Posted in close to heart, RoMa Chronicles

As you begin school!

My little one, suddenly you aren’t so little anymore! Today is one of those days when I silently cried on my way to work. It is an overwhelming feeling to send your kid to school. Accomplishment and heartbreak, all at once. Both Ro and I can still picture the day we first held Ami in our hands. With her, it really was the first of many things! So many things. Image result for mom sending kids to school illustration

4 years later, as she is off to school; dressed in a uniform and swinging her bag, I can only pray that she gives it the best shot and realises that learning is a continuous process. In the next decade, as they progress from school to college and transform into independent, bold and strong beautiful women, I hope they learn;

To accept failure with grace, compete in a healthy manner and win without bragging.

To realise that disappointments are fleeting, just like triumphs. “This too shall pass” can get you out of just about anything. Nobody really keeps track of these things, although it may seem that everyone is interested in your life, it isn’t so. (Hoping that FB conks out by then!)

To never underestimate the power of “Thank You”, “Please” and “Sorry”. Whether it is the security, waiter or a maid, thank you is you way of acknowledging the effort they have made to make a moment of your life, simpler. When you say please, you are asking for help and people will remember you for your humility. Sorry is a way of telling people that you apologise for an act or behaviour and you want to be forgiven because you consider that relationship important.

To be kind to people. Young or old; rich or poor; tall or short; just be kind.

To accept that life is mostly unfair! Some people are born lucky, some have to work hard for everything they want. However, hardwork will pay off eventually and when it does, there will be nothing like that sense of achievement. Believe me dear, I have been there done that and proud of everything I have achieved, till date.

To know what you want in life, be it a toy, food or clothes. Have enough to keep you grounded and going , but not spoilt for choice.

To stick to a decision once it is taken. Be responsible for your thoughts, words and action. Once you have decided and made a choice, don’t waver.

To appreciate even the little, most insignificant things in life- be it a small, pretty flower; a fine tune; unexpected rain; hot tea or a good night’s sleep!

To be mildly curious about the world and to be wise enough to understand the thin line between being curious and being inquisitive!

To read. What a world that is!

To be courageous when sick, work towards being healthy every day and be grateful for the healthy life!

To treat all living beings with respect.

To spot superficiality and artifice from miles away and spend time with people and things are truly authentic and genuine.

After all this, I hope I have the sense to discern that their success is not my ego’s accessory, and I am not Super Mom. I will try my best to raise them the way I can, irrespective of what they will turn out to be, I hope that they will be remembered as good human beings!

First Day of School

I wonder what you’re doing right now
and if everyone is treating you kind.
I hope there is a special person,
a nice friend that you can find.

I wonder if the teacher know just
how special you are to me.
And if the brightness of your heart
is something she can see.

I wonder if you are thinking about
me and if you need a hug.
I already miss the sound of your voice
and how you give my leg a tug.

I wonder if you could possibly understand
how hard it is for me to let you grow.
On this day know that my heart breaks,
for this is the first step in letting my baby go.

-Wendy Silva

P.S– Ami did not cry or have any teary eyed puppy face when I dropped her at school. I was the one trying hard to show her that I was made of steel! She did squeeze my hand tightly when I let her go…..

Posted in RoMa Chronicles, The Chronicles of A

A Mother Speaks- Chapter 1

Hi. The other day, a friend and a family member asked me why I stopped writing? The answer I gave them was that I dont have the time. One of them then said that I stopped writing in February 2014 and the “no time” factor arrived only in October. I smiled. So here I am, a whole year later and a whole lot of changes later. When I say change,its a change that will last a lifetime. On 22nd October 2014 at 4:26 pm, I delivered a baby girl. I became a mother.

A lot of things  Everything changes. Life is just not what it used to be. It will never be. Priorities change. Attitude changes. The very definition of love changes.

I was never a born mommy. A born mommy is someone who has mother instincts at a very young age. These women like to dress up barbie dolls, play house house, spend play time putting on make up and dressing up dolls etc. The women act like a mom around their friends, protecting them, taking care of their needs, making sure they have food on time etc. I am not and was never that. Neither was I a career woman. The jet setting, always on the run, looking for better opportunities, higher paying salary kind of woman. I am that more of the undecided woman. Likes occasional playing with baby, cooking, a relaxed, happy to go to dream job kind of woman. I like that come and go as you please, carefree tv nights, long nights of uninterrupted sleep, watch movies when I please kind of life. Honestly, I was not ready to be responsible for another human being! Like Das always commented that I was just not grown up, yet!

