Fatal Attraction

I breathed each drop of you

Off my finger tips

off the palm of my hand

Each breath a whiff of fresh

I breathed and I breathed ever more

Until the last drop ran out

I smiled, satiated

Knowing I will get no more.

I think its when I read this poem that I at least unconsciously began to realize the obsessive nature in me. I cling to people like a leech and if I am pulled out, i get breathless and I start sweating and gradually, little by little perish away.

Like management gurus and philosophers say, realizing something is half the part to correction(or something on those lines). SO yeah, I chose to not be the leech. I am going to do things my way and not let anything or anyone be my reason to be happy except my own self! I will have a symbiotic relationship with everybody!

Its a monday morning people, I am allowed to be grouchy right!

P.S- I just realized that there is a movie by the same name.

Reality Check

Its a nice, cool morning, but its Monday and so I am moaning. As usual. There are some days that just knock u off your feet. Some days when u just wake up with a smile on our face, not really knowing that it will be the only one on your face the entire day. Some days when everything just seems to go wrong, as though the whole universe just conspired to make you feel utterly miserable.

Ever get this feeling that you’re watching your own life happen from outside? No, I don’t mean to ask if u have suffered a mild case of dissassociative disorder. Just that at times, u just feel that things happening to you, are not really happening to u. they are not really real. Well, this feeling that I get once in a while, often gets me thinking. What the hell is reality anyways. Who decides what is real n what is science fiction? I mean, matrix could be real. So could Twilight. Its convenient right? We have made categories for everyone to fit in. Even for those who don’t want to- they are the miss-fits. The radicals. If someone says or believes in something that doesn’t fit into the system, they are immediately cast away as schizophrenics, maniacs. The Not-normals. Come on, how many times have you done things that isnt normal in the eyes of the society and people around you? Does that make you a not normal person or a not nice person? Then how can you judge someone else and push someone away because they are doing something different?! Talk about double standards!

Alright I digress. This brings us back to my original question. Who decides what is normal? Whose reality are we living anyways? I remember one day in college, my friends and I had a HUGE debate over this. Well, mostly it was speed n me, with div trying to placate me, while supporting speed’s view. Speed claimed that reality was quite simply what she could see, feel, touch n hear. I countered that so does a schizophrenic( I am a psychologist too, remember), so why is that called hallucination? She counter-countered that, well what a schizo’s reality is something that only he/she can see. But her reality is something that all of us can…she, me,div, the guy sitting in the adjacent bench trying to evesdrop, all of us. So well, I asked, then that simply means that your reality is dependant on the corroboration of others. Which when simply put can just mean that whatever the majority thinks, believes, and says, becomes the reality. It may be wrong, but then u gotta live with it.

This brings us to another favourite theory of mine. That this big, beautiful world of ours, runs on a few sets of parameters. And on the assumption that every man, woman, n child, accept n believe in those parameters. These parameters may not always make sense, but they are essential building blocks of our world. If they crumble, we crumble. So when some enlightened soul stands up to question them, it becomes necessary for us to label them as crazy, so that we don’t have to grope in the darkness for answers. Because we are quite happy to live with the answers that we already have. So well, if we believe that matrix is a reality, it kinda burdens us with a need to take a stand. Do we, go on as we did even after knowing the truth? Or do we, like Neo, fight for freedom? Choice…it’s not just our greatest gift, it is also our biggest burden. We chose our reality. We chose what we want to believe. And we chose to be who we are. Reality, my friend, is a myth.

It’s all in your head…zombie.

The Dilemma of saying No or Yes

I have been attending trainings the whole of last week. Since I was outta office for a long time,somehow today it really felt like mo(a)nday morning! SO  I am grumpy! There have been quite some stuff happening around here which kinda makes me think as to why it is so difficult to say no or maybe yes sometimes.

I’ve always thought that ‘yes’ and ‘no’ are both perfectly acceptable answers to questions such as ‘Am I getting the job’, ‘Is this person really worth the time’, ‘Did they like me’ etc. If the answer is a no and I’m the one at the receiving end, I won’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt just a wee bit. Heck, I might even stay in bed for a day and expect my friends to act like their lives have come to an end, now that my job/life in general has not worked out. But I’ll get over it. And see it for what it is. I chose to put my pride out there where it could get beaten to a pulp and it did! And the person ‘dishing it out’ was in actual fact, being fair to me, by not leading me on.

