Posted in m@dness

Age gracefully

When I was very young, very very young, my mother used to pick out what I was to wear each day and lay it on the bed. I hated it. One of my earliest memories is praying to God that he’d make me an adult fast so I could choose what to wear. Memories of my mother fade with each passing year. Blame it on the silver things that crop up each time I comb my hair. Or maybe its time.

When I rifle through old photographs and search my brain for forgotten memories, I see a gangly version of myself, gazing into the future. I used to read Readers Digest, not understand a word,laugh out loud and reserve understanding to the future.I would paint lines and circles and a renowned artist would call it Abstract Art. I would become a teacher and pile up assignments on my students. I aspired to be the girl in the advertisement, sipping chocolate margherita on a colonial balcony, my tresses billowing behind me.  I would be one of those bikini-clad women who all look alike on a Goan beach.

At some time, without my knowledge, the future arrived. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like anything I planned. I am not a teacher nor the girl in the advertisement . I exist in a continuum of endless cups of tea! I am 30. I cannot drive a car. I cannot speak a foreign language. I haven’t written a book, yet. Young nephews and nieces have graduated from calling me ‘chechi’ (a Malayalam coinage for ‘elder sister’) to aunty.Ugh! I still have no idea how shares work and can no longer put it down to my innocence and young age. It has its perks of course. I have now learned the art of doing bottoms up and am legally allowed to do so. I can multi-task. I can wake up as early as 5 am. Earlier, I pretend-laughed at people’s jokes because I didn’t get them. Now I pretend-laugh at their jokes because I get them.

Still, everything seems to be happening in a rush. I’m not ready to be a 30-year-old. Mentally. I’m not ready to be served wine/vodka at a restaurant; I want good old coca cola. I’m not ready to be asked my opinion on the nuclear situation in Pakistan. I don’t want to whine and sulk about paying bills and running errands. I hate acting old! I don’t want to.

I wish I could go back in time and narrate a few life lessons to my 18-year-old self: don’t smile so smugly at the camera. In ten years’ time, you’re going to look at yourself and wonder at your own gawkiness.  If you thought you got high on chocolate, wait for the real deal. Don’t be scared to talk to that boy you like. For that matter, don’t be scared about speaking your mind or doing what you think is right. Everything is fugacious.

In another ten years, you’ll wonder at your stupidity aggrandising someone who turned out to be just like you. Don’t take everything in life so seriously. Have fun, do something illegal. Remember: Your past becomes the raw material for the anecdotes of your future. Your dreams may be rooted in fantasy but your plans are rooted in reality. 10 years from today, you wouldn’t want to look at a photo and think that you too could’ve been part of it.

Oh, and tell your future self: stop trying to be profound. Dont be afraid to act your age. Not a minute older, not a minute younger. Age gracefully.

elderly-woman-holding-hand-mirror-reflecting-young-woman

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Note in the mood-28

When we were children, we wanted to just grow up and be adults. Like really quick. Being adults enticed us a lot and maybe thats why we loved playing house house. Maybe we thought that life was a lot cooler as adults. Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was like whether you’d get a cake for your birthday or would you get to eat chocolates the next day. I remember my relatives and elder cousins telling me to enjoy my schooldays while it lasted coz it was the time we would be free of any responsibility. Today when I see children playing house house ans daddy mummy, I tell them to go out and play something else while they can. I tell them that they have a lifetime to play house house and live the adult life. The poor children think the adult life is happier and a lot easier and a life free of exams and tests and homework. They think its all about cooking, partying, love and office! If only they knew.
Adulthood is responsibility. Adults have to be places, do things, earn a living, and pay the rent.  Everyday is an exam, a test that you must most certainly ace. Its not just you, you are responsible for all those that surround you,  all those whose lives are a part of yours. The scariest part about responsibility is when you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers. There are no weekdays,no weekends. Its just one loooioooooooonnnggggggg neverending day. Unfortunately once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn’t go away. It can’t be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. And still adulthood has it’s purpose. I mean the guiltfree shopping, the love, the no parents telling you what to do, the life after the responsiblities… if ever…that’s pretty damn good.

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Posted in RoMa Chronicles

Love Bits-7

They walked side by side, barely touching. Each lost in their own convoluted worlds. Ironically, every thought that flitted through the trapped corners of their minds had one common focal point – the other. As the path they chose seemed to peter out right in front of their eyes, swept left, right and centre by the storm that was ravaging their lives, they were left in its wake helplessly wondering how they even happened on this particular path, that too together.

Brought together by society, bound together by fate, they wondered if love would ever grace their union.

Unknown to them, Love had already intertwined their lives together, at the same time. Their hands just needed to inch a little closer. Their hearts, a little more giving. They need to learn to weather it together, to accept the other’s support. The perfect ending, already deigned in the minds of higher beings, is them finding the boat of togetherness and the oars of companionship.

To part ways in the middle of the storm was not what was written for them, for they have tasted what it feels like, known what it could be like. And neither would ever feel or be complete without the other ever again.

