I think its when I read this poem that I at least unconsciously began to realize the obsessive nature in me. I cling to people like a leech and if I am pulled out, i get breathless and I start sweating and gradually, little by little perish away.

Like management gurus and philosophers say, realizing something is half the part to correction(or something on those lines). SO yeah, I chose to not be the leech. I am going to do things my way and not let anything or anyone be my reason to be happy except my own self! I will have a symbiotic relationship with everybody!

Its a monday morning people, I am allowed to be grouchy right!

P.S- I just realized that there is a movie by the same name.

The pulling each others’ legs o’er each thing small or big,

The lifting up spirits when one is down,

The going together for a nibble or a loo break

& trying to wipe off each others’ frown.

The begging for treats on every occasion,

The planning to go to the gym or was it swimming or both?

The “detailed discussions” of the future,

All the while sitting around in the sauna!!

The notions to do something different,

The super bitching sessions about the boss n office

The decisions to watch a movie or not to,

The unlimited hours of gossip,

The kind words of encouragement.

The long talks over the walks n workouts

ALL the messages

All these things–& more,

May seem to last just a while.

But the moments are PRICELESS,

…..Mangu(The other M) is getting married in ten days and am super excited for her. Them.

…..Div is carrying and is due in November.

……Captain n Anju are also tying the knot soon. Babs and nandu are getting engaged in September. And so is another friend, Manu.

……All of us together will be starting our wedding shopping soon, hopefully.

……Das is happy because I am smiling all the time and singing and dancing all over the house.

……I am excited coz my own room might just be turing into a reality pretty soon.

……I’ll finally be meeting Deeps after a gap of 6 years!

……Joeeey is back in town and suddenly there seems to be a lot of things to do here!

……I have officially resigned and am looking forward to enjoying the Monsoon with loads of cups of hot piping tea. Finally.

……I start wedding shopping soon. Shopping! Such bliss and contentment.

……Old friends. New Friends. Reunions and more.

……A friend i thought I might never see for a long time is coming for M’s wedding. Or so I hear.

……I have begun to work out again and am feeling good about it.

……And then last but not least, except Whats App everything else that makes me happy is free! Hugs, inside jokes, friends, kisses, long walks, sleep, laughter, family and good memories.

P.S- I am addicted to happiness! Please touch wood.

And with this, I welcome a month of madness at work. Madder than before, if that says anything.

I had been waiting for this day for sometime now and today its all falling into place. After 2 years of pushing myself to work everyday and grumbling and moaning, I finally decided to take a break. Getting married is the excuse alright but well god knows its not entirely true. So this month, till 14th June, is going to be madness at its best.

Here’s wishing me good luck

P.S- I think its really ok to show some madness sometimes. It gives you perspective.

I have had my moments – singing, photography, dancing and French even(I daydream about being able to sing in front of a bunch of people and getting a standing ovation. That is exactly what it is – a daydream. After 10 plus years of learning carnatic music, I made a debut on stage when I was in my teens and the  orchestra went horribly wrong and my confidence of singing hit rock bottom. To this day, I dont sing in front of people. I learnt photography for awhile from a very well known personality. He said if I like photography I’ll learn things myself! I took that as an excuse and started taking photos by myself without learning the basics. I learnt dance for 4 years and quit because the teacher threw a stick at me! French is a post for another day! You can say that I don’t have the discipline to learn anything. I can try to sound cool by saying that the theoretical first few days of learning something bore me enough to quit, and it might just be true. No wonder my college years were such a torture initially. Because of my complete, unapologetic inability to sustain the first few days of learning. But then again, what does education have to do with learning? (And that I really mean.)

There are things I want to learn. I am not sure if one can. Like shopping well. I shop. Not too expensive, nothing extraordinarily cheap. Most of my clothes are quite nice too. But they are all the same. Similar colours, similar patters. Cotton and denim. That is it. And I won’t count the clothes bought for occasions, because they are all packed to perfection exactly one week after the wedding. There is hardly any variety in my wardrobe. I wish I could go on a shopping spree and find 5 pieces of clothing, all completely different from each other and unlike the ones I already own. Even if I buy a new top, it will look like one of the older ones. I don’t know how I always end up doing this! How can I unlearn this?

