Posted in m@dness

Just how would we know!?

Its raining here in DXB :). And you know my everlasting romance with it, so here I am in one of my introspective moods while watching it from the “place”.

 “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

This quote from Forrest Gump has always been the tagline of my life. People who take quick decisions always amaze me. Taking decisions have always been a huge task for me. From chosing a dress, deciding which restaurant to eat to all the major milestone decisions, theres’s always stress and time involved! I mean how will we know that the decisions that are taken (the ones that matter anyway) are the right ones?! What if your life changes with that one decision!

For example, deciding to move to a foreign land on a permanent visa after years of wondering whats it like to live outside the country one is born in (and quitting a perfectly stable, well-paying and permanent post) knowing that there is no job in waiting and knowing that years of experience will be thrown aside and career has to be started from scratch and nobody even remotely close to family or friends. How do we know if it is the right decision to actually live the dream?!

Or deciding to pursue something that’s nowhere in our scheme of life. Change our whole lives based on a hunch that plan A might just be better than plan B; how do we know that plan B is what we are supposed to be doing in the first place?!

Or get married. How do we know that this is the person we are supposed to spend the rest of our lives with? How do we know that we’ll have the same romance, beautiful and lasting beyond death, which our grandparents have? How do we know that it is not the biggest miscalculation that we ever made? Personally, I had a tough time at this one!

Or deciding whether to put down your paper at the office. With a job that isnt what they offered on paper and a salary that is way below what was told and with interview calls coming. How do you know if you should take a risk and just quit and attend interviews or hold on to this company and let go of opportunities!

Or how do we decide to leave behind family and friends when they need us the most, just because we think we can do more for them by leaving than staying and know that is what we are meant to do, rather than be with them?  How can we be sure that we are doing what God wants us to; what he has written for us??

I guess,the truth is, we CAN’T know. We just have to take a deep breath,  do it and get it over wit and more importantly, live with it afterward. If we are lucky and have been true to our conscience, the happiness comes. Otherwise, god help you!

Until then thank god for choices! Yes, I am sulking because of the options and decisions I have to take because of the choices but have you wondered what life would have been without those options or choices?!

P.S- The place happens to be my workstation! Don’t tell 🙂

Posted in m@dness, Moanday Mornings

Randomness

Its one of those Moanday  when reality really gets to you n leaves you feeling real helpless about things happening or not happening in your life. Sometimes you see things happening, see people facing situations , which really make you wonder what these people are made of! And sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you have to face similar situations n then again you wonder “what kinda stuff are u made of?”
And then like I said……there are days when you wonder what you would  do….

1)if every single day of your life you wake up smiling making up reasons to do so and going to bed crying!

2) if you realize that someone has taken away your power to dream and no matter what you do, all you ever get are nightmares!

3) if your family- the only force which the world says is worth living for is the one who thinks you are a burden that they have to live with!

4) if to make matter worse, tell you that they think so.

5) if you are made aware and reminded of your shortcomings and mistakes every single minute the more u try to forget bout them.

6) when you  are the only one left out.

7) when you have to pretend to love the person you hate the most.

8) if you have to see the person u love most walk away to never even turn and ask you if you would be alright

9) when u can  no longer trust your opinions bout things n people.

10) if the innocence of trusting people , of believing friends, of dreaming bout your knight in shining Armour  the innocence of those beliefs you always had just leave you n go away all at once without any prior warning n you suddenly find yourself a changed person, n as people and more particularly friends say ,changed for the worse, cold , curt n most of all hurting.

11)when you realize  suddenly that you are liking it this way.

12) if you break all ties with someone when you realize that you are opening up again.

13) if the “new changed” you has always been the one person you would have hated to become, yet u don’t seem to hate yourself now.

14)if the people around you misunderstand you n you no longer feel it is important to clear up their misunderstanding even when you freaking know that this might just lose the bonds you spent  lifetime building!

15)when nothing really feels important to you anymore n you realize you are becoming more n more self centred by the minute n you don’t give a damn!!

16) When people, their mere sight gives you the creeps

17) if the only thing you want to do is to stare into oblivion!

18) When you begin to think that your misery is infectious and start staying away from people because you think that you might just infect their happiness!

19) When you stop and stare at a long distance bus and actually contemplate getting on it and running away!

20) if your miss goody two shoes attitude was changing to a snap at everyone attitude!

 

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

All over again

It’s starting all over again

.

I am afraid that it is starting all over again.
You know, the stupid silly Hi’s… the good nights and the good mornings…
The un-ending, time-flying conversations…
The caring and sharing…
I am afraid it is starting all over again.

Ya ya i know what u must be thinking, it’s another affair to remember. No! Friends..we all begin our friendship this way. Some turn into love n some others stay as super friends till the end. I have had a lot of friends and while I have been blessed with a few, some have turned out to be real baaad. Bad ones have left me wounded and scarred.

Usually, life gives us choices. I firmly believe that one almost always have a choice. Sometimes it is a limited choice, still we have a choice. Mostly, we make these choices consciously, sometimes unconsciously but we do make them—almost every day. Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we have a choice. It’s the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what’s right.

I am trying to make a choice—make it consciously. I wonder how to resist. I wonder if I should resist. Should we resist when life presents us an opportunity which could turn out either good or bad? I have never been afraid of risks. But at the same time I am not very comfortable with putting others at risk with me.

But, what do you do? What do you do when someone so adorable wants to hold your finger and walk a mile with you? What do you do when they trust you to be there with them ? What do you do when they look up to you? Respect you for who you are?

