Posted in close to heart

Memory of a goodbye

Hey Big B, I know you used to secretly read my blog and I hope you still do from up there. I miss you. I know you’d have been there with Das running around and doing stuff with him, for him. He misses you too. He tells me that. Often. I know you’d have loved talking to Ro. You would have loved him. He would have loved you too. I know that for a fact. I miss you. All this would have been more exciting and so much more fun had you been around to give me that push. I have had friends other than you but nobody like you. I know you are watching me from up there and smiling. Grinning actually. Ugh!

People must move on is what everybody says when I talk about you. Nobody really knows what we shared. Even we didnt! And then you had to go. Not to any place on the map but to the world beyond.

The last time I saw you alive, you were laughing at me and saying bye with your hands from inside the car. Captains car. The next time I saw you, it wasnt really you. It was just a body which was cut and sewed. I don’t remember too many details of that October day because it is too painful to hold on to but yes I remember that clean, close and swift, were the words that came into my mind as I realised the silvery blade of a goodbye descend.

Thats how endings should be. No remnants.

Unlike me. I’m still saying goodbye to a person long gone.

Pray for me…stand by me…hold my hand…..wherever you are. I miss you.

Posted in close to heart

She is married!

Remember this and this? This post will be the end to that series alright. You know you’re someone’s best friend when you go to to that person’s wedding and everyone knows you! And for those who don’t, you’re introduced as a very special member with words like ‘Hey, Meet my best friend” etc. So my girl got married on 5th January 2013 and while I watched her say “I Do” with a voice that I couldnt stop smiling about later, I realised that dreams do come true. It does. All you need to do is to wait. Just a little patience and your dream would come alive. When I saw her that morning I couldnt help sit and admire how much she had changed overnight. Just last week we were shopping, giggling like school girls and making a hue and cry at the shop and now she was here, all decked up, smiling and ready to step into the next chapter of the classic book of life.

All I can talk about is her smile that day. She was smiling from cheek to cheek! While the prayer was going on, while her sister sang for her, while the blessings were showered on her, while Ashish said “I do”, while she said “I do” and through the length of the wedding, she was smiling! And a very naughty one that too. I have never seen a bride as happy as she was. Well she still is. I chose to believe that she was overwhelmed. But no. She was genuinely happy and man am so super happy for her.

Seeing her in a PINK saree sitting next to her man, looking all regal and elegant reminded me of the times when we used to care two hoots about our looks. I remember how much fun we used to have back in our college days. The who-cares-a-damn-about-what-we-wear- attitude and the make up sessions and the haircutting sessions and the saree session we used to have. Then it moved on to the girly phase were we did everything we could to look like girls! It was fun. And all that changed with the blink of an eye. Rugged, tough jeans paved way to elegant looking salwars. Floaters changed into dainty looking sandals. Scrunchy tied hair changed to well styled, blow dried, hair sprayed hair!

That my girl is beautiful,would be an understatement.She literally…literally…took one’s breath away. And through this solemn, peaceful composure – that only comes from a certainty of knowing that you’re doing the right thing  and that my girl is in trusted hands- I watched her as she went from Ms Diviya Ann Koshy to Mrs Diviya Ashish with a magical smile and a skip in her step.

Posted in m@dness

And she is getting married!

Remember this post?!! Good! If you dont, read it once again na!;) So it’s official. Div is getting married to Ashish. Well, another A. Yeah they all start with A! When we were in college we hardly talked about weddings and stuff. She was never the girly thing and now she is getting married in just over a month’s time! Damn! So that leaves just deeps n me. Div’s wedding is on the 5th of January 2013 and the celebrations begin a week before.

Div, Deeps and I have been friends best friends for nearly 9 years now. We have been the oldest best friends. We each know enough secrets about the other to be able to do successful blackmailing if we wanted.We can talk for hours together about any topic under the sun. From Books to the Dalai Lama…anything! We met during the first year of college. And studied for exactly three years together after that. Since then we have never stayed in the same city, forget the same college. Yet the friendship continues – first through handwritten mails and then through emails, instant messaging and telephoning. There are some people with whom you just stay connected without any conscious effort on your part. These are two people right there at the top of that list!

After I got on to the career path I have lost count of the number of friends whose weddings I have had to miss thanks to the stringent leave rules that exists. Ever since I knew about Div and Ashish’s relationship, I have always threatened Div to not get married in my absence.  For a while, it seemed that after all the effort, I would not be able to make it after all. But luckily things worked out and I am going to be there for the WHOLE ceremony.Yaaaay! There are quite a few close friends of mine who have become not so close ever since they got married. I have threatened  DIv with dire consequences including bodily injury if she starts the stand-offish act with me once she becomes a married woman. But knowing her, I somehow suspect that rather than her friends, it should be Ashish who should be concerned about being ignored!