However, what I’ve observed and absolutely cannot fathom, is the tendency for people to avoid giving an answer altogether. When it comes to bad news, I’ve been on both sides of the fence. And I can say for a fact that it isn’t easy telling someone that something isn’t working or seeing someone’s work and being stuck with the responsibility of telling them that they ‘just don’t have it’. It’s cruel. It’s scary. But it’s honest. And it’s the harder and better thing to do. Because unlike the breakee, the breaker doesn’t have the luxury of self-pity to fall back on. Only the guilt of breaking someone’s heart or destroying someone’s dreams. I think the whole problem behind this kind of evasive, non-confrontational behaviour is the need to be liked. By everyone.

Thankfully, this is not one of my many needs.

So I’m usually unaffected by issues such as ”my family thinks you’re too headstrong’ or ‘my friends think you’re stuck up.’ My only response is ‘what do you think?’ and I silently smirk at the thought of how much we tune our lives to what other people think!?But who do you say that I am?’ Sure enough, the person in question, in an attempt to give a manly/womanly answer, meekly agrees that it doesn’t matter what everybody thinks. Except that it does. He/She’s one of those I-want-everybody-to-like-me-so-I-lie-to-keep-everyone-happy types, so the relationship goes on for as long as it possibly can on a foundation of lies!

Sigh

Life would be so simple if people learnt to handle rejection gracefully and these evasive ones didn’t feel the need to be evasive anymore. Just think of how much time we could all save! Phew. Love might make the world go round. But ‘no’ makes it linear and less-complicated.

Girls love action, too.

Last evening, I was discussing movies with psycho and we went into various genres and he happened to mention this guy Jason Statham when we came to action and I blinked. So he told me how he was like the Rajinikanth(I wonder which one of the two would be more humbled) of the Hollywood dishum-dishum genre and didn’t even sound surprised when I looked him up and reported that I had never seen his face ever before. “Heh, yes, you’ll only see this guy in action flicks” he said. I explained that I do watch and even love action flicks, just not the ones that are action for the sake of action. But I’ve noticed this very common misconception – that women don’t like action flicks. Or would prefer  rom-com over action any day. I assure you, this is not true. But before I present my case, you should know that I am speaking  for the die-hard rom-com and chick-lit lovers, popularly known as “girls” or “chicks.”

Because I just watched Knight and Day and have a Tom Cruise crush all over again. Also, I’ve found my comfort movie for the next one year – a movie for all moods. See, it has all the right ingredients – action, romance and humour – that’s all I want from a movie, really. And life – a guy who knows how to live on the edge and have the ability to say ‘I’ve got this, June, I’ve got this’ in that supremely cool and confident fashion even when the bad guys have got him dangling upside down from the ceiling. Blush Blush…Goosebumps too.

Instead, I have always seemed to have had men-friends(I am engaged, i cant use terms such as boy friends for fear of being Judged!!) who – while they are supremely cool and confident and even say such things as ‘I’ve got this, Mads, I’ve got this’ – prove in the end that that they’ve got nothing. Anyway, the movie made me sighhhh and it’s been a while since I sighhhhed in that Oh-I-want-thaaaaat kind of way after watching a movie. So I decided to use the opportunity to set the story straight on women – sorry, chicks and action flicks.

Coming back to Knight and Day, I know a lot of women who would have very strong views on how this movie insults women’s intelligence. I mean, not only is the woman, June Something (played by Cameron Diaz) a prop in the movie, going around getting into trouble and acting helpless till our hero, Secret Agent Roy Miller literally dives into the scene from out of the blue to rescue her – she is also portrayed as someone who is incapable of following simple, straightforward instructions such as ‘DO NOT get into ANY vehicle because they will KILL you’, ‘STAY in the room, DON’T GO ANYWHERE’, ‘We’ll get up at the count of THREE’ etc.I know I should feel insulted but I lapped it up because I could totally relate. I would do exactly those things (the opposite) too if I found myself surrounded by tension and ambiguity. But see, there’s a simple logic to that. Ambiguity  implies action. Action implies testosterone and a general sense of manliness. Which in turn makes me weak in the knees and clouds my judgement.

