Posted in close to heart

Love long. Live Longer.

When you are loved, it shows. It does.

It beams and shines bright with the delight of being wanted, of being admired and longed for.Image result for Love
It shows in that swing of your waist, when you are free. It manifests in the song that you hum around.It shows in the way you put your foot forward when you have nowhere in particular to go and everywhere to reach.
It shows in the spirit of your laughter, when you are happy from inside. The mirth that springs through mouth and twinkles through eyes.

It matters when you know you matter that you are loved by the one you love. The glow, the waist, the swing, the spirit, the laughter, the heart. It all becomes a part of one – the Universe, your Universe.

Oh and people who love long, live longer! After all, love is vast and elusive. Much like the Universe or the God. How else can you explain the greatness of human intellect and its incapacity to yet explain it.

Happy Valentines Day! My y’all love long and live longer!

 

Posted in m@dness

Just how would we know!?

Its raining here in DXB :). And you know my everlasting romance with it, so here I am in one of my introspective moods while watching it from the “place”.

 “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

This quote from Forrest Gump has always been the tagline of my life. People who take quick decisions always amaze me. Taking decisions have always been a huge task for me. From chosing a dress, deciding which restaurant to eat to all the major milestone decisions, theres’s always stress and time involved! I mean how will we know that the decisions that are taken (the ones that matter anyway) are the right ones?! What if your life changes with that one decision!

For example, deciding to move to a foreign land on a permanent visa after years of wondering whats it like to live outside the country one is born in (and quitting a perfectly stable, well-paying and permanent post) knowing that there is no job in waiting and knowing that years of experience will be thrown aside and career has to be started from scratch and nobody even remotely close to family or friends. How do we know if it is the right decision to actually live the dream?!

Or deciding to pursue something that’s nowhere in our scheme of life. Change our whole lives based on a hunch that plan A might just be better than plan B; how do we know that plan B is what we are supposed to be doing in the first place?!

Or get married. How do we know that this is the person we are supposed to spend the rest of our lives with? How do we know that we’ll have the same romance, beautiful and lasting beyond death, which our grandparents have? How do we know that it is not the biggest miscalculation that we ever made? Personally, I had a tough time at this one!

Or deciding whether to put down your paper at the office. With a job that isnt what they offered on paper and a salary that is way below what was told and with interview calls coming. How do you know if you should take a risk and just quit and attend interviews or hold on to this company and let go of opportunities!

Or how do we decide to leave behind family and friends when they need us the most, just because we think we can do more for them by leaving than staying and know that is what we are meant to do, rather than be with them?  How can we be sure that we are doing what God wants us to; what he has written for us??

I guess,the truth is, we CAN’T know. We just have to take a deep breath,  do it and get it over wit and more importantly, live with it afterward. If we are lucky and have been true to our conscience, the happiness comes. Otherwise, god help you!

Until then thank god for choices! Yes, I am sulking because of the options and decisions I have to take because of the choices but have you wondered what life would have been without those options or choices?!

P.S- The place happens to be my workstation! Don’t tell 🙂

Posted in m@dness

2014 Wishlist

I am going to not like this post because this would just prove how I dont stick to resolutions! So Ill just start with striking off the things I do and then no explain why I dint follow some most of the resolutions! The resolutions for 2013 were…..

  • Learn driving
  • Renovate Lotus(my house! So that I get a room that i can call mine. I still have a room but that was passed on to me from my brother and I have to move out to the lounge everytime he comes home!)
  • Continue to workout and lose weight( maybe aim @ 60 kg) I didnt reach 60 but at one time I touched 66!!!
  • Maintain an accounts book(this one is recycled)
  • Find a husband, if am entitled to that is!
  • Paint more
  • Go abroad! Even Bhutan/Nepal/SL would do. Or Maybe Malaysia 🙂 Doctor I, you listening ryt!
  • Get a new job- a more fun, thankful, challenging job.
  • Learn one new language( that should be challenging)
  • Be more optimistic and look for reasons to smile more. Ahem I hear that some people loveeee my smile.
  • Be more organised
  • Spend 10 minutes every single day for myself.
  • Have fun!
  • To do what I think is right and not what the society(Read : extended family, pesky friends, neighbors, unwell wishers etc)

