Posted in m@dness

Of Friends and more

As you know, my life’s changing! Too many things to do in a day and very less time!  Last night I was noticing how I haven’t talked with my girl friends for so long. Then I got to thinking, maybe I didn’t have as many girl friends as I thought. Where have all my girl friends gone? Why are they missing when am taking that big leap?

I understand that the world doesnt stand still. I get it that everyone has a life. Priorities change and so do people. People go to work, get married, start families etc but is it actually right to make that an excuse to not spend time with friends who were there when you were down in the dumps? Do friends come to us according to our needs? When we need them? Or do we cultivate them so that they can be there when we need them? If we cultivate our friends and invest in them, then why do so many friendships break up even after years of being friends whereas new friends seem closer to you than family?

It’s a strange universe of fickle friendships. At one point I felt I had so many friends that I could barely keep up with them. People who I could have coffee with, friends who would come home and sit for hours, friends who would drive for hours just to spend time together, movie friends, shopping friends, happy friends, sad friends etc..

Then suddenly the world changed. Friends moved on. New people came into my life. They weren’t  exactly what i;d call friends. Old friends found new friends. I wondered if I had “invested” enough? Hadn’t I done what was needed to rely on them? Or was it another expectation from life that was being tested for me to understand that one cannot have ANY expectation. That maybe “friends” are like the weather. You can’t predict when they’ll be sunny and when they’ll be moody.

My father though seems to have several  friends from work, from the football playing boy gang that he and my uncles shared and even friends from 40 years ago!! Is he doing something different that our generation hasn’t understood? We have come into an era where friends are there according to what we need from them. So friends from work will be thick since they share common environments, moms with kids will bond since they have a common topic to speak about, and women in gym classes will bond  because of their mutual suffering. And married women will crib over their husbands and this bonds them as friends. We are all aware that these relationships might not last forever. But we also know that we grow as individuals and it’s probably for the best to have some friendships dissolve.

There is no need nowadays to “invest” for the long term. We all don’t have time to give so much of ourselves. With extremely busy lives, we’re just happy to have a few hours with people who are free at that time. That constitutes friendship nowadays. Or so I think.

Can we count the number of friends who have known us for more than ten years and we still rely on? Probably on our left hand. Out of those, can we say we still have something in common with them? The number becomes less. But when you’re sure of that number, those are the people who will attend everything that’s important to you no matter how difficult it is or how busy they are, those are the people who will love you even if you change and become completely different from them. That number will always stick. And that friendship will be far more important than any family you’ve ever had. Its alright that I have just a few of those in my life but really, thank god for them!

The world is opening up so many social platforms for us to make friends. The truth is we are all still alone.

Posted in close to heart

Not(e) in the mood-16

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”

This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. As for love, it will come and go too and most of them – actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.


Posted in m@dness

To the Warm n Fuzzy Ones

Another week, another Monday  I had a pretty blah weekend. Nothing much to do. S and DC came for a “flying visit”  with Lil on Saturday. Slept the whole of Sunday! Thats it. Tada! And the weekend was over n done with.So as I sat in a contemplative mood, I realized that the art of comforting ourselves is something we start practicing from childhood. It can start from ice-creams, chocolates, maggi, and as we grow up into that incomprehensible term “adults”, it can turn into taking walks, listening to music…sometimes the illusive “calming” power of cigarettes or alcohol. The last two are rather sad ways and do not provide comfort as much as escapism, and the two are pretty different things, actually. But for some of us, the instant magic that hugging a teddy bear brought us as children remains just that magical and fool-proof. It is not something that many people do or know or even admit to. But for those of us who do know..hmmm how would we describe the feeling? I have spent numerous years trying my hand at word-play and sophistry and yet, no amount of it can describe feelings such as this other than all warm and fuzzy! It’s like being engulfed by a soft blanket when its snowing outside. Its just that simple, yet that precious. And those of us who are really lucky, meet someone who has this same charm and is going to be there for life.

So, this is for the warm and fuzzy beings in my life. We dont see each other often, some I see over few weeks and some I havent even seen for years. But, whenever we do get together, its a funny feeling. To my teddies!

