Posted in close to heart

Old at heart….

The Protagonist in the movies, especially when there is a moment of realization is shown as the one person in a crowded street, facing a sea of humanity as they rush past her   (look i chose to make the protagonist a she coz I can write and relate to her well) in their black or grey clothes, while she looks perplexed/afraid/annoyed/whatever based on her histrionic abilities, while a bright coloured scarf unwinds itself from her neck. Cue the inspirational/sorrowful/suspense music.

Truly I am in such a close up and then tracking shot right now. Except, maybe if the production values were reversed, I am the one in the black dress looking perplexed, as people, family, friends, acquaintances rush past in their colorful chic clothes, creating this storm of chatter and yet not really calling out to me. I think it suits me just fine. I want to be left alone. I do not want to make meaningless conversation.

All I feel like doing is to just sit on my bed, watch marathon TV shows, drink endless cups of tea and occasionally check phone or facebook. Nothing interests me any longer. Nothing except music and maybe food to an extent. But that’s it. I find most people tiresome, boring. I can’t talk about my feelings or dreams because I fear they will not be understood.  The fear is from the fact that I did try talking to a very very close friend but he didnt get it. I can’t blame him coz he is not used to such complexities in life.

I am losing interest in my job. I do not want to be told sit here, walk there, eat now, pay now. Money I earn is not even a feel good factor these days. I think twice before putting up a blog post, worrying people will say I am selfish, I am a horrible person, how dare I write such things etc. Imagine that. I fear the potential words of strangers I probably will never meet. Every word I think of is analyzed carefully to ensure there won’t be anger as retaliation. I am a coward. I am terrified of confrontation. I hate it when I intently explain something that means a lot to me to a friend, and then get a pale washed out opinion in response. Why can’t people try harder? Here I am, telling you why something made me think out aloud, why that something made me care, and all you can say is oh okay? Oh okay? What sort of response is that? Why are people so lazy that they have stopped thinking? Or caring?

50 days before I turn 25 and a quarter life crisis already. Great.

Now does that mean I am getting Old??



There is a deep and cosmological connection between my birth, my parent's decision to name me what they did, my profession and my education. This brings me to the conclusion that fate is predetermined and like in Hindu mythology, is written by Brahma when someone is born. Example: My name is unique. I did my grads in Psychology. I then did my masters in HR (offshoot of following all the psychos). I then did the ultimate decision of joining an MNC in ............. beat it, BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT. So, I have the concept 'MAD' in my name, my education, my choice of career and all the milestone decisions of my life. Now, is it predetermined or what ? :-D

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