But jokes apart. Div is a sweetheart. She has her priorities set right in life. She would never do anything to hurt anyone and is very naive. She acts tough but would become soft if she knew there is someone else that can be tough. She would do anything for her friends just to see them happy. Div, am so happy for you. I know this is the one for you. I knew Ashish was the one for you right when he gave you the choice, the respect and space. You both are meant to be. So Div stay the same…stay happy…stay blessed! And you, Ashish… all I can say is, “Brace yourself”!!!

Posted in close to heart

I wish you were around a little longer

A year ago, when my best friend died, I cried. I cried because it was too sudden, because I just couldn’t fathom him not being there and more importantly because I never thought death could happen to someone so close to me. It’s always like that right? We see everything around us but refuse to accept the fact that it could happen to us to0. When things happen to people around us, we thank god that it didn’t happen to us but all the while forgetting that it could happen to us next.

For awhile now I have been hearing  a lot of deaths and maybe because I have been exposed to death so closely that now I am no more scared. I have come to accept the fact that yes, death is universal and it happens to everyone and it could happen to anybody close to me  as well.

Today, when am going through one of the most darkest phases of my life, I miss him.A year ago I had convinced myself that he would come back, that he had just gone off to a far away location and will be back on a holiday and give me a surprise with the pair of jeans he had promised to get me. Today while at work, I said a goodbye in my mind to a person who I had valued more than life and it was then that it struck me that I was left with no shoulder to cry on. I was alone, as always. It dawned on me that neither of them were coming back. One had left for good and the other had chosen to live a life in which I had no role. After my dad and brother, it was these two men who I had sought refuge in and now I was left to live a life with just me to clarify doubts, me to make a decision and me to walk the lonely path.

You can shed tears that he is gone, 
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that he was gone.. and the world would never be the same..The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. He lived so much..He was so full of life, creating memories every second.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember him. I saw him motionless. Pale face, stiff body. I remember oh so clearly.

I wonder why it had to be him?! I guess its because he was so damn popular and maybe too many people envied him. Envied, not disliked. He knew I never was one of those strong people.. He knew me.. He was the one who mended me. And yet he gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to hold steadily

I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone. Two of your girls are married and I guess, the one girl you really wanted to be with still pines for you. God bless her. That family of yours, shattered. Nobody mentions you anymore other than your men, the girl and me.. some say they do remember you. But few remember you the way I do…few.

I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..You knew it.

Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work and exercise and do stuff all throughout the day so that I am not busy all the time, so that I dont have time to think. But I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…

But I want you to know that I always thought there were would be more days that i could spend with you. I kept asking and you kept thinking that you had time. But the truth is, we never have time and neither did I. There is never a good time to do anything. Its all crap what they say that things happen in their own time. Things happen when you make them happen or they don’t happen at all. The right time is always NOW.

I couldnt say goodbye to you, I will never be able to. You left and nobody filled that space. Nobody ever will. I will surely have friends but I will never find my best friend again. It was always you and it will always remain that way. These days I keep everyone happy. I make sure I never put anything for the next day. I do everything I can to make someones day coz I dont know if I’d ever get to do anything for them again. What if……

I wish you were here, Big B. I Miss you..every day. I really wish you are happy wherever you are. I wish I see you again in some life after. I hope you havent found new friends there to party with coz I havent found anyone here yet. I miss your hug, I miss our karaoke sessions, I miss our duets on the phone, I miss our drives, I miss doing your office reports, I miss not wishing you on your bday, I miss you climbing my gate, I miss your concern, your love, your security and everything we shared.

If you get a chance, please come back……

Posted in close to heart

Hope shall save the day



A few days ago I had to perform an extremely unpleasant errand for somebody who really should have known better than to ask this of me. I was made to go back to this particular hospital which was the place where I remember having spent one of the most horrible days of my life,  the place I lost my best friend, in order to hand over a receipt, right at the reception area where I got to know that terrible truth. I could have chosen to ignore this particular errand, but I don’t want anybody to feel like I owe them anything. So I went, telling myself that I’m old enough to deal with this, that life isn’t about running away. But it was so hard to see that place again, the dingy road leading up to it, the building, the nurses in white, the familiar receptionist and the never ending staircase. I was thinking about the person that place took away from me, and how I was left with nothing to do but watch death take over him. When I walked into the reception area, I kept looking for his eyes, to see if it watching me struggle. He had the loveliest of eyes…sea green they were.