So Yes thats last year’s resolutions! In short, I renovated (My das I mean) Lotus and I got a room for myself and I got married and I moved to a foreign country! Ok, Dufai is not foreign for Mallus , nevertheless I did travel abroad,, ryt! Summing up the entire year: The company I worked for gave me some credit and importance in January when I did a corporate/brand makeover for them, I met my now husband for the first time in February and we got engaged in March. I earned a bonus from my company which I spent in Dubai, when I went to meet my husband(at that time, fiance). I resigned in June and sat at home with some freelancing and things for three months. Got married in August and celebrated my 27th Bday with Ro in September, here in Dubai. Started Job hunting in September and got a job in December 🙂

We humans gotta learn from experience mistakes. I sure do! So this year I am not going to make any resolution and am just going to make a wishlist :). Its a lot less complicated. There’s no pressure to perform before this year ends and because its a “wish”list, it’ll be something that I am wishing for, that shouldnt be hard no?! So…

TADA!!!!!! Here’s The Mad Wishlist for 2014

  • Drive my husband around town 🙂
  • Take a vacation! Just us!
  • Surprise Ro and see him give me that smile from the heart.
  • Save Money and Invest intelligently
  • Wake up everyday and not be sulky of having to go to work
  • Attend Mons and Su’s and Deeps wedding!!!!
  • Make the lives of those that I matter to, a little more brighter!
  • Learn to bake 🙂
  • Maintain a healthy lifestyle( AM not too sure what I mean here)
  • Read much more books than last year.
  • One Good Deed A Day

And thats it folks! I am done for the year. I cant take a break and all that because I am at work and people in this part of the world arent much into celebrating New Year the way I am used to. So before I let you go, three more things.

1. I hope you have a really amazing year. I hope you are at peace throughtout the year. You dont have to be happy all theough the year but I sure hope god gives you the strength the fight the sad time. Love, peace and joy are my wishes to you this year. Happy 2014 🙂

2. Nothing is ever going to be complete till you make sure that you are truly blessed from the heaven above.  I for one need a little tug and a push here n there. Sooooo

Dear Lord, please give me… A few friends who understand me and remain my friends; A work  which has real value and which would help me contribute something to the world I live in; A mind unafraid to travel through the journey of life , An understanding heart; A sense of humor; Time for saying thank you;A feeling of your presence  and the patience to wait for the coming of these things, With the wisdom to recognize them when they come. Happy New Year to you too 🙂Amen.

3. Thank you dear god for all the things you gave me and helped me with. Thank you for showing me the man who makes my life beautiful every single day.. Thank you for giving Das the strength! Thank you for keeping my friends happy an at peace. Thank you for blessing Sin, Div and Joey 🙂 Thank you for letting me catch up with speed. Thank you for making me realise that every setback in life is reason enough to believe that something good is on its way. And above all thank you for letting my 2013 be a year I’d love to go back to.

Posted in close to heart

Always daddy’s little girl

I was going to post this on December 15th , when my Das turned 70. Ahem, mind you, he is just 70 by age. He is as fit as 40 and as young as 30 in his mind. Daddy dearest, this one is for you. I want you to know that, you are my number one and will always be my number one.