In March last year when we found out that we were pregnant, I was amazed and stunned and clueless. Thats just three of the zillion emotions i went through at that time! I was nervous and curious and bewildered too. I spent hours on the net reading every bit of info I could find. As months passed, I realised the enormity of it all. The sacrifice and freedom that I’d be giving up. Freedom is never something that a person voluntarily gives up!

She is 5 months now. I have had conversations with a  lot of moms lately and somtimes I laugh at the way they feign motherhood! I have raised this girl of mine single handedly(Ro is there ofcourse, but he hardly has time, thanks to dxb traffic) for the past 5 months and will continue to do so. Its not out of choice, its more out of helplessness n no choice. I know for a fact that its really difficult and sometimes frustrating to take care of an infant alone. SO when I mention to these drama moms that I miss the freedom and how I wish someone would take care of our little girl for a while, they feign shock! They act like I am the cruel mom who has no compassion for her child! Oh poor kid are what their facial exprssions say! These are those moms who have full time help plus parents to look at all their needs plus money to buy every mothercare accessory there ever is. My primary identity is not “mother”. Is that my fault? I would spend the time I get wondering if I really was a bad mom.

Its easy to enjoy parenthood. That toothless grin when she wakes up. That constant babbling. The giggle when she is tickled. That smile she gives when I peep out from under the pillow. That feeling that somebody really needs you. All the time. And then before we realiase, the enjoyment begins to fade and you start feeling a bit depressed, scary that good or bad, the way she grows up to be will be your sole responsiblity. Before you know it, ever so slowly, you start waiting for the freedom to be just you  again.

After reading up tonnes of literature on being a good parent, I learnt it from a place I should have looked first. My dad’s life. The way he bought me up. The formula to being a great parent and a happy one was simple. The secret was to enjoy the whole things while it lasts. Everything my girl was upto was a passing phase. It would all be yesterdays story all too soon. All I had to do was to give her my unconditional love and time. The less I am enjoying her, the more frustrated I get with her, the less patient I am with her, the less energy I have for daily motherhood tasks, the more I start to resent her. That, she will understand. Motherhood will be frustrating, a constant battle between my selfishness and exhaustion. It will also be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be totally and unconditionally loved, needed, wanted, by somebody who is happy to sit for hours just staring at my face. My face! It was easy. Happy parents make happy children.

The more I begin to enjoy her, i realise, my baby needs me. Me. Just me. Not her dad, not her toys, not her grandparents. Me. And that for me is a privilege.


Posted in RoMa Chronicles

Love Bits-7

They walked side by side, barely touching. Each lost in their own convoluted worlds. Ironically, every thought that flitted through the trapped corners of their minds had one common focal point – the other. As the path they chose seemed to peter out right in front of their eyes, swept left, right and centre by the storm that was ravaging their lives, they were left in its wake helplessly wondering how they even happened on this particular path, that too together.

Brought together by society, bound together by fate, they wondered if love would ever grace their union.

Unknown to them, Love had already intertwined their lives together, at the same time. Their hands just needed to inch a little closer. Their hearts, a little more giving. They need to learn to weather it together, to accept the other’s support. The perfect ending, already deigned in the minds of higher beings, is them finding the boat of togetherness and the oars of companionship.

To part ways in the middle of the storm was not what was written for them, for they have tasted what it feels like, known what it could be like. And neither would ever feel or be complete without the other ever again.