Chech! I hate meeting and talking to new people. I get so awkward and all “ and more umm”, its ridiculous. yet, the first time I talked to you, all I did was laugh. No, no, not at you…well, may be a little. But anyhow, I did not think it was possible to like you better than I did already. And then, I met you. I am glad you are married to my brother!We wouldnt have been able to find him anybody half as nice as you.

Deeps n Div! One of the luckiest things to happen to me was meeting you both when I did…just when I moved to the new city. All the misery I anticipated was virtually cut down to half thanks to you. I still remember what Deeps said to me as I was returning  from Cochin…how lucky I was to have spent 19 years of my life amidst things that remain unknown to so many. And ever since I came here, I have realised just how right you were. For all those endless hours that I bombarded you with my home-sickness and exactly why I just have to go back someday, you always seemed to understand. Maybe you do not really. Maybe you are just being nice and humoring a cribbing soul. But the way you do it makes all the difference. Div, You make momentary childishness seem “okay,”even needed, actually. With you, its okay to cry now and then, be hurt over trivial matters and think about things near impossible to achieve. And how, oh how do you always manage to make people laugh? No matter what the situation, with you smiles are always guaranteed.

Sin: A lot of people are ever ready to provide advice. Stupid advice, irritating advice, belittling advice and so on. But I actually like listening to what you have to say. Because you do not patronize. You do not make the other person feel stupid for getting into stupid situations in the first place, even if they are. You do not ask for the reasons behind everything. You actually remember that careless mistakes or short-sightedness are things that all of us commit at some point in time. This little something is always conveniently forgotten by many.

Soooo of all people,the four of  you will understand that sometimes words are not the best way out. And me? I am pretty bad with them. Sometimes the subject is just too weird, too infuriating and sometimes, just too nice. I am sorry I could not manage something better than this, because you deserve much better!But I want you to know that you are among the best people I have met, or will ever meet. I love you because you are honest, simple and without airs. Yes, and I think you all  are smart. Very smart actually. Because unlike so many, you do not disregard emotions. And please do not ever start doing that.

I am so glad I found people like you, so glad that you are here to stay. In a world so full of egoists and mean people, you give me hope of actual nice people out there somewhere. You are among my most favorite people in the world. You are the best teddy bear I could have asked for. Thank you for all the times you have made me feel so warm and fuzzy. I hope you are not tired, because I will always need more of that.

For you, I wish I could write better!:)

Yes, you will see a lot of good things and happiness on my blog from now on, hopefully. I am trying to be thankful for all the things I have in life and stay happy atleast for the sake of people around me to whose misery I seem to be adding to! So here’s wishing me some good luck and maybe peace if not happiness!

Posted in m@dness

I believe in angels

Ahem Ahem; Try humming “I have a dream” while reading this one 🙂

People who know me would  know that I had a double fall on Saturday. As in, I fell twice on the same day. I was hurt. Less physically and more mentally. It was a weird feeling. I felt lost, scared, lonely, etc etc. I woke up on Sunday with a feeling of absolute despondency. I switched off my phone, shut my laptop and remained oblivious to the world. I am not sure why I did that but…I did it.

S and M with Lil drove down 50 km just to check on me. I wasn’t replying to their messages and they weren’t sure how I was so they actually drove down without giving it a second thought(Oh well, they may have thought but does that  really matter?! They came!!). Now that did bring about a strange sort of satisfaction, the kind you experience when someone thinks of u as an important part of their life. Even weirder was the fact that I had never done anything for them that would’ve made them reciprocate this way!!

And then yesterday, I met Joey who was ranting about me to her husband. I never thought she’d rememebr so much about our past. She kept telling him about what we used to do when we were kids and how I had helped her and how close we used to be and how much fun we used to have. We spoke about old times and only then i realised how a small thing said can make such a significance in a persons life. She told me that the way she looked at it, I was her angel. More than she being happy, i was happy, happy that atleast i’d been of help to someone , someone who valued the little assurance i’d given in such a a big way.

I have begun to believe that in life, we all have such “angels” in the form of friends, who keep helping us spread our wings , helping us learn to fly n  helping us to be angels for someone else. It may not be a single person all through your life but at every struggle n every obstacle there will be an angel that is a god sent. A friend that will help you get through it all.

As I walked back home last night, I realised that sometimes we become angels n we don’t even know it!