My patterns of love, hate, and indifference are extremely erratic. If I am let down by someone I REALLY care about, I just turn away. Indifferent. But it is the non entities I lose sleep over. I just need to know they are alive. That is enough to irritate me. Turn me into a bitter person. Irrespective of whether that person is around or not. And there is a chance that these people neither betrayed me nor personally did me any harm. What the hell! Another thing that I need to unlearn, and learn the opposite of. Only I don’t know what the opposite is.

I want to learn how to really read something that is important but uninteresting. Rent agreements, bank letters, taught me how to put history lessons in perspective back in school. As you grow up, you realise that a lot of your presenforms. I can never read anything important. Important to everyday existence that is. Except the newspaper maybe. Page 3 or supplements

Of late I have wanted to learn driving. I mean I have always wanted to learn it but nothing has ever given me that push or urge to actually learn driving. But the other day I saw a foreign lady drive around a huge mean machine( Read; Fortuner) and I was gaping at it long after she was gone. I realised that  I just gotta learn it (It is a strange feeling to have foreigner excite me about learning to drive a car). And then,  I am going to learn to swim to just to help Ro get rid of his fear of water bodies. And then there are so so so  many things I want to learn! Maybe ten years later, I’ll blog on how many things I actually learnt after today. What say?!

So that is that. Do you know who can teach me all those things? Is learning always a result of teaching? I know the converse is not always true!

When I see you. The world, it stops. And all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you.There’s nothing else. No noise, no people, no worries, no thoughts, no yesterdays and no tomorrows. The world just stops and there’s just you. Its beautiful. When you go, the world starts again and I dont like it much. I can live in it but dont  like it. I just walk around in it, waiting for you to stop my world again. I love it when it stops. Its the most beautiful feeling in the world. Its the best thing to sense and see. That’s why I stare at you…….

And as I write this, i sing,

Reblogged from The EHS post:

All work and No pay makes Jack a dull boy.- Anonymous

The overwhelming reason candidates decide to explore new options is to get a better salary. At the same time most candidates are not sure - as to how to approach this tricky topic. Some are upfront about it and risk loosing their candidature. And there are some who are too nervous to even discuss this topic.

Read more… 448 more words

After very long phases of desperate fighting and proving and longing, I think I just about managed to reach a point in life where I had no complaints. But along with it has come a lot of cockiness. My edges have been smoothed out in the last few days, and for that I am thankful. I might just be a little more patient from now on. And a lot less cocky. But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop ranting about morons. I will just be more patient with them. But if someone gets on my wrong side, I will still wish hell upon them.  I have a lot to learn.

I think I have become so used to not bein happy that I am worried when I am happy. And I am so damn happy. Happy in a way that is scary. I smile a lot now. I sing most of the time. I laugh with people. I help random people. I am happy!The worst kind of anxiety is when your troubles show signs of ending. I am scared of this feeling of being on top of the world(which I, as a matter of fact was on top of at exactly this time last week. In the real sense.)Haa so I cant believe I can actually be so happy. Its like a new world for me and the best part is that life hasnt even started with Ro and I am actually already this happy! I believe in god now. I believe that when people say things dont work out because there is something much much better out there, it really is true!

I admire people who have the kind of faith in themselves that they can let go of clinging on to someone so “intangible” – God. For me faith was that last and final thing that brings me hope just when I am on the verge of losing it completely. Ro is spiritual and not religious and that I am glad. I have never been religious. But faith and deriving strength from it is a different matter – I am glad I have it now! i thank god every single day for giving me what I deserve. Yes, I cried to god for all sorts of things , fought with him because he didnt give me what I asked for and questioned him as to why he was making me go through so much and then finally I prayed to him and told him this,” Dear lord, I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made in my life. I promise not to repeat anything ever. I will forgive all those who have hurt me and will wish them well and pray for them all my life. I want you to forgive me as well. I want you to  make sure that you leave me with no options other than what  you want me to do and above all no matter what I want in life, I want you to give me what you have in store for me. That is my prayer to you.Today and everyday.” And this prayer gave me the strength to change my life and it has made me a much better person. I have found a man who loves me unconditionally and I am irrevocably in love with him too. And that I think is my true blessing from the skies above.

