Posted in m@dness

Arrogant Display of Insensitivity

I cannot change the world and its ways. I have accepted that. But I sure can speak my mind and hope that someone who reads this post will change the way they think and act. So. I lost my mother at a young age. Very very young age. To this day, I remember one of my family members screaming and wailing in front of the body as to how she would have been alive if she hadn’t given birth to me! Yes I remember the person, the wails and it all. It haunts me everytime I see or hear about young children who lose one or both their parents while they are young. So imagine my frustration when I hear and see that a person I used to know died giving birth. I had to fight back the tears and nostalgia. I still am.

Our society in particular are very cruel to the survivors. By survivors I mean the family who is left behind by a dead person. Not only do they not give support, they tend to pick and dig into the matter in a sort of schadenfreude pleasure. To overcome the grief takes time, years, sometimes forever. Nobody understands the effect such events have on children. I don’t need to imagine that because I know.

We, the human race is supposed to be a very advance species. However I am beginning to think that the more advance we get, the less emotional and empathetic we are becoming. Selfies are the best example I can think of. An occasional selfie when you are wearing a brand new, great looking outfit is fine. Hanging out with friends, post a selfie. had a fan moment, be my guest. Date night with the love of your life, go on, take a selfie by all means. However, lately I have been  noticing the line disappearing. The line that clearly defines when the selfie must stop. On Fb, the other day, a friend posted a picture of his grandmother’s funeral. A selfie of him and the grandmother’s body in a coffin. Just when I thought I had seen it all, this morning another friend posted a picture of a newborn with her dead mother! For me, personally, I lost it. The real me wanted to scream at the friend and shake her and bring her to her senses but the socially responsible-well behaved lady in me just asked her politely as to why she would post a heartbreaking picture on a social platform. That’s that.

Why would or why have people turned to be so insensitive? This definitely psychopathic behavior leads me to believe that maybe the experts are right after all.Selfies tend to attract a type of person already more likely to push the boundaries of normal behavior,the so-called Dark Triad of personality traits – narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy – are likely to pursue selfie glory regardless of who or what gets hurt in the process. While in the earlier days,photography was just to keep  old memories alive,today photography has grown far more than that. In the last 190 years, which is when the first photo was take , photography has grown to a  level where most people use it to prove something!

It all comes down to one main thing: self-indulgence. One becomes self-centred once they get habituated to taking pictures of just about everything, that they start ignoring the conditions around them, and even the feelings of the people in the vicinity.There is nothing wrong with taking pictures of yourself or of things, but lets not forget that it doesn’t have to be a part of our daily routine. It is more important to live in the moment than to worry about your looks and lighting. A confident person doesn’t rely on the popularity of a picture but rather the popularity of their personality. It is not only insensitive, but also kind of stupid to take pictures while people around you are in trouble or are grieving. You would be looked upon as a selfish person despite your good intentions. So next time you pick up your phone or camera for to take a picture, look around to make sure you are not offending anyone.fb_img_1433099907089-724420

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Posted in close to heart

Not(e) in the mood-4

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty and to make yourself comfortable. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.Denial.Anger.Bargaining.Depression. Acceptance.

 

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn in the blink of an eye.

 

That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.

Posted in close to heart

I wish you were around a little longer

A year ago, when my best friend died, I cried. I cried because it was too sudden, because I just couldn’t fathom him not being there and more importantly because I never thought death could happen to someone so close to me. It’s always like that right? We see everything around us but refuse to accept the fact that it could happen to us to0. When things happen to people around us, we thank god that it didn’t happen to us but all the while forgetting that it could happen to us next.

For awhile now I have been hearing  a lot of deaths and maybe because I have been exposed to death so closely that now I am no more scared. I have come to accept the fact that yes, death is universal and it happens to everyone and it could happen to anybody close to me  as well.

Today, when am going through one of the most darkest phases of my life, I miss him.A year ago I had convinced myself that he would come back, that he had just gone off to a far away location and will be back on a holiday and give me a surprise with the pair of jeans he had promised to get me. Today while at work, I said a goodbye in my mind to a person who I had valued more than life and it was then that it struck me that I was left with no shoulder to cry on. I was alone, as always. It dawned on me that neither of them were coming back. One had left for good and the other had chosen to live a life in which I had no role. After my dad and brother, it was these two men who I had sought refuge in and now I was left to live a life with just me to clarify doubts, me to make a decision and me to walk the lonely path.