Posted in m@dness

And she is getting married!

Remember this post?!! Good! If you dont, read it once again na!;) So it’s official. Div is getting married to Ashish. Well, another A. Yeah they all start with A! When we were in college we hardly talked about weddings and stuff. She was never the girly thing and now she is getting married in just over a month’s time! Damn! So that leaves just deeps n me. Div’s wedding is on the 5th of January 2013 and the celebrations begin a week before.

Div, Deeps and I have been friends best friends for nearly 9 years now. We have been the oldest best friends. We each know enough secrets about the other to be able to do successful blackmailing if we wanted.We can talk for hours together about any topic under the sun. From Books to the Dalai Lama…anything! We met during the first year of college. And studied for exactly three years together after that. Since then we have never stayed in the same city, forget the same college. Yet the friendship continues – first through handwritten mails and then through emails, instant messaging and telephoning. There are some people with whom you just stay connected without any conscious effort on your part. These are two people right there at the top of that list!

After I got on to the career path I have lost count of the number of friends whose weddings I have had to miss thanks to the stringent leave rules that exists. Ever since I knew about Div and Ashish’s relationship, I have always threatened Div to not get married in my absence.  For a while, it seemed that after all the effort, I would not be able to make it after all. But luckily things worked out and I am going to be there for the WHOLE ceremony.Yaaaay! There are quite a few close friends of mine who have become not so close ever since they got married. I have threatened  DIv with dire consequences including bodily injury if she starts the stand-offish act with me once she becomes a married woman. But knowing her, I somehow suspect that rather than her friends, it should be Ashish who should be concerned about being ignored!

But jokes apart. Div is a sweetheart. She has her priorities set right in life. She would never do anything to hurt anyone and is very naive. She acts tough but would become soft if she knew there is someone else that can be tough. She would do anything for her friends just to see them happy. Div, am so happy for you. I know this is the one for you. I knew Ashish was the one for you right when he gave you the choice, the respect and space. You both are meant to be. So Div stay the same…stay happy…stay blessed! And you, Ashish… all I can say is, “Brace yourself”!!!

Posted in close to heart

I wish you were around a little longer

A year ago, when my best friend died, I cried. I cried because it was too sudden, because I just couldn’t fathom him not being there and more importantly because I never thought death could happen to someone so close to me. It’s always like that right? We see everything around us but refuse to accept the fact that it could happen to us to0. When things happen to people around us, we thank god that it didn’t happen to us but all the while forgetting that it could happen to us next.

For awhile now I have been hearing  a lot of deaths and maybe because I have been exposed to death so closely that now I am no more scared. I have come to accept the fact that yes, death is universal and it happens to everyone and it could happen to anybody close to me  as well.

Today, when am going through one of the most darkest phases of my life, I miss him.A year ago I had convinced myself that he would come back, that he had just gone off to a far away location and will be back on a holiday and give me a surprise with the pair of jeans he had promised to get me. Today while at work, I said a goodbye in my mind to a person who I had valued more than life and it was then that it struck me that I was left with no shoulder to cry on. I was alone, as always. It dawned on me that neither of them were coming back. One had left for good and the other had chosen to live a life in which I had no role. After my dad and brother, it was these two men who I had sought refuge in and now I was left to live a life with just me to clarify doubts, me to make a decision and me to walk the lonely path.

You can shed tears that he is gone, 
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that he was gone.. and the world would never be the same..The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. He lived so much..He was so full of life, creating memories every second.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember him. I saw him motionless. Pale face, stiff body. I remember oh so clearly.

I wonder why it had to be him?! I guess its because he was so damn popular and maybe too many people envied him. Envied, not disliked. He knew I never was one of those strong people.. He knew me.. He was the one who mended me. And yet he gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to hold steadily

I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone. Two of your girls are married and I guess, the one girl you really wanted to be with still pines for you. God bless her. That family of yours, shattered. Nobody mentions you anymore other than your men, the girl and me.. some say they do remember you. But few remember you the way I do…few.

I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..You knew it.

Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work and exercise and do stuff all throughout the day so that I am not busy all the time, so that I dont have time to think. But I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…

But I want you to know that I always thought there were would be more days that i could spend with you. I kept asking and you kept thinking that you had time. But the truth is, we never have time and neither did I. There is never a good time to do anything. Its all crap what they say that things happen in their own time. Things happen when you make them happen or they don’t happen at all. The right time is always NOW.

I couldnt say goodbye to you, I will never be able to. You left and nobody filled that space. Nobody ever will. I will surely have friends but I will never find my best friend again. It was always you and it will always remain that way. These days I keep everyone happy. I make sure I never put anything for the next day. I do everything I can to make someones day coz I dont know if I’d ever get to do anything for them again. What if……

I wish you were here, Big B. I Miss you..every day. I really wish you are happy wherever you are. I wish I see you again in some life after. I hope you havent found new friends there to party with coz I havent found anyone here yet. I miss your hug, I miss our karaoke sessions, I miss our duets on the phone, I miss our drives, I miss doing your office reports, I miss not wishing you on your bday, I miss you climbing my gate, I miss your concern, your love, your security and everything we shared.

If you get a chance, please come back……

Posted in m@dness

The Chosen Ones

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day – those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

In tough times, I have realised who are my chosen ones and who are the ones that hang around only when the going is good and when things are happy happy. I have formed my gang who I know will be around no matter what because they have stood the test of time and made choices about who they want in life. They are just about a handful but I know they are enough or more than enough to get me through this life. Maybe I will meet new people on the way but I would never be able to trust again coz the scars that have been left behind  by a few are too deep to be forgotten.

Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.

Posted in m@dness

Like wise!

What goes thro my mind nowadays before pressing ‘like’ on a boys’s( who also happens to be a good friend) photo on Facebook.

My dad will know and will throw a sly smile the next time I see him(Yes he’s on facebook but doesnt ever come online. But he has subscribed to my profile!!!). My very extended family shall inform my dad that I should get married soon. That 4th std school mate with whom I’ve never really talked since, will judge me. One of em from my girl gang would give a quick call n say “Aye bitch !! Have you ever ever pressed like or commented on even a single pic of mine ?! ” A few super jobless friends would take the pain to calculate the time interval between him uploading the pic and me commenting on it and will infer ‘Jeez ! Is she like always online ?!’

The Facebook ticker – Lethal to privacy, Fatal to productivity ! 😛

Posted in m@dness

The Girl Gang

For the record: I was listening to “Tumhi ho bandhu” from cocktail and the lyrics really did inspire this  post.

I’m not “best friends” with too many people. And I’ve always thought there’s something about me that stops people I consider good friends from reciprocating the same emotion for me. I haven’t exactly been the confidante of many people, the girl who friends turn to for help. I really would like to be, have always wanted to be.However my girl gang would vouch for me and say that I have never ever hesitated in lending a helping hand or ear when they have called for help. It hurts to love a friend, seek her company and not have that emotion reciprocated. But that’s not going to stop me from counting the many friends I’ve shared good times with: girls whom I haven’t met in years and yet we can pick up the phone and talk to each other like we were together just yesterday. 

Div’s one of them. She’s a tough girl, seen tough times and come out a winner. In college, she was totally missable. But as a friend, she could read your mind almost like she was living inside it. Even before I knew what I wanted in life, she did! It was amazing how she predicted even whileI was in denial mode, that I would LIVE life not just survive She can see my follies and will ignore them when she can, but will be honest when she gets a chance, scold me, even badger me when the time’s right.

Speed’s my Alter Ego. I mean she is like this nemesis. I have always wanted to be like her. Live life in a very carefree and free spirited way. She takes on life as it comes and comes it victorious. She and I think at two extremes and can never get along together for more than an hour without arguing. She is the reason I am so bold now. She has always stood by me even if it has been years since I met her. Dilemma, Happiness, Anger or Love,I know she is just around the corner and just a call away from landing at my door.

And there’s Sinsin: so lovable, so adorable and so damn fiery.I could live with her forever. She and I have had this hate-love relationship. Mostly because of this on your face attitude. She has no hesitation in whacking me and telling me right from wrong even if means I’ll cry my heart out. But she also lets me be weird and wacko without a guilt! She knows my fears, my strengths and she knows what can make me smile with my heart. We have had bouts of shopping, baby sitting and just chatting. We can just laze around and yet have the time of our lives.The one person I would wake up to even if I was in a comma. She has stood by me and lost out on friends.We’ve come a long way and love splurging on each other even now.

