I take the bus everyday to work. Local transport n not company bus. Everyday I see so many women who go to work so early in the morning. Most of em are not educated and some are. I keep wondering what makes them tick.
Sometimes, the burden of being an independent woman gets to you. It makes me too strong to lean on anybody, forces me to have a mind of my own on everything. And that’s not good. Yes it’s nice to have an opinion of your own and nice to stick to principles but sometimes it does bad too.
I devoured feminist literature during my college days and believed my economic, emotional independence was a right I couldn’t be denied. But it gets tiring, this fighting every minute to be what you want to be. It would be so easy to give up, but it isn’t. There are days when I want to let this whole idea of being an emancipated, thinking woman slip and wallow in nothingness. Be vain. Let people ride roughshod over me without minding it.
But there’s a voice inside me that won’t allow me to do any of that, spurring me on to shun all vestiges of dependence, holding me up when I would rather slump down and rest. It isn’t easy to carry on at all times, but it’s so difficult to stop or turn back now. Like I said yesterday, there is a part of me that wants to give up this working life and sit at home and do stuff that I want to do but then when I think of whether I’ll be able to actually sit and while away time without earning money but spending money at the same time, my hands tremble.
Sometimes I feel sad for women around me who haven’t come into their own yet. Sometimes, I feel jealous: wouldn’t it be easy to let others’ decide the course of your life, to go with the flow instead of walking against the tide? And here I am, struggling everyday with the small and big decisions of my life – from managing daily chores at work to thinking about when I can give it all up to have children, from trying to settle down in life to making small mental notes about how I would bring up a daughter, if I had one. I look at the big city(Read: Bangalore) women who won’t consider marriage at even 30 and then I look at my friends who have had children at 25, and I really wish I wasn’t stuck somewhere in-between!
It’s all too easy to say ‘Go with your heart.’ But opposites tug at my heart till I feel like I have sold my soul to the Devil.
But yes, someday I shall gather the courage to actually give up this work life and maybe depend on “his” money and live a blissful life for a while! Just a while though.