There are cute people in your life that would stick with you for the rest of time if you let them. You take it a step further and they will love you for they think you are awesome. But the question is: Do you want to do that? Would you not feel selfish?

Do you want to show them the dark hole of your personality? Are you ready to expose the scars you have been carefully hiding for ages and ages now? Is it time yet? Is it time to trust?

My scars, the scars I carry are still fresh. Healing process is a slow one I suppose. I am afraid that the wounds will open. When is it time to trust someone with our scars? When the scars are totally healed or when they are healing?

I am afraid I will be happy again. I am afraid to feel the pain. Please don’t touch my scars, I say.

I am afraid I am falling for the sweet surrender.
I am afraid it is starting all over again.

Posted in m@dness

To find an answer…

Do you face questions??… Tough ones? …easy ones??… Lighter??…darker??… simpler ones… complex issues???… Almost every type baffles us if we either don’t understand them or we don’t know an answer to them…!!!

Questions like blue salwar or white shirt??? Morning or evening slot for yoga??? Normal cheap vegetable vendor or slightly expensive Reliance Fresh??? Normal hair blow dry or permanent straightening?? …. are often simpler and easier to tackle… a bit more pondering over them can easily lead you to an answer or best you might consult someone before arriving at the decision… and lest assured that the decision is one which you are convinced at totally!!!

But then there are questions which catch you off guard!!! Questions which have more than one right answer to it… which makes you to think and think… and wherein you might not come down to any particular answer. Such questions can create havoc in your life and by that I mean that it can bring doom or bloom…You don’t know!!!!

Indeed, we are tested all the time… and life is eventually made in all the answers that we give it back…

Being a Virgo-Libran Cusp, I am blessed with highest level of indecisiveness that can not only make me one crazy human being but at times also irritates the hell out of others around me. Not able to take a quick decision gets on my nerves like anything. Not wanting to falter in anything and everything and yet making sense out of every decision is just too much to handle.

More often than not, we know answers to life’s most difficult questions beforehand…it’s only that we don’t accept them or wait an eternity in hope of finding a more better solution!!! Believe me; I never succeed in finding that other better solution but I still do the same thing every time!!! Amongst the two best options (answers) available there is always one that is correct as per my mind and the other that is correct as per my soul…and more often than not there is this whole big battlefield that goes on between them…

But now I have made peace with myself in this case…and I think everybody around too, should try my way of arriving at decisions if in any dillema…

What??? Haven’t heard about age old methods huh???

“ Simply toss a coin…wherein one side supports your mind while the other one roots for your heart…and while the coin is in the air…Your soul secretly knows what it wants the decision of coin to be…” 
Try it out…!!!

Posted in m@dness

Standing tall

There are many times in our lives when certain incidents bring forth what we stand up for and what we will make adjustments towards. These may later become distant memories like long lost cousins but the lesson they teach one remains etched forever.

Adversity introduces a man to himself. Tells him about who he is …talks to him…argues with him…shows him the way…adversity is a friend in disguise…

What happened a few days back is something that I will remember for the rest of my life…a small incident really…all that was expected of me was my taking a stand. Which sub-consciously I took. Had I not I would have probably never been able to look myself in the eye.

We make certain choices in life and these are a reflection of our character, our individuality. A personality that we build on the foundations of principles, experiences and our beliefs.These are all heavy words, foundations, experiences,beliefs, principles. In the world that I live in I see a lot of it and therefore I feel that the worlds outside mine too have enough of it. But what happens when I travel to these worlds?When I walk into another world? I get a rude shock. the qualities that I had taken for granted, the inconsequential ones like trust, courage, morality, politeness, chivalry are, well, trivial to those worlds which I don’t inhabit.

It is a situation of crisis in my life because I have moved out of my comfortable sphere and now I have to live in those worlds which I had feared most; where the commoners get mauled by the powerful ones; where your dignity gets molested and your  being is murdered; where the can haves rob you of your freedom and put you up for sale. I do not have a choice. The boundaries are expanding faster then I can fathom, the realms encompassing more then I can comprehend…..the walls of care and love are dissolving to accommodate greed, malice and depravity.

We live rather sheltered lives during our childhood.where we are taken care of, nurtured, mentored and fostered into loving and lovable people. In the guardianship of our families and friends, the innocence of our hearts and the immaturity of our thoughts are cosseted and moulded towards the unconscious corners of our minds so we can draw upon them in times when the loved ones are not aournd.

Like fools, we walk with our hearts in our hands and our heads in the clouds. And we meet people and , very naively we place our hearts before the world. The world which has no principles and won’t let you have any. And so it hates you and your lofty ideals and claws at your heart to wound you like it is mutilated. You try to draw back your hand and it tickles you into submission. It does not slacken its grip even if it is your heart that is bleeding.

There is only one way that I know of how to live in this world of sub-human conditions. You choose..you choose what will you compromise on. The luxuries or the principles; the comfort or the satisfaction; the joy or the euphoria; the world without or the world within.

And then you have to walk away and never look back. And then you walk away with the knowledge that you did what was right according to you and you have to live with it. You either die on your knees or you die on your feet. You walk through life with your head bowed low, your existence apologetic or you glide through life with your head held high and you meet the gaze of this world with an equally hard stare; for you….YOU..stood up for yourself and did what was right. You have nothing to fear….nothing to be ashamed about…

For some of us, its not even a matter of choice.