Posted in Gelf News, m@dness

Back Again!

Yeah, I am back here. So? If you are thinking why this time? My answer is, well, this is my space and my will when ever I come, when ever I write. Lol.. With the first line, I guess by now you all must have made out, that mads is back!

There have been things in my life that transformed me into a complete different person. I did sulk and crib. I Might have showed it to some people and might not have to many. And I have moved on. I am looking forward to a new beginning. And this time, I am sure I am not at any cost, going to settle for something sub standard.

 All this while, when I was not me, I’ve discovered some aspects of myself I’ve never known before. The vulnerable me. The strength I thought I possessed was put to an endless test, and it helped me to move. As they say, life is all about moving on. After this phase, I am not just a new me, but someone totally different. And its nicer to grow up.
 
So I’ll let you off with a few things…and then get back to regular blogging 🙂
…I have a job now. And I am actually happy about it. I thought HR was my thing but I realised, I liked it only because it was the easy way out. So here I am, doing marketing! These few months taught me that the easy way just doesnt pay off like the hard ones do.Till last year, I have been taking the easy way out always and so this new me is going to take the road that has the bumps and turns 🙂 Life has to be exciting, right!?
… I miss Cochin every single day.
…Joeey, Div, Deeps, Naani, Su, Chech, I love you guys a zillion times.
Div gave birth  to Faith!
…I learnt that money is important too 🙂
…” If you do, I do, If you dont then I wont” Should this be the attitude towards people we care for?Should tit for tat be the policy? Or should our love and care be unconditional always despite the indifferent attitude of the other person? If they value what we feel for them why dont they show it? Not related to my life at present. This was for somebody I used to know! And also please dont think this post is about you! It is abt no body in particular. This is something I’ve always wanted to be clear about in my head. I am sure everyone faces this dilemma every time the people they care about turn cold towards them (reasons may vary- mood swings, new friends etc) My policy by far has been I always tend to be very patient with the person till he/she cools down. I give them the right and liberty to vent out their frustration at me because if friends wont listen and understand who else will? Most of the times I take the shit. I hardly react.Now I will. You hurt me, I will hurt you!
…Ro, I am falling prey..to your mesmerizing ways:)
…Keep your ego aside in relationships. Talk it out! It works all the time.
…Save money. Really. I used to sulk and hate Das for taking  a chunk of my salary and putting it into a savings account. Left with no job and a financial crunch that I didnt ever dream of, that savings really helped! Trust me ladies, you dont want to walk with your head bent, around a huge mall with “75% SALE” written all over the place and shed a tear because you cant even afford a cheap sandal! And guys, you dont want your wives to go through that right?!
…The only people you need in your lives are the ones who have proven that they need you in theirs!
…I love blogging at work!
…Its Thursday and its weekend!!!
…Dubai is not the Capital of the Emirates! Its Abu Dhabi!
…Being careful is a good thing. Dont let it lead you to PARANOIA!
Thats it! Bye for now!!! I will be back soon 🙂 I promise!
Posted in close to heart

I am back, for good.

I know I have been doing disappearing acts quite frequently from the beginning of this year but yeah, i am back. And I am back to being “jumpy in a nice sort of way” from “jumpy in a horrible sort of way”! You, as regular readers would know I have had two horrible years in a row and to be honest I was expecting this year to be horrible too. But, no(touch wood, now!!!!!! and only then continue reading). I am glad things are working out to be great(Touch wood again.)My head has been full of thoughts. All that I am going to write in this post would been written on separate days and in separate posts if I were around the last few weeks. But fortunately I was learning to keep my thoughts to myself. At least until it’s OK to spill them out. If you ask me, that indeed is a big thing for me to learn, if you knew me and my verbal diarrhea!

After very long phases of desperate fighting and proving and longing, I think I just about managed to reach a point in life where I had no complaints. But along with it has come a lot of cockiness. My edges have been smoothed out in the last few days, and for that I am thankful. I might just be a little more patient from now on. And a lot less cocky. But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop ranting about morons. I will just be more patient with them. But if someone gets on my wrong side, I will still wish hell upon them.  I have a lot to learn.

I think I have become so used to not bein happy that I am worried when I am happy. And I am so damn happy. Happy in a way that is scary. I smile a lot now. I sing most of the time. I laugh with people. I help random people. I am happy!The worst kind of anxiety is when your troubles show signs of ending. I am scared of this feeling of being on top of the world(which I, as a matter of fact was on top of at exactly this time last week. In the real sense.)Haa so I cant believe I can actually be so happy. Its like a new world for me and the best part is that life hasnt even started with Ro and I am actually already this happy! I believe in god now. I believe that when people say things dont work out because there is something much much better out there, it really is true!

