Posted in m@dness

The gift

The other day when I told Ro that I write, he seemed really shocked and that stunned me. Yeah I know that not too many friends of mine know that I write and I dont want them to know. However Ro’s reaction got me thinking. Why do I write? Why do I write and not make a fuss about it? I write because I don’t know any other way.I write because my fingers hurt if I don’t and my mind doesn’t rest till it’s penned down(virutally). I don’t care whether it will please my people, or whether it’s going to win a Booker or whether it will truly be the best piece of writing I’ve ever done. I write because it makes me human. It’s my heart’s way of expressing itself.

I remember Das telling me that when I was really young, I used to take Readers Digest and read and laugh at the jokes. Mind you, I was hardly 5-6 years then and there is no way I’d understand what was written! I still laughed. I wrote essays and cut out pictures of important news and wrote about them in my own style. Like my own personal newspaper. I think Das has all that kept away safely. I used to draw too. Artist A. Ramachandran, a friend of an uncle used to term it as modern art then. It used to be window, lines, circles and god knows what shapes. But I remember Ramachandran uncle slowly deciphering it and asking me if I thought while i painted. He, dad and my mother were pretty sure that I’d be a creative person rather than a geeky person. I could not have cared less abt what I’m going to become. I wrote because I needed to. I wrote poems that didn’t make sense to anyone but me. I wrote books on spiral pads about people/incidents who meant something to me. My brother used to make fun of it saying i’d copied it from somewhere. But you must know that i am talking about an era where the internet was still unheard of.

I was someone and I felt something because I wrote. I would get up in the middle of the night and write thoughts that came into my head, dreams that were disjointed, rhymes that came from a consciousness I didn’t know existed. I wrote a diary for years. Everyday. Things that made me smile, things that troubled me, things that could be better.I wrote fiction. I wrote about things I thought about would/could happen and the emotions that I’d have if it did come true. I made a diary after diary of my life. I kept it locked away. Like all my other writing work. I didn’t want to show it to the world…not even the people closest to me. It was mine. It was private. It was not meant for public scrutiny. I didn’t want the criticism on it. I didn’t need the feedback. Until my brother stumbled upon it one day and made a hue and cry about it! Thats the day I stopped writing diaries and to this day, I havent written an entry.

I went on to study human minds. I thought it was the most fascinating thing. I still think it is. I wasnt too keen on learning psychology but as I read, learnt and wrote more, I realised how amazing the human mind was. I would come home numb from exhaustion, bruised from the reprimands and broken from the penury and that’s when I could do only one thing. I wrote.I sat down and filled the virtual world with stories of people and places and my feelings to all of it. Till I went to sleep. Till I knew my heart was happy for a few hours.

 

And then it happened. I decided…very hesitatingly…that maybe I should show something to the world…And I wrote an idea out. An idea that came from a conversation. An idea that had bearings to my own life. Something that a few people might be able to identify with. And I wrote my first post.It didn’t have a title then. It was just this idea. And it developed, like my life into something larger. I kept it closely guarded. Afraid that if I show it to someone they will bring it down. Afraid that people might think this is my life or that my life would turn out to be the way i wrote here. But I wrote, concentrating on just the feelings of the fictional incidents and events I created. The actions would come later. The mind doesn’t really know Love. Only the heart does. And that was my beginning. I deleted more than I wrote. I began to think that unless it was the best piece I’ve written, it should be trashed. I researched and the feelings turned into style.People who were regular readers commented that I was changing and that my style was improving. I became confused. That was not me.I always wrote because no one was looking. It was my secret place. And now it had to be all those things that I could not fathom I would be.

And it finished.I sent it to the recycle bin.I say recycle bin because I started again. Yet again. Being true to myself. I wrote with a passion that came from knowing that I had a gift. I could imagine really well and I knew it had to be given due credit. So I wrote. My soul was out there. For all to see. To criticise and hate. This was it.  And now as I wait for the reactions to come back, I know that my heart will not be able to take the dissension yet I will be strong enough to live another day.To write more.

No looking back. After all I have the gift.

Today, when I see the recognition I get, be it likes, shares or comments or just clicks/visits, I know and I am assured that my gift is real and not imagined. Not fiction.

Posted in m@dness

What experience taught

“Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories; They’re all that’s left you”

 I miss my academic life(school and college) all of a sudden. Some weird withdrawal syndrome or something. I miss the people (even those I hated and laughed about and didn’t really know), I miss the teachers (okay, that is just a lie in the guise of sentiment) and I miss the stupid staircase I had to climb up 4 floors of every morning (the biggest lie of them all).
2011 and 2012 have taught me a lot about people and the rules that apply in relationships.And those two years and my experience of 25 years have taught me,

# That succumbing to peer pressure is just not worth the hassle, short term, and definitely not long term. No, you don’t need to be the jet setting, party going alcoholic,you’ll still live if you don’t have high-top Converse shoes, and it’s okay to not be able to afford a 90 bucks coffee every day.

