To learn or not, that is the question

I had a super packed weekend. 2 weddings and one movie and visit to the hospital and lotsa running around. it feels like there was no weekend and the week is just going on n on without a break. Yesterday, a casual conversation sparked a thought off. Everyone around me wants to learn something. I will be honest with you, I have never really wanted to learn anything. I am not kidding! I studied what I studied because I first thought it sounded cool, and then I wasn’t allowed to quit. I could probably tell you things I have wanted to study – all “at that moment” sort of things. Journalism after watching Burkha Dutt (in her better days) on TV for an hour, Interior Designer ( After I was amazed at the work of an interior designer), Mass Communcation because someone said I was good at communication and finally Physiotherapist because my family said I had a healing touch!!! Then I realised I never really cared and thats how I became a Psychology Graduate.

I have had my moments – singing, photography, dancing and French even(I daydream about being able to sing in front of a bunch of people and getting a standing ovation. That is exactly what it is – a daydream. After 10 plus years of learning carnatic music, I made a debut on stage when I was in my teens and the  orchestra went horribly wrong and my confidence of singing hit rock bottom. To this day, I dont sing in front of people. I learnt photography for awhile from a very well known personality. He said if I like photography I’ll learn things myself! I took that as an excuse and started taking photos by myself without learning the basics. I learnt dance for 4 years and quit because the teacher threw a stick at me! French is a post for another day! You can say that I don’t have the discipline to learn anything. I can try to sound cool by saying that the theoretical first few days of learning something bore me enough to quit, and it might just be true. No wonder my college years were such a torture initially. Because of my complete, unapologetic inability to sustain the first few days of learning. But then again, what does education have to do with learning? (And that I really mean.)

There are things I want to learn. I am not sure if one can. Like shopping well. I shop. Not too expensive, nothing extraordinarily cheap. Most of my clothes are quite nice too. But they are all the same. Similar colours, similar patters. Cotton and denim. That is it. And I won’t count the clothes bought for occasions, because they are all packed to perfection exactly one week after the wedding. There is hardly any variety in my wardrobe. I wish I could go on a shopping spree and find 5 pieces of clothing, all completely different from each other and unlike the ones I already own. Even if I buy a new top, it will look like one of the older ones. I don’t know how I always end up doing this! How can I unlearn this?

My patterns of love, hate, and indifference are extremely erratic. If I am let down by someone I REALLY care about, I just turn away. Indifferent. But it is the non entities I lose sleep over. I just need to know they are alive. That is enough to irritate me. Turn me into a bitter person. Irrespective of whether that person is around or not. And there is a chance that these people neither betrayed me nor personally did me any harm. What the hell! Another thing that I need to unlearn, and learn the opposite of. Only I don’t know what the opposite is.

I want to learn how to really read something that is important but uninteresting. Rent agreements, bank letters, taught me how to put history lessons in perspective back in school. As you grow up, you realise that a lot of your presenforms. I can never read anything important. Important to everyday existence that is. Except the newspaper maybe. Page 3 or supplements

Of late I have wanted to learn driving. I mean I have always wanted to learn it but nothing has ever given me that push or urge to actually learn driving. But the other day I saw a foreign lady drive around a huge mean machine( Read; Fortuner) and I was gaping at it long after she was gone. I realised that  I just gotta learn it (It is a strange feeling to have foreigner excite me about learning to drive a car). And then,  I am going to learn to swim to just to help Ro get rid of his fear of water bodies. And then there are so so so  many things I want to learn! Maybe ten years later, I’ll blog on how many things I actually learnt after today. What say?!

So that is that. Do you know who can teach me all those things? Is learning always a result of teaching? I know the converse is not always true!

I am back, for good.

I know I have been doing disappearing acts quite frequently from the beginning of this year but yeah, i am back. And I am back to being “jumpy in a nice sort of way” from “jumpy in a horrible sort of way”! You, as regular readers would know I have had two horrible years in a row and to be honest I was expecting this year to be horrible too. But, no(touch wood, now!!!!!! and only then continue reading). I am glad things are working out to be great(Touch wood again.)My head has been full of thoughts. All that I am going to write in this post would been written on separate days and in separate posts if I were around the last few weeks. But fortunately I was learning to keep my thoughts to myself. At least until it’s OK to spill them out. If you ask me, that indeed is a big thing for me to learn, if you knew me and my verbal diarrhea!

After very long phases of desperate fighting and proving and longing, I think I just about managed to reach a point in life where I had no complaints. But along with it has come a lot of cockiness. My edges have been smoothed out in the last few days, and for that I am thankful. I might just be a little more patient from now on. And a lot less cocky. But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop ranting about morons. I will just be more patient with them. But if someone gets on my wrong side, I will still wish hell upon them.  I have a lot to learn.