I admire people who have the kind of faith in themselves that they can let go of clinging on to someone so “intangible” – God. For me faith was that last and final thing that brings me hope just when I am on the verge of losing it completely. Ro is spiritual and not religious and that I am glad. I have never been religious. But faith and deriving strength from it is a different matter – I am glad I have it now! i thank god every single day for giving me what I deserve. Yes, I cried to god for all sorts of things , fought with him because he didnt give me what I asked for and questioned him as to why he was making me go through so much and then finally I prayed to him and told him this,” Dear lord, I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made in my life. I promise not to repeat anything ever. I will forgive all those who have hurt me and will wish them well and pray for them all my life. I want you to forgive me as well. I want you to  make sure that you leave me with no options other than what  you want me to do and above all no matter what I want in life, I want you to give me what you have in store for me. That is my prayer to you.Today and everyday.” And this prayer gave me the strength to change my life and it has made me a much better person. I have found a man who loves me unconditionally and I am irrevocably in love with him too. And that I think is my true blessing from the skies above.

Friends. WHat would one do without them? I have a lot of friends but only a few have managed to form a lasting bond. Div and Deeps are my sisters in arms. The ones that I turn to when I need tht push. Joeey I wonder how miserable life would have been if you hadnt come back into my life at a time I needed someone the most. Bless you, girl. Mangu, my soulmate! Sin, the one that plans to stay behind the scenes for the rest of my life, Ol woman, there is no problem that I have that cannot find an answer when shared with you, I cant wait to get to you in September. Psycho, Captain you guys definitely make my world a better place to live in and last but not the least, my family. Thanks for accepting me with everything that I am.

Ro, a mention on a post is not enough to explain what you mean to me.So I shall not speak now. For now, remember that you are right at the centre of my world and you fill me with a love I have never ever known. During my times of struggle – major and minor – I have been told two things – “keep the faith” and “don’t forget to see the humour”. In the last few weeks of desperate anxiety and uncertainty, I tried my best to do both (see how grown up and all I sound? :P). I can’t go into the details here, but all I am saying is that Ro and I have overcome our first struggle as adults and as a couple. And no, we were not fighting. Not this time 😉 And we have come out of all this stronger. Happier. More drunk on life. And I think more in love too.Thank you for loving me.

For now, there is work to do before I take a break, people to thank, songs to sing, prayers to say and a lot of love to give. I will see you around!

Posted in m@dness

Maybe

Like I have told you before, Tuesdays are the days I think and wait and pray and hope and all that and so today which is yet another Tuesday, once again, i find myself at the crossroads of life!!

Why does life continue to confuse me even though I’ve given up on it??
Why does it still come up with  surprises and make them even more obvious exactly when i’m tryin to ignore them??
Why does it put forward choices which i dont feel like making anymore n yet dont feel like losing either??
True! life gets all the more complex with each coming day n the confusions never cease…

Sometimes i wonder,aren’t we even given the right to make the smallest or most insignificant decisions of our lives? Nothin seems to be in our hands or in our control and yet we often like to believe we can do something about it. Humans are dumb, ya?!

A simple argument discussion brought about many a realization today…a simple conversation made me think a lot about the way i am with people around me. Maybe all I’m doing is neglecting those who care for those who don’t at all.And if that wasn’t enough, i was lectured on how i have this super inferiority complex that makes me feel that i cant deserve any good and how i doubt life when it brings pleasant surprises along.

I am bracing myself for the possibility that next I’ll be told I’m crazy n should be admitted in some asylum!

Life these days is all about arguments and choices! And about how i should get rid of my trust issues , how i should believe in love and perhaps also..easter bunny .tooth fairy..n Santa Claus too…(no?? hehehe i thought the rest would follow suit!)

But then again, if I’ve changed soo much, why do i still care? Why does it still hurt to see a close friend sad? why does it still sting when a friend tells me that he/she is getting hitched and I smirk and ridicule the whole system of marriage??why is there still a probably?? why do i still get misty eyed when i watch those “ultra corny” movies which always manage to have a happy ending??Why does it hit when my closest friends and family say ive changed?? why dont i have anything to say when ppl ask me for explanations, reasons and advice…even though i did hate it soo much myself once upon a time?? why do i go back to the mad people began to hate,vulnerable, naive,ultrasensitive, moody and angry!Why dont i no longer believe in happy endings??? why has my faith in “good things happen to good ppl” dwindled so much??
Maybe, its a fallacy. Maybe everyone is wrong. Maybe this is the way I had always been except for the five years that I spent being blind. Or maybe when those 5 years ended, it also took with it, a girl who was fun to be with, lively, talented and believed and trusted in the goodness of life and had faith in people. Maybe that is how I changed. Maybe.