#I realized that the friendships I am most secure about today are those that have endured distance, prolonged silences, insane fights and simple, but long-standing misunderstandings. Sometimes just a text-message, or an old insider joke is enough to dissolve all differences. But you should be ready to put in a lot of heart into each friendship. Every person counts. Specially, in that inner circle.

#There are people I am more than happy to have out of my system, now that the academic(junior-age) life and all the associated drama is over. Me being me, I look for a happy ending to all stories, but now, I also know that it is statistically impossible for me to please every person. And vice versa. I’ve made my peace with this fact. I’m happy in my space, and wish them happiness in theirs. Period.

# I feel extremely lucky that I’ve met people who can tell me I’m fat, judgmental, stubborn, bitchy, a midget, stupid and childish. I call them my best friends. 🙂

#First impressions, surprisingly are sometimes,the most accurate impressions. You may know someone for the longest time, yet never really know them. I learned the not-so-nice way that people can disappoint, irritate, provoke and disgust you to the point of no return. And that my first instinct on meeting them was “Stay Awaaaaaay!”. And to add to it, listen to other people’s opinions too. Hundred people cannot be wrong about someone’s character and personality, you could be the one having the wrong impression.

#Sometimes, it’s okay not to listen to the “friendly” advice given to you. In fact, that goes for most times. Credit yourself with more brains, than to mindlessly give in to others’ opinions of you. Just a few times in life, listen to your heart, yourself. IF things do go wrong , atleast you will know who your real friends are when they come and offer you their support inspite of you not taking their advice!

# I learnt that people cannot be in each other’s lives forever. Do not ever depend on someone else to keep you happy. In life, we will lose out on a lot of people to death, to money, to misunderstandings, to ego and to fate. You need to remind yourself that, everyday. The only thing you need to do to have a happy life is to do something that makes you smile from your heart, everyday. Everyday.

#Stories aren’t coins. Of course, there are more than two sides to every story. Every person’s unique way of spinning it, with their own dramatization and exaggerations. That may make you cry when you’re in the middle of it sitting confused, but will also make you laugh at your blindness later. Rumors and gossip are only fun for a little while, that too when they’re aimed at someone else. You forget you’re hurting someone with your acerbic laughter.So do not spread unwanted information.

#I realized how genuinely happy I sometimes am, when people beat all odds and fight to get what they want. Other times, I’m just shocked out of my chair and wish “Goddamnit, if he/she could do it, why not me?” Just being honest. 😛

#The measure of a person’s personality is the manner in which he/she treats people lower than him in status and higher than him in experience and age. It shows just how egoistic the person is. And believe me, ego is dangerous.

#Having muscles, or money, or word-power, does not give you the right to think you are better than the next person or the right to treat someone as shit or the right to take them for a ride. It’s high time to get off that high pedestal you think you deserve. The role could change anytime!!!

#Look around. Listen more. Learn from little things. Take time for yourself. Whenever possible, spend time with infants and toddlers, orphans and abandoned elders. They can teach you what it takes to be a nice human being. Patience, Innocence, Humility, optimism and perseverance.

#Travel as much as you can. Short or long, just travel. It gives you insight. It gives you experiences that could help you take life changing decisions. How, you  may ask. Its simple, the more you see, the more you know and the more you know, the more you understand.

# When in doubt if you’ll make it through this roller coaster journey called life, take inspiration from the Hogwarts school song-

“Just do your best, we’ll do the rest,
And learn until our brains all rot.”

Bridges have been burned, pages have been turned.

Lessons have been learned. 🙂

Posted in m@dness

I, Me, Myself

Good Afternoon people! It is a Wednesday afternoon and I think most people I can see from where I sit are in a cranky mood! Soo I was away with family for some family bonding giving  each other solace n all that and I am going to be on and off in writing till the new year. Not that I have lots of things to do but I need to get some time to myself and do some me time before the new year begins and so I will be on a wavy mood(high and low) !

It irks me. The being pulled out of the comfy zone I mean.It’s like being pulled out of a cocoon. It always feels terrible to get out of one’s comfort zone. But as everyone knows, you can’t achieve anything unless you get out of it. Change of phases always bring me a great discomfort. Eventually, I do end up liking them though.