I think I have become so used to not bein happy that I am worried when I am happy. And I am so damn happy. Happy in a way that is scary. I smile a lot now. I sing most of the time. I laugh with people. I help random people. I am happy!The worst kind of anxiety is when your troubles show signs of ending. I am scared of this feeling of being on top of the world(which I, as a matter of fact was on top of at exactly this time last week. In the real sense.)Haa so I cant believe I can actually be so happy. Its like a new world for me and the best part is that life hasnt even started with Ro and I am actually already this happy! I believe in god now. I believe that when people say things dont work out because there is something much much better out there, it really is true!

I admire people who have the kind of faith in themselves that they can let go of clinging on to someone so “intangible” – God. For me faith was that last and final thing that brings me hope just when I am on the verge of losing it completely. Ro is spiritual and not religious and that I am glad. I have never been religious. But faith and deriving strength from it is a different matter – I am glad I have it now! i thank god every single day for giving me what I deserve. Yes, I cried to god for all sorts of things , fought with him because he didnt give me what I asked for and questioned him as to why he was making me go through so much and then finally I prayed to him and told him this,” Dear lord, I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made in my life. I promise not to repeat anything ever. I will forgive all those who have hurt me and will wish them well and pray for them all my life. I want you to forgive me as well. I want you to  make sure that you leave me with no options other than what  you want me to do and above all no matter what I want in life, I want you to give me what you have in store for me. That is my prayer to you.Today and everyday.” And this prayer gave me the strength to change my life and it has made me a much better person. I have found a man who loves me unconditionally and I am irrevocably in love with him too. And that I think is my true blessing from the skies above.

Friends. WHat would one do without them? I have a lot of friends but only a few have managed to form a lasting bond. Div and Deeps are my sisters in arms. The ones that I turn to when I need tht push. Joeey I wonder how miserable life would have been if you hadnt come back into my life at a time I needed someone the most. Bless you, girl. Mangu, my soulmate! Sin, the one that plans to stay behind the scenes for the rest of my life, Ol woman, there is no problem that I have that cannot find an answer when shared with you, I cant wait to get to you in September. Psycho, Captain you guys definitely make my world a better place to live in and last but not the least, my family. Thanks for accepting me with everything that I am.

Ro, a mention on a post is not enough to explain what you mean to me.So I shall not speak now. For now, remember that you are right at the centre of my world and you fill me with a love I have never ever known. During my times of struggle – major and minor – I have been told two things – “keep the faith” and “don’t forget to see the humour”. In the last few weeks of desperate anxiety and uncertainty, I tried my best to do both (see how grown up and all I sound? ). I can’t go into the details here, but all I am saying is that Ro and I have overcome our first struggle as adults and as a couple. And no, we were not fighting. Not this time And we have come out of all this stronger. Happier. More drunk on life. And I think more in love too.Thank you for loving me.

For now, there is work to do before I take a break, people to thank, songs to sing, prayers to say and a lot of love to give. I will see you around!

Not(e) in the mood- 19

Turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing… sometimes you have to make a big mistake, to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful… but they’re the only way to find out who you really are and to know who values you enough to forgive you. I know who I am now. I know what I want. I’ve got the love of my life and a life that I’ve always wanted and I now know who are the true friends and who are the ones who just use you to get their job done.

In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, there’s really only one thing you can say…I am sorry. Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled. Old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.

Run through the rain!

Well, I was at the Avial Concert last evening and just as the crowd and the band were getting on to full swing, it began to rain. Not just rain, pour.  Since this was unexpected, the crowd went berserk and it turned into utter chaos. But,amidst all this chaos, I found the time and space to enjoy the rain in all its glory. You would know that I am fascinated with rain, if you are regular readers.So while I was  getting soaked n thinking about how much my life has changed since it last rained, I suddenly remembered an old mail a friend had sent and I knew I had to post that here.

“A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in a supermarket. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. All stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart. Everybody waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in:

“Mom, let’s run through the rain,” she said. “What?” Mom asked. “Let ‘s run through the rain!” She repeated. “No, honey. We’ll wait until it slows down a bit,” Mom replied. This young child waited about another minute and repeated: “Mom, let’s run through the rain,” “We’ll get soaked if we do,” Mom said. “No, we won’t, Mom. That’s not what you said this morning,” the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm. “This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?” said Mom. “Don’t you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ‘If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!”

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn’t hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child’s’ life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

“Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If GOD let’s us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,” Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But….. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories…So, don’t forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.”

