The Other M

THe workplace doesnt seem like the old place anymore. Not with you missing. I still see the same people every morning, still smile at all of them but you aren’t around so I cant give my special smile. We were college mates( at least for a year) and never knew of each others existence! We have met at countless instances and still not been aware of each other. Its weird. Its funny how we became such thick friends in just a year. Not saying much. Just that I miss you.

The pulling each others’ legs o’er each thing small or big,

The lifting up spirits when one is down,

The going together for a nibble or a loo break

& trying to wipe off each others’ frown.

The begging for treats on every occasion,

The planning to go to the gym or was it swimming or both?

The “detailed discussions” of the future,

All the while sitting around in the sauna!!

The notions to do something different,

The super bitching sessions about the boss n office

The decisions to watch a movie or not to,

The unlimited hours of gossip,

The kind words of encouragement.

The long talks over the walks n workouts

ALL the messages

All these things–& more,

May seem to last just a while.

But the moments are PRICELESS,

Addicted

Happiness is addictive. Or so I like to believe. I think its also contagious. Like if people around you are happy, then maybe you become happy too.  So right now I am happy and am on the road to becoming happiest pretty soon. I  am happy and most of the people around me are also happy. Ok I am using the word happy one too many times. I gotta tell you things that are nice to hear and probably the reasons why I am so elated..

…..Mangu(The other M) is getting married in ten days and am super excited for her. Them.

…..Div is carrying and is due in November.

……Captain n Anju are also tying the knot soon. Babs and nandu are getting engaged in September. And so is another friend, Manu.

……All of us together will be starting our wedding shopping soon, hopefully.

……Das is happy because I am smiling all the time and singing and dancing all over the house.

……I am excited coz my own room might just be turing into a reality pretty soon.

……I’ll finally be meeting Deeps after a gap of 6 years!

……Joeeey is back in town and suddenly there seems to be a lot of things to do here!

……I have officially resigned and am looking forward to enjoying the Monsoon with loads of cups of hot piping tea. Finally.

……I start wedding shopping soon. Shopping! Such bliss and contentment.

……Old friends. New Friends. Reunions and more.

……A friend i thought I might never see for a long time is coming for M’s wedding. Or so I hear.

……I have begun to work out again and am feeling good about it.

……And then last but not least, except Whats App everything else that makes me happy is free! Hugs, inside jokes, friends, kisses, long walks, sleep, laughter, family and good memories.

P.S- I am addicted to happiness! Please touch wood.

I am back, for good.

I know I have been doing disappearing acts quite frequently from the beginning of this year but yeah, i am back. And I am back to being “jumpy in a nice sort of way” from “jumpy in a horrible sort of way”! You, as regular readers would know I have had two horrible years in a row and to be honest I was expecting this year to be horrible too. But, no(touch wood, now!!!!!! and only then continue reading). I am glad things are working out to be great(Touch wood again.)My head has been full of thoughts. All that I am going to write in this post would been written on separate days and in separate posts if I were around the last few weeks. But fortunately I was learning to keep my thoughts to myself. At least until it’s OK to spill them out. If you ask me, that indeed is a big thing for me to learn, if you knew me and my verbal diarrhea!

After very long phases of desperate fighting and proving and longing, I think I just about managed to reach a point in life where I had no complaints. But along with it has come a lot of cockiness. My edges have been smoothed out in the last few days, and for that I am thankful. I might just be a little more patient from now on. And a lot less cocky. But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop ranting about morons. I will just be more patient with them. But if someone gets on my wrong side, I will still wish hell upon them.  I have a lot to learn.

I think I have become so used to not bein happy that I am worried when I am happy. And I am so damn happy. Happy in a way that is scary. I smile a lot now. I sing most of the time. I laugh with people. I help random people. I am happy!The worst kind of anxiety is when your troubles show signs of ending. I am scared of this feeling of being on top of the world(which I, as a matter of fact was on top of at exactly this time last week. In the real sense.)Haa so I cant believe I can actually be so happy. Its like a new world for me and the best part is that life hasnt even started with Ro and I am actually already this happy! I believe in god now. I believe that when people say things dont work out because there is something much much better out there, it really is true!