Of course, to say that all women are like this would be wrong and unfair. I know a lot of women (like aforementioned Tom Boys) who’d rather fantasize about being the action hero than being rescued by one. But it’s just not my fantasy. I mean, I’ve just never had such ambitions. I’d rather be the girl-next-door who accidentally slips into the jaws of death just before being swooped up by hot, secret agent guy who keeps saying ‘I’ve got this.’ But even in my fantasies, I find it very hard to separate reality and refuse to jump off planes and get caught in gun fires (as all secret agents’ girls are expected to) and that’s where the fantasy usually ends.But this is the part that the movie tackles brilliantly.

See, our man keeps drugging her every time she panics and/or is expected to do dangerous stuff to escape from the bad guys. So she ends up sleeping through the scary bits and waking up in tropical islands to the view of secret agent coming out of the waters all bare-chested and muscular. Perfect.And in the end, the bad guys give her truth serum. So while our hero is wielding a gun, trying to keep away from harm’s way and asking her to ‘Go, hide behind the wall’, she’s busy saying ‘Oooh, Roy, this is so exciting. Life with you is sooo exciting!’ And when he appears a bit distracted because you know, he’s kind of preoccupied dodging death, she gets all sulky, pouts and goes ‘But you don’t seem happy to see me.’

Spot on. I wouldn’t even need a drug to do that.

This does not make me stupid though, it just means my brain is wired in such a way that when it spots an opportunity for romance, all other things get blurry. And action, the way we see it, induces romantic feelings (among other things). So if you’re going to be holding a gun and doing all those action hero gymnastics, you can’t blame me for taking a minute to drool and letting thoughts of romance get in the way of the task at hand. In fact, I don’t care who’s out to get that stupid battery you’re safeguarding, I’ll actually stomp my feet and demand that you kiss me right away. And I’ll judge you if the kiss doesn’t stack up to expectations.

So yes, assuming that girls like only candy floss or girls don’t like action is wrong. Most of us, like a bit of everything. Even the ones who say they don’t like action, like it in cutesy doses (as in this movie). Action, when it’s packaged the right way and in acceptable quantities is in fact most conducive for romance.

It’s like this – we feel about action the way men feel about lingerie – it’s great and puts us in the mood but at some point, it’s got to go off. So when a woman tells you she doesn’t mind action flicks, please don’t get excited and start boring her by listing out your favorite action scenes. That’s not how it works. How would you feel if she spoke of bras (not ones she was wearing or ever intended to wear) but instead droned on and on about the type and texture of the fabric?

So, if you’ve got the hots for a “chick,” screw the horror movie. Take her to an action-rom-com and when the time comes to brave the crowds queuing up for popcorn and she’s sulking about not being able to make it back to her seat in time after getting caramel popcorn, tell her in that cool and confident fashion – “I’ve got this.”

 

Just Above Average

Its a drab monday morning. I get cranky and moan every monday morning. However, this morning I have a thought for me you. Every day you try to do something with your life. And mind you, this isnt something you do knowingly, it just happens. You try because you think you will become great if you could just do that one thing that gets you noticed. It might be a presentation that you made in office. Or that idea you thought was brilliant. Or whatever it was. And then you look around. And no one is applauding. Wtf. Wasn’t this supposed to be your moment? So you either shrug your shoulders and try better tomorrow or you convince people that it was a good thing in the first place. You go around thinking you ARE brilliant. Then you start doing the same thing again and again. Until people realize that wow – that is some cool shit. And the people who are opposed to you even though they might think differently will say, what the hell, let’s just say it is cool shit! And soon you’re known for it. Soon, people start recognizing you for it. Soon people start believing in it. And it is awesome. Because soon enough other people start doing the same thing. And it spreads. The same thing goes on and on until a new generation breaks it with something different. Not great, but new. And then an entire era is remembered for that one thing. Even if that thing was simply an above average idea or mediocre.

Stop. No really, stop! Stop doing that.  Don’t let mediocrity rule. Do better or give credit to someone who does. You don’t always have to be the centre of attention. Your work might not always be the Best, even if you’re the Boss.