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Last night when I got drenched in the rain inspite of having a vehicle and a shelter, I realised  a lot of things. My life is changing every day but somewhere I seem to have lost the ability to enjoy the things that I used to. I seem to have excuses for not doing things I was supposed to and seem to have less time for people I genuinely love. When the rain washed away all my thoughts yesterday, I smiled like a little girl who was just given a large ice cream to finish! I promised myself that I’d make time to do things and take time to spend with people who really need me in their life. I promised myself that I’d take the time to make more memories.  I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Take the time to live…and don’t forget to run in the rain!

Dear God!

I think this week is about introspection and interrogation. I seem to be on a questioning spree this week. So while I prayed yesterday, my mind was wandering and I was thinking of letters. That’s when I thought of writing to the almighty! So…….

Dear God,

I am honoured to write this to you! I am not sure if this will be delivered or bounced but I am glad that I am writing anyway. I hope its not too cold up there( I get really cold when I am on the aeroplane so I figured it must be really cold on top). I also wanted to know if you could like change the image people have of you into maybe you wearing jeans and t-shirt and sitting on a harley or something. So eveytime I have talked to you its a one sided conversation so I know this one is going to be the same. Now, this time I have questions for you and I know you cant really come down and answer but you can always send someone on your behalf to answer these questions and I shall be happy to listen! Almost everything i want to ask you revolves around one word god, n that word is “WHY”.

WHY do u make people fall in love when u know darn well its “not to be”?

WHY do u get feelings involved whn u know they wont be reciprocated??

WHY do u give people hope that everything will be fine when actually nothing turns out that way?

WHY does some people get everything they want and why does some people get things they do not deserve at all?

WHY cant u make everyone get they want as long as it does not harm any other being?

WHY couldnt you make a few humans (men) as adorable and dedicated and loving as dogs?

WHY are babies dying 10 seconds after they are born?

WHY are people born with handicaps n deformities with no fault of their own??

WHY did you let man invent money?

WHY do you make diseases that cannot be cured. Obviously you have a cure! Then why dont you tell us or help us find what it is?

WHY did you create geography and religion?

WHY cant you take out terrorism? Arent you jeopardizing your own career by creating more and more followers of terrorism? Isnt it a SATAN thing?

WHY do you let people do their own thing when you know they are doing wrong?

WHY do you lead us into temptation every single day?!?!?! (Yes, even that ugly glance at the local pastry shop counts as a temptation you know)

WHY cant you make everyone beautiful and thin?

I know that in spite of these “why’s”, we still say that “life is beautiful” n the credit goes to none else but you..so HATS OFF…! You  aren’t just the one who hasn’t put obstacles but also given us the strength to move on. Maybe these trials we have to go through makes life interesting or Maybe its the heartbreaks we encounter that teach us to make the right choices and Maybe its the troubles which teach us to take life with a smile and above all maybe its these things that together make us better individuals and eventually make us closer to you but yet..god ..i wish u would resort to better ways to make us stronger ,cos not everyone has a threshold which can be gauged.

So on that note I remain.

Yours always (cribbing, fuming, ranting ,demanding,assuming),

M@ds

If you thought that my letter was weird, read the cute ones!!

To stay happy

Its Tuesday…yet another Tuesday in the life of mad!
mad loves Tuesdays…know why…cos it’s Tuesday!!! Actually I love every other day of the week except Sunday. Yes, I hate sundays because its followed by Monday!  I have always had that issue with Sundays. While I was in school, i used to detest it because we had a maths test on Mondays coz of which I had to sit n study on Sundays(or so I’d like to believe even though I never studied on Sundays . In college, I hated Sundays coz the next day being a Monday  I had to leave home on Sunday evening so that I could get to college on time on Monday! While at work, I used to dread Sundays because Monday used to keep hovering over my head. It was either Monday morning blues or the dreaded Monday meetings we used to have.

The most miserable thing in life is when u know that there’s something u don like awaiting u after something you enjoy! That’s the thing about weekends, the dreaded arrival of a hectic , busy, tiring week ahead clouds the fun mood of a beautiful “Sunday”.

Somehow i can never “enjoy the moment” cos i keep thinking of what lies ahead. All my friends tell me that its a very crappy attitude I’ve got towards life and that i should learn to enjoy the ride instead of sitting and counting the potholes! But *sigh*, its of no use. I’ve tried but just cant get the “potholes” outta my mind and that spoils the essence of the ride as well.

Wonder what god had in mind while making me.Why did he make me a “thinker”??(whatever that means to you, to me it means *a person who thinks too much* especially when there’s no need to) Another thing im famous for is “assuming”. My closest friends say that i cant bear to stay happy for long . Well this isn’t true!!I mean not exactly. Which person in the right mind wouldn’t want to stay happy??.)But everytime there’s a reason to be happy, i start doubting it and begin to wonder if i should really be happy about it. My stupid little brain starts assuming things, conjuring up imaginary assumptions on how there could actually be a negative associated with it, how it cud actually be “it doesn’t mean anything then what the f**k are you getting so thrilled about” situation.

BUT am trying to change for the better! Like I told you yday, the month being nice n spiritual, even though I couldn’t be happy and thankful the year through,  I’d like to give it a try anyway! So…come on help me out here, will ya!

I shall leave you with this:

“Monday’s child is fair of face,
Tuesday’s child is full of grace,
Wednesday’s child is full of woe,
Thursday’s child has far to go.
Friday’s child is loving and giving,
Saturday’s child works hard for a living,
But the child born on the Sabbath Day,
Is fair and wise and good and gay. “

I know I loved this rhyme when  I was in school!

Another struggling attempt to stay happy……

Love, Imagined

Disclaimer: Do not misinterpret whats written. Ppl who know my identity, do not call me, text me or ping me! It is imagined, or so I’d like or believe. So love live with it.

 

So today let’s go into the boundless realms of the imagination…actually, let’s imagine something quite mundane. So, suppose I’m a guy. And I’m in love. Hmm..mundane enough? Sure. There are lots of guys, many of them are in love, and many more are thoroughly convinced that they love. And I’m one of them, for now. And who is it that provokes emotions in the region encased by my ribcage? Well, a woman (coz this is a mundane imagining) who sets my soul on fire, brings light into my otherwise illumination-deprived life etc. So far so good. Ok, now let’s tweak the story a little bit.

 

Suppose she doesn’t love me. She also quite candidly admits to this little fact. So there’s no devilish subterfuge etc. Its all out in the open and I think, “Atleast she’s honest”, and I love her a little bit more. After all, it is my prerogative as to whether i keep bestowing my emotions on her. So what’s the point of all this pap, you ask. Hold on, the tweaking process is still on.

 

Now this woman sees nothing wrong in making me the on/off centre of her life, depending on the availability of substitutes!EEEEEE yup so what this entails is that I have to always be there for her in whichever manner she fancies her need to be.It could be in the form of a getting her a job, to lending money, to doing odd jobs, to teaching her to cook etc. I listen, I advise, I help, I act as her sounding board, I become her public relations officer, and I love and I love, love and love some more. In the process, I occupy various positions in her life: consultant, travel advisor, chef, odd jobs man, dustbin, pen paper and all other manner of stuff. Its still all ok, coz my love makes me want to give of myself, whatever I can, to her. I don’t stoop to think of whether she will ever consent to being a dustbin if I happen to need one. Love doesn’t lend itself easily to such selfish speculations. (Deep Sigh)

But one day, she makes dramatic statements to mutual friends about how I became her friend out of sympathy and how I am just another guy(like the zillion others) that follows her and that I am the guy who she can get all her job done etc. And with that she stops needing me coz the aforementioned substitutes make their presence felt. It hurts a little bit, and then a bit more. I think to myself that maybe its a good thing, maybe now I’ll have time for my life. The week after that, she decides that she can’t do without me, although she still is very clear about not loving me. I happily go back to playing a multidimensional helix of roles on her life. But this in-out process then starts happening regularly, like a joke that’s so hilarious that God keeps repeating it periodically coz it just never gets old.

 

Then my other friends start telling me that I should move on, that she’s using me etc. And I do see the point of it all, but how do I move on when i know how devastated she’ll be when she finds out? Somewhere in the back of mind is the niggling thought that maybe she won’t be so devastated, but I brush it aside, and i agonize everyday, a little bit more. So in this imagining, which may not be entirely fictitious, my central problem is why nice people like me invariably end up loving not-so nice people with few compunctions like her, when there are so many nice, perfectly lovable, caring people in this world. Why don’t I stop being there for her, even though, clearly, she’s the user and I’m the loser here? Why must I be such a fool for that brat? Why must I love the wretch who makes me so wretched? The answer, of course, is that I cannot blame stupidity or a lack of sense which is typical of humanity. The problem is that day after day, breath after endless breath, I make a choice: the choice to be stupid, to give myself to one who doesn’t deserve me by a long shot. And will I stop, you ask? What are you, stupid or something?

 

Sooo once again, I ramble. Lost…Or simply being me.

Will I ever learn?!?!?!God, help me!

Oh and I was just imagining, by the way.