I know, life goes on. Nothing terribly profound about that coz really, life only knows how to go on. I know that I have to go on, and to realize that its not all about me, and how I feel. There are other, more important things, like running errands. But it isn’t happening very naturally. I look around and I see how I sometimes make people who are close to me uncomfortable, coz they really don’t know what to say to me. That look on their faces, saying that they’re sorry for me, but they don’t know how to let me know that without offending me, or making me feel worse. As it is, being a social creature is hard for me, and it makes it double tough when I see myself guarding against the very people that I love the most in the world. I don’t know how long it will take for me to get over this nagging hurt. I just hope that it happens, and soon. I also hope that when it does, I don’t wake up to find that I’ve distanced everyone who has tried to help. This experience has changed me. I’ve become cynical, jaded, weary and bitter. I just hope the change isn’t irrevocable, coz I really don’t like the way I’ve become. The only encouraging sign is that I’m still tenaciously holding on to hope, a little bit of it. Maybe it’ll save me.

I want to be whole again. I want to laugh with all my heart, coz 50 % only looked great on a maths paper and you know it  just isn’t good enough. I want to be as foolish as I was before I got a taste of how low life can actually you pull you down to. But you can’t choose your experiences. So I’ll just pray that I can make my peace with them, and hope that there are second chances, opportunities that can help me make up for my mistakes, even though I can’t ever compensate for this particular one. I hope to be strong enough to break this wall around my heart.



Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Hot Chocolate Conversations

Have you ever had a friend who is so crazy that he could travel a few kilometers instead of waiting for you at one place? I guess I am lucky then. I told him to wait for me at one place and  he traveled about 36 kilometers instead of waiting! Don’t blame me for keeping him waiting. He was informed. And besides, I’ve waited for him for so much time, the cumulative can add up to months of standing in front of his house waiting for him!
That evening, we were supposed to go somewhere, but the weather was still nice and my mood was too elated to do any work. We decided we’d hang out somewhere instead. When we reached our favorite place, which is a cafe that is like a second home it was full!!!.I We then drove around looking for a spot and boy we did find one.  Not so faraway from the city, on a lonely(by lonely I mean no traffic) road, a wayside cafe of sorts! We went in and sat in one of their soft and comfy chairs. It was a beautiful place. I wished he(my bestfriend) was here too.  He is always on my mind. But sitting there with my friend and having non-sense conversations and worrying about how life had gotten “out of hand” lately was also equally priceless. And doing that while having a football-sized cup of  hot chocolate added up to make it a wonderful experience. And the ambiance was so good, we could sit there forever – comfy seats, beautiful decorations and soft retro music. We caught up on memories n ol times n how much of fun we used to have earlier n love lives n more.  But alas, we had to go home before our parents filed a missing report at the police station! :p
But it was a time well spent. With my friend.
And I think we both know now of a place where we could sit and talk about anything; or make plans about how we would start our own cafe! :p
Or… maybe just sit and have some delicious hot drinks.
My life is not perfect, neither is it easy. And I believe nobody’s is. But with the right people, living life at least seems easier. When the day ended and I was in my bed, I was happy and grateful, for I had people who made me believe in living life. I could say that it was my best day ever. Ironic that it didn’t seem so in the morning! 😉
I’ve been having sleep problems lately. Trains of thought leave my eyes wide open staring at the sky, wondering if I could ever fly. But that night, I was flying already. And my eyes closed on their own. For I now knew that getting through everyday could be easy when you have love and friendship with you.
To the A’s in my life, love you both. To the best friend whose place no one will ever take, Sudeep Pradeep I miss you all the more every day.  I’d like to believe that you sent these guys and introduced me to them thinking they will keep me safe and warm in your absence.
Eyes still closed, I smiled.
I have them both.
The purest of love and the best of friendship.
Posted in m@dness

Bonds for a lifetime

We all have that person in our life with whom we have a strange connection.
The bond that quite cannot be described or defined.

You both know each other for long. At least waay long than the people that are there in your life now.
But yet, his presence or absence had never made a difference to you.
Even though you knew it made a difference to him.

He was the one who got you out of the depression/blaming yourself/sulking and extreme mood swings period after a horrible break up.
He was the one trying to make you talk when all people got out of you were ‘Okay’s’ and ‘Fine’s’
He was the one trying to distract you to other things even if they were downright stupid and secretly made you smile.
He was the one always texting you even though he knew there would be no reply from your side.

I never realised all this.

For so long.
To me, he was just another person.
The person that I am.. who likes being in a shell and doesn’t open up much except to a few.. I hardly cared.

BUT, now I have come to terms with a LOT of things and especially about the uncertainties of people staying in my life.

I wish I had told him how much he meant to me, how much of a difference his presence made to me, how much i used to look forward to spending time with him, how secure he made me feel.

I would do anything in the world to see him once again….

Sudeep VP, you are missed by every living cell in my body and each second it only seems to increase. I want you to know that nobody will ever take your position in my life. There will always be only you there. My best friend…..always and forever.

There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the pointless drama and the people who create it.

Surround yourself with the people that add meaning to your life.

Life is too short to be wasted on controlling,insecure, jealous and unstable people.