You can shed tears that he is gone, 
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that he was gone.. and the world would never be the same..The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. He lived so much..He was so full of life, creating memories every second.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember him. I saw him motionless. Pale face, stiff body. I remember oh so clearly.

I wonder why it had to be him?! I guess its because he was so damn popular and maybe too many people envied him. Envied, not disliked. He knew I never was one of those strong people.. He knew me.. He was the one who mended me. And yet he gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to hold steadily

I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone. Two of your girls are married and I guess, the one girl you really wanted to be with still pines for you. God bless her. That family of yours, shattered. Nobody mentions you anymore other than your men, the girl and me.. some say they do remember you. But few remember you the way I do…few.

I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..You knew it.

Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work and exercise and do stuff all throughout the day so that I am not busy all the time, so that I dont have time to think. But I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…

But I want you to know that I always thought there were would be more days that i could spend with you. I kept asking and you kept thinking that you had time. But the truth is, we never have time and neither did I. There is never a good time to do anything. Its all crap what they say that things happen in their own time. Things happen when you make them happen or they don’t happen at all. The right time is always NOW.

I couldnt say goodbye to you, I will never be able to. You left and nobody filled that space. Nobody ever will. I will surely have friends but I will never find my best friend again. It was always you and it will always remain that way. These days I keep everyone happy. I make sure I never put anything for the next day. I do everything I can to make someones day coz I dont know if I’d ever get to do anything for them again. What if……

I wish you were here, Big B. I Miss you..every day. I really wish you are happy wherever you are. I wish I see you again in some life after. I hope you havent found new friends there to party with coz I havent found anyone here yet. I miss your hug, I miss our karaoke sessions, I miss our duets on the phone, I miss our drives, I miss doing your office reports, I miss not wishing you on your bday, I miss you climbing my gate, I miss your concern, your love, your security and everything we shared.

If you get a chance, please come back……

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

I miss you

Everyone has a special friend. One friend who is enough to make up for all the countless back stabbers, the no good friends, the heartbreaking boyfriends and the sibling whose love is conditional. I was lucky too.

We weren’t the neighbours turned into friends type. I dont even remember noticing him till I came to 4th std. We were in different classes(thankfully) but because we stayed in the same area, we traveled by the same bus( which we gave up to get the cheap thrill of travelling in line buses and availing SC’s).  We were part of the same gang and somehow noticed each other just enough to enquire about each other’s absence. Somewhere in probably 5th standard we got talking and became friends. By the next year, we  began to talk  on the phone atleast 5 times after school every day and by the time we got to 7th standard, I was his sister/counselor/ best friend/ girlfriend getter/tution mate/bus mate/chore doer etc

When I changed schools in Class 11 and went to hostel to do my +2, he found excuses to call me on the hostel landline, sometimes faking my brother’s voice and sometimes my father’s. He also became the family doctor when I was ill and the local guardian that never was! But one way or the other, there would be a call from him every single day. He tried to convince me to take up Engineering just like him because he wanted a permenant solution to assignments! He promised to teach me if I did his assignments. Bull! I knew him better!

While I did graduation in Coimbatore, he had his close friends keep a watch on me. He was studying for Engineering and hehad wooed a girl enough to get his assignments done(he loved her….too). So during my final year practical exams, he accompanied me to Coimbatore with his then girlfriend and we had a bash there! It was the year we had so much fun. Movies everyday…coffee shops, long drives, dancing, taking a tour of the city we were born and raised in, eating like we were starving from the day we were born. It was like a dream.

it was around that time that he made me drink for the first time. I wanted to try smoking but he said no. To this day I cannot even think of taking a puff for the fear that he will whack me. He shoved my fear of dancing up my ass and convinced me that I can sing. I remember he used to wake up on weekends and put on jukebox(a channel where callers could pick up and play songs of our choice) , wake me up and we would sing together for hours. I was a bad singer but he was worse. He had girlfriends all the way right from school but not once did he make me feel left out or wierd.

It was when I joined for PG that he and another A came as my guardians to drop me at my hostel. Yes, a girls hostel. The warden let them accompany me all the way to the 7th floor and leave my luggage there. I remember the smile on their faces even today. He would still call me most days and tell me what was happening in his life.  His family, his girlfriends, his game, his gang etc etc. When he joined for his PG,, my assignments and presentations were ready for him.

We talked less as the career and life ahead got to our heads but we made it a point to keep track of each other. I don’t know when it was that we felt the need to have others in our lives. Was it boredom? no. Was it loneliness? never. What was it? Anyway we began to have another circle of friends, a circle which neither one of us had any clue about and that was the beginning of the end. We began to have excuses for not calling or meeting..for days together.

