Posted in close to heart

Not(e) in the mood- 19

Turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing… sometimes you have to make a big mistake, to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful… but they’re the only way to find out who you really are and to know who values you enough to forgive you. I know who I am now. I know what I want. I’ve got the love of my life and a life that I’ve always wanted and I now know who are the true friends and who are the ones who just use you to get their job done.

In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, there’s really only one thing you can say…I am sorry. Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled. Old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.

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Posted in m@dness

Run through the rain!

Well, I was at the Avial Concert last evening and just as the crowd and the band were getting on to full swing, it began to rain. Not just rain, pour.  Since this was unexpected, the crowd went berserk and it turned into utter chaos. But,amidst all this chaos, I found the time and space to enjoy the rain in all its glory. You would know that I am fascinated with rain, if you are regular readers.So while I was  getting soaked n thinking about how much my life has changed since it last rained, I suddenly remembered an old mail a friend had sent and I knew I had to post that here.

“A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in a supermarket. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. All stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart. Everybody waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in:

“Mom, let’s run through the rain,” she said. “What?” Mom asked. “Let ‘s run through the rain!” She repeated. “No, honey. We’ll wait until it slows down a bit,” Mom replied. This young child waited about another minute and repeated: “Mom, let’s run through the rain,” “We’ll get soaked if we do,” Mom said. “No, we won’t, Mom. That’s not what you said this morning,” the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm. “This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?” said Mom. “Don’t you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ‘If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!”

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn’t hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child’s’ life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

“Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If GOD let’s us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,” Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But….. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories…So, don’t forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.”

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Last night when I got drenched in the rain inspite of having a vehicle and a shelter, I realised  a lot of things. My life is changing every day but somewhere I seem to have lost the ability to enjoy the things that I used to. I seem to have excuses for not doing things I was supposed to and seem to have less time for people I genuinely love. When the rain washed away all my thoughts yesterday, I smiled like a little girl who was just given a large ice cream to finish! I promised myself that I’d make time to do things and take time to spend with people who really need me in their life. I promised myself that I’d take the time to make more memories.  I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Take the time to live…and don’t forget to run in the rain!

Posted in m@dness

Dear God!

I think this week is about introspection and interrogation. I seem to be on a questioning spree this week. So while I prayed yesterday, my mind was wandering and I was thinking of letters. That’s when I thought of writing to the almighty! So…….

Dear God,

I am honoured to write this to you! I am not sure if this will be delivered or bounced but I am glad that I am writing anyway. I hope its not too cold up there( I get really cold when I am on the aeroplane so I figured it must be really cold on top). I also wanted to know if you could like change the image people have of you into maybe you wearing jeans and t-shirt and sitting on a harley or something. So eveytime I have talked to you its a one sided conversation so I know this one is going to be the same. Now, this time I have questions for you and I know you cant really come down and answer but you can always send someone on your behalf to answer these questions and I shall be happy to listen! Almost everything i want to ask you revolves around one word god, n that word is “WHY”.

WHY do u make people fall in love when u know darn well its “not to be”?

WHY do u get feelings involved whn u know they wont be reciprocated??

WHY do u give people hope that everything will be fine when actually nothing turns out that way?

WHY does some people get everything they want and why does some people get things they do not deserve at all?

WHY cant u make everyone get they want as long as it does not harm any other being?

WHY couldnt you make a few humans (men) as adorable and dedicated and loving as dogs?

WHY are babies dying 10 seconds after they are born?

WHY are people born with handicaps n deformities with no fault of their own??

WHY did you let man invent money?

WHY do you make diseases that cannot be cured. Obviously you have a cure! Then why dont you tell us or help us find what it is?

WHY did you create geography and religion?

WHY cant you take out terrorism? Arent you jeopardizing your own career by creating more and more followers of terrorism? Isnt it a SATAN thing?

WHY do you let people do their own thing when you know they are doing wrong?

WHY do you lead us into temptation every single day?!?!?! (Yes, even that ugly glance at the local pastry shop counts as a temptation you know)

WHY cant you make everyone beautiful and thin?

I know that in spite of these “why’s”, we still say that “life is beautiful” n the credit goes to none else but you..so HATS OFF…! You  aren’t just the one who hasn’t put obstacles but also given us the strength to move on. Maybe these trials we have to go through makes life interesting or Maybe its the heartbreaks we encounter that teach us to make the right choices and Maybe its the troubles which teach us to take life with a smile and above all maybe its these things that together make us better individuals and eventually make us closer to you but yet..god ..i wish u would resort to better ways to make us stronger ,cos not everyone has a threshold which can be gauged.

So on that note I remain.

Yours always (cribbing, fuming, ranting ,demanding,assuming),

M@ds

If you thought that my letter was weird, read the cute ones!!

