Posted in close to heart


I am not a very “virtual reunion” person, everyone doesn’t evoke the same kind of nostalgia in me. Surprisingly, most school folks do, most college folks don’t. I can’t talk nineteen to the dozen with everyone. With a lot of people I can, with most I can’t. And I can’t have prolonged conversations about in laws. Or about the dorks whose names I no longer remember. And I can’t answer the same questions worded differently for 10 excruciating minutes… Or more!

Especially on Gtalk and Skype.

Especially on a weekend!

Is that a problem?

So stop complaining.

P.S- Happy Weekend

Posted in m@dness

Change is inevitable

Aankhon Mein Jisaki Koyi Toh Khaab Hai
Khush Hai Wahi Jo Thoda Betaab Hai
Jindagi Mein Koyi Aarju Kijiye, Phir Dekhiye
Honto Pe Jisake Koyi Toh Geet Hai
Woh Haare Bhi Toh Usaki Hi Jeet Hai
Dil Mein Jo Geet Hai Gunguna Lijiye, Phir Dekhiye

Phir Dekhiye (Rock On)

People who knew me during my school and college days will find it difficult to believe what I have become now. How MUCH I want from my life? How desperate I am to create a niche for myself and not get lost in the crowd of mediocrity. And how desperately I want to do it on my own terms. I don’t understand complacence. I probably just refuse to. At the cost of losing my peace of my mind ever so often.

This morning as I woke up, I suddenly felt all my apprehensions go up in the air. I think all it might take to get that grip back would be to stand up, shake myself and just start doing what needs to be done. I may have to work harder, fight it out, constanly, proactively look for options because all what I seem to want looks out of reach. And then when I go to sleep at night, I can look back and feel like I have done something worthwhile. 

I may seem like an extremist (and from what I know of myself, I am really not that). But that’s me. I have given up things that i love, compromised on things that I’d wanted and sacrificed things for people i love. I have absolutely no complaints because I knew what I was doing all those times. All the experiences, the people and the situations have made me change. I change but not at the speed of lightening and not when I want to. When I am driven to a point where I have to give in to the change, I embrace it. Yes it hurts, sometimes it feels like its easier to die but then again change is inevitable and so I give in. Again.

I am ecstatic this time though. Because yet again, living life on my own terms has paid of quite well!Maybe change is good. 

P.S- Till next time if you want a change, just get a pair of new shoes!Don’t believe me? Remember Cinderella whose life changed because of a shoe;)?!

Posted in m@dness

I, Me, Myself

Good Afternoon people! It is a Wednesday afternoon and I think most people I can see from where I sit are in a cranky mood! Soo I was away with family for some family bonding giving  each other solace n all that and I am going to be on and off in writing till the new year. Not that I have lots of things to do but I need to get some time to myself and do some me time before the new year begins and so I will be on a wavy mood(high and low) !

It irks me. The being pulled out of the comfy zone I mean.It’s like being pulled out of a cocoon. It always feels terrible to get out of one’s comfort zone. But as everyone knows, you can’t achieve anything unless you get out of it. Change of phases always bring me a great discomfort. Eventually, I do end up liking them though.

When I was in school, I was damn sure I will never like college. First of all, I had to go to Tamil Nadu and talk to my classmates in Tamil. It’s not that I don’t know the language at all n all that but if you speak to me in “Senthamil” I would look as if I was just given a time bomb. I would never get to lead that super cool life like in school were  I was just so carefree, enthusiastic and in love with life. I would never get to travel in my school bus, hang around the local shop with my friends etc. And on top of that, I  knew I would get a culture shock at CBE. If I sound like a rude mallu, I must admit that I was one! The me taking a liking to CBE was a gradual process. I slowly started liking the place. I started liking the “chilli parotta” which was the only reason I didnt die of hunger in my first year. But then like I said I would have found some reason or the other to like the phase anyway. I met Div and Deeps there and formed a bond for lifetime. By the end of my third year, I was completely in love with the new phase.

By the time I reached my final semester, I knew I had to figure out what to do so I decided to study further. I came back to my hometown to do my masters. I wasnt too glad and all that but yes the fact that it was my hometown kinda gave me a high. By the third semester, I was damn sure I wouldn’t like going to work. Too much responsibilities. Too much headache. And you can’t sleep during work hours. When I started to work… it didn’t turn out so bad. The money earning part I just loveeeee 😀 The financial independence is just awesome. I have been working for about 3.6 years now and have loved it till now( though I still crib about the lack of sleep and not being to sit at home and idle n all tht)

Now its almost time for my next transition(the nost major one by far) and I feel the same discomfort. Maybe all this uneasiness is for the good, as proved in the past. Though I think this transition phase is a lil harder than the other ones I went through because there is a lot more pressure, a lot more of disappointments.. and you are just looking desperately for that little iota of hope and happiness.

Sometimes, I just wish I could go back to my childhood days and start things all over again…

But then…this is what life is all about.

Posted in m@dness

From Lappie, With love

My Laptop,lappie has panache!

It’s battered, bruised, chipped, cracked, marred, used and abused but it has a certain charm to it. It calls out to you and says,

“Hey look at me, I am something special, so what if I am not perfect, there is perfection in my imperfect existence. I have lived a full and rich life, seen things others haven’t, done some pretty wild things and been in some weird locales.  I am a wanderer with his heart rooted in one place called “home.”

If only I had blood running through my veins, I would dip my pen in it and write my life story but since I have just some wires and a chip in me, I will tell you my story in the only way I can, by way of text. The crack that you see near the touch pad is due to the fact that M@d had the habit of keeping me on 24/7, 365 days a year. She never slept and never let me sleep either. She kept me up from morning to night and then again from night to morning. Especially while she was studying for Human Resource. Ask her friends:Ash,Tee, Gij, Somettan,Raakri etc. She ran on chicken and made me run on electricity.

My charger tanked and gave up half way through the second year of our association of 5 years. The motherboard had heated up and ignited and burnt making a crack appear on my being, my inner turmoil was exposed to the cruel eyes of the indifferent world. Each and every scratch on my body has an interesting story to tell. Now I am as good as a desktop. I can’t move around like my siblings, I have to be rooted to a spot or move around only as far as the wire lets me; I am a prisoner of my own chord and not accord. The charger is always plugged in from start to shut down, have no life without it.:( Its like the ventilator thingie you humans get wired to at the end of your lives.

I have played songs for her, millions of songs, sad, happy, and angry and some romantic ones in between the angry and happy ones. But mostly soft, melodious ones, she loves music and I have fallen in love with it too. There was a time when she used to play some stupid farm games on some site.  I tried my best to dissuade her from playing that game by  taking time load the page and all that but she still wouldnt let go. Finally someone got some sense into her head n she stopped farming!Another thing she likes is writing. She used to write on word earlier n now she has started writing on her blogs directly. She is a piece of work, and I have been her side kick for 5 years. We make a good team. I love her energy and enthusiasm. She rocks and so do I.

Then there were her projects and assignments, the actual reason her father bought me and let her keep me. The research, downloading, printing, reprinting has driven me mad but I have become an amateur professional because of her. Thanks to m@ds I now know about HR laws, Marketing jargons and process and have become a professional in cut-copy-paste!

She used to take me to some crazy places: the library(just for horror), to cocoa tree(she used to get free wi fi there), her friend’s place, her class(to chat and pull rajeev’s leg), MG Road, Kakkanad, Kalamassery, Kottayam, Bangalore…haa watta life! I have been exposed to all the elements, sun, rain and wind. Sometimes she and her friends have spilled coke and coffee on me other days noodle and soup. She is one sloppy eater but she has never hurt me, never let me fall from her grasp and grace. She has always protected me and cared for me in her wild, careless way. She has loved me more than she has loved anybody in her entire 25 years or so I hope 😛

We made a good team, like that strange dog on tv and its master, Dumb and dumber etc. I battle scarred and she the same, both valiantly charging ahead in life, against all odds, unafraid, passionate about life and its discoveries. Looking forward to another day in the sun or rain. Unafraid, enthusiastic and happy to be alive, living every moment, enjoying it and appreciating the ironies of life. ”


LAppiee, I love you still!!! I would never trade  you for anything in the world…..

Stand by me!

Posted in close to heart

Conversation of Sorts

His hair had begun to lose the thick curls, she noticed. And there was something different about his smile; like the lips lifted to show that he was cheerful but the eyes begged to differ. There wasn’t that cheekiness in him that she remembered from their years at college.

“So… Marriage, huh?” She asked.

“Yeah..” He said, running his hand through his hair, looking a little surprised himself. “Amazing right, I mean even I dint think it would be so fast?”

“Yeah…” She said faintly and looked into her coffee mug.

He definitely had changed but she couldn’t put a finger on it. His looks were the same yet he wasn’t. She tried to remember him from the laughing, funfilled days they had shared. She saw him in her mind’s eye, throwing back his head and laughing at some brainless joke. His eyes alive, sparkling with a light of something she could never figure. His broad, well-built frame easily attractive in a tacky shirt and faded denim.

She used to wonder back then about how this handsome guy who was coveted by almost every girl on the campus was her best friend. The girls would keep telling her that she was lucky to have a chance with him but somehow, she’d never felt like she needed it. He was her best friend and she knew they were meant for each other. They kept asking her, “Are you two in love?” And she’d say “Yes!” because that was what it was. It was a deep love she felt for him and he too loved her. But it wasn’t in the crude, twisted way that the world thought it to be. They were two friends who were deeply in love with each other. She’d told him once how they thought she was going around with him.

“They’re right, aren’t they?” He’d asked, the quizzical, amused look in his eye. “You love me and I love you! So they think right. But who cares what they think? We’re best friends; we don’t owe them an explanation.”

And so the two had breezed, laughing, through the corridors and years of college; as a couple. But only they knew their secret. She’d confide in him about her dream of the perfect guy and he’d tell her about how he’d find himself the ‘right’ girl.

The only problem with those days, he thought, was that they got over. He stole a glance at her sitting across the table, toying with her mug of coffee. She’d changed but he couldn’t say how. She looked just as she did back then; the same deep dark hair flowing down her neck, her eyes the same glitter like two dark pearls. Delicately beautiful yet determinedly strong. No, he thought. That was what had changed. She used to hold herself like an Army general, shoulders straight, head high with a hauty tilt to her chin; like she was in command. Her eyes used to glimmer like she did not believe in hurt or tragedies. As he looked at her now, it hit him; her eyes still glimmered but not in defiance of any hurt but like they were shining from unshead tears of a hurt she’d never acknowledge.

“So you still writing that novel?” He had to make conversation. This was his best friend here and talking to her shouldn’t feel like an effort. Yet he was making it.

“No.. Gave it up a year ago. It was no good. I had to face it.” She smiled at him, a sad, patient smile of someone trying to explain the death of a goldfish to a four-year old.

“Why..?” He asked, bewildered. What had happened to her? Had she too been dragged through rough patches like he had? Had she too been skinned of all those dreams and that enthusiasm like this ruthless world had skinned him? Had she too become a cynic like he had? No, he thought. She hadn’t… she couldn’t have.. he hoped she hadn’t.

She looked up at him, and wished with all her heart that she could have given him a flippant answer, could have offered a carefree yet confident explanation of why she’d chosen to drop it, told him that she had an equally exciting plan in place. She’d have given anything in that moment to face his ‘Why.?’ With an answer that took them both back to the days when every ‘why?’ had a cheerful answer.

She just looked up into the lightless eyes of this young man sitting across the table and sighed wistfully.

“I guess we just had to grow up….”

Posted in close to heart, m@dness


Now why would I write about the famous sitcom when I have enough friends and stories to make a sitcom of my own called MAD Friends!?!?!

So this is about my friends, the family I chose, to keep!

A man is judged by the company he keeps. And so is a woman. If this statement is true then this leads to the most contradictory judgments about me, my character coz I have many-many friends and they have such disparate characters. So if a person has to judge me, how will they? Will they see a common linkage between my friends and try and associate that particular trait to my character. I’m befuddled.. U don’t think this can be the case then just go through this and u would know y I am so muddled…. I am sure everyone has different groups. I mean there is a school friends’ circle, a college group, an office group, a jus for fun friends group for that matter etc.

So as I said, my school group.  Now I studied in 2 schools. 12 years in one and 2 years in another. In my first school were i did 12 years of my schooling, we were a bunch of 1o. We studied together till 8th but I guess we all began noticing each other only during 8th standard when all of us got shuffled into different classes. Guess thats when we realised each other’s existence and importance.The way I see all of them is that they are a bunch of people very liberal and trendy….. at the same time they have a structured set of values when it comes to family, religion, festivals etc…. I mean we go to discs, we go to temples, we booze but we also give up if one of the friends is not present, we would go out of the way to help others at the same time be very protective of each other…. Et all…. And we have grown as individuals…. From silly kids being very competing to teens going through rough times to matured people always there when the other person needs someone. We have gone on our own ways but we all know we will be there for each other when something important is happening in our lives.

Now my  high school  group. I only did 2 years here. I don’t have much to say about this one though coz we disintegrated pretty soon… kinda lost touch… the last thing I knew about them was that they r either getting married or they r cruising through their career…. They were the ones responsible to shape me up…. Somehow being with them gave me courage…. Made me meet challenges head on.. But if I have to associate a particular trait to this group it would be a rebellious attitude. To believe what u think and not what people want u to think. I know where a couple of them are but not very close to them,honestly. Probably coz I was still stuck at my previous school, went out with them more and associated with them much more than I did with my high school….

Then graduation group. It started off with 3 people branched out now to about 12 people. This is one group which strongly believed in simple living high thinking. We would spend days cooking, reading books, writing stuff, listening to songs (same songs over n over again), making the warden go mad, teaching each other, thinking and talking philosophy, shopping, spirituality( not religion) and what not.Strong contradictory characters have been very dominant so the group hasn’t coalesced into one…. As a result this group has many different aspects…. It depends on what faction is dominant or what are the circumstances around… We could be nerdy at times, rash at times, extremely tech-savvy to extreme aversion to technology, have a sporty attitude towards life or gossip/bitch about everything and everyone in life, be very aware of current affairs or be extremely ignorant of life around…. All of us shared the same madness. I still know what everyone is upto, talk once a year and keep in touch with each other lives.

My Post Graduation group. were initially a bunch of 8 which then increased to 12 when the boyfriends/girlfriends joined in.  All in all they are somewhat similar to my school group but with an additional thrust on career.They are extremely objective, extremely organized. I have seen them get obsessed with say a project wit the same zeal as they would be for a person. Viability of everything is of vital importance.. I mean doin nethin for just kicks would be an unthinkable idea for them.

So now what exactly is the judgment doled out to me???? Am I rebellious or am I conservative, am I trendy or am I simple, am I practical in life or am I lost….. For some reason I can relate to all….. All the disparate qualities of these groups and yet so relatable…. I don’t know y I became friends with them…. Just thought that they r like me…. Like they say IT JUST CLICKED….. But in the process did I become like them???? I mean I was conservative but have started being liberal about things…. I have become extremely tech-savvy, I have understood that playing cards with friends on an outing is as much fun as going to a disc with them…. I have started being a stickler where necessary….. I have learnt to think for myself….. et all….. Makes me draw parallel with the TV series F.R.I.E.N.D.S…. extremely disparate people but always there for each other….. each person has maintained their identity yet some effect of the group has rubbed off on them….. so when I see Rachel being organized (just like Monica…) I feel well that’s just like what happened to me…. I became friends with all these people because of the CONNECT I felt with them and with time I have grown, matured and sifted out some of my flaws by takin the good things from my ‘Friends’….. An impulse tells me to ask them, “did they get any good things from me being a part of the group???” and the same impulse tells me ” OF COURSE!!! 🙂 “