There’ve been friends at work – Stella and Ume and after sparring and bitching, we bonded like best friends should. Times change, people move on, but with some people you never want things to change. And that’s how I feel for them – two very different people, very precious to me, girls I love to hang out with, girls I respect for who they are. They will laugh at my earing fetish and read my blog when they can but never leave a comment! We share little in common, except that something that you can’t put your finger on. Or maybe we can – our life experiences.

The office that I work in now has another M, Milan. She is this entity that has energy just bubbling all the time. She can make you laugh and make you think all at the same time. She is primarily the reason, I even feel like going to work everyday. In a lot of ways, I see a younger version of me in her. And her tongue,  mind it!! She has her own story but she will listen to you and make sure you feel good after that conversation. She smiles with her heart and we bond over love, love for life , food and god. 

And then there are my sisters –Chech, Su and Nanchi: my pillars of strength, people I love so, so, so, so, much I can overlook any wrong they do. The fact though is, that they’re overlooking all wrong I do, all the time. I’ve spent a huge chunk of my life just talking to them and I could spent a huge chunk of my future doing that, except that they’re now too busy with life in general. I know I can count on them any time, anywhere. We’re sisters, friends and more. And what I am is so much because of what they are. They’re my girls!

Anju, Anu, DJ, Gij, Tee and Tan: These are girls with whom I’m still forging relationships. They’re special but our friendship still has to face the test of time. And I know we’ll pass.

“The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends” ~ Gwyneth Paltrow

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Little Miss Popular

Is it possible to know someone for more than 10 years and not be friends, even. Or is it that I have a twisted meaning of friends. Or is there really some truth to the whole Popularity Index thing?Well, there was this boy in school that I knew, G. He was in my class alright, but we never spoke. I guess for 4 years we studied in the same class and set just benches apart from each other but had just didn’t bother to notice each other’s existence. Yes, he was busy gaping and wooing the beauties of my class while I was busy with my life(I really don’t want to mention what interested me then. SO lets jus excuse me for the time being!!). I changed schools after my 10th and it wasn’t till after my 12th that I came across him, again! Well, he hadn’t changed much coz he hardly noticed my presence in the room even when there wasn’t anyone around! Boys!!!Or is it just him? Bah!

Last night after I had chatted with him again, I couldn’t help but think if there really is a Popularity Index and if there is, where do I stand? And if that’s a relevant question for you, let me also ask: would you rather be popular than right? Because sometimes I see people losing the line that divides the two. They lose that distinction between real and fake because they are trying so hard to be popular.

And if truth be told, I’ve done it too: faked a smile, an expression of joy, a familiarity with people where none exists. But friendships? No, those cannot be faked, not by me.
But then, I’m not popular either, you see. And not half as desperate as some others to notch up a few brownie points on the popularity chart to actually fake a friendship. I just can’t do it!

It’s the art of social networking, I’m told, and the investment of time and energy apart from money of course, pays rich dividends. You throw parties for perfect strangers, lavish them with the best of alcohol served in the most expensive fashion, open your house to the scrutiny of those strangers, show off your outrageously priced furniture and what-have-you and indulge in some mundane conversations – just so that you can call those strangers friends.

It’s the desperation to be seen with the rich and the popular, to have your name on the invitation list of the high profile parties in town and hang out with “the gang”. Don’t mislead yourself to believe that any of that is friendship because friendship isn’t about enjoying meaningless conversations, or pandering to appearances. It isn’t not about toeing the popular line, or mouthing the ‘right’ words. It’s not about using someone’s contacts for your benefits or dropping names to show your clout. It’s not about popularity.

I don’t need to say this, but I want to. For me: friendship is about standing up for a person, about wishing him well, about treating him as more than fodder for gossip. It’s about being able to laugh at somebody’s face and not behind his back. It’s about knowing how you’re different from your friend and accepting him for who he is. Its about surprising him and doing something out of the way to see him happy, its looking at him or hear him speak and know exactly whats on  his mind. It occurs just a few times in life, hold on to them.

I may not be popular, but I hope I’ve been a friend.