After we passed out and got jobs, we got back again. Catching  up on old times, laughing at old jokes, remembering lost loves etc. We used to meet each other once a month and whenver either of us went on a trip, we would buy the other a gift. Something to say “I thought of you too”.  Small tokens that meant the world.

I remember him comin to my house to give me a surprise around the time I had my birthday and we stood in front of my house and talked for 3 hours straight. We talked about our school, our love lives, his career, my wedding, travel plans, mutual friends etc. I remember him sending me a message soon after he left that night saying we will meet again,soon and that after a long long time he felt really happy that we spend time together. The next weekend, him, me and the other A went for lunch at a posh restaurant to have a sumptous buffet with beer :). He knew I hated beer which is why he made sure thy had only beer so that I dont drink.

It was that very evening he promised to take me shopping to get a pair of jeans and shoes which was due for many years. That night we messaged for a loong time and somehow happened to share what we meant to each other. I realised that I was a sister he never had and  a  person he was sure would be there by his side to correct him and to support him no matter what his life turned out to be.  In return, he was the person I would turn to in case of doubt, my conscience, the reason I understood men psychology and above all my best friend. We promised each other that we will keep in touch and stay strong like old times.

It was on a cold October morning at 4:30 a .m that I got a call saying he was no more going to call me. He wasnt going to go shopping with me, he wasnt going to clear my doubt or keep me from chosing the wrong path, he wasnt going to be around when I got married, he was no more. He died on the spot in a freak accident. His family didnt know which number to call me because my number was stored in a different name in his mobile. It was stored as SiS.

I think of him everyday. There is not a single road we havent been together on. Every time I have a doubt in my head, I still dial his number and cut. I still hope against hope that its just a dream and that someday life will throw him back into this world and he will find me. He was everything I was missing in my life: a best friend, unconditional love, philosopher, my shrink, the one person I’d decided to follow and that is what he had convinced me of, the last time we spoke.

Last night while I was cleaning my room, I found a box tucked away with a bunch of cards that my friends had given me on my birthdays with most of them being from him, old chits we used to pass around, slam books, autograph books, school badges, my test papers, his test papers and so much more. I looked at them through wet eyes and pushed them back to where I found them. Into a corner, a corner of my heart.

I miss you Sudeep VP, yesterday, today, everyday. And in case you are reading this, I still roam around in that torn pair of jeans coz I havent yet bought a new pair.

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Final Goodbye

Sudeep VP, my best friend for 20 years died in an accident on 29th October 2011. I cursed him for a lot of things when i saw him lifeless but out of all that I cursed him the most coz he didnt even say bye to me….and I decided, if ever I am unable to say goodbye when I go this is what I would’ve wanted to say…

The time has come, my friends, to say goodbye,goodbye to the life I’ve lead so far. I can’t really imagine where I am gonna go. The future is hazy, don’t know where I’m going to end up, but the past, it is clear in my head. These memories, I shall carry with me. Going through the memories I have in my head, each one’s got a story to tell, I relive the countless events, with my favourite people in the world, who, its so bloody scary to think, will not even be a part of me( I cant say my life coz I wont have one!).  I don’t want to die, I dont want to say goodbye. I wish I could capture this moment, keep it with me, so we’ll never have to say goodbye, so we can come back here together, as it always should be, whenever we would like to.
But, its out of my hands now. The universe is too big to worry about us, this is the way it functions. I don’t think I’ll have happier days than these, no matter heaven or hell, but all good things must come to an end, and this is it.

So, goodbye, we shared lots of laughs. As I lie here and remember, I get this bittersweet feeling, something I have never experienced before, something I cant explain to you, but I’m sure you already know the feeling. You guys are the greatest and I will miss you, miss you always!

Remember I loved you all a lot more than I had ever told you and I will wait at the end of the tunnel just to see you all again…..

Goodbye

Posted in close to heart

Imagine (d)

He told me his grandmother had died.

I felt numb. I felt helpless.

I wanted to hold him tight.

But I know he’d only push me away.

Once, I imagined how I would feel if something happened to him.

Nothing. I felt nothing. Then an immediate voice in my head spoke up rejecting the thought.

Then grief from some hidden place ravaged me, leaving me breathless

And in a lot of pain.

I could not move. The moments passed by.

Slowly, I forced my breath out. My entire body ached.

I was weeping silently.

And all this, only by imagining.

Thank God for that.