Disclaimer: DO not read this post and assume things. Please. I live a normal life and will continue to do so, everyday.
I have, from my earliest memory had a “thing” for hand rails. You know the things people hold on to while climbing stairs, standing on a balcony etc. I love them and I have never known why. Atleast not till very recently.
I have loved heights. Being on top of buildings, going upto the terrace, standing on a balcony on a very high floor, hill stations, cliffs overlooking the valley etc have always made me high! High on life? I don’t know. But high. It’s probably one of the reasons I have always wanted to stay in an apartment on the top floor or the reason I choose hills to seas during holidays.
In a pensive mood the other evening, I walked.. a lot. There is this apartment that I have cherished for the longest time bcoz I have been there with my family, years ago and I know the view the balcony of that apartment has. I walked in and went up to the terrace. Stood there for the longest time , all the while thinking and contemplating. (Not on suicide, silly) well not exactly.
As I stood and looked down to the ground, whatever I was thinking came to a sudden halt. And I though, how do people feel, right before they jumped or for that matter just before suicide? I held on to the railing and climbed to the other side and looked down. A million thoughts came rushing in. faces of my favourite people, moments I have wanted to live all over again, places I have visited and so many many other things. I wonder what it would feel like t jump? From the moment I jump to the time I hit the ground, what would be my thoughts? Will I regret that I cannot be with the people i love, feel or touch anything, smile,cry or go through pain?
I could almost see me falling. There was a strong gush of wind, like someone was pushing me back and I held on tightly to the hand rail.I realized, right then, why I loved hand rails! All my life I have wondered why I have a fascination something so mundane. I realised that hand rails gave me strength,it made me feel that i had something to hold on to, like someone would be there to help me not fall down or help me to get up from a fall. Heights made me feel protected, like no one could touch me or I dunno,something like that.
These days, whenever I feel sad or scared, dumb as it may sound, I just need to climb up to a terrace and hold a railing ans sit down and I feel courageous to do anything.