Fatal Attraction

I breathed each drop of you

Off my finger tips

off the palm of my hand

Each breath a whiff of fresh

I breathed and I breathed ever more

Until the last drop ran out

I smiled, satiated

Knowing I will get no more.

I think its when I read this poem that I at least unconsciously began to realize the obsessive nature in me. I cling to people like a leech and if I am pulled out, i get breathless and I start sweating and gradually, little by little perish away.

Like management gurus and philosophers say, realizing something is half the part to correction(or something on those lines). SO yeah, I chose to not be the leech. I am going to do things my way and not let anything or anyone be my reason to be happy except my own self! I will have a symbiotic relationship with everybody!

Its a monday morning people, I am allowed to be grouchy right!

P.S- I just realized that there is a movie by the same name.

Ramblings-4

I am not as smart as I think I am. I took a test a while ago just to make me realise such harsh truths. Made mistakes, passed though. With flying colours too But I had created the test, so the flying colours don’t count, the mistakes do. Yes, I made mistakes in a test that I had designed. One day I may even get lost in my own house. (Does “my own” deserve a red marker?) I think I have reached my pinnacle of stupidity (or feeling stupid, at least this way I can say that I am a woman and what I feel may or may not be correct) but I dont regret it. Not now, not ever.

And with this, I welcome a month of madness at work. Madder than before, if that says anything.

I had been waiting for this day for sometime now and today its all falling into place. After 2 years of pushing myself to work everyday and grumbling and moaning, I finally decided to take a break. Getting married is the excuse alright but well god knows its not entirely true. So this month, till 14th June, is going to be madness at its best.

Here’s wishing me good luck

P.S- I think its really ok to show some madness sometimes. It gives you perspective.

To learn or not, that is the question

I had a super packed weekend. 2 weddings and one movie and visit to the hospital and lotsa running around. it feels like there was no weekend and the week is just going on n on without a break. Yesterday, a casual conversation sparked a thought off. Everyone around me wants to learn something. I will be honest with you, I have never really wanted to learn anything. I am not kidding! I studied what I studied because I first thought it sounded cool, and then I wasn’t allowed to quit. I could probably tell you things I have wanted to study – all “at that moment” sort of things. Journalism after watching Burkha Dutt (in her better days) on TV for an hour, Interior Designer ( After I was amazed at the work of an interior designer), Mass Communcation because someone said I was good at communication and finally Physiotherapist because my family said I had a healing touch!!! Then I realised I never really cared and thats how I became a Psychology Graduate.

I have had my moments – singing, photography, dancing and French even(I daydream about being able to sing in front of a bunch of people and getting a standing ovation. That is exactly what it is – a daydream. After 10 plus years of learning carnatic music, I made a debut on stage when I was in my teens and the  orchestra went horribly wrong and my confidence of singing hit rock bottom. To this day, I dont sing in front of people. I learnt photography for awhile from a very well known personality. He said if I like photography I’ll learn things myself! I took that as an excuse and started taking photos by myself without learning the basics. I learnt dance for 4 years and quit because the teacher threw a stick at me! French is a post for another day! You can say that I don’t have the discipline to learn anything. I can try to sound cool by saying that the theoretical first few days of learning something bore me enough to quit, and it might just be true. No wonder my college years were such a torture initially. Because of my complete, unapologetic inability to sustain the first few days of learning. But then again, what does education have to do with learning? (And that I really mean.)

There are things I want to learn. I am not sure if one can. Like shopping well. I shop. Not too expensive, nothing extraordinarily cheap. Most of my clothes are quite nice too. But they are all the same. Similar colours, similar patters. Cotton and denim. That is it. And I won’t count the clothes bought for occasions, because they are all packed to perfection exactly one week after the wedding. There is hardly any variety in my wardrobe. I wish I could go on a shopping spree and find 5 pieces of clothing, all completely different from each other and unlike the ones I already own. Even if I buy a new top, it will look like one of the older ones. I don’t know how I always end up doing this! How can I unlearn this?

My patterns of love, hate, and indifference are extremely erratic. If I am let down by someone I REALLY care about, I just turn away. Indifferent. But it is the non entities I lose sleep over. I just need to know they are alive. That is enough to irritate me. Turn me into a bitter person. Irrespective of whether that person is around or not. And there is a chance that these people neither betrayed me nor personally did me any harm. What the hell! Another thing that I need to unlearn, and learn the opposite of. Only I don’t know what the opposite is.

I want to learn how to really read something that is important but uninteresting. Rent agreements, bank letters, taught me how to put history lessons in perspective back in school. As you grow up, you realise that a lot of your presenforms. I can never read anything important. Important to everyday existence that is. Except the newspaper maybe. Page 3 or supplements

Of late I have wanted to learn driving. I mean I have always wanted to learn it but nothing has ever given me that push or urge to actually learn driving. But the other day I saw a foreign lady drive around a huge mean machine( Read; Fortuner) and I was gaping at it long after she was gone. I realised that  I just gotta learn it (It is a strange feeling to have foreigner excite me about learning to drive a car). And then,  I am going to learn to swim to just to help Ro get rid of his fear of water bodies. And then there are so so so  many things I want to learn! Maybe ten years later, I’ll blog on how many things I actually learnt after today. What say?!

