Posted in m@dness

A letter to the one that was

This was one of the innumerable letters I’ve written but never posted.You know who I have written to… I know who I have written to…

Dear     ,

Why did you do it? Why? Did I not love you enough? Didn’t I amuse you, entertain you enough? Wasn’t I caring enough? Why then…? Was it…was it that you didn’t love me at all? Never..never can anyone ever love you more than I do did. Useless issues at this point of time…but still… You knew it didn’t you, as to how much I loved you… I was so happy. For once in my life I was truly happy. I wanted to be a part of your life ever so much… True, it was only I who felt all these. You always played safe. Nevertheless, I’d made my feelings clear, didn’t I? There were ever so many dreams…. so many wishes…so many prayers…The people associated with us knew your effect on me. Ah…even they understood. All of a sudden it stopped…your love I mean. Everyone around me knew you had stopped feeling anything for me. Everyone except myself.  They told me not to have my hopes too high for you. Keeping my chin up and biting on to my trembling lips, I would smile and run inside…lest the now unstoppable tears flow out…

You never told me…hints there were, but I was too blinded by love too see them then. Now, it’s only them that I can see. Do you know how I felt when I heard about…about you and the your act  of deceit? I could not believe it…I still cannot. Why…? Was the love for your aims and ambitions far above my love for you? Where did I fail? What did I do wrong? What did I lack? Why did you do it…? Do you know the number of times I’ve run behind strangers who to me looked like you? Ah, the number of people who look like you…. Do you know that the mere mention of your name makes my heart skip a few beats? Each time I passed by the places we had been together, I would resolutely turn my head the other way- but in my mind’s eye I could always see you,us having a good time. Me enjoying and you acting.… Do you know the number of times I’ve asked your friends and acquaintances, as if I never cared, as to how you were, where you were, what you were doing…? Do you know the number of times I’ve thrown abuses at you in front of others- when at the same moment, hearts of hearts I’ve apologized a thousand times? Do you realize the hurt? The pain? Those terrible sleepless nights? The sorrow? The frustration? The longing? The emptiness? The loneliness? The sense of failure? Each of this is just words to you- I lived through each! True, you never promised me anything. You might easily ask me “Why did you love me so much when I had told you in the beginning itself about the family I came from and the life I lead?”. Ah…it isn’t that simple. Just because you ditched me, dumped me and walked out of my life- unceremoniously…. how do I stop loving you? Love is no bargain. Love is no deal. My love was true and so for a long, long time I continued to love you…

Do you realize how much I have changed? Gone is my innocence. Gone is my feeling of trust. I live on…in a world where I am suspicious of everybody and everything. I firmly promise myself, “Never, never again will I let anyone hurt me so…”. Do you realize how scared I am of loving again? Do you realize how much a part of me you have taken away? Lastly, do you know how much I hate myself for having loved you? How much I hate myself, because a part of me, no matter how much I try can still not hate you.

However, to hate you has been difficult but to stop loving you was easy and that I have done.

Love,

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Author:

There is a deep and cosmological connection between my birth, my parent's decision to name me what they did, my profession and my education. This brings me to the conclusion that fate is predetermined and like in Hindu mythology, is written by Brahma when someone is born. Example: My name is unique. I did my grads in Psychology. I then did my masters in HR (offshoot of following all the psychos). I then did the ultimate decision of joining an MNC in ............. beat it, BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT. So, I have the concept 'MAD' in my name, my education, my choice of career and all the milestone decisions of my life. Now, is it predetermined or what ? :-D

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