Posted in m@dness


Sleep comes in a small bottle of clearless liquid.

Conversation comes in the silent call of a phone that never rings.

Laughter is a strange sound that falls on the ears.

Forgetfulness is an art in the course of remembering.

I should remember to forget.

Love is a feeling too scared to explore.

The voice is always too far away for the fingers to touch.

Questions are the answers one doesn’t want said.

Sadness is the coziest chair I ever sat on.

Choices are the most difficult decisions to never make.

Tears are the bookmarks at every event of my life.

Death is a photograph on the wall.

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

I miss you

Everyone has a special friend. One friend who is enough to make up for all the countless back stabbers, the no good friends, the heartbreaking boyfriends and the sibling whose love is conditional. I was lucky too.

We weren’t the neighbours turned into friends type. I dont even remember noticing him till I came to 4th std. We were in different classes(thankfully) but because we stayed in the same area, we traveled by the same bus( which we gave up to get the cheap thrill of travelling in line buses and availing SC’s).  We were part of the same gang and somehow noticed each other just enough to enquire about each other’s absence. Somewhere in probably 5th standard we got talking and became friends. By the next year, we  began to talk  on the phone atleast 5 times after school every day and by the time we got to 7th standard, I was his sister/counselor/ best friend/ girlfriend getter/tution mate/bus mate/chore doer etc

When I changed schools in Class 11 and went to hostel to do my +2, he found excuses to call me on the hostel landline, sometimes faking my brother’s voice and sometimes my father’s. He also became the family doctor when I was ill and the local guardian that never was! But one way or the other, there would be a call from him every single day. He tried to convince me to take up Engineering just like him because he wanted a permenant solution to assignments! He promised to teach me if I did his assignments. Bull! I knew him better!

While I did graduation in Coimbatore, he had his close friends keep a watch on me. He was studying for Engineering and hehad wooed a girl enough to get his assignments done(he loved her….too). So during my final year practical exams, he accompanied me to Coimbatore with his then girlfriend and we had a bash there! It was the year we had so much fun. Movies everyday…coffee shops, long drives, dancing, taking a tour of the city we were born and raised in, eating like we were starving from the day we were born. It was like a dream.

it was around that time that he made me drink for the first time. I wanted to try smoking but he said no. To this day I cannot even think of taking a puff for the fear that he will whack me. He shoved my fear of dancing up my ass and convinced me that I can sing. I remember he used to wake up on weekends and put on jukebox(a channel where callers could pick up and play songs of our choice) , wake me up and we would sing together for hours. I was a bad singer but he was worse. He had girlfriends all the way right from school but not once did he make me feel left out or wierd.

It was when I joined for PG that he and another A came as my guardians to drop me at my hostel. Yes, a girls hostel. The warden let them accompany me all the way to the 7th floor and leave my luggage there. I remember the smile on their faces even today. He would still call me most days and tell me what was happening in his life.  His family, his girlfriends, his game, his gang etc etc. When he joined for his PG,, my assignments and presentations were ready for him.

We talked less as the career and life ahead got to our heads but we made it a point to keep track of each other. I don’t know when it was that we felt the need to have others in our lives. Was it boredom? no. Was it loneliness? never. What was it? Anyway we began to have another circle of friends, a circle which neither one of us had any clue about and that was the beginning of the end. We began to have excuses for not calling or meeting..for days together.

After we passed out and got jobs, we got back again. Catching  up on old times, laughing at old jokes, remembering lost loves etc. We used to meet each other once a month and whenver either of us went on a trip, we would buy the other a gift. Something to say “I thought of you too”.  Small tokens that meant the world.

I remember him comin to my house to give me a surprise around the time I had my birthday and we stood in front of my house and talked for 3 hours straight. We talked about our school, our love lives, his career, my wedding, travel plans, mutual friends etc. I remember him sending me a message soon after he left that night saying we will meet again,soon and that after a long long time he felt really happy that we spend time together. The next weekend, him, me and the other A went for lunch at a posh restaurant to have a sumptous buffet with beer :). He knew I hated beer which is why he made sure thy had only beer so that I dont drink.

It was that very evening he promised to take me shopping to get a pair of jeans and shoes which was due for many years. That night we messaged for a loong time and somehow happened to share what we meant to each other. I realised that I was a sister he never had and  a  person he was sure would be there by his side to correct him and to support him no matter what his life turned out to be.  In return, he was the person I would turn to in case of doubt, my conscience, the reason I understood men psychology and above all my best friend. We promised each other that we will keep in touch and stay strong like old times.

It was on a cold October morning at 4:30 a .m that I got a call saying he was no more going to call me. He wasnt going to go shopping with me, he wasnt going to clear my doubt or keep me from chosing the wrong path, he wasnt going to be around when I got married, he was no more. He died on the spot in a freak accident. His family didnt know which number to call me because my number was stored in a different name in his mobile. It was stored as SiS.