Posted in RoMa Chronicles

After the happily ever after

Life definitely doesn’t end after marriage. The way people act when you are unmarried , its like getting married is THE last thing and life is done! Ofcourse not. There is life after happily ever after. Getting married, especially the arranged way, is easy. Boy meet girl and they vow to stay together for the rest of their life. Both families achieve a mutual understanding, luxurious gifts exchanged,friends invited and relatives join hands to celebrate the union of two strange people who will eventually fall in love. But what happens next is something  not everyone talks about. As soon as the “Just Married’ sign leaves along with the car, the world goes back to its routine and carry on with their own lives.
Let’s face it. Times have changed. Staying in marriage is difficult. What happens in the small two bedrooms apartment is beyond your imagination. You find yourself constantly tolerating each other’s fault. Maybe first few days the frequently left open toilet lid were unnoticed,but soon or later it might be the reason why he decided to stay in couch some nights. You start to doubt the taste bud of your other half. Why one earth is he listening to that crap music? Whats wrong with her,can she make something that tastes better? You getting fatter. You need to keep your mouth shut. Why am I the one only doing laundries and cooking today? Stop playing games all the time!Quit your job. Get a life. You are crossing your boundaries.You dont know your limits.And You have forgotten our first meeting anniversaries and so on!
There’s also those times where he does the dishes while you cook knowing that you work and you would get tired too.The times when she’d do the shopping by herself so that they can spend some more time together. He gets out earlier, compromising his sleep and she works an extra hour every day so that they can travel together. The times when he’d wake up and make her coffee because she has one of those lazy to wake up-five more minute sleep days. When she bakes him brownies after a hard day at work so that he feels good. And the times when he makes her watch The Big Bang Theory and she keep his eyes open while watching Grey’s Anatomy!
A lot of people are getting married at younger age these days. I’m not denying that on the other end,there’s another extreme of people who are beyond their marriage age. It really isn’t the age you know. It all depends on how much you want to stay married and whether you have decided on options if this doesnt work! It has to and you have to make sure it works. Every day you work for it. I hope married couples dont get separated because of things that doesnt matter. You see,not many people  have the privilege of getting married to the nice ones,so dont blow off your chances.
For some , love is the only thing they have..
its simple…staying married means staying in love 😉
It’s you I like,
It’s not the things you wear.
It’s not the way you do your hair,
But it’s you I like.
The way you are right now
The way down deep inside you
Not the things that hide you
Not your diplomas…
They’re just beside you.
But it’s you I like,
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings,
Whether old or new.
I hope that you’ll remember
Even when you’re feeling blue,
That it’s you I like,
It’s you yourself, it’s you
It’s you I like!
Happily ever after by Pinkie-Perfect
Posted in RoMa Chronicles

Love Bits-6

Clouds of love showering down and you rope me in with your wicked smirk.
First winter, you and I. Dancing on the roof with music so loud. Kicking off my shoes and you ask me if I am Mad. Mad for you, mad in love I say.

Twilight comes in with a greyish haze. Cold and dry, yet the glow in your gaze. Fire in the hair, you play…for your touch, I sway.

Because when all this is gone…memories are all that is left. With silver in my hair and a crack in your spine. Toothless and saggy..the cold and frail hands…It will be will only be memories that hold.


Posted in RoMa Chronicles

The Wedding and After

Time flies. Today we celebrate 100 days of  being married. I have already told you what it feels like to be married to one of the most amazing people I’ve met. Ro. I am not goin to go further on that today. All I will say is that, after 30th August 2013, I know for a fact that I am indeed blessed.

Every girl dreams of being married. I said girl. When these girls grow up into ladies(graduated, fully equipped women), some still dream of a marriage and some become the eternal feminist types. I have always wanted to get married. From the time I used to play house house with my cousins and friends, all through school and college and even when I became a working professional, my dream of getting married and having a family grew with me. I nurtured the dream all my life. And then it happened. The dream did come true but not in a way I had pictured!

Disclaimer: Do not read this post if you cannot handle a bit of Narcissism.

30th August 2013….100 days ago

Thank god for photos! I will always remember my wedding date(date not day). I remember crying myself to sleep the night before the wedding. When I woke up the next day, it felt like any other morning. Until Das hugged me and said,”Good Morning, you are getting married today, finally!” SO that’s how the day started. I hate taking a head bath in the morning because I feel sleepy through the day, if I do. Bath and then straight to the temple. I dont know how people know that you are a bride to be even when you are dressed in the most casual dress! On the way to the parlour, stepping inside the temple, suddenly everyone was smiling! I prayed. I payed like I’ve never prayed before. I must tell you its a pretty weird feeling. Those hours right before you are getting married, your mind takes you places!