Humble and soft-spoken.With the mannerisms of a gentleman, jet black eyes, thinning hair, grey beard and moustache and a smiling face, he’s a statuesque man exuberating charm, grace and humility. A man of principles, a man who walks with his head held high and walks in a manner that commands respect. A man with a big warm heart and an open mind, who isn’t bound by shackles of tradition or social norms. A man who’d miss a cricket tournament to sith and watch a re re re run of F.R.I.E.N.D.S with his daughter. A man who compromised his whole life to make hers better and brighter.A man who made sure there would be no fingers raised to question his daughter’s upbringing. A man who made sure she attended every singing competetion in the state and a man who during her innumerable performances clapped the loudest. A man who made silly faces when presented  cards with  scrawny handwriting that said “To the bestest, daddy dearest”. A man who’d see the child wrap presents for Father’s Day and still act surprised when she gives him the gift next day.The man who’d carry the school bag till the busstop and wait till she gets on the bus. A man adamant on not buying a new shoe however obsolete and frayed the old one became. A man who never said no to a new dress or accessory no matter how extravagant and unnecessary. A man who’d ignore his urge to buy new clothes or shoes so that his princess can get that gadget she was craving for. A man who’ll perform random deeds of kindness and laugh his way through bad times. Who’ll smother her with a bear hug after she has confessed to a petty crime. The dad who will keep the door to his room open after they’ve watched a horror movie so that she can walk in anytime.

The dad, my dad, my brother’s first super hero and my first love.  He’s the life of every group. The man in the center of a crowd. Entertaining everyone with witty jokes. Loved by kids and adults alike. Agony Uncle to God father to Secret Santa to Amazing human being to cool granduncle to doting dad to sincerest husband.

I’m truly and utterly thankful for every time that he forgave me, for every word of advice, for every smile that touched my eyes,for every sacrifice. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for making me believe without a doubt that unconditional love does exist. My Das is the Bestest Dad in the whole world!

I LOVE YOU THIIIIIIISS MUCH DAS ! 

Posted in m@dness

I chose to forgive

Disclaimer- People will think I am an arrogant b*$#h when they read this, but you should know that I saw that old but famous Avenger Ad and this post has kinda sprung from there :). Now you may read in peace without being too judgmental.

I forgive my well-wishers who in the process of making me feel nice, seems to be doing just the opposite.

I forgive my teachers. For thinking I was “wrong”, because I wasn’t what they wanted me to be.

I forgive the institutions( school. colleges). For the loss of time I didn’t deserve.

I forgive my family. For not listening to me when I wanted them to.

I forgive those who hurt me. For the tears I cried and for the pain they made me go through.

I forgive the once friends. For not sticking around long enough.

I forgive the forgotten crush infatuation love period. For teaching me about life.

I forgive my past. Only because my present is looking good.

I forgive them all. Because … I am God.

Ofcourse I am not god! Not even Bruce Almighty! But I am me:) Sooo great news. I have arrived, finally. Or I seem to have finally realised that I have arrived! I just got a call from a really great company- they offered me a profile I think would have  let me have a lot of fun, but Yes, I chose to not take it. I chose to just spend time with family for the next two months.  I CHOSE to stick with learning psychology inspite of knowing that I would not be honoured among the gang of doctors and engineers. I CHOSE to give up an cushiony  MNC  job to do something I didnt want to. I CHOSE to not do my MBA in a lame B school because I had had enough mediocrity in my life. And I CHOSE to give up yet another cushiony job to get married and be with my husband. I CHOSE to be jobless iwhen the world was full of opportunities. I CHOSE  to live my dreams. I CHOSE to hope. I CHOSE not to have maverick plans and follow them. I chose to not have a concept of a career, but just fun jobs that pay me well. I made the choices. I have made more mistakes than not, cried and gotten angry. I have never regretted decisions. I have forgiven and forgotten.   I chose this life. And I am proud.