I think of him everyday. There is not a single road we havent been together on. Every time I have a doubt in my head, I still dial his number and cut. I still hope against hope that its just a dream and that someday life will throw him back into this world and he will find me. He was everything I was missing in my life: a best friend, unconditional love, philosopher, my shrink, the one person I’d decided to follow and that is what he had convinced me of, the last time we spoke.

Last night while I was cleaning my room, I found a box tucked away with a bunch of cards that my friends had given me on my birthdays with most of them being from him, old chits we used to pass around, slam books, autograph books, school badges, my test papers, his test papers and so much more. I looked at them through wet eyes and pushed them back to where I found them. Into a corner, a corner of my heart.

I miss you Sudeep VP, yesterday, today, everyday. And in case you are reading this, I still roam around in that torn pair of jeans coz I havent yet bought a new pair.

Posted in m@dness

The Earthquake that wasn’t

Well there was a pretty  decent  earthquake yesterday that struck Indonesia and measured 8.9 in the Ritcher Scale. So there were people across the Asian countries running out of offices and houses, staying away from the beach etc. And me…I stood at my desk looking at the news online and walking around, all the while thinking.

I remember having a close miss at death twice. It was scary the first time. Damn scary. After that it became a part of life, for me. I have seen death in a lot of forms. Like I said, I have seen it closely, missing it by a fraction of a second and I have also seen a lot of people very very dear to me, dying. My mother, my uncles, my grandmother, a guy who I had never seen but a dear friend and lastly my bestest friend. Maybe that’s the whole reason it doesn’t scare me anymore. I can cross a busy street, sit on the passenger seat of a car that is being driven at 90-120kmph, try bungee jumping and live life like it’s my last day on earth.

I had once facebooked: “ Death is more universal than life, everyone dies but not everyone lives.” There are a million ways to interpret this one liner. But the way I see it, if you are born, you just have to die and there are people who all their lives keep thinking, what if they die tomorrow, now etc and waste their time on earth doing everything except living! I pity all of them. Death could come in any form and it WILL happen one day to you. Why bother about how/when you will die when you can actually live in the way you want and then when death actually comes knocking, you can smile and say, you are ready. Isn’t that the way you gotta live life???

Haa so coming back to the reason I started writing this post, Indonesia and the quake that literally rocked half quarter of the world, atleast the casualties are low and there was no Tsunami too. Amen to that.

Until next time: ponder about how to enjoy life and not wait and invite death so that even the angels/grim reaper( whoever comes to get you :P) shudders a little bit before taking you to the other side.

Am I blabbering?!

Posted in m@dness

To live for..or die

“We’ve lived a full life, now we choose to end it”

I first came across this news on my brother’s blog and then I had this urge to read up on what really happened.

The suicide note said, “We have lived a very eventful and happy life together,” We’ve travelled the world, lived in different countries, made more money than we ever thought possible, and enjoyed spending as much of it as we could on things that brought us joy and satisfaction. We believe in the philosophy that our life belongs to us and only us, and we have the right to choose to die as much as we have the right to live. We leave behind no debts or liabilities.”

In short, Anand and Deepa, a couple in their thirties commited suicide in Goa. Yes, suicides are quite common today but all suicides have a motive, a reason which drives people to take their own lives. However, here apparently this couple did not have any reason to do so. They were leading a luxurious life. Good job, married to each other, totally in love, happy…then y?!?!

This news kept me awake n got me thinking. What do people actually live for??

Happiness?? If yes the whats the limit of does one realise one cannot be more happy? How does one understand true bliss??

Money???How much is too much?? I mean can anyone ever have more than they need??

Love??When do you know that you have recieved all the love in the world and that there just cannot be more?

Or just life???When should we be satisfied with life?My dad realised that he has reached his prime at 65!!! My cousins seem t have reached it around 40 and when I look around today, most young couples are on top of the world at 25 – 35 years itself! They have a good job, good money, love and enjoy life but after a couple of years they get  bored and nothing seems to amuse them!They feel as if they have achieved enlightment and their purpose of life is over or there is no motive in living further.

I really cannot understand how people can just end their lives like that!! Me, no matter what I cannot take it and would kill someone if they tried to take mine! I can never have enough of living! Whether life means happiness, sadness, mundane, love, hate, torture, apprehensions..or watever, I cannot do it and it amuses me why people do it!Don’t they realise that there is no coming back or is it because they feel the other life will be much better?!
Can we really decide when we are satisfied and see that we end our lifes happily??!! I mean does that make any sense??!!

I really am confused!

Anand and Deepa Ranthidevan, may you find whatever you didnt find here, in the other life. Wishing you happiness and courage wherever you are. May your soul rest in peace!

P.S- Just because I have written two posts on Suicide, does not mean i have suicide tendencies!!!!!!