 

sigh! And I am just waiting for all of this to end and start new. Right now planning to go with the flow without being swept too far!

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Over and done with 25

And another one bites the dust. I am supposedly one year older younger, one year wiser and one year more beautiful than I was last year. Come on, technically my new year starts tomorrow and not on Jan 1st. No prizes for guessing!

This was an important year. More important than I had ever imagined. I did so much n so much happened to me. I lost my best friend to death. I broke my heart. I failed and succeed. I saw my dad battling it out with cancer. I wrote obsessively. I scored. I prayed. I hated. I traveled. I almost got fired. I quit a lot of things. I infatuated myself with getting back in form or shape rather. I left friends behind. I made bonds that I know would last a lifetime. I experimented with my sanity. I experienced I gave up on forever.

Would I do it all over again if I get a chance? Probably not. Some seasons should never come back and this was one of those seasons.

But I’ve also learnt a lot this year. I learnt that things don’t always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should, and it is not necessarily a bad thing.I’ve learnt that death is inevitable.  And I’ve learnt that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learnt that good people also hurt you – no matter how good they are, at some point they are bound to hurt you too and its alright. I’ve learnt that relationships are fickle. They should not be measured by how long you have known someone, but how deeply you have enjoyed.I’ve learnt that your life isn’t something that just about anyone can throw around. You have to make your life love you! I’ve learnt that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learnt that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, even when you don’t have people who love you. I have learnt that if you do put your heart and soul into something, things can get done. I have learnt that the sooner you let go, the better it is. I also learnt that you gotta fight it out sometimes.

And now I stand here in this strangely familiar city, in this not so pleasant weather, trying to find a direction. There are no familiar faces around to guide me, no matter how hard I try to look for them, but I know why that is. They are not supposed to be here. Its my time to get up myself and figure it out. Otherwise I will never learn.

But the good news is that once I get up and put myself together, work up the courage to turn the corner of the street I had been looking at for such a long time now, I will bump into a stranger(or maybe not so much of a stranger), we will smile at each other and somehow all will be well again. Its only a matter of getting up and turning around that corner. I know I’m still a little bent, a little crooked, but I can’t complain. After bearing through all kinds of abuses this year and crashing into dead ends and living through hell, I feel better now than I did a few months ago. I might have some scar tissue, but that’s alright, I’m still making progress.

Soooooo, here’s to another year of kicking and struggling and loving, and working up the nerve to take that turn and find out what’s around that corner. HEre’s hoping that my dream of finding love and being a little happy comes true atleast this year. Here’s wishing that I do a few good things and a few things right this year and here’s praying that I don’t lose out anymore on people that I love.

Happy birthday life! You definitely make 26 look goooooood!!!

Posted in m@dness

Agnostically yours

Maybe it’s my lack of life experience. Lack of knowledge of events, or of people. Whatever be the reason, it has led to my belief, or disbelief in certain pertinent issues.

For one, I don’t believe in Religion. My father and many elders I know, believe this is one of those phases. I’m at an age where it is my solemn duty to question, and then, disregard all known established practices and beliefs. But, in actuality, that’s not the case. I’m old enough to know better than to be blindly caught up in the whirlwind of rebellion.

This what I believe. Spirituality, faith, luck, destiny- they’re all symbolic of one thing. Our collective sense of being powerless.Our helplessness to face what life throws our way. All of the aforementioned, only attempt at making somewhat coherent sense of the randomness of the shocks and curve-balls that find our way. Faith in a higher power, who makes everything okay, and gives the happy ending to every story, gives (some of) us the ability to hang on, beat life at its own game or at least play at par. Because as humans, we are just not attuned to expect the unexpected. Our worries add up to more worries, insecurities multiply into a dozen more, and when times are rough, such blind faith in someone who can make all our sadness disappear is an easy way out. Most important of all, it gives us hope. Now, hope is something I believe in. And I don’t need to believe in some religious book to have that strong belief that the outcome of all my actions, or even actions beyond my control, will be good.

But, pragmatist that I am, I’m going to toe the line and say I’m an agnostic. Coz if God really does exist, and he reads this blog post , then I really wouldn’t want to burn in hell!

Posted in Moanday Mornings

Faith

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, may not be a castle after all. And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Once in a while, just like faith.