Its been a weird two three weeks. Lots of changes, less time to get used to the changes etc. Trying to get on with life can be excruciatingly painful and difficult especially when you have to get on all by yourself. I do have people I can speak to but something is missing. Its like I have lost a part of me somewhere. No matter how much I try becoming my old self: the ever jumping around, making noise, making people smile, willing to do anything girl: I just cant seem to do anything. I cant smile with my heart. I cannot laugh at a joke. I am not able to sit in one place and write. I cannot walk without tripping and I just cannot concentrate and focus on anything! So
I was having a talk with an old friend and was reminded of my college days in Coimbatore. Like I have mentioned before, one of my bestest friends is a bhutani. Well she is not exactly a bhutani, her mom is Indian, her dad is from Nepal n she has been born n bought up in Bhutan! So that makes her Bhutani! Coming back, well we both were used to having conversations ranging from hush hush topics to spirituality. We used to have looong conversations over cups of coffee or pepsi or over plates of noodles. It was during one such conversation that she mentioned about a place in Kovai(nickname of sorts for coimbatore) , a bit far from our college, called Dhyanalingam. She didn’t say what it was. All she said is “Mad whenever you want to go somewhere for peace and be alone for sometime, let me know.”
For two years I never got a chance to ask her about the place. Just when I was beginning my final year at college and I was in a mess with lots of things to think about (noooo not affairs! Jeez there are million other things in life, you know), I knew I needed a place to think and contemplate in peace and that’s when I remembered Deeps telling me about that place. So off I went and woke her up from her siesta and asked her the details. She asked me to get ready by 8 in the morning on Sunday and come to her room. Sunday Morning at 10, I found myself standing in a bus station waiting for a bus to Siruvani. Well after almost an hour or two, she woke me up and said it was time to get off. We took an auto and reached a gate after about 20 minutes. The road was quite narrow and looking around I couldn’t believe I was in Coimbatore coz there was so much of greenery.
Much to my amazement, the gate was that of an ashram. What actually surpised me was that this ashram had a welcome sign for all religions. A wall size picture of a man (saint) whose face I remembered seeing in a few posters somewhere stared at me as soon as I entered the gate. The ashram was like a normal one in the first look. But I was proved wrong with each step I took. I have had been this person who hated godmen and ashrams of any kind. But a few hours in that ashram made me rethink a lot of things. After a round of the ashram (which by itself was an eye opener), a very elegant looking lady stopped me at a huge door. By door, I mean a HUGE door. She said I had to leave all my belongings outside. Jwellery, watch, mobile, bag, shoes, etc. Deeps was already taking off her stuff and I was convinced this was not her first time here coz a lot of people seemed to know her. Before I entered deeps said “Mad, this would probably be the best gift I can ever give you. So enjoy.” And off she went tip toeing inside.
The door opened to a HUUUUUUUUGEEEEE double dome inside which was a shivalinga almost 10 times as tall as me. It was huge and it had some glow that I had never ever seen before. No one told me what to do and I had never been here before but it was like someone was guiding me coz I found myself sliding into a small chamber like structure which could fit in just one person at a time. I looked at the shiva linga and smiled and then closed my eyes. It wasn’t meditation. It was more of a conversation between me and nobody in particular. I spoke about all my troubles and cried, got angry, cried again and then it was a strange feeling. It was weird at first and then it began to surround me. It was peace and a strange calmness. Something I had never felt in all of my life. It was so very strange. I don’t know how long I was inside that structure but when I came out of the dome, I felt invigorated. I felt like I had it in me to take on the world. For years after I made that last trip to Dhyanalingam, whenever I was in trouble all I needed was to close my eyes and imagine that dome and I would feel good.
Today, when I am in the midst of all the uncertainties surrounding me, all I can think of is running away somewhere and being in some place where I am not answerable to anyone. I can’t help but think of that one place which gave me a sense of security that no other place has ever given me. I wouldn’t advice any of you to run away, but you have got to go see that place and spend some time there to know what I am talking about and if you really want to do something good for somebody, just take them there without telling them anything.
As for me, I might just get on a bus and go there soon. Coz for me it’s a place I found myself.