I admire people who have the kind of faith in themselves that they can let go of clinging on to someone so “intangible” – God. For me faith was that last and final thing that brings me hope just when I am on the verge of losing it completely. Ro is spiritual and not religious and that I am glad. I have never been religious. But faith and deriving strength from it is a different matter – I am glad I have it now! i thank god every single day for giving me what I deserve. Yes, I cried to god for all sorts of things , fought with him because he didnt give me what I asked for and questioned him as to why he was making me go through so much and then finally I prayed to him and told him this,” Dear lord, I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made in my life. I promise not to repeat anything ever. I will forgive all those who have hurt me and will wish them well and pray for them all my life. I want you to forgive me as well. I want you to  make sure that you leave me with no options other than what  you want me to do and above all no matter what I want in life, I want you to give me what you have in store for me. That is my prayer to you.Today and everyday.” And this prayer gave me the strength to change my life and it has made me a much better person. I have found a man who loves me unconditionally and I am irrevocably in love with him too. And that I think is my true blessing from the skies above.

Friends. WHat would one do without them? I have a lot of friends but only a few have managed to form a lasting bond. Div and Deeps are my sisters in arms. The ones that I turn to when I need tht push. Joeey I wonder how miserable life would have been if you hadnt come back into my life at a time I needed someone the most. Bless you, girl. Mangu, my soulmate! Sin, the one that plans to stay behind the scenes for the rest of my life, Ol woman, there is no problem that I have that cannot find an answer when shared with you, I cant wait to get to you in September. Psycho, Captain you guys definitely make my world a better place to live in and last but not the least, my family. Thanks for accepting me with everything that I am.

Ro, a mention on a post is not enough to explain what you mean to me.So I shall not speak now. For now, remember that you are right at the centre of my world and you fill me with a love I have never ever known. During my times of struggle – major and minor – I have been told two things – “keep the faith” and “don’t forget to see the humour”. In the last few weeks of desperate anxiety and uncertainty, I tried my best to do both (see how grown up and all I sound? ). I can’t go into the details here, but all I am saying is that Ro and I have overcome our first struggle as adults and as a couple. And no, we were not fighting. Not this time And we have come out of all this stronger. Happier. More drunk on life. And I think more in love too.Thank you for loving me.

For now, there is work to do before I take a break, people to thank, songs to sing, prayers to say and a lot of love to give. I will see you around!

Ramblings-3

Some people say they will be there with you no matter what happens, some others will walk away from your life for reasons that dont make any sense at all and then there is the third category of people who will not just say that they will be there for you at all times, but will also hold your hand and walk with you through the happiest and worst of times. Thank god for them.

Am off for a week. No phones, no internet, nobody. I took a stand. And am glad I did. People who know me well, know that I am doing nothing wrong. And they are with me in the decisions I make. I am sick and tired of living life according to other people’s rules and so starting now, I am going to live life the way I chose to live it, the way I want.

Before I go, here’s a little something for you to ponder on; Do not ever comment on someone else’s life or the mistakes they make when you have done the same thing in the past. Someone forgave you and held you close inspite of all the mistakes you commited. Then why not give someone another chance? Why lose people to petty egos and misconceptions? Life is too damn short to waste it on hating and losing friends. And for once in your  life, just one damn time, be happy for someone else. The moment you start seeing happiness in other people,you will see your own miseries slipping away.

Oh and lastly, dont let anyone and I mean anyone take away what makes you happy. Its just not worth the hassle.

As for me, I am off to a place to meet someone whose mere presence makes me the happiest

Have a great week ahead

“Aint no mountain high enough

Aint no valley low enough

Aint no river wide enough

that keeps me from getting to you”

Ramblings-2

I am not exactly sure why, but i seem to be on a rambling spree these days. Today as I sit down to write I have a  zillion disconnected thoughts on my mind. And so I decided that for a change I’ll just type whatever is on my mind. Again, let me warn you that none of it will have any connection!

Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time… Time to stand up… Time to grow up…Time to let go…

I know we’ve had our differences, and I’m sorry we’ve been out of touch. Believe it or not, I was trying to make everything better. I know you’re angry. I hope you’ll forgive me. Someday.

Too often, the thing you want most, is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken. It wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be… the people who suffer the most, are those who don’t know what they want.

Sometimes, when people say sorry, you just have to forgive them. Coz there may come a time when you would be asking for forgiveness and that person might just not accept it. “What goes around, comes around.”

Sometimes the people who you give least value to can change your life.

Maybe I do believe it, all this “meant to be” stuff. Why not believe it, really? Who doesn’t want more romance in their life? Maybe it’s just up to us to make it happen. To show up and be meant for each other. At least that way you’ll find out for sure – if you’re meant to be or not.

When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle; it’s funny, isn’t it? A weight lifts, the sun shines a little brighter, and for a brief moment, we find a little peace.

I’m a human being. I make mistakes. I’m flawed. We all are.

She is married!

Remember this and this? This post will be the end to that series alright. You know you’re someone’s best friend when you go to to that person’s wedding and everyone knows you! And for those who don’t, you’re introduced as a very special member with words like ‘Hey, Meet my best friend” etc. So my girl got married on 5th January 2013 and while I watched her say “I Do” with a voice that I couldnt stop smiling about later, I realised that dreams do come true. It does. All you need to do is to wait. Just a little patience and your dream would come alive. When I saw her that morning I couldnt help sit and admire how much she had changed overnight. Just last week we were shopping, giggling like school girls and making a hue and cry at the shop and now she was here, all decked up, smiling and ready to step into the next chapter of the classic book of life.

All I can talk about is her smile that day. She was smiling from cheek to cheek! While the prayer was going on, while her sister sang for her, while the blessings were showered on her, while Ashish said “I do”, while she said “I do” and through the length of the wedding, she was smiling! And a very naughty one that too. I have never seen a bride as happy as she was. Well she still is. I chose to believe that she was overwhelmed. But no. She was genuinely happy and man am so super happy for her.

Seeing her in a PINK saree sitting next to her man, looking all regal and elegant reminded me of the times when we used to care two hoots about our looks. I remember how much fun we used to have back in our college days. The who-cares-a-damn-about-what-we-wear- attitude and the make up sessions and the haircutting sessions and the saree session we used to have. Then it moved on to the girly phase were we did everything we could to look like girls! It was fun. And all that changed with the blink of an eye. Rugged, tough jeans paved way to elegant looking salwars. Floaters changed into dainty looking sandals. Scrunchy tied hair changed to well styled, blow dried, hair sprayed hair!

That my girl is beautiful,would be an understatement.She literally…literally…took one’s breath away. And through this solemn, peaceful composure – that only comes from a certainty of knowing that you’re doing the right thing  and that my girl is in trusted hands- I watched her as she went from Ms Diviya Ann Koshy to Mrs Diviya Ashish with a magical smile and a skip in her step.

When 2012 did end and 2013 began

Well well. Its the time of the year I love to hate! This is the post whew I introspect and also let my readers( Yes I  like to know that I have a lot of em) know how much progress I have made with my last year resolutions and also bring out the new list. So here goes!

• Start working out and get super serious about losing weight- Yes Yes Yes I did it! I work out 5 days a week now and have lost 5  4 kg!
• Stick to ethnic wear- churidars, kurtis and sarees(ONLY special occasions)- Yes to this too. have bought more churidars than t shirts and tops!
• catch up and maintain contact with ol friends- Ahem Ahem…ummm yes I have done that too. And made super cool new friends too.Doctor I, M, ANP, SIV to name a few.
• SAVE MONEY- I have! Enough to last me 18 months without a job whichh means I can even go on a holiday and splurge it all or maybe I should wait till I tie the knot:) or maybe not.
• Maintain an accounts book- No I cant do this one! Ill try next year
• and the cliched STICK TO THE RESOLUTIONS- I did, didnt I?!