When I was in school, I was damn sure I will never like college. First of all, I had to go to Tamil Nadu and talk to my classmates in Tamil. It’s not that I don’t know the language at all n all that but if you speak to me in “Senthamil” I would look as if I was just given a time bomb. I would never get to lead that super cool life like in school were  I was just so carefree, enthusiastic and in love with life. I would never get to travel in my school bus, hang around the local shop with my friends etc. And on top of that, I  knew I would get a culture shock at CBE. If I sound like a rude mallu, I must admit that I was one! The me taking a liking to CBE was a gradual process. I slowly started liking the place. I started liking the “chilli parotta” which was the only reason I didnt die of hunger in my first year. But then like I said I would have found some reason or the other to like the phase anyway. I met Div and Deeps there and formed a bond for lifetime. By the end of my third year, I was completely in love with the new phase.

By the time I reached my final semester, I knew I had to figure out what to do so I decided to study further. I came back to my hometown to do my masters. I wasnt too glad and all that but yes the fact that it was my hometown kinda gave me a high. By the third semester, I was damn sure I wouldn’t like going to work. Too much responsibilities. Too much headache. And you can’t sleep during work hours. When I started to work… it didn’t turn out so bad. The money earning part I just loveeeee 😀 The financial independence is just awesome. I have been working for about 3.6 years now and have loved it till now( though I still crib about the lack of sleep and not being to sit at home and idle n all tht)

Now its almost time for my next transition(the nost major one by far) and I feel the same discomfort. Maybe all this uneasiness is for the good, as proved in the past. Though I think this transition phase is a lil harder than the other ones I went through because there is a lot more pressure, a lot more of disappointments.. and you are just looking desperately for that little iota of hope and happiness.

Sometimes, I just wish I could go back to my childhood days and start things all over again…

But then…this is what life is all about.

Posted in m@dness

Neat Freak(ed)

Oh duh!  Okay I’ll give excuses reasons and then come to the point. I have time constraints. I get out at 7:00 in the morning and reach back at 8:30 in the evening. Weekends are spent doing everything I couldn’t do through the week. Sooo I live in a mess or rather my room is a mess! It’s true. No chair or bed or sofa or table is bereft of books, clothes and newspapers. The curse of living in the same house for over twenty two years is that you tend to accumulate a lot of junk. This, accompanied with the tendency to not want to throw anything away, gives you what I lovingly call home.

My brother flew the coop long ago leaving behind some of his stuff, which till date lies rotting in one study table/cupboard, a variety of cardboard boxes and drawers. I gave up on tidying long ago, owing partly to laziness and partly to the feeling of helplessness that overcomes me as I cast my eye on endless shelves of completely useless items that surround me, the feeling that only moving to a new house will alleviate the situation.

The maid (who has been with us longer than the mess), having learnt her lesson the hard way through previous experiences of creating more chaos by putting things away where nobody can find them and consequently being yelled at, now turns a blind eye and leaves me to not pick up after myself. DadDas is the one that takes the effort to sort some things out from time to time, especially when the pile of clothes and books reaches dangerous heights, swaying treacherously and threatening to bury us all one day under 90 days’ worth of bad headlines.

So accustomed to the mess are we, that we’ve started working by the logic that it is easier to locate an item if it is –
(a) visible at all time
(b) liable to be sat on occasionally
This logic sometimes does fail. But that is nothing compared to what happens if a member of the household( Read Das or the maid), seized by conscience, decides one day, to pick up something and put it in its proper place. And by proper place, I mean anywhere that violates both the conditions mentioned above. Since I never believe in doing anything until the very last minute, leaving the house becomes a bit of a problem owing to an inevitably missing item. Chaos ALWAYS ensues. Consider the following scenario: I’m getting ready to go out with the gang n have five minutes before having to leave when –

Me: Where is my blue stole?

Das (gesturing): Must be in that thing you call your room

Me: I cannot see it here

Das: Can you ever see anything in that room let alone find!

Me: Can you please stop torturing me! I know you know where it is!

Das: What is a stole anyway?!

Me: Achaaaaaaa! Its like a shawl. A shorter version of it!

Das: Wait

Me: I dont have time to wait! You can read the paper later too. I have my friends waiting!

Das: I havent seen you wear a blue stole, ever. Why do you need it now?!

Me : Ofcourse you have seen it, I wore it two days ago when I went to gym.  I have worn it a hundred times!

Das: Oh that black shawl with blue and pink border! Now I k now what you are talking about. Stole, my foot! Its a shawl!

Me: Whatever! Can you please find it!

Interrupted by the honking of my friend’s car, I decide to get out without it as the search continues until the room is even untidier than before. Eventually the shawl is found tucked away in the nether regions of my bed! That area of my bed that I havent yet found anyone worth sharing with.

