So anyway my twenties have been a period of continually forgetting and rediscovering parts of myself. in many ways, i think i had a much stronger sense of self until the age of 20. that’s not to say i was happier, cos i definitely wasn’t, but my ideas about who i was were rigid, and if nothing else, there was a sense of security in this.
In my twenties i suddenly had all these choices – especially once i finished my degree and i began to figure what i liked to do, who i liked to be with, and i realised that my life was of my own making, and i was free to make whatever choices i liked – from the most mundane to the most profound.
Every choice has repercussions. Each choice uncovers bits of myself that I didnt realise were there. and simultaneously draws attention from the parts I was previously focusing on.
So life is this dance – this push and this pull – this ebbing sea, and i am never quite sure who i am, or where my boundaries are.
Then, suddenly, it all comes together, and i realise that i am standing outside myself, with the space and freedom to look in on myself.
It doesn’t happen very often, but in those moments i am not just finding a part of myself…
I am seeing who i really am in the reflection that I see right before my eyes……
The face stares back
From behind the invisible wall
Fogged and drenched in
Speckles of vapor and
A shadow of a vacuous life
Not remembered but
Shapeless Like the ominous sky
Shimmering like a gemstone
Washed in the murky waters
Of fate reflecting a formless deity
Who stares at my blurred form
With undead eyes
Black, humid and crisp