Friends. WHat would one do without them? I have a lot of friends but only a few have managed to form a lasting bond. Div and Deeps are my sisters in arms. The ones that I turn to when I need tht push. Joeey I wonder how miserable life would have been if you hadnt come back into my life at a time I needed someone the most. Bless you, girl. Mangu, my soulmate! Sin, the one that plans to stay behind the scenes for the rest of my life, Ol woman, there is no problem that I have that cannot find an answer when shared with you, I cant wait to get to you in September. Psycho, Captain you guys definitely make my world a better place to live in and last but not the least, my family. Thanks for accepting me with everything that I am.

Ro, a mention on a post is not enough to explain what you mean to me.So I shall not speak now. For now, remember that you are right at the centre of my world and you fill me with a love I have never ever known. During my times of struggle – major and minor – I have been told two things – “keep the faith” and “don’t forget to see the humour”. In the last few weeks of desperate anxiety and uncertainty, I tried my best to do both (see how grown up and all I sound? ). I can’t go into the details here, but all I am saying is that Ro and I have overcome our first struggle as adults and as a couple. And no, we were not fighting. Not this time And we have come out of all this stronger. Happier. More drunk on life. And I think more in love too.Thank you for loving me.

For now, there is work to do before I take a break, people to thank, songs to sing, prayers to say and a lot of love to give. I will see you around!

I stood undecidedly in front of the laptop, all the while looking at my phone.

Picking up the phone, I whats app’d a more intelligent friend, “What time is it in dubai now?”
“8.30 in the morning! Like you dont know by now!?!”

A boring, sulky, sad monday morning with nothing to look forward to. Except this. SO I continued to look at the phone and the laptop. I could picture him carrying his bag and walking over to his car. His sleek, white, automatic car. The one that stole his heart before me:). He would then put his bag in the boot, get on to the driver seat, say a  little prayer and get on the road. I could picture this clearly.

I dialed the number. “beep beep beep…”
My phone acts very weird when I call ISD. I knew it. That’s why I never call him when I most want to speak to him. Its the surest way I wouldn’t! We generally seem to talk about the weather. About the apartment he has, the work going on at my house..about the traffic and his car. About his flat mates. About his work. Mine too. About family. Or maybe just about how his day and mine…

Today its different. Probably because for a few days now, I am so used to seeing him next to me, I cant even get the timings right. I am so used to not having to ping him all the time on whats app coz he was with me that I cant seem to remember our routines online! I was so used to hearing him speak to me directly that I seem to have forgotten how he sounds on the phone. I tried again. I was subject to the same monotonous voice that would have repeated the same lines a hundred thousand times, the same monotonous voice that will repeat the same lines a hundred thousand times…

I think, the last time before he left, during some conversation, he told me to leave a message in case his phone is busy or if he didnt pick up. He was always a busy man. I like it that way. It kinda gives me the feeling that he wont have time to think and feel bad! Its partly the ridiculousness of talking to a machine… its partly, “What message do I leave?”. I never call him up to talk a specific topic…I call him to… I just call him…sometimes to say that I miss him, sometimes to just hear him and sometimes just for those stolen moments…

Walking out to the balcony, watching the sun scorn at the earth, I wondered if it would be like this there too. Hot. I knew it would be. I know. I walked. I took my phone and walked. I didnt want to walk but I had to coz I coukdnt just sit there. I learnt that day that I could not decide on a topic and think about it while I was walking. I was supposed to think of all the happy times we’d shared. Instead I found myself thinking how much life’s changed  since the last time we’d been with each other.

I must have walked a good 20 minutes, before another wave of lets-try-once-more hit me. I whats app’d my intelligent friend again. “What time is it in Gulf  now?”
“9.00 in the morning. Whats with you? Why you obsessed with the timing in gulf now? And why on earth you acting like you dont know! Its been just a few hours since you returned, you crazy crazy woman!”

I dial. Once again. Last time. I promise.

0097155……….

I was holding the phone tight, “Please let it ring…”

I was surprised when it did. And then, cut! The rich guy or rather the stingy guy! He hated me spending money on calling him. Oh well, he called back. He always did. Short, simple string of words. People wouldn’t believe it, but we were always stingy with words. Either he talked and I listened or I talked and he listened. It was hardly ever a dialogue.I talk to him. I tell him to have a great day. He says something again.… A few seconds later, when I feel bad about him wasting money on my call, I say a hurried bye and press the disconnect button with my finger… I could hear the eerie  sound one has to hear while the call gets disconnected, when I say “I miss you already….”