The place( the parlour) I was going to have a makeover for the day had another bride. She was gorgeous! I knew I wasnt the best looking bride that day. Poof went my dream of being the prettiest looking girl in town that day. However, the lady who dressed me said I had slimmed down and that my face was glowing n all. So I just made myself believe that I was looking good :). There is this moment(If youve seen Band Baaja Bride on NDTV Good Life, youll know) when you are completely dressed like the bride and they make you turn and face the mirror. For me, that moment will always be etched in my memory. I had never looked more beautiful in my life. I looked nice!Really nice. My aunt and chech who was with me had tears in their eyes. I knew what their tears meant. My mother would have been very proud. My Das had done his job of raising me, well. As I got in the car, my brothers were awed to say anything. Their smiles said it all. The 10  minute ride was the best ride of my life. Its that strange time when you are passing by in the car or waiting at a signal, when people on the road, look at you, take a look again and then smile at you. Wow! It really was the best ride!

The brother was there to receive us at the gates of the hall in which I was getting married. My body was shaking by the time I stepped out of the car! As they escorted me to my “waiting room”, I had only one question to ask,” Has he arrived, yet?” That broke the ice and everyone started laughing. My besties met me in my room to give me that push. Everyone I really loved was present in that room. I remember. Then the photography parade started. Group pics are easy. Its the singles that really make you conscious and all that. Weird weird feeling! Later, as they came and told me that I had five minutes to go, one last look at the single me in the mirror bought tears to my eyes. It was an emotion I cannot express. Fear, Apprehension, curiosity, happiness and excitement in one single emotion. I held my das’s hand and he clutched it tight.

The family, the entourage of extended family,my beautiful looking thaalam ladies( In South Indian hindu culture, thats the name given to brides maids) and my besties took me to the hall where my man was waiting. As I entered the hall, I stopped for a second. I couldnt believe how many people turned up for the wedding!There were about 2000 people sitting and about 100 standing!!! I froze. I was too numb to move and Das had to pull me in order to keep up with the pace! And then I saw him. He was sitting, waiting, smiling. He smiles very rarely and when he does it comes from his heart. All my fears vanished. My dad later told me that I was running to the stage and he had to pull me back  ;P

Everything from the time I stepped on to the stage is a haze, a distant memory, a dream for me. I remember beautiful, soothing music in the background(Das had arranged for a live violin concert). I remember Ro’s face approving my look for the day. I remember his nieces eyeing my mehendi designs. I remember his family saying how pretty I looked.And then the ritual started.

South Indian hindu weddings are the least time taking. One might think, why the four hour make up for a ten minute event. But its worth it! I took his mother’s blessings and then Das’s. That was probably the last time my eyes filled up. His did too. I noticed. I sat down and was lost looking at the people who turned up when all on a sudden the familiar music started. And before I knew it, his hands were around my neck. Not to strangle me silly, to tie the chain!I prayed. Not to any god. I prayed to my mother, his father and Big B. Believe it or not, in that split second I saw all three of them smiling at me from above. It was a surreal moment. And then I realised that his hand did not fumble and that is a very rare thing! Everyone behind us gasped because he tied the three knots without anyone’s help! And then he smiled! Thats when it dawned that I was a now a married woman. I was officially someones own for life. I would have a family too and I would live life like any other. He then gave me the podava(two sarees which in olden days was the official moment that one got marred), his mother gave me a chain and we took the three rounds. While we were taking rounds, my folks and his were doing non stop commentary! It was fun. He held my hand tight as we took those three rounds. I wonder if he was scared or if he meant something else! He put the sindoor on my forehead like he was Shahrukh Khan of Devdas! All the way from my forehead to the back of my head, one big blotch!!! And I was married!

I had a lot of me moments that day and no it didnt turn out the way I thought it would. But it was one day, I’d hate to forget. I missed a lot of people that day. My mother(she would have been very happy and would have give Das that appy, satisfied, contented, all responsiblities over nod), my grandmother( who would have enjoyed sitting and watching me get married to a Nair Boy), Big B(who would have laughed with me and given my hand a squeeze when I was jittery), Su(who is my sister by choice, who was most excited about my wedding and would have cried all the way with me), Mayur(who is Ro’s brother who would have lifted our spirits up with that wicked smile of his), Div(who would have sat in the front wth that big momma tummy and grinned at me),Sinsin (who would have just been walking around that place with that momma tummy of hers and lil in one hand laughing and talking with the people she knows) and Ms A(who would have done my wedding photography for free and also smiled at me during those moments coz she had already been there done that). I really missed all of you.