Posted in m@dness

To stay happy

Its Tuesday…yet another Tuesday in the life of mad!
mad loves Tuesdays…know why…cos it’s Tuesday!!! Actually I love every other day of the week except Sunday. Yes, I hate sundays because its followed by Monday!  I have always had that issue with Sundays. While I was in school, i used to detest it because we had a maths test on Mondays coz of which I had to sit n study on Sundays(or so I’d like to believe even though I never studied on Sundays . In college, I hated Sundays coz the next day being a Monday  I had to leave home on Sunday evening so that I could get to college on time on Monday! While at work, I used to dread Sundays because Monday used to keep hovering over my head. It was either Monday morning blues or the dreaded Monday meetings we used to have.

The most miserable thing in life is when u know that there’s something u don like awaiting u after something you enjoy! That’s the thing about weekends, the dreaded arrival of a hectic , busy, tiring week ahead clouds the fun mood of a beautiful “Sunday”.

Somehow i can never “enjoy the moment” cos i keep thinking of what lies ahead. All my friends tell me that its a very crappy attitude I’ve got towards life and that i should learn to enjoy the ride instead of sitting and counting the potholes! But *sigh*, its of no use. I’ve tried but just cant get the “potholes” outta my mind and that spoils the essence of the ride as well.

Wonder what god had in mind while making me.Why did he make me a “thinker”??(whatever that means to you, to me it means *a person who thinks too much* especially when there’s no need to) Another thing im famous for is “assuming”. My closest friends say that i cant bear to stay happy for long . Well this isn’t true!!I mean not exactly. Which person in the right mind wouldn’t want to stay happy??.)But everytime there’s a reason to be happy, i start doubting it and begin to wonder if i should really be happy about it. My stupid little brain starts assuming things, conjuring up imaginary assumptions on how there could actually be a negative associated with it, how it cud actually be “it doesn’t mean anything then what the f**k are you getting so thrilled about” situation.

BUT am trying to change for the better! Like I told you yday, the month being nice n spiritual, even though I couldn’t be happy and thankful the year through,  I’d like to give it a try anyway! So…come on help me out here, will ya!

I shall leave you with this:

Monday’s child is fair of face,
Tuesday’s child is full of grace,
Wednesday’s child is full of woe,
Thursday’s child has far to go.
Friday’s child is loving and giving,
Saturday’s child works hard for a living,
But the child born on the Sabbath Day,
Is fair and wise and good and gay. “

I know I loved this rhyme when  I was in school!

Another struggling attempt to stay happy……

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Love, Imagined

Disclaimer: Do not misinterpret whats written. Ppl who know my identity, do not call me, text me or ping me! It is imagined, or so I’d like or believe. So love live with it.

 

So today let’s go into the boundless realms of the imagination…actually, let’s imagine something quite mundane. So, suppose I’m a guy. And I’m in love. Hmm..mundane enough? Sure. There are lots of guys, many of them are in love, and many more are thoroughly convinced that they love. And I’m one of them, for now. And who is it that provokes emotions in the region encased by my ribcage? Well, a woman (coz this is a mundane imagining) who sets my soul on fire, brings light into my otherwise illumination-deprived life etc. So far so good. Ok, now let’s tweak the story a little bit.

 

Suppose she doesn’t love me. She also quite candidly admits to this little fact. So there’s no devilish subterfuge etc. Its all out in the open and I think, “Atleast she’s honest”, and I love her a little bit more. After all, it is my prerogative as to whether i keep bestowing my emotions on her. So what’s the point of all this pap, you ask. Hold on, the tweaking process is still on.

 

Now this woman sees nothing wrong in making me the on/off centre of her life, depending on the availability of substitutes!EEEEEE yup so what this entails is that I have to always be there for her in whichever manner she fancies her need to be.It could be in the form of a getting her a job, to lending money, to doing odd jobs, to teaching her to cook etc. I listen, I advise, I help, I act as her sounding board, I become her public relations officer, and I love and I love, love and love some more. In the process, I occupy various positions in her life: consultant, travel advisor, chef, odd jobs man, dustbin, pen paper and all other manner of stuff. Its still all ok, coz my love makes me want to give of myself, whatever I can, to her. I don’t stoop to think of whether she will ever consent to being a dustbin if I happen to need one. Love doesn’t lend itself easily to such selfish speculations. (Deep Sigh)

But one day, she makes dramatic statements to mutual friends about how I became her friend out of sympathy and how I am just another guy(like the zillion others) that follows her and that I am the guy who she can get all her job done etc. And with that she stops needing me coz the aforementioned substitutes make their presence felt. It hurts a little bit, and then a bit more. I think to myself that maybe its a good thing, maybe now I’ll have time for my life. The week after that, she decides that she can’t do without me, although she still is very clear about not loving me. I happily go back to playing a multidimensional helix of roles on her life. But this in-out process then starts happening regularly, like a joke that’s so hilarious that God keeps repeating it periodically coz it just never gets old.