So that is that. Do you know who can teach me all those things? Is learning always a result of teaching? I know the converse is not always true!

This is why i love these guys!

Ramblings-3

Some people say they will be there with you no matter what happens, some others will walk away from your life for reasons that dont make any sense at all and then there is the third category of people who will not just say that they will be there for you at all times, but will also hold your hand and walk with you through the happiest and worst of times. Thank god for them.

Am off for a week. No phones, no internet, nobody. I took a stand. And am glad I did. People who know me well, know that I am doing nothing wrong. And they are with me in the decisions I make. I am sick and tired of living life according to other people’s rules and so starting now, I am going to live life the way I chose to live it, the way I want.

Before I go, here’s a little something for you to ponder on; Do not ever comment on someone else’s life or the mistakes they make when you have done the same thing in the past. Someone forgave you and held you close inspite of all the mistakes you commited. Then why not give someone another chance? Why lose people to petty egos and misconceptions? Life is too damn short to waste it on hating and losing friends. And for once in your  life, just one damn time, be happy for someone else. The moment you start seeing happiness in other people,you will see your own miseries slipping away.

Oh and lastly, dont let anyone and I mean anyone take away what makes you happy. Its just not worth the hassle.

As for me, I am off to a place to meet someone whose mere presence makes me the happiest

Have a great week ahead

“Aint no mountain high enough

Aint no valley low enough

Aint no river wide enough

that keeps me from getting to you”

Ten Commandments to satisfyin a woman

I am sure most of you thought I was gonna write about some other type of satisfaction. Sorry to disappoint!I am getting married. Oh not so soon maybe but yes, in another 4 months I AM getting married. So everyday my friends n I keep talkin about everything converning marriage and we seem to come to this consensus concerning the relationship men and women have!  Women and men are as different as chalk and cheese. Men always find it difficult to understand women. Or so they proclaim.But believe us, we are not that difficult to understand. Just try to keep the communication channel open and see how things fall into their place. Here’s a guide of some of the things women wish men automatically understood and remember it’s neither rocket science nor micro-biology.

And the Ten Commandments are:

1. We know men are low in EQ (Emotional Quotient) but make an effort to understand emotions. But remember we don’t like men who can’t control their emotions. Cry babies (oops men) are not what we are exactly looking at in life! We’ll do the crying, you solve the problem!

2. When we talk, pay attention to what we are saying. Don’t just nod your head and continue watching the cricket match on television. Listen dont just hear! Most times, we are trying to catch your attention!

3. Your mother might be great in the kitchen and can whip up gourmet dishes in no time. But sorry we can’t go on listening to your running commentary on her remarkable culinary skills. Appreciate us, once in awhile. Tell us where you want us to improve.

4. We believe in the power of communication. So, talk, fight but don’t just go into ‘silent’ mode. Leave that mode to your mobile phones and us;)

5 All of us  completely love a dash of chivalry in our partners. So be courteous and show us that you are well brought-up.

6 Don’t brag. Showing off really acts against you. Be subtle about your fat pay packet, your swanky car and the like. That shows your class.

7. Don’t think that you own us. So, behave accordingly. Like men folk, we also like our own space.

8. Romance comes naturally to us just as sex is natural to you. We love it when a man expresses his love. So, please show us that you love. Say it through flowers, dinners, gifts and of course count surprises as an important element of our DNA. Understand these basic points and act accordingly

9. Don’t try to give us lessons on moral science. And for heaven’s sake don’t comment on a low-neckline dress that we wear and comment on how sexy the other woman in a similar dress looks!That’s a very cheap thing to do. However, if a dress doesnt compliment our body, SAY IT!!!!!!

10. Don’t crack jokes on our family members, close friends. Show your great sense of humour with a touch of sensibility.

 

Ramblings-2

I am not exactly sure why, but i seem to be on a rambling spree these days. Today as I sit down to write I have a  zillion disconnected thoughts on my mind. And so I decided that for a change I’ll just type whatever is on my mind. Again, let me warn you that none of it will have any connection!

Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time… Time to stand up… Time to grow up…Time to let go…

I know we’ve had our differences, and I’m sorry we’ve been out of touch. Believe it or not, I was trying to make everything better. I know you’re angry. I hope you’ll forgive me. Someday.

Too often, the thing you want most, is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken. It wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be… the people who suffer the most, are those who don’t know what they want.

Sometimes, when people say sorry, you just have to forgive them. Coz there may come a time when you would be asking for forgiveness and that person might just not accept it. “What goes around, comes around.”

Sometimes the people who you give least value to can change your life.

Maybe I do believe it, all this “meant to be” stuff. Why not believe it, really? Who doesn’t want more romance in their life? Maybe it’s just up to us to make it happen. To show up and be meant for each other. At least that way you’ll find out for sure – if you’re meant to be or not.

When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle; it’s funny, isn’t it? A weight lifts, the sun shines a little brighter, and for a brief moment, we find a little peace.

I’m a human being. I make mistakes. I’m flawed. We all are.