Posted in m@dness

Of Hand rails and Heights

Disclaimer: DO not read this post and assume things. Please. I live a normal life and will continue to do so, everyday. 

I have, from my earliest memory had a “thing” for hand rails. You know the things people hold on to while climbing stairs, standing on a balcony etc. I love them and I have never known why. Atleast not till very recently.

I have loved heights. Being on top of buildings, going upto the terrace, standing on a balcony on a very high floor, hill stations, cliffs overlooking the valley etc have always made me high! High on life? I don’t know. But high. It’s probably one of the reasons I have always wanted to stay in an apartment on the top floor or the reason I choose hills to seas during holidays.

In a pensive mood the other evening, I walked.. a lot. There is this apartment that I have cherished for the longest time bcoz I have been there with my family, years ago and I know the view the balcony of that apartment has.  I walked in and went up to the terrace. Stood there for the longest time , all the while thinking and contemplating. (Not on suicide, silly) well not exactly.

As I stood and looked down to the ground, whatever I was thinking came to a sudden halt. And I though, how do people feel, right before they jumped or for that matter just before suicide? I held on to the railing and climbed to the other side and looked down. A million thoughts came rushing in. faces of my favourite people, moments I have wanted to live all over again, places I have visited and so many many other things. I wonder what it would feel like t jump? From the moment I jump to the time I hit the ground, what would be my thoughts? Will I regret that I cannot be with the people i love, feel or touch anything, smile,cry or go through pain?

I could almost see me falling. There was a strong gush of wind, like someone was pushing me back and I held on tightly to the hand rail.I realized, right then, why I loved hand rails! All my life I have wondered why I have a fascination something so mundane. I realised that hand rails gave me strength,it made me feel that i had something to hold on to, like someone would be there to help me not fall down or help me to get up from a fall. Heights made me feel protected, like no one could touch me or I dunno,something like that.

These days, whenever I feel sad or scared, dumb as it may sound, I just need to climb up to a terrace and hold a railing ans sit down and I feel courageous to do anything.




There is a deep and cosmological connection between my birth, my parent's decision to name me what they did, my profession and my education. This brings me to the conclusion that fate is predetermined and like in Hindu mythology, is written by Brahma when someone is born. Example: My name is unique. I did my grads in Psychology. I then did my masters in HR (offshoot of following all the psychos). I then did the ultimate decision of joining an MNC in ............. beat it, BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT. So, I have the concept 'MAD' in my name, my education, my choice of career and all the milestone decisions of my life. Now, is it predetermined or what ? :-D

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