Now that I have mentioned those I have missed, its time to thank the people who made my wedding happen! Kerala matrimony and Velliachan for introducing me to RO. The viloin guy who made my wedding feel like the movie wedding. Ms A and valavi for the cards! Shobha Aunty for making me the beautiful bride. Deeps for taking off from college and travelling all the way from Bhutan just to be my side.All those who turned up just to give us their wishes.My family who turned up for the wedding from as far as UAE and USA. My friends who fought all odds just to stand by me. AC, Nani, Mons and Su for the love and support . You guys are the best. Premamayi and Jeevi for being with my dad and helping him at every step and for being my second parents. My brother and sister for taking the time off and making those ten days very memorable. Joeey and Big Guy and the family for everything. I would have not got here, if it wasnt for you guys. Last but never the least, my Das. For arranging a fabulus wedding, for letting me have my way, for the love, the care and the encouragement, for the best arrangements in the world, for finding me the best husband and for believing in me. I love you more than you know. I owe my being to you and you will always be my best man!


The day passes away in a daze. Ask any married woman. But you will always remember the day with a smile on your face. Everytime you fight with your other half, just close your eyes and think of that moment that you got married, you will find yourself smiling 🙂

We celebrate 100 days today. RO and I. Happy, contented, 100 days filled with lots of love. Praying that we are surrounded by this love always and hoping to celebrate many such 100 days!



Posted in RoMa Chronicles

Love is all around me

Never judge a post by its title 😉 I am not going to write about the famous Wet wet wet song or my nostalgia associated with it. However, these days this song keeps playing in my a constant background music of sorts.  SO, back to my post…We, Ro n I celebrated 50 days of being married and one month of me arriving here in a nice and soft way. He made dinner(chicken Ro style) and we binged on Ice cream and cake. As I lay awake that night, my thoughts went back to the beginning. In life, there are some moments that stay frozen inside our minds. I dont have many but the ones I have will just not go away. The first time I laid my eyes on ro or my first sight of him is one such moment my brain seems to have frozen. He says I shouldnt write about it coz it’ll embarass him. 🙂 why would I let an opportunity pass!

While our parents seem to think that we first met at my place, we stay corrected. If the first date and first impression is supposed to decide things, we’d never get married! We decided to meet at my favourite coffee place(thats a post for another day), Cocoa tree. He said he’ll be there at 11 am and I had to sit inside, waiting inside the cafe which was still not open for the day( the perks of being a regular). So while I waited anxiously for 11:00 am, I order a usual Irish Chocolate drink. He calls to say he’ll be a few minutes late. Ahem…First date…n late. The friends said, dont wait, get up n leave. He is just not worth it. I decided to wait anyway since he said few minutes. And then…he arrived. At 11:45 am on 8th February 2013, I laid my eyes on him for the first time and somehow I knew it wasnt the last I’ll see of him. His hand, is what I saw first and then his ass and then his face. Yes, in that order. No, when I saw his hand I didnt know it was his. It was only when I saw his face that I realised it was him! Rest as they say is history…

To be honest, I was scared of a lot of things then. Funny as it may sound now, I had almost decided not to say yes to anybody. I was scared. Of a lot of things. Opening up to a new person, an unknown person. Committing to someone when I didnt know how committed he was or would be. Fear of being ripped apart, again. Loving again, apprehension and what not. But then, the moment I saw him first, it was amazing the way my heart felt light. Like a sign that this was it, this was the heart I was meant to be in. As cheesy as it may sound, it was true. When I think back now, I know it was the best decision ever.

A marriage is magical. It’s poetic, the rhythm of each day as it settles into a routine, the crackle as we figure out the differences. It’s  full of promise, excitement, surprises. It’s where dreams just might come true. There don’t really have to be harps playing, or birds singing, or rose petals falling from the sky everyday. And there are definitely days when the romance is dead, when there are arguments and when the differences become a bit annoying… but if you look around, things are pretty amazing…its lovely, its magical..its marriage.

The day we met
Frozen, I held my breath
Right from the start
 knew that I found a home for my heart

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
                                             – Christina Perri- A Thousand Years

Oh and when I asked him what his first memory of me was, he stared at me, blank. So typical!