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Final Goodbye

Sudeep VP, my best friend for 20 years died in an accident on 29th October 2011. I cursed him for a lot of things when i saw him lifeless but out of all that I cursed him the most coz he didnt even say bye to me….and I decided, if ever I am unable to say goodbye when I go this is what I would’ve wanted to say…

The time has come, my friends, to say goodbye,goodbye to the life I’ve lead so far. I can’t really imagine where I am gonna go. The future is hazy, don’t know where I’m going to end up, but the past, it is clear in my head. These memories, I shall carry with me. Going through the memories I have in my head, each one’s got a story to tell, I relive the countless events, with my favourite people in the world, who, its so bloody scary to think, will not even be a part of me( I cant say my life coz I wont have one!).  I don’t want to die, I dont want to say goodbye. I wish I could capture this moment, keep it with me, so we’ll never have to say goodbye, so we can come back here together, as it always should be, whenever we would like to.
But, its out of my hands now. The universe is too big to worry about us, this is the way it functions. I don’t think I’ll have happier days than these, no matter heaven or hell, but all good things must come to an end, and this is it.

So, goodbye, we shared lots of laughs. As I lie here and remember, I get this bittersweet feeling, something I have never experienced before, something I cant explain to you, but I’m sure you already know the feeling. You guys are the greatest and I will miss you, miss you always!

Remember I loved you all a lot more than I had ever told you and I will wait at the end of the tunnel just to see you all again…..


Posted in close to heart, m@dness

To My Best Friend….Forever..

August 1,1985 is the day he was born, 11 months before me. That additional time is what gave him the edge to act like the superior one ALWAYS. He has been the elder brother to me, my friend, my best friend,my philosopher and guide from the time I have gained my sense. We stayed very close to each other,went to the same school, same tuition and had the same friends. My god he was one popular kid! In school, college and the places he worked. His parents had named him Sudeep VP but he was rarely called that. VP for less intimate friends, Pundu for close friends,Swarna for family and Annan for me.

October 29,2011 would have been an ordinary Saturday if it wasn’t for that one phone call that changed everything. 5:40 am is when I received the first call. It was my friend Anoop who was mumbling quite a few things all at once. He said Annan had an accident then he said get ready then he said annan is no more. 5:45 am I called annan’s mobile and his brother picked up which was very unlikely. He told me annan is gone. He died.

Everything else that happened that morning is still a blur for me. From one hospital to the other. Taking calls, answering messages all the while trying to convince myself that he was still around and that he was just fooling all of us. We got his body at around 1:00 after the post mortem.

It was an accident, a car accident. A nasty one that killed two in the back seat. Yes it was the result of drunken driving. Nobody’s fault. Fate that’w what everyone seems to be saying. Whatsoever I lost him..forever.

I want to write but just can’t seem to do it. All for another time.

To mybest friend forever….You will always hold that position in my heart. Forever. I will remember you as my own angel for the years I have left in this life without you.

Wherever you are may you find happiness and peace. When you look down you will see that everyone has only fond thoughts about you and you will know what you meant to a lot of people.

Love you always….

Your maalumol.

Posted in close to heart

Things Change- On Suicide Prevention

I had written this a little while ago after i had read a news about this incident and it moved me to write about it:

(Please read the post if you haven’t read it before continuing further)

On Sunday night, Bangalore city claimed yet another suicide victim. Ruchi Shandilya who was just 25, ended her life by hanging herself from the ceiling fan, in her apartment, near Ulsoor lake. She has worked with manoviraj Khosla for three years. He is holidaying abroad and when he heard of her death, he was shocked and completely shattered. She had been married for the past three years to Prashant Kumar and her marriage had run into rough waters. There were constant fights. On Friday, after one such fight, Prashant stormed out of the house and moved into his friend’s place.Ruchi later constantly tried to contact him but he did not answer her phone calls. On Monday morning when he returned home, the sight that greeted him was Ruchi’s dead body hanging from the ceiling.

What truly breaks my heart in this story is that Ruchi repeatedly tried to reach out. I can empathise completely with her pain and her desperation Can you imagine her agony for her to have taken this extreme step? It is easy to say “People have fights all the time, why should anyone take their life for that?” Fact is it is not that single fight which would have caused her to end her life. It would have been the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

The strongest signals which a person likely to commit suicide gives out is “I cannot go on anymore.” They may not say so in so many words, but they may reach out. Suicide is rarely a spur of the moment decision. It is not like how it is shown in the movies.

Suicides can definitely be prevented by talking about issues. And for talking one needs a trusted friend, a confidante and sometimes just somebody who cares enough to listen.

Had Prashant picked up Ruchi’s calls, her death would probably have been prevented.
If Ruchi had a close and trusted friend whom she could have called when Prashant did not respond, her death might have been prevented.
If someone who knew Ruchi cared deeply about her, her death could still have been prevented.

What I feel most hurt about is, nobody really cares..For most people, this just a story in today’s newspaper which will go into trash pile tomorrow.

In any relationship, fights are inevitable. In life problems are inevitable. But what is needed is talking about it. One cannot cut off from loved ones, the way Prashant did just because he was angry. The least he could have done was pick up her calls. He owed her that much. After all, they must have had something between them, for them to get married.

But things change you, see (and that was meant sardonically).

P.S: If you have even one single dependable friend and a true friend, hold on to them. They are worth their weight in gold.