I’m writing to you because I want me to continue believing in you like I used to. I know I don’t think you’re the same person you used to be but I think I’m being so selfish for believing in you when the going was good and for losing my faith when the going isn’t so great. You know I have thanked you every time things have fallen into place. I thank you whenever I smile and thank you when I know you were around just when I needed an assurance.
Dear God, I would like you to know that somewhere deep down I still believe you will set everything right for me because I know it’s beyond me now. And though I do not remember you as often as I should, I hope you still remember me. I am troubled that thoughts of you don’t come easily to me these days and I wish you would change that at least. If I can’t have anything else, can I have you at least by my side? You know I have been praying to you for something. Its not that I have asked you to get me what I want but to make sure that I have no further distractions and be able to focus only on what is mine.
Several times in a day, a prayer begins to form at my lips but I never send it to you because I feel cheap asking for anything other than what you’ve already given me. You do know what’s best for me, don’t you? I hope it’s just me right now who can’t see it. I hope there’s a good reason why you’re doing this with me. You know how uneasy it makes me when there is ambiguity and confusion all around.
I cry a lot these days because I’m weak and vulnerable from everything that’s happening around me over which I have no apparent control but which affects me in the biggest way possible. But please forgive me for those tears. They are not tears of ingratitude though they may be tears of sorrow.
Help me forget the pain, please. And help me forgive. Because I’m tired of the weight that I carry with me. I feel I am drifting away from the people I love because I’m so bitter inside. Don’t take those people away from me and blame it on me, God; don’t blame me for being bitter. I see the world around me changing. And I feel like a bystander with no part to play in it. Give me a part, God, in my own life.
You know everything, my past present and future. You can see beyond me, always. Just let me know what it is that you have decided for me. There are people in my life, new people. If none of them have a place in my future, please take them away from my life. Please. Give me a sign. A sign that I understand.