Once, Dad made the colossal error of being away for a couple of days leaving the house to the mercy of my indifference. Things got a bit out of hand then. I remember, once in a fit of mistimed hospitality, I invited a bunch of friends over to my place, when we were hanging out in a coffee shop nearby. The misguided fools happily accepted my invitation, having never been to my house before. As we entered the bedroom, which is generally unoccupied, I noticed, as I’m sure they did, that the bed was overflowing with clothes and blankets. I waited for comments like “Wow, it looks like you’ve just been robbed” and ‘Man, is this the only part of the house that the tornado hit?” Instead, after the slightly stunned silence, one voice pipes up “So you live alone huh?”

Surprised, I gestured towards the bed as the obvious answer to the unnecessary question, and invited them to sit. “Where?” was what I read in their faces, but they good-naturedly sat atop the layer that covered the bed. “Wow, you have a lot of books,” one of them commented, looking around. “Books?” I thought to myself “HELLO?!? What about the MOUNTAIN OF CLOTHES you’re sitting on?!?” But all I could say was “Yeah! I do” and hope fervently that none of them was sitting on any pair of my personal.. ummm.. ‘delicate’ items. To this day, I am not sure whether it was sheer politeness or a resigned acceptance of ‘their-friend-the-slob’ that prevented them from displaying the expected reaction. Since I know that tact is not one of their strengths, I strongly suspect it was the latter.

Anyway, generally whenever I have company (expected of course) I make the effort to at least clear up some place to sit. But, I confess, this merely involves shoving the wandering items into whatever space is available. So next time you come to my place, you will find the room looking relatively tidy and the bed mercifully devoid of clothing. Errrr .. just don’t go opening any cupboards, okay?

Look, really I am not that messy and all. Its just that I really dont have the time to put stuff back into place and keep it neat. I try, I do, I really do! But sometimes when you are in a hurry and you have a loving dad back home who cleans up after you, you tend to take things for granted and then some days dad stops doing what he used to do because he thinks you have to run a house and get married and thus stating the-so-be-a-little- responsible he says you are on your own now! Thats when the room gets untidy. So it really isnt my fault ryt!

Posted in m@dness

Birthday Effects

I bet you have had friends who have put up statuses like this on FB. Well, here is something an FB friend put up on her bday:

Never thought that I would have so many surprises lined up for my birthday which I thought would be otherwise low-key. Thanks everyone for everything. I am glad you are with me, my precious!!! :) ) :D .

And it somehow got me thinking on the relevance of birthdays among the two sexes and the common sentiment associated with it.
Girls, as far as I know never have celebrated a “low-key birthday“. Yet, the reference for a low key birthday is obvious even when they know it has never ever happened to them.Its true! I do not know one girl apart from Div(on of my best gals) who doesnt make a huge thing about the day they were born. They(Read:We) just have to celebrate it and bring on the year with as much noise as possible!Gifts, surprises, parties, new clothes, etc are mandatory!
Guys, on the other hand stand a very good prospect of celebrating a low-key birthday. Many instances would come to my mind in substantiating my stand on this. When they(the guys) are single (either by choice or chance) or stood up in life, there is a good enough possibility of it going low key coz nobody really cares apart from they themself. On the other hand, even if they are in a “thing” (as is the trend nowadays), they might still have a girlfriend who wouldn’t remember the dates and would blame the guy for the mishap that was his birthday. But then, they are women so the men don’t make it such a big issue and tend to forgive.
Imagine if they had swapped roles and forgot their girlfriend’s birthday, they can be rest assured that the marching orders would be ready soon enough. :) There comes the aspect of relevance. I cant think of many men who would think of their birthdays being the most important days of their life. But on the other hand, its quite natural for women to feel so.
Coming to the common sentiment associated part, I found something amazing in the world today. The common sentiment associated with your birthday here is in loose terms, “something of a pure joy of growing old and having accomplished a milestone in life“. This is actually the most common sentiment  on a global scale, and you end up spending a fortune to let the world know that you are growing old. This is quite a contradiction to someone like me who thinks that birthdays are just one more way of god telling you that you have one year less to the grave. Thus I never understood the whole concept of celebrating it ever since I was 17, I think. I still am unsure which of the versions is the right one, but continue to go about mine for the sake of convenience and comfort.
Well coming to how I celebrated mine. Mine was a good day with a first surprise that came from Ms M in the form of a lovely cake and her presence! Then it came in the form of a bunch of friends(lets say family) that drove all the way down just to see me smile! Oh and they bought along a nice yummy cake too that I finished! So that was two cakes in a day! And then off we went for a nice drive n some shopping and some laughing and what not. Lil was the highlight. The kid can make just about anyone’s worst day into a super amazing day! Well birthdays become special when there are people around, people you love. I thought I’d have the worst bday ever but it was fine. Yes I did miss Big B. I always do. I dreamt of him that morning where he wished me and gave me a nice hug. So in many ways my day was good and I made it a point to make sure that nothing would affect my temperament that day and I succeeded!
And 26 years later, I realised that if you want to succeed and if you want to live happy, you just have to put your own life and happiness above anything else. Life cannot make you happy, you gotta make life happy!
So happy living!!!
P.S- I am getting old,aint I!? Oops!
Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Over and done with 25

