Om Shanti OM!!!!
We come across Baba’s of all types. Even this profession has been totally commercialized and yes, its a very suitable profession which can fulfil all your desires with the big bucks you earn. Guru’s of all kinds will be found in this fish market. The thing which I have been noticing since many years, especially the past few months is that every single person on this earth must have thought at least once about being a hermit. Every drunkard must have thought while being drunk that there is no point in living and getting his ass kicked in this world… n One kudiyan(drunkard) will say to the other “ Da, ee jeevithathilu ini onnum nadakanilla namakku sanyasathinu pokam” : transalated as ” Hey, there is nothing more this life has to offer, let us become sanyasis” and even the ones who neither drink nor smoke do wonder about this stuff. IF you say you have never wondered, heck your wondering now by reading this post!
We enjoy mocking at the thought of us being saints! But if we actually sit and ponder we will realise that none of us have the sincerity to be a monk! Even then there are some lucrative points which can be fully relished on after being a sadhu!
- No hairy problems : You can grow hair on any part of your body. You don’t need to wax or shave or go through any such painful process. You can shamelessly roam around showing your smelly armpits and if your a junglee baba then even the word “hygiene” can be removed from your dictionary. You can harvest a whole family of lice’s on your fiery head. You will never have to worry about any deodorant or perfume, you can gladly make your bhakts smell your natural body aroma. You can grow as long beard as you wish. The more longer it is the more better it will be to make your bhakts believe in your years of Sanyas(no pun intended). No, offence to the hair less and takla baba’s. You can be a baba without hairs as well. Your forehead needs to sparkle even more than a disco ball. Your followers will consider that as your third eye and will think of you as a medium to God. Just learn some magic tricks and hide stuff in all your hairy places. For those who don’t have hair, you wont have the freedom to show of your body so wear more clothes, you need these clothes to hide stuff for your tricks. Hairy baba’s can appear more during summers and hairless baba’s can appear more during winters.Even followers need variety you see, they will get bored of one baba very soon, so keep appearing seasonally.
- No education required: Heck! education no longer counts these days, if you have failed in everything you ever did in your life be a Baba. You just need to know how to talk the philosophical jargon for hours and hours. You will even end up attracting NRI clients even. People are very depressed these days. All they need is someone to constantly tell them about the spirituality of life and happiness,so you just have to talk uselessly and rest leave it on them. They will fund you, provide you with all the facilities, you will never ever have to worry about any of your needs from then on. See, you will even have firangs in your surrounding to create a beautiful ambience. If your really really ugly looking then firangs are a must. You must wave at your followers like Deepika Padukone did in OM SHANTI OM ( see even that movie had a spiritual name, so learn something from it!). For doing business globally you need to be a sophisticated baba. If you don’t have marketing skills, then find the followers who are and patch a deal with them, grow your empire. You be the face for the public and let them be the brains behind your success.
- No talent required : Baba’s are not expected to be very talented. You need to know how the lunacy aspect works in this profession. Learn to twist your body in every angle,no better example than Baba Ram Dev for this. (No offence, but I don’t give a damn about him). Else sit under a tree for years, you will be a “tree baba”. If you always felt the need to expose, be a “Naked Baba”. Else break your teeth and be a “Teeth broke baba”.You need to have some form of insanity within you or if your plain normal then start being abnormal. Your insanity will be considered as a spiritual guidance given by almighty lords.
- All Carnal Desires fulfilled: You will have a lavish palace to live (even though in public you have to say you sleep on the floor) but they don’t need to know the truth always. lying is an art, you need to learn that in this line.You can eat whatever you want but not in the eye of public. But no you cannot sleep with whom so ever you want. See here comes the glitch. You don’t want bad publicity and you don’t want to go to jail and do baba giri there, unnecessary expense of lawyers and a severe damage to your image. So if you need to be a baba forget about all Indians. They are your brothers and sisters.You cannot sow your spiritual oats in this country. For that the outside world has ample meat. Go out there, have a long vacation every once in a while and have all the pleasures there. Else the media will crucify you and fry your balls with a smirk on their faces. Small sacrifices have to be made in every profession so accept it and move on. Learn from the mistakes of all the previous baba’s like Swami Nithyananda so go outside and have fun. Even our erstwhile guru’s had brain’s to have affairs quietly so even you should utilize the stuff lying dead in your skull.
- Power, Money and Respect: You will have all the power on your followers, you will tell them to eat shit and they will gladly eat shit. You can empty their pockets as much as you want. And since they no longer respect themselves they will give all respect to you. Its a profession which has quite an amazing power over the masses. So be manipulative and utilize this power. You need to be evil to know what is good. So be the GOD for them.
- Fame: Every darn media channel will follow you. If you did achieve to maintain your image for quite a few years. you can even open your own personnel channel and publicize your name all across the world. Go with a long term plan. You did fail in everything else. So use a strategic approach in this one at least. All the reporters will hang on each and every word of yours like bees to a hive. Mama and Papa will be so proud of you and even all your relatives will give your “misaal” to your other loser cousins. But please keep your Ex’s away. Even they will harp on this publicity so pay them money quietly and tell them to stay away. After all you do have power and you live in a democratic country and you can easily destroy anyone since you have the money.
In the end, no offence to any baba’s or any other people I mentioned (as if I care) but do have your insanity intact and you will definitely succeed.
I’ll leave you with this cartoon I chanced upon: