Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Move on

Its that one rule life tries to tell us during trying times. Move on. Its easier said than done though. I have lost quite a number of people to both fate and death in the years that I’ve walked on earth. I have tried to make up for the loss of these people in my life as well as in the lives of others whose world’s they occupied. In most occasions I have failed miserably. Nobody can take the place of someone else. Nobody. Period.
That said, something has been in my mind for a few days now. It could be because of the nostalgia that came after reading  a post on my brother’s blog. My father raised me alone. It was him all the way. I say all the way because although there were family and friends to help out at one point or the other, for most parts(read:95%) of my formative years , it was him. For a man to bring up a girl , i am sure would’ve been a herculean task. I know for sure because I have seen the stress and  effort Ro takes when he has to manage ami for a few hours!  So imagine about 24 years!  Things were different and difficult for the three of us; my dad, brother and me. Boys are more closer to the mother abd girls to their dads. I could tell my dad everything but he and my brother always had that line between them. Always.
A neighbor passed away recently due to an illness. A nasty illness that too. She left behind 2 boys aged 8 and 3 maybe. I wasn’t too close to her nor the family. However when i heard of it, I cried my heart out. Partly for nostalgia and partly for the boys. Their family is huge. Grandparents and uncles and aunties and cousins and friends and so many others. Would that be enough for the boys? Will they be able to bond with their father and tell him every small detail of their lives? Would he care to listen? The truth is that we’ll all grieve. For a long long time. We’ll never be tbe same again. We’ll heal in bits and pieces and we’ll slowly learn to live with the loss..the void..the space in our hearts. Forever.
I have thought about speaking to the family time and again and convincing them to let that man marry again, but I have been overpowered by the typical mind-your-own-business mentality. Will he get him self another wife? Will they ever be happy again? I pray they do. Those boys and that man deserves happiness in their life.
I asked myself this question: if I were to die unexpectedly.. would I want to see Ro and ami happy? Would i want to see Ro married again? Ami calling someone else AmmA? Yes. I’d want to. I would love to make sure that they are taken care of well in my absence. I am pretty sure every person up there wants their loved one to remain happy. Happy doesn’t  mean forgetting.  Does it?


Posted in close to heart

Not(e) in the mood- 19

Turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing… sometimes you have to make a big mistake, to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful… but they’re the only way to find out who you really are and to know who values you enough to forgive you. I know who I am now. I know what I want. I’ve got the love of my life and a life that I’ve always wanted and I now know who are the true friends and who are the ones who just use you to get their job done.

In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, there’s really only one thing you can say…I am sorry. Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled. Old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.

Posted in m@dness

Remembering 26/3

As I sat on my couch ,I sent a friend a “Happy Birthday” message telling him that his birthday coincided with an unforgettable day in my life. Then I went to bed and dreamt about randomness all night long. I awoke to a gloomy morning, attended a few phone calls, had breakfast and glanced at the calendar. And then it hit me. It was the 26th of march today and it was a day i could not forget, a fact that seemed so casual last night, and so painful today.

I reminisce about the very same day, 20 years ago. The picture is not very vivid in my mind but the memories that I left behind are. I remembered how the previous night she had called me and asked if I would be sad to leave her and go? If I would cry whn I wouldnt see her again at all. and then when I looked confused she told me she was going to god and that I would have to take care of dad and everyone at home,that I would have to be a good girl and to live the life she always wanted to live. I slept off. Next morning I was woken up and taken to the hospital where the only memory I have is of acha giving her holy water. She was lying on the bed with near and dear around. I was asked to come,hold her hand and give her the water. I gave it to her,but it never went down. We had lost her.People cried,my brother,dad,grandma,uncle. Everyone but me. I didnt know what was happening or y it was happening. but I knew somethin was not right and I knew it would not be for a long time to come.

She passed away on 26th march. 6 years after I was born. My mother. I was shocked. I was a child and did not know the significance of the cancer that you were fighting.

Did I ever tell you that I loved you? Did I tell you that I was proud to be told that my personality matches yours? I was happy when people told me i sing like you and that my voice was exactly that of yours? WHen people told me I would grow up to look like you, i would grin! Well I am getting married this year and I know for a fact that wherever you are, youd be watching. Das has definitely done you proud. He has raised me into a fine woman(no no I dont say this, people tell him that he has done a good job of raising me) and is giving my hand to a really nice man. SO yes you should be happy. I know you will be.

I sit on the couch wondering when those pictures will fade, tear, and not be good enough to save anymore, and whether as I age, my memories of you will gradually fade away. I do not want to be sitting on a couch 15 years from now struggling to remember what you looked like, how it felt to rest my head on your lap and you stroking my hair, and how your gentle soft hands fed me as I throw one of those tantrums.How you used to cajole me when I used to be angry at you by singing your song?

And so my dearest amma, here is a weak attempt to capture those memories into one page. I hope that we meet someday up there where I know your soul is resting in peace.

Posted in close to heart

Memory of a goodbye

Hey Big B, I know you used to secretly read my blog and I hope you still do from up there. I miss you. I know you’d have been there with Das running around and doing stuff with him, for him. He misses you too. He tells me that. Often. I know you’d have loved talking to Ro. You would have loved him. He would have loved you too. I know that for a fact. I miss you. All this would have been more exciting and so much more fun had you been around to give me that push. I have had friends other than you but nobody like you. I know you are watching me from up there and smiling. Grinning actually. Ugh!

People must move on is what everybody says when I talk about you. Nobody really knows what we shared. Even we didnt! And then you had to go. Not to any place on the map but to the world beyond.

The last time I saw you alive, you were laughing at me and saying bye with your hands from inside the car. Captains car. The next time I saw you, it wasnt really you. It was just a body which was cut and sewed. I don’t remember too many details of that October day because it is too painful to hold on to but yes I remember that clean, close and swift, were the words that came into my mind as I realised the silvery blade of a goodbye descend.

Thats how endings should be. No remnants.

Unlike me. I’m still saying goodbye to a person long gone.

Pray for me…stand by me…hold my hand…..wherever you are. I miss you.

Posted in close to heart

Not(e) in the mood- 13

All through my life, I have seen different kinds of people. People who have a totally different way of making or not making friends. I know some people who are warm and cuddly. Some who are arrogant, impatient, mean as often as not. You’d think they wouldn’t have friends cos who could stand them? But as  time passed, I have learnt that those people are like a bad cold. Nasty, but persistent. Nasty, aggressive, unstoppable, just the kind of people you want on your side when you’re really screwed. I know that for a fact coz my besties are those kind of people.

These days I dont go out of my way to make new freinds. I dont know if its because of the pain of losing people you love or plain laziness or the fact that I am happy with the people I have already. Maybe because life and mortality  seem to be staring right into the face all the time, like I have once statused, Death is more universal than life coz you cannot be sure of  living but you can be sure of dying. Maybe because in staring down death everyday, we’re forced to know that life, every minute is borrowed time. And each person, we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line.

Posted in close to heart

I wish you were around a little longer

A year ago, when my best friend died, I cried. I cried because it was too sudden, because I just couldn’t fathom him not being there and more importantly because I never thought death could happen to someone so close to me. It’s always like that right? We see everything around us but refuse to accept the fact that it could happen to us to0. When things happen to people around us, we thank god that it didn’t happen to us but all the while forgetting that it could happen to us next.

For awhile now I have been hearing  a lot of deaths and maybe because I have been exposed to death so closely that now I am no more scared. I have come to accept the fact that yes, death is universal and it happens to everyone and it could happen to anybody close to me  as well.

Today, when am going through one of the most darkest phases of my life, I miss him.A year ago I had convinced myself that he would come back, that he had just gone off to a far away location and will be back on a holiday and give me a surprise with the pair of jeans he had promised to get me. Today while at work, I said a goodbye in my mind to a person who I had valued more than life and it was then that it struck me that I was left with no shoulder to cry on. I was alone, as always. It dawned on me that neither of them were coming back. One had left for good and the other had chosen to live a life in which I had no role. After my dad and brother, it was these two men who I had sought refuge in and now I was left to live a life with just me to clarify doubts, me to make a decision and me to walk the lonely path.

You can shed tears that he is gone, 
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that he was gone.. and the world would never be the same..The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. He lived so much..He was so full of life, creating memories every second.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember him. I saw him motionless. Pale face, stiff body. I remember oh so clearly.

I wonder why it had to be him?! I guess its because he was so damn popular and maybe too many people envied him. Envied, not disliked. He knew I never was one of those strong people.. He knew me.. He was the one who mended me. And yet he gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to hold steadily

I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone. Two of your girls are married and I guess, the one girl you really wanted to be with still pines for you. God bless her. That family of yours, shattered. Nobody mentions you anymore other than your men, the girl and me.. some say they do remember you. But few remember you the way I do…few.

I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..You knew it.

Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work and exercise and do stuff all throughout the day so that I am not busy all the time, so that I dont have time to think. But I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…

But I want you to know that I always thought there were would be more days that i could spend with you. I kept asking and you kept thinking that you had time. But the truth is, we never have time and neither did I. There is never a good time to do anything. Its all crap what they say that things happen in their own time. Things happen when you make them happen or they don’t happen at all. The right time is always NOW.

I couldnt say goodbye to you, I will never be able to. You left and nobody filled that space. Nobody ever will. I will surely have friends but I will never find my best friend again. It was always you and it will always remain that way. These days I keep everyone happy. I make sure I never put anything for the next day. I do everything I can to make someones day coz I dont know if I’d ever get to do anything for them again. What if……

I wish you were here, Big B. I Miss you..every day. I really wish you are happy wherever you are. I wish I see you again in some life after. I hope you havent found new friends there to party with coz I havent found anyone here yet. I miss your hug, I miss our karaoke sessions, I miss our duets on the phone, I miss our drives, I miss doing your office reports, I miss not wishing you on your bday, I miss you climbing my gate, I miss your concern, your love, your security and everything we shared.

If you get a chance, please come back……

Posted in close to heart

Hope shall save the day



A few days ago I had to perform an extremely unpleasant errand for somebody who really should have known better than to ask this of me. I was made to go back to this particular hospital which was the place where I remember having spent one of the most horrible days of my life,  the place I lost my best friend, in order to hand over a receipt, right at the reception area where I got to know that terrible truth. I could have chosen to ignore this particular errand, but I don’t want anybody to feel like I owe them anything. So I went, telling myself that I’m old enough to deal with this, that life isn’t about running away. But it was so hard to see that place again, the dingy road leading up to it, the building, the nurses in white, the familiar receptionist and the never ending staircase. I was thinking about the person that place took away from me, and how I was left with nothing to do but watch death take over him. When I walked into the reception area, I kept looking for his eyes, to see if it watching me struggle. He had the loveliest of eyes…sea green they were.

I know, life goes on. Nothing terribly profound about that coz really, life only knows how to go on. I know that I have to go on, and to realize that its not all about me, and how I feel. There are other, more important things, like running errands. But it isn’t happening very naturally. I look around and I see how I sometimes make people who are close to me uncomfortable, coz they really don’t know what to say to me. That look on their faces, saying that they’re sorry for me, but they don’t know how to let me know that without offending me, or making me feel worse. As it is, being a social creature is hard for me, and it makes it double tough when I see myself guarding against the very people that I love the most in the world. I don’t know how long it will take for me to get over this nagging hurt. I just hope that it happens, and soon. I also hope that when it does, I don’t wake up to find that I’ve distanced everyone who has tried to help. This experience has changed me. I’ve become cynical, jaded, weary and bitter. I just hope the change isn’t irrevocable, coz I really don’t like the way I’ve become. The only encouraging sign is that I’m still tenaciously holding on to hope, a little bit of it. Maybe it’ll save me.

I want to be whole again. I want to laugh with all my heart, coz 50 % only looked great on a maths paper and you know it  just isn’t good enough. I want to be as foolish as I was before I got a taste of how low life can actually you pull you down to. But you can’t choose your experiences. So I’ll just pray that I can make my peace with them, and hope that there are second chances, opportunities that can help me make up for my mistakes, even though I can’t ever compensate for this particular one. I hope to be strong enough to break this wall around my heart.



Posted in m@dness


Sleep comes in a small bottle of clearless liquid.

Conversation comes in the silent call of a phone that never rings.

Laughter is a strange sound that falls on the ears.

Forgetfulness is an art in the course of remembering.

I should remember to forget.

Love is a feeling too scared to explore.

The voice is always too far away for the fingers to touch.

Questions are the answers one doesn’t want said.

Sadness is the coziest chair I ever sat on.

Choices are the most difficult decisions to never make.

Tears are the bookmarks at every event of my life.

Death is a photograph on the wall.

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

I miss you

Everyone has a special friend. One friend who is enough to make up for all the countless back stabbers, the no good friends, the heartbreaking boyfriends and the sibling whose love is conditional. I was lucky too.

We weren’t the neighbours turned into friends type. I dont even remember noticing him till I came to 4th std. We were in different classes(thankfully) but because we stayed in the same area, we traveled by the same bus( which we gave up to get the cheap thrill of travelling in line buses and availing SC’s).  We were part of the same gang and somehow noticed each other just enough to enquire about each other’s absence. Somewhere in probably 5th standard we got talking and became friends. By the next year, we  began to talk  on the phone atleast 5 times after school every day and by the time we got to 7th standard, I was his sister/counselor/ best friend/ girlfriend getter/tution mate/bus mate/chore doer etc

When I changed schools in Class 11 and went to hostel to do my +2, he found excuses to call me on the hostel landline, sometimes faking my brother’s voice and sometimes my father’s. He also became the family doctor when I was ill and the local guardian that never was! But one way or the other, there would be a call from him every single day. He tried to convince me to take up Engineering just like him because he wanted a permenant solution to assignments! He promised to teach me if I did his assignments. Bull! I knew him better!

While I did graduation in Coimbatore, he had his close friends keep a watch on me. He was studying for Engineering and hehad wooed a girl enough to get his assignments done(he loved her….too). So during my final year practical exams, he accompanied me to Coimbatore with his then girlfriend and we had a bash there! It was the year we had so much fun. Movies everyday…coffee shops, long drives, dancing, taking a tour of the city we were born and raised in, eating like we were starving from the day we were born. It was like a dream.

it was around that time that he made me drink for the first time. I wanted to try smoking but he said no. To this day I cannot even think of taking a puff for the fear that he will whack me. He shoved my fear of dancing up my ass and convinced me that I can sing. I remember he used to wake up on weekends and put on jukebox(a channel where callers could pick up and play songs of our choice) , wake me up and we would sing together for hours. I was a bad singer but he was worse. He had girlfriends all the way right from school but not once did he make me feel left out or wierd.

It was when I joined for PG that he and another A came as my guardians to drop me at my hostel. Yes, a girls hostel. The warden let them accompany me all the way to the 7th floor and leave my luggage there. I remember the smile on their faces even today. He would still call me most days and tell me what was happening in his life.  His family, his girlfriends, his game, his gang etc etc. When he joined for his PG,, my assignments and presentations were ready for him.

We talked less as the career and life ahead got to our heads but we made it a point to keep track of each other. I don’t know when it was that we felt the need to have others in our lives. Was it boredom? no. Was it loneliness? never. What was it? Anyway we began to have another circle of friends, a circle which neither one of us had any clue about and that was the beginning of the end. We began to have excuses for not calling or meeting..for days together.

After we passed out and got jobs, we got back again. Catching  up on old times, laughing at old jokes, remembering lost loves etc. We used to meet each other once a month and whenver either of us went on a trip, we would buy the other a gift. Something to say “I thought of you too”.  Small tokens that meant the world.

I remember him comin to my house to give me a surprise around the time I had my birthday and we stood in front of my house and talked for 3 hours straight. We talked about our school, our love lives, his career, my wedding, travel plans, mutual friends etc. I remember him sending me a message soon after he left that night saying we will meet again,soon and that after a long long time he felt really happy that we spend time together. The next weekend, him, me and the other A went for lunch at a posh restaurant to have a sumptous buffet with beer :). He knew I hated beer which is why he made sure thy had only beer so that I dont drink.

It was that very evening he promised to take me shopping to get a pair of jeans and shoes which was due for many years. That night we messaged for a loong time and somehow happened to share what we meant to each other. I realised that I was a sister he never had and  a  person he was sure would be there by his side to correct him and to support him no matter what his life turned out to be.  In return, he was the person I would turn to in case of doubt, my conscience, the reason I understood men psychology and above all my best friend. We promised each other that we will keep in touch and stay strong like old times.

It was on a cold October morning at 4:30 a .m that I got a call saying he was no more going to call me. He wasnt going to go shopping with me, he wasnt going to clear my doubt or keep me from chosing the wrong path, he wasnt going to be around when I got married, he was no more. He died on the spot in a freak accident. His family didnt know which number to call me because my number was stored in a different name in his mobile. It was stored as SiS.

I think of him everyday. There is not a single road we havent been together on. Every time I have a doubt in my head, I still dial his number and cut. I still hope against hope that its just a dream and that someday life will throw him back into this world and he will find me. He was everything I was missing in my life: a best friend, unconditional love, philosopher, my shrink, the one person I’d decided to follow and that is what he had convinced me of, the last time we spoke.

Last night while I was cleaning my room, I found a box tucked away with a bunch of cards that my friends had given me on my birthdays with most of them being from him, old chits we used to pass around, slam books, autograph books, school badges, my test papers, his test papers and so much more. I looked at them through wet eyes and pushed them back to where I found them. Into a corner, a corner of my heart.

I miss you Sudeep VP, yesterday, today, everyday. And in case you are reading this, I still roam around in that torn pair of jeans coz I havent yet bought a new pair.

Posted in m@dness

The Earthquake that wasn’t

Well there was a pretty  decent  earthquake yesterday that struck Indonesia and measured 8.9 in the Ritcher Scale. So there were people across the Asian countries running out of offices and houses, staying away from the beach etc. And me…I stood at my desk looking at the news online and walking around, all the while thinking.

I remember having a close miss at death twice. It was scary the first time. Damn scary. After that it became a part of life, for me. I have seen death in a lot of forms. Like I said, I have seen it closely, missing it by a fraction of a second and I have also seen a lot of people very very dear to me, dying. My mother, my uncles, my grandmother, a guy who I had never seen but a dear friend and lastly my bestest friend. Maybe that’s the whole reason it doesn’t scare me anymore. I can cross a busy street, sit on the passenger seat of a car that is being driven at 90-120kmph, try bungee jumping and live life like it’s my last day on earth.

I had once facebooked: “ Death is more universal than life, everyone dies but not everyone lives.” There are a million ways to interpret this one liner. But the way I see it, if you are born, you just have to die and there are people who all their lives keep thinking, what if they die tomorrow, now etc and waste their time on earth doing everything except living! I pity all of them. Death could come in any form and it WILL happen one day to you. Why bother about how/when you will die when you can actually live in the way you want and then when death actually comes knocking, you can smile and say, you are ready. Isn’t that the way you gotta live life???

Haa so coming back to the reason I started writing this post, Indonesia and the quake that literally rocked half quarter of the world, atleast the casualties are low and there was no Tsunami too. Amen to that.

Until next time: ponder about how to enjoy life and not wait and invite death so that even the angels/grim reaper( whoever comes to get you :P) shudders a little bit before taking you to the other side.

Am I blabbering?!