 

Then my other friends start telling me that I should move on, that she’s using me etc. And I do see the point of it all, but how do I move on when i know how devastated she’ll be when she finds out? Somewhere in the back of mind is the niggling thought that maybe she won’t be so devastated, but I brush it aside, and i agonize everyday, a little bit more. So in this imagining, which may not be entirely fictitious, my central problem is why nice people like me invariably end up loving not-so nice people with few compunctions like her, when there are so many nice, perfectly lovable, caring people in this world. Why don’t I stop being there for her, even though, clearly, she’s the user and I’m the loser here? Why must I be such a fool for that brat? Why must I love the wretch who makes me so wretched? The answer, of course, is that I cannot blame stupidity or a lack of sense which is typical of humanity. The problem is that day after day, breath after endless breath, I make a choice: the choice to be stupid, to give myself to one who doesn’t deserve me by a long shot. And will I stop, you ask? What are you, stupid or something?

 

Sooo once again, I ramble. Lost…Or simply being me.

Will I ever learn?!?!?!God, help me!

Oh and I was just imagining, by the way.

Posted in m@dness

Agnostically yours

Maybe it’s my lack of life experience. Lack of knowledge of events, or of people. Whatever be the reason, it has led to my belief, or disbelief in certain pertinent issues.

For one, I don’t believe in Religion. My father and many elders I know, believe this is one of those phases. I’m at an age where it is my solemn duty to question, and then, disregard all known established practices and beliefs. But, in actuality, that’s not the case. I’m old enough to know better than to be blindly caught up in the whirlwind of rebellion.

This what I believe. Spirituality, faith, luck, destiny- they’re all symbolic of one thing. Our collective sense of being powerless.Our helplessness to face what life throws our way. All of the aforementioned, only attempt at making somewhat coherent sense of the randomness of the shocks and curve-balls that find our way. Faith in a higher power, who makes everything okay, and gives the happy ending to every story, gives (some of) us the ability to hang on, beat life at its own game or at least play at par. Because as humans, we are just not attuned to expect the unexpected. Our worries add up to more worries, insecurities multiply into a dozen more, and when times are rough, such blind faith in someone who can make all our sadness disappear is an easy way out. Most important of all, it gives us hope. Now, hope is something I believe in. And I don’t need to believe in some religious book to have that strong belief that the outcome of all my actions, or even actions beyond my control, will be good.

But, pragmatist that I am, I’m going to toe the line and say I’m an agnostic. Coz if God really does exist, and he reads this blog post , then I really wouldn’t want to burn in hell!

Posted in m@dness

O god, Please tell me!

Disclaimer; Now just because I have been writing a post too many on praying and stuff does  NOT make me OLD!I am just getting more and more in touch with my spiritual self!
When we pray, what do we pray for? Do we ask God to give us everything or do we ask Him to give us what we badly require? Do we just irritate Him all the time with our never-ending problems, or we just wait, watch and see what He has in store for us? Me, I have started telling him to take away everything else thats not meant to be mine and leave me ONLY with whats meant to be mine! At times I interrogate myself in between prayers. “Should I ask Him to solve this and this problem for me?” “Maybe I shouldn’t ask too much. I sound too demanding!“. Some might say that you have to ask everything openly — demand your rights; get your word out there and stuff. That if you don’t voice what you want, how will He know?
I remember as a kid, I used to ask God to assist me first-hand whenever I was at a crossroad. Before flipping a coin I used to ask Him – “Ok now… Heads is what I want, so tell me if I will get what I want okay?”. Secretly I try to bribe Him – “If you make the coin show Heads up first, I will come and see you at the temple today!”. He didn’t somehow like the bribing and I always happened to see the opposite side of the coin. Then I go – “Damn. God is too busy processing other coin flipping matches now. Maybe I should try later’. Then I keep flipping the coin till I get “what I want” after which yours truly is a very happy lady. (Now I am beginning to understand that it was a sign. He was telling me, try try try till you actually get what you want!!!)This is basically how I used to pray back then – with bribes and by using tools to get indirect answers from the almighty. I mean He can’t really scream out from heaven in response to my questions (that’s so ungodly like no?), so I might as help Him out by giving some medium through which He can answer. “O god please tell me” , coin flipping, paper chits, dice — all of these were used to “get an answer”. Sometimes I get tempted to try all that again. But considering my success rate with the same, I rather not. I think God has already given His answer when it comes to using such techniques. See, even He doesn’t like dirty politics !
Some preach that no matter how much you pray you will only end up with what He thinks is right for you. And I’m a believer of this. Because of this belief, I have always restricted myself from placing too many demands while praying or getting too upset when something doesn’t go the way I want it to. However, these days I have pressure from a lot of things and people. I cant figure out what or where my life is headed to. Right now, I cannot even toss coins and take chits coz I really have no choice exactly. I can only pray that things tune themselves and that I be able to find some kind of clarity to my life soon!
I just came across this prayer by Rabindranath Tagore and I feel it befits a person who thinks the same way I do — a person who never demands anything in particular, but just strength to deal with everyday problems.

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.

Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield,
but to my own strength.

Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but hope for the patience to win my freedom.

Grant that I may not be a coward,
feeling Your mercy in my success alone;

But let me find the grasp of Your hand in my failure.”

Eat, Pray, Love, people… and stay happy, always!
And if prayer doesn’t help… Have a chocolate!!!