Excel. Or at least try to in every single sphere of you life. Mendacity seeps through our bones. Don’t let it rule your life.

Be better today. Otherwise we’ll just be a generation of average, ordinary and unremarkable people patting each other on the back.

And that sucks!

Randomness

Its one of those Moanday  when reality really gets to you n leaves you feeling real helpless about things happening or not happening in your life. Sometimes you see things happening, see people facing situations , which really make you wonder what these people are made of! And sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you have to face similar situations n then again you wonder “what kinda stuff are u made of?”
And then like I said……there are days when you wonder what you would  do….

1)if every single day of your life you wake up smiling making up reasons to do so and going to bed crying!

2) if you realize that someone has taken away your power to dream and no matter what you do, all you ever get are nightmares!

3) if your family- the only force which the world says is worth living for is the one who thinks you are a burden that they have to live with!

4) if to make matter worse, tell you that they think so.

5) if you are made aware and reminded of your shortcomings and mistakes every single minute the more u try to forget bout them.

6) when you  are the only one left out.

7) when you have to pretend to love the person you hate the most.

8) if you have to see the person u love most walk away to never even turn and ask you if you would be alright

9) when u can  no longer trust your opinions bout things n people.

10) if the innocence of trusting people , of believing friends, of dreaming bout your knight in shining Armour  the innocence of those beliefs you always had just leave you n go away all at once without any prior warning n you suddenly find yourself a changed person, n as people and more particularly friends say ,changed for the worse, cold , curt n most of all hurting.

11)when you realize  suddenly that you are liking it this way.

12) if you break all ties with someone when you realize that you are opening up again.

13) if the “new changed” you has always been the one person you would have hated to become, yet u don’t seem to hate yourself now.

14)if the people around you misunderstand you n you no longer feel it is important to clear up their misunderstanding even when you freaking know that this might just lose the bonds you spent  lifetime building!

15)when nothing really feels important to you anymore n you realize you are becoming more n more self centred by the minute n you don’t give a damn!!

16) When people, their mere sight gives you the creeps

17) if the only thing you want to do is to stare into oblivion!

18) When you begin to think that your misery is infectious and start staying away from people because you think that you might just infect their happiness!

19) When you stop and stare at a long distance bus and actually contemplate getting on it and running away!

20) if your miss goody two shoes attitude was changing to a snap at everyone attitude!

 

Just when you think its over

Pain is a funny thing. Just when you think the wound is healing and the scars are fading away,you get hurt in the same place and there is excruciating pain as though the wound is fresh. There should be some mechanism in the body (Read:  mind) wherein the same wound  doesnt pain as much as the first time. Its like you move on in life and try not to look back and all that and suddenly you meet people who knew you from the past and they ask you about the past you dont want to remember or talk about. Then again, you are thrown back into the abyss call the past.

Like I  have mentioned earlier, I  used to be this social person. Extremely social I would say. And then things changed. I don’t like people. I dont like meeting new people nor do I like catching up with people I used to know. New people means starting from scratch, talking about stuff, trying to make conversations, trying to have similar tastes and likes, spending time that you arent sure would do you any good or not and mostly letting yourself vulnerable to pain, again. People I know from long are a different story. I dont like them because they know too much from the past and I hate being burdened with it or questioned on it. I avoid them because they keep asking you questions from the life you once had, reminding you of tough times and crazy people and point fingers at you for not listening to them. Once again adding more volume to the pain. So either ways, people being people adds on to the pain.

Maybe I am becoming a sociophobic person. I do not know. I hardly use facebook, I blog as an unknown person, I dont make new friends and hardly make an effort to keep old ones, I listen to music on my headphone while travelling and gymming just to avoid conversations, I dont pick up phone calls unless the caller calls me twice simaltaneously and I avoid functions and social gatherings. Yes, I am becoming one helluva socio phobic person and have no qualms about it.

Isnt it truly funny, how much pain can actually change you? You simply have to ride it out, hoping that it goes away on its own, hoping that the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. It hits you so hard that you it just takes you down with it. You just have to fight through, because the truth is you can’t outrun it and life always makes more.