Like I have told you before, Tuesdays are the days I think and wait and pray and hope and all that and so today which is yet another Tuesday, once again, i find myself at the crossroads of life!!
Why does life continue to confuse me even though I’ve given up on it??
Why does it still come up with surprises and make them even more obvious exactly when i’m tryin to ignore them??
Why does it put forward choices which i dont feel like making anymore n yet dont feel like losing either??
True! life gets all the more complex with each coming day n the confusions never cease…
Sometimes i wonder,aren’t we even given the right to make the smallest or most insignificant decisions of our lives? Nothin seems to be in our hands or in our control and yet we often like to believe we can do something about it. Humans are dumb, ya?!
argument discussion brought about many a realization today…a simple conversation made me think a lot about the way i am with people around me. Maybe all I’m doing is neglecting those who care for those who don’t at all.And if that wasn’t enough, i was lectured on how i have this super inferiority complex that makes me feel that i cant deserve any good and how i doubt life when it brings pleasant surprises along.
I am bracing myself for the possibility that next I’ll be told I’m crazy n should be admitted in some asylum!
Life these days is all about arguments and choices! And about how i should get rid of my trust issues , how i should believe in love and perhaps also..easter bunny .tooth fairy..n Santa Claus too…(no?? hehehe i thought the rest would follow suit!)
But then again, if I’ve changed soo much, why do i still care? Why does it still hurt to see a close friend sad? why does it still sting when a friend tells me that he/she is getting hitched and I smirk and ridicule the whole system of marriage??why is there still a probably?? why do i still get misty eyed when i watch those “ultra corny” movies which always manage to have a happy ending??Why does it hit when my closest friends and family say ive changed?? why dont i have anything to say when ppl ask me for explanations, reasons and advice…even though i did hate it soo much myself once upon a time?? why do i go back to the mad people began to hate,vulnerable, naive,ultrasensitive, moody and angry!Why dont i no longer believe in happy endings??? why has my faith in “good things happen to good ppl” dwindled so much??
Maybe, its a fallacy. Maybe everyone is wrong. Maybe this is the way I had always been except for the five years that I spent being blind. Or maybe when those 5 years ended, it also took with it, a girl who was fun to be with, lively, talented and believed and trusted in the goodness of life and had faith in people. Maybe that is how I changed. Maybe.
sigh! And I am just waiting for all of this to end and start new. Right now planning to go with the flow without being swept too far!