual and not religious and that I am glad. I have never been religious. But faith and deriving strength from it is a different matter – I am glad I have it now! i thank god every single day for giving me what I deserve. Yes, I cried to god for all sorts of things , fought with him because he didnt give me what I asked for and questioned him as to why he was making me go through so much and then finally I prayed to him and told him this,” Dear lord, I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made in my life. I promise not to repeat anything ever. I will forgive all those who have hurt me and will wish them well and pray for them all my life. I want you to forgive me as well. I want you to  make sure that you leave me with no options other than what  you want me to do and above all no matter what I want in life, I want you to give me what you have in store for me. That is my prayer to you.Today and everyday.” And this prayer gave me the strength to change my life and it has made me a much better person. I have found a man who loves me unconditionally and I am irrevocably in love with him too. And that I think is my true blessing from the skies above.

Friends. WHat would one do without them? I have a lot of friends but only a few have managed to form a lasting bond. Div and Deeps are my sisters in arms. The ones that I turn to when I need tht push. Joeey I wonder how miserable life would have been if you hadnt come back into my life at a time I needed someone the most. Bless you, girl. Mangu, my soulmate! Sin, the one that plans to stay behind the scenes for the rest of my life, Ol woman, there is no problem that I have that cannot find an answer when shared with you, I cant wait to get to you in September. Psycho, Captain you guys definitely make my world a better place to live in and last but not the least, my family. Thanks for accepting me with everything that I am.

Ro, a mention on a post is not enough to explain what you mean to me.So I shall not speak now. For now, remember that you are right at the centre of my world and you fill me with a love I have never ever known. During my times of struggle – major and minor – I have been told two things – “keep the faith” and “don’t forget to see the humour”. In the last few weeks of desperate anxiety and uncertainty, I tried my best to do both (see how grown up and all I sound? ). I can’t go into the details here, but all I am saying is that Ro and I have overcome our first struggle as adults and as a couple. And no, we were not fighting. Not this time And we have come out of all this stronger. Happier. More drunk on life. And I think more in love too.Thank you for loving me.

For now, there is work to do before I take a break, people to thank, songs to sing, prayers to say and a lot of love to give. I will see you around!

Not(e) in the mood- 21

When you’re little, night time is scary, because you think there are monsters, ghosts and demons hiding right under the bed. When you get older, the monsters are different. Self doubt… friendships taken for granted…..heart breaks…loneliness… anger….regret. And though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark. When I am usually in such a state. I try to sleep. It’s the easiest thing to do. You just have to close your eyes.

However, for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp. We want it, but we don’t know how to get it. But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help, night time may not be  so scary, because we realize we aren’t all alone in the dark.We enter the world alone, and we leave it alone. And everything that happens in between, we owe it to ourselves to find a little company. We need help. We need support. Otherwise, we’re in it by ourselves. Strangers, cut off from each other, and we forget… just how connected we all are. So instead, we choose love, we choose life, and for a moment, we feel just a little bit less alone.

 

Not(e) in the mood- 20

It’s a little bit horrifying just how quickly everything can fall to crap. You are thick friends on one day and then in a moment it all changes. Sometimes it takes a huge loss to remind you of who you care about the most. Sometimes you find yourself becoming stronger as a result; wiser, better equipped to deal with the next disaster that comes along. Sometimes, but not always.So when exactly do you decide to give up trying? Admit that a lost cause is sometimes just that? There comes a point when it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That’s when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all. And lets all just remember this always, nobody chooses to be a freak, to commit mistakes. Most people don’t realize they’re a freak and have committed a heinous crime until it’s way too late to change it. No matter how much of a freak you end up being, chances are there’s still someone out there for you. Unless of course, they’ve already moved on. There is also a chance that you fight for the relation to work and you realise that you are the only one who seems to want it to work and then you give it all up. Because when it comes to time and relationships, even freaks can’t wait forever.

Not(e) in the mood- 19

Turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing… sometimes you have to make a big mistake, to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful… but they’re the only way to find out who you really are and to know who values you enough to forgive you. I know who I am now. I know what I want. I’ve got the love of my life and a life that I’ve always wanted and I now know who are the true friends and who are the ones who just use you to get their job done.

In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, there’s really only one thing you can say…I am sorry. Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled. Old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.