Now that we have almost gotten over 2012, its time to throw some light on the year that was and also time to make some new resolutions. Clearly, 2012 is not working for me. It shall officially go down in the history books as the year of upheavals.

The beginning was alright. The whole of January was wasted on hoping that 2012 would be a great year. February bought with it a new friend, M. That was the highlight for the month and for many months thereon. March was lost in doing stuff for office- Appraisals, trainings, etc. April went off in a whoosh with a lot of holidays. And then came May with Lil Miss Sunshine’s arrival! June, my cousin got married and that was one event. All of us cousins getting together and having fun and all that. That passed too. July passed away with memories of a bygone life. Gym started sometime in August I think. Dieting started way before that. Deeps arrived at Dehradun to study further. September came with a realisation that sometimes your closest friend could be someone you took for granted all the while you knew him. Yes, Doctor I you became a part of my life in an irreplaceable manner the very same month I was born. I celebrated my 26 with much fuss and fun thanks to Sinsin and DC. Psycho shifted to Cochin in October. Captain got engaged in November and Joey got married to one of the most charming men I have ever met (Pssst….If Big B was around, he would have had one helluva complex. That I am sure of. ). Doctor I put down his paper and decided to move on to greener pastures(No,as much as you’d like to think, I did not drive him nuts to force him to put down his paper). Div announced to the world in December that she is getting married in a month’s time, much to the dismay of Deeps n me! And so is the other M. Well she is getting married in May. And sadly enough the world didnt end on 21st December like it was supposed to. So I spent the last 10 days at my native with family and learnt to drive!!!!!That was  2012 in a nutshell for me.

And to add to it all…

Due to very arbitrary restructuring at my office, my entire office is acting weird starting from the top to way below! Its stemmed from change in ownership from a joint venture to a wholly owned subsidiary: ambiguity and absolute madness!

Secondly, I have a set of people around me who seem to take it as a hobby to nag me about getting married and finding myself a guy!

And as if all that wasn’t enough…

The gang (Captain, Me, Psycho, ManU, Babs, Nandu,Joey) and I have decided to part ways for a while. (You gasped right then, didn’t you?) In the many years that we’ve been together, we’ve decided to split up. For all those who are close to me and us, I’m sorry that this is how you’re finding out but I just CANNOT go into explanations right now. It hurts too much and I’m dealing with it. We had a lot of issues which we just couldn’t ignore any more and all I’m going to say is that we all had our reasons. Although I’m not shutting out the possibility of us getting back together eventually and working things out, for the first time, I’ve acknowledged to myself that maybe we aren’t going to end up together forever(like I thought we would). Yes we will be keeping in touch and all that but we figured that we are all best if left to ourselves.

I’ve lost the man and my best friend. I also had to let go of my date for Tuesday mornings and my driver.The good news is that in spite of all that I have been put through I haven’t lost my sense of humour.

That’s 2012 for me so far.

I repeat… BAH!!!

So now that we have covered the year that was, lets move on!

This year, I hope to be as serious as I was last year with respect to my resolutions. SO here goes

• Learn driving
• Renovate Lotus(my house! So that I get a room that i can call mine. I still have a room but that was passed on to me from my brother and I have to move out to the lounge everytime he comes home!)
• Continue to workout and lose weight( maybe aim @ 60 kg)
• Maintain an accounts book(this one is recycled)
• Find a husband, if am entitled to that is!
• Paint more
• Go abroad! Even Bhutan/Nepal/SL would do. Or Maybe Malaysia Doctor I, you listening ryt!
• Get a new job- a more fun, thankful, challenging job.
• Learn one new language( that should be challenging)
• Be more optimistic and look for reasons to smile more. Ahem I hear that some people loveeee my smile.
• Be more organised
• Spend 10 minutes every single day for myself.
• Have fun!
• To do what I think is right and not what the society(Read : extended family, pesky friends, neighbors, unwell wishers etc)

Wish me luck and here’s wishing you an absolutely stunning, fantastic, peaceful yet mind blowing new year. May the best of last year be the worst of this year! See you next year!!!!

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