Running away

Have you ever thought of running away? Yes, I have. A couple of times. On trips to Bangalore when I was my own and only company, I have thought of just running off to some place where not a soul would know me or find me. Its not that I have too many problems in life but there are problems that I really have to run away from. Thoughts and memories that keep coming back to me no matter what. And that is frustrating. I was never like this. I loved life. I had people telling me that I had a spark in me, a spark that would never go off even if I was having a bad time.

Now there isn’t anyone telling me anything. No spark, no people. I cry all the time..I get annoyed very fast.. I shout..I act bad to people…n Now, all I want to do is run!

I want to run away from everything. It was a point where I could just not put up with anything or anyone. I couldn’t take it any longer. I just want to run. I took a long way home one day to decide what I want to do in life and thought. I realised slowly as tears blurred my eyes that no matter where I run, I am never going to get any peace of mind. I realised it is not people who were pulling me down, it’s the thoughts and memories. People remind me of good times I had and how it all ended. They remind me of places, times and memories. I am carrying it all in my mind, afraid that if I let it go, I might not survive. I tried to cry it out, but then the pain turned into anger and I couldnt.

Running away…but lately  I have  realized, the one thing I want to run away from is the person I am… from myself… but darn- it just keeps coming with me wherever I go!

If one day, I muster the courage to run, don’t stop me n don’t come looking for me…

Matrimonial Purposes

I know I have written on marriages around 4 years ago but come on, I was a kid then!

So after an ordeal that went on for ages, my dad won. Or lets say my family won. I was going to do the unthinkable or rather I did the unfathomable and registered on a marriage site! Ya ya laugh all you want, but I had to do it. In a way life was scaring me. Most of my friends were getting married and some of them already have kids and are planning the next one! Forget marriage, I do not even have a guy! I was  am scared I will die at 80, looking outside the window waiting for my man to come! So that was the one and only reason I had to register myself on a marriage portal(well not exactly, come on you could look at cute guys and nobody would say anything! :p

I must admit I have gone through these sites before for my cousin and a couple of my friends but this time it was different. I am clueless! I dont know what I am looking for then how am I supposed to fill up those questions and blanks?! I always believed which later on turned into hope that I would fall in love and get married to that guy I had found. But at 25, you have a remote chance and the odds are all against you. I was open to falling in love and had no criteria in particular, but this was different. I was supposed to fill up details of “The Man” i expected or wanted. Height, weight, favourite cuisines and hobbies, profession etc all required in detail.

Above all that I had to post a couple of my photos online so that the prospects can “view” and then send us a message. Well from the time I remember, my best friends and my brother have told me that I am quite photogenic(ahem ahem) and that people who see my fotos will think i look pretty when in reality i am not . Grrrrrr whatever! So that by itself was an ordeal. I did add a couple of fotos and my dear friends gave one look at it and started laughing. Now I am thinking, I should probably upload some of my whacky fotos or the morning photos that I have. I duunnoooooo!!!! Someone help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its been a day since I have become of matrimonial type and I am shit scared and apprehensive about my future. Can I jus find someone and get married or will I die waiting? I keep thinking of the friendsI have and how we were introduced bcoz I would love to have a guy who is my friend turned husband. Come on, think of getting up next to a person u hardly know! Think of how difficult its going to be to let a complete stranger be a part of your life! A guy who hardly knows my name trying to make my family and help me in making my dreams come true(O hell, he doesn’t even have a clue of what my dreams are).. I am kinda getting psyched and nobody seems to be listening.

P.S- I am scared and am seriously thinking of running away to Bhutan!