This is me. 🙂

Khwabon ki dehleezein, kadmo ko aab mere, hai chumati Aahhhaaaaaa
Pehle tha mein peeche Yeh duniya aab peeche hai ghumathi Aaahhhaaaaa
Main kya hoon Main kya yeh batlau
Main woh hun Jo chahun woh pau
Main khud se hi vaade nibhaun
Main woh hun Jo chahun woh pau-

                      Main Kya Hoon, Artiste – KK, Album – Love Aaj Kal

Posted in m@dness

To learn or not, that is the question

I had a super packed weekend. 2 weddings and one movie and visit to the hospital and lotsa running around. it feels like there was no weekend and the week is just going on n on without a break. Yesterday, a casual conversation sparked a thought off. Everyone around me wants to learn something. I will be honest with you, I have never really wanted to learn anything. I am not kidding! I studied what I studied because I first thought it sounded cool, and then I wasn’t allowed to quit. I could probably tell you things I have wanted to study – all “at that moment” sort of things. Journalism after watching Burkha Dutt (in her better days) on TV for an hour, Interior Designer ( After I was amazed at the work of an interior designer), Mass Communcation because someone said I was good at communication and finally Physiotherapist because my family said I had a healing touch!!! Then I realised I never really cared and thats how I became a Psychology Graduate.

I have had my moments – singing, photography, dancing and French even(I daydream about being able to sing in front of a bunch of people and getting a standing ovation. That is exactly what it is – a daydream. After 10 plus years of learning carnatic music, I made a debut on stage when I was in my teens and the  orchestra went horribly wrong and my confidence of singing hit rock bottom. To this day, I dont sing in front of people. I learnt photography for awhile from a very well known personality. He said if I like photography I’ll learn things myself! I took that as an excuse and started taking photos by myself without learning the basics. I learnt dance for 4 years and quit because the teacher threw a stick at me! French is a post for another day! You can say that I don’t have the discipline to learn anything. I can try to sound cool by saying that the theoretical first few days of learning something bore me enough to quit, and it might just be true. No wonder my college years were such a torture initially. Because of my complete, unapologetic inability to sustain the first few days of learning. But then again, what does education have to do with learning? (And that I really mean.)

There are things I want to learn. I am not sure if one can. Like shopping well. I shop. Not too expensive, nothing extraordinarily cheap. Most of my clothes are quite nice too. But they are all the same. Similar colours, similar patters. Cotton and denim. That is it. And I won’t count the clothes bought for occasions, because they are all packed to perfection exactly one week after the wedding. There is hardly any variety in my wardrobe. I wish I could go on a shopping spree and find 5 pieces of clothing, all completely different from each other and unlike the ones I already own. Even if I buy a new top, it will look like one of the older ones. I don’t know how I always end up doing this! How can I unlearn this?

My patterns of love, hate, and indifference are extremely erratic. If I am let down by someone I REALLY care about, I just turn away. Indifferent. But it is the non entities I lose sleep over. I just need to know they are alive. That is enough to irritate me. Turn me into a bitter person. Irrespective of whether that person is around or not. And there is a chance that these people neither betrayed me nor personally did me any harm. What the hell! Another thing that I need to unlearn, and learn the opposite of. Only I don’t know what the opposite is.

I want to learn how to really read something that is important but uninteresting. Rent agreements, bank letters, taught me how to put history lessons in perspective back in school. As you grow up, you realise that a lot of your presenforms. I can never read anything important. Important to everyday existence that is. Except the newspaper maybe. Page 3 or supplements 😉

Of late I have wanted to learn driving. I mean I have always wanted to learn it but nothing has ever given me that push or urge to actually learn driving. But the other day I saw a foreign lady drive around a huge mean machine( Read; Fortuner) and I was gaping at it long after she was gone. I realised that  I just gotta learn it (It is a strange feeling to have foreigner excite me about learning to drive a car). And then,  I am going to learn to swim to just to help Ro get rid of his fear of water bodies. And then there are so so so  many things I want to learn! Maybe ten years later, I’ll blog on how many things I actually learnt after today. What say?!

So that is that. Do you know who can teach me all those things? Is learning always a result of teaching? I know the converse is not always true!

Posted in close to heart

I am back, for good.