Posted in close to heart

Not(e) in the mood-26

So I am super tensed and apprehensive and all those negative adjectives you can think of when you say future. And its raining again. And so I am in of those questioning moods! Again!

Why is it that we always choose what is not good for us?

Why do forbidden things beckon us to them like SRK to Karan Johar movies?

Why can’t people follow instructions?

Why do people take so much time to select a candidate for a job?!

Why cant people stick to whats written on paper!?

Why do people get so finicky about religion and caste and sub caste?

Why do we prod the hornet’s nest if only to see how painful the sting can be?

Why do we touch the flame of a candle even though we have been taught that fire burns?

Why do we load up on Lays and Pringles even though we know it’s crappy?

Why do people(their stand basically) change according to situations?

Why do we justify our lack of drive with the excuse of taking the ‘less trodden path’?

Why are we so quick to judge?

Why don’t we ever let go when we shouldn’t hold on and hold on when we should let go?

Why do we get jealous when a loved one gets something good in life?

Why does the car have a speedometer(thats wat its called no?) upto 220 I think when normal people go only till 140?

Why do we bitch about things we have no control over?

Why do we try so hard to impress?

Why is it sometimes very difficult to write, to listen and to undersand?

Why don’t we care enough about more people?

Why do we experience un-abandoned glee in taking advantage of those below?

Why do we love so deeply and hate so fiercely?

Why do we refuse to listen and insist on talking?

Why do we derive all-encompassing smugness from proving people wrong?

Why do we argue about pointless shit?

Why do we hog like pigs and then complain about those love handles and beer bellies?

Why do people smoke n drink in excess, knowing that they’ll get killed eventually?

Why do we like seeing money burn? (metaphorically, of course)

Why do we follow the herd?

Why do we love take-outs and not cook-ins?

Why do the little drops of rain make us dreamy?

Why does that toothless baby with an apology of a smile make our insides become coarse potato mash?

Why do our fathers’ invoke an unfailing sense of security?

Why is that ‘ghar ka khana’ can never replace the most opulent chinese gourmets?

Why do we have an ever-persistent hopefulness of winning the lottery?

Why do we count the days down to our birthdays?

Why is childhood the most cherished part of our lives?

Why does out heart do a teeny somersault when we see our names on a privileged list?

Why do we not let go of hatred and jealousy?

Why do we blame other people for our unfulfilled desires?

Why do we exist and not live?

Because we are human. And imperfectly so.
Posted in m@dness

Just how would we know!?

Its raining here in DXB :). And you know my everlasting romance with it, so here I am in one of my introspective moods while watching it from the “place”.

 “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

This quote from Forrest Gump has always been the tagline of my life. People who take quick decisions always amaze me. Taking decisions have always been a huge task for me. From chosing a dress, deciding which restaurant to eat to all the major milestone decisions, theres’s always stress and time involved! I mean how will we know that the decisions that are taken (the ones that matter anyway) are the right ones?! What if your life changes with that one decision!

For example, deciding to move to a foreign land on a permanent visa after years of wondering whats it like to live outside the country one is born in (and quitting a perfectly stable, well-paying and permanent post) knowing that there is no job in waiting and knowing that years of experience will be thrown aside and career has to be started from scratch and nobody even remotely close to family or friends. How do we know if it is the right decision to actually live the dream?!

Or deciding to pursue something that’s nowhere in our scheme of life. Change our whole lives based on a hunch that plan A might just be better than plan B; how do we know that plan B is what we are supposed to be doing in the first place?!

Or get married. How do we know that this is the person we are supposed to spend the rest of our lives with? How do we know that we’ll have the same romance, beautiful and lasting beyond death, which our grandparents have? How do we know that it is not the biggest miscalculation that we ever made? Personally, I had a tough time at this one!

Or deciding whether to put down your paper at the office. With a job that isnt what they offered on paper and a salary that is way below what was told and with interview calls coming. How do you know if you should take a risk and just quit and attend interviews or hold on to this company and let go of opportunities!

Or how do we decide to leave behind family and friends when they need us the most, just because we think we can do more for them by leaving than staying and know that is what we are meant to do, rather than be with them?  How can we be sure that we are doing what God wants us to; what he has written for us??

I guess,the truth is, we CAN’T know. We just have to take a deep breath,  do it and get it over wit and more importantly, live with it afterward. If we are lucky and have been true to our conscience, the happiness comes. Otherwise, god help you!

Until then thank god for choices! Yes, I am sulking because of the options and decisions I have to take because of the choices but have you wondered what life would have been without those options or choices?!

P.S- The place happens to be my workstation! Don’t tell 🙂

Posted in m@dness

Rambling-8

To dream of a world where nothing ever went wrong, no relationships ever went sour, and things happened so smoothly that at least I didn’t have to bother about damage control. Is. Stupid.

To get depressed on realising every time that that ideal world does not exist. Is. Fatal.

Will I learn?Ever?