And another one bites the dust. I am supposedly one year older younger, one year wiser and one year more beautiful than I was last year. Come on, technically my new year starts tomorrow and not on Jan 1st. No prizes for guessing!

This was an important year. More important than I had ever imagined. I did so much n so much happened to me. I lost my best friend to death. I broke my heart. I failed and succeed. I saw my dad battling it out with cancer. I wrote obsessively. I scored. I prayed. I hated. I traveled. I almost got fired. I quit a lot of things. I infatuated myself with getting back in form or shape rather. I left friends behind. I made bonds that I know would last a lifetime. I experimented with my sanity. I experienced I gave up on forever.

Would I do it all over again if I get a chance? Probably not. Some seasons should never come back and this was one of those seasons.

But I’ve also learnt a lot this year. I learnt that things don’t always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should, and it is not necessarily a bad thing.I’ve learnt that death is inevitable.  And I’ve learnt that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learnt that good people also hurt you – no matter how good they are, at some point they are bound to hurt you too and its alright. I’ve learnt that relationships are fickle. They should not be measured by how long you have known someone, but how deeply you have enjoyed.I’ve learnt that your life isn’t something that just about anyone can throw around. You have to make your life love you! I’ve learnt that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learnt that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, even when you don’t have people who love you. I have learnt that if you do put your heart and soul into something, things can get done. I have learnt that the sooner you let go, the better it is. I also learnt that you gotta fight it out sometimes.

And now I stand here in this strangely familiar city, in this not so pleasant weather, trying to find a direction. There are no familiar faces around to guide me, no matter how hard I try to look for them, but I know why that is. They are not supposed to be here. Its my time to get up myself and figure it out. Otherwise I will never learn.

But the good news is that once I get up and put myself together, work up the courage to turn the corner of the street I had been looking at for such a long time now, I will bump into a stranger(or maybe not so much of a stranger), we will smile at each other and somehow all will be well again. Its only a matter of getting up and turning around that corner. I know I’m still a little bent, a little crooked, but I can’t complain. After bearing through all kinds of abuses this year and crashing into dead ends and living through hell, I feel better now than I did a few months ago. I might have some scar tissue, but that’s alright, I’m still making progress.

Soooooo, here’s to another year of kicking and struggling and loving, and working up the nerve to take that turn and find out what’s around that corner. HEre’s hoping that my dream of finding love and being a little happy comes true atleast this year. Here’s wishing that I do a few good things and a few things right this year and here’s praying that I don’t lose out anymore on people that I love.

Happy birthday life! You definitely make 26 look goooooood!!!

Posted in m@dness

Happy birthday. Happy, Really?!?!

Warning: I am in an extremely cynical mood today!

People are right when they say that birthdays after 25 are never a happy thing. I don’t want anything to do with my birthday this year. I don’t want the cake and candles, the flowers and the phone calls. I don’t want a guest list or the gifts. I love being in the spotlight, but I do not want the attention this time. Does it sound totally ridiculous to not want a birthday at all – just this year?!

What will my birthday cake be like – chocolate truffle or gooey chocolate or whatever? Do I really care except for their calorie count? What will I wear on my birthday. So many silly celebrations later, do I really care? What do I want this birthday? If you can’t think, why should I?

Maybe, it has something to do with growing up and realising that your birthday is just another day in the calendar. Maybe, it’s because I’m feeling fat. Maybe, it has nothing to do with any of this. Maybe, it’s the fuss that I’m fretting over. Maybe I don’t want people to make a big deal about the day I was born because these people don’t remember me on other, more important days of the year. Maybe, I’m just not in the mood.Maybe its because a few people who were around on my bday last year will not be around this year. Maybe its coz  i am pretty sure that by my next bday, I’ll no longer be single. Maybe these are what they call birthday blues. So why can’t I postpone my birthday this year?

P.S- Maybe I am in this bad mood today and might feel totally opposite tomorrow. So in case you do plan to  make my birthday special,  don’t back out! Get at it!