I know I have been doing disappearing acts quite frequently from the beginning of this year but yeah, i am back. And I am back to being “jumpy in a nice sort of way” from “jumpy in a horrible sort of way”! You, as regular readers would know I have had two horrible years in a row and to be honest I was expecting this year to be horrible too. But, no(touch wood, now!!!!!! and only then continue reading). I am glad things are working out to be great(Touch wood again.)My head has been full of thoughts. All that I am going to write in this post would been written on separate days and in separate posts if I were around the last few weeks. But fortunately I was learning to keep my thoughts to myself. At least until it’s OK to spill them out. If you ask me, that indeed is a big thing for me to learn, if you knew me and my verbal diarrhea!

After very long phases of desperate fighting and proving and longing, I think I just about managed to reach a point in life where I had no complaints. But along with it has come a lot of cockiness. My edges have been smoothed out in the last few days, and for that I am thankful. I might just be a little more patient from now on. And a lot less cocky. But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop ranting about morons. I will just be more patient with them. But if someone gets on my wrong side, I will still wish hell upon them.  I have a lot to learn.

I think I have become so used to not bein happy that I am worried when I am happy. And I am so damn happy. Happy in a way that is scary. I smile a lot now. I sing most of the time. I laugh with people. I help random people. I am happy!The worst kind of anxiety is when your troubles show signs of ending. I am scared of this feeling of being on top of the world(which I, as a matter of fact was on top of at exactly this time last week. In the real sense.)Haa so I cant believe I can actually be so happy. Its like a new world for me and the best part is that life hasnt even started with Ro and I am actually already this happy! I believe in god now. I believe that when people say things dont work out because there is something much much better out there, it really is true!

I admire people who have the kind of faith in themselves that they can let go of clinging on to someone so “intangible” – God. For me faith was that last and final thing that brings me hope just when I am on the verge of losing it completely. Ro is spiritual and not religious and that I am glad. I have never been religious. But faith and deriving strength from it is a different matter – I am glad I have it now! i thank god every single day for giving me what I deserve. Yes, I cried to god for all sorts of things , fought with him because he didnt give me what I asked for and questioned him as to why he was making me go through so much and then finally I prayed to him and told him this,” Dear lord, I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made in my life. I promise not to repeat anything ever. I will forgive all those who have hurt me and will wish them well and pray for them all my life. I want you to forgive me as well. I want you to  make sure that you leave me with no options other than what  you want me to do and above all no matter what I want in life, I want you to give me what you have in store for me. That is my prayer to you.Today and everyday.” And this prayer gave me the strength to change my life and it has made me a much better person. I have found a man who loves me unconditionally and I am irrevocably in love with him too. And that I think is my true blessing from the skies above.

Friends. WHat would one do without them? I have a lot of friends but only a few have managed to form a lasting bond. Div and Deeps are my sisters in arms. The ones that I turn to when I need tht push. Joeey I wonder how miserable life would have been if you hadnt come back into my life at a time I needed someone the most. Bless you, girl. Mangu, my soulmate! Sin, the one that plans to stay behind the scenes for the rest of my life, Ol woman, there is no problem that I have that cannot find an answer when shared with you, I cant wait to get to you in September. Psycho, Captain you guys definitely make my world a better place to live in and last but not the least, my family. Thanks for accepting me with everything that I am.

Ro, a mention on a post is not enough to explain what you mean to me.So I shall not speak now. For now, remember that you are right at the centre of my world and you fill me with a love I have never ever known. During my times of struggle – major and minor – I have been told two things – “keep the faith” and “don’t forget to see the humour”. In the last few weeks of desperate anxiety and uncertainty, I tried my best to do both (see how grown up and all I sound? :P). I can’t go into the details here, but all I am saying is that Ro and I have overcome our first struggle as adults and as a couple. And no, we were not fighting. Not this time 😉 And we have come out of all this stronger. Happier. More drunk on life. And I think more in love too.Thank you for loving me.

For now, there is work to do before I take a break, people to thank, songs to sing, prayers to say and a lot of love to give. I will see you around!