Posted in close to heart

Awake, in thoughts

She can’t sleep though she never had a difficulty in going to sleep. That was once upon a time though.  Every time  she shut her eyes, images flit across, like a movie. The temper in his voice, the raised tone filled with anger, frustration. And then the audio track runs. ‘You cant understand me.’ ‘No respect for my time or space.’ ‘ What do I not do to make you happy?’ ‘Pushing my limits.’ Everything

She turns over, all restless. And then the past. A recent, not so old past. ‘Leave me alone.’ ‘I regret you.’ ‘I am not the one you’re looking for.’ ‘There’s always more than one.’ ‘Life has to move on you know.’

She waits, lying on her side, waiting for the pain to ebb into something dull. She has no more tears left. She glances at the clock above her bed. It shows 2:15 am. She remembers telling him, ‘At midnight, magical things happen.’ And then he called that night and said “I Love you.” She sighed, that was again a thing of the past.

For a moment, she thinks of missing work the next day. The thought of curling up into a ball and just lying there is very appealing. But her chin moves automatically upwards. She has had enough of the people she loves. They will not love her back the way she wants them to. Ever.
She rubs her tired eyes. They seem to be murky most of the time now. The red t-shirt she wore seems to dissolve into a pool of blood by the side of her bed.  Tears? Drool? Or just blood?She experimentally reaches a hand out, as if  he would be there like he always said.’ Your head on my chest and me holding you tight.’Nothing at first. And then, she feels a warm  something feel her hand. For a moment, she imagines his lips over hers. And his face blurs into that which can never be. The something would as usual be the teddy he gave her as a valentine day gift, once upon a time.

Far far away, in a not so small, white house, in the rainy July’s of Kerala, a man throws off his blankets and mutters ‘ Screw this. I couldn’t even sleep last night’ . He isn’t  sure why he is so restless.

Maybe he was awake in someone’s thoughts…




There is a deep and cosmological connection between my birth, my parent's decision to name me what they did, my profession and my education. This brings me to the conclusion that fate is predetermined and like in Hindu mythology, is written by Brahma when someone is born. Example: My name is unique. I did my grads in Psychology. I then did my masters in HR (offshoot of following all the psychos). I then did the ultimate decision of joining an MNC in ............. beat it, BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT. So, I have the concept 'MAD' in my name, my education, my choice of career and all the milestone decisions of my life. Now, is it predetermined or what ? :-D

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