Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Note in the mood- 31

 

imageI am the loneliness of the crowd

I am the silence of the talk

I am the dryness of the rain

I am the oneness of the many

I am the softness of the hard

I am the wetness of the dry

I am the happiness of the sad

I am the oneness of the many

I am the solitude of the open

I am the darkness of the light

I am the shallowness of the depth

I am the oneness of many

Coz’ I have been the one among many and many within the one

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Posted in close to heart

Not(e) in the mood- 21

When you’re little, night time is scary, because you think there are monsters, ghosts and demons hiding right under the bed. When you get older, the monsters are different. Self doubt… friendships taken for granted…..heart breaks…loneliness… anger….regret. And though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark. When I am usually in such a state. I try to sleep. It’s the easiest thing to do. You just have to close your eyes.

However, for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp. We want it, but we don’t know how to get it. But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help, night time may not be  so scary, because we realize we aren’t all alone in the dark.We enter the world alone, and we leave it alone. And everything that happens in between, we owe it to ourselves to find a little company. We need help. We need support. Otherwise, we’re in it by ourselves. Strangers, cut off from each other, and we forget… just how connected we all are. So instead, we choose love, we choose life, and for a moment, we feel just a little bit less alone.

 

Posted in close to heart

I wish you were around a little longer

A year ago, when my best friend died, I cried. I cried because it was too sudden, because I just couldn’t fathom him not being there and more importantly because I never thought death could happen to someone so close to me. It’s always like that right? We see everything around us but refuse to accept the fact that it could happen to us to0. When things happen to people around us, we thank god that it didn’t happen to us but all the while forgetting that it could happen to us next.

For awhile now I have been hearing  a lot of deaths and maybe because I have been exposed to death so closely that now I am no more scared. I have come to accept the fact that yes, death is universal and it happens to everyone and it could happen to anybody close to me  as well.

Today, when am going through one of the most darkest phases of my life, I miss him.A year ago I had convinced myself that he would come back, that he had just gone off to a far away location and will be back on a holiday and give me a surprise with the pair of jeans he had promised to get me. Today while at work, I said a goodbye in my mind to a person who I had valued more than life and it was then that it struck me that I was left with no shoulder to cry on. I was alone, as always. It dawned on me that neither of them were coming back. One had left for good and the other had chosen to live a life in which I had no role. After my dad and brother, it was these two men who I had sought refuge in and now I was left to live a life with just me to clarify doubts, me to make a decision and me to walk the lonely path.

You can shed tears that he is gone, 
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that he was gone.. and the world would never be the same..The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. He lived so much..He was so full of life, creating memories every second.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember him. I saw him motionless. Pale face, stiff body. I remember oh so clearly.

I wonder why it had to be him?! I guess its because he was so damn popular and maybe too many people envied him. Envied, not disliked. He knew I never was one of those strong people.. He knew me.. He was the one who mended me. And yet he gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to hold steadily

I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone. Two of your girls are married and I guess, the one girl you really wanted to be with still pines for you. God bless her. That family of yours, shattered. Nobody mentions you anymore other than your men, the girl and me.. some say they do remember you. But few remember you the way I do…few.

I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..You knew it.

Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work and exercise and do stuff all throughout the day so that I am not busy all the time, so that I dont have time to think. But I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…

But I want you to know that I always thought there were would be more days that i could spend with you. I kept asking and you kept thinking that you had time. But the truth is, we never have time and neither did I. There is never a good time to do anything. Its all crap what they say that things happen in their own time. Things happen when you make them happen or they don’t happen at all. The right time is always NOW.

I couldnt say goodbye to you, I will never be able to. You left and nobody filled that space. Nobody ever will. I will surely have friends but I will never find my best friend again. It was always you and it will always remain that way. These days I keep everyone happy. I make sure I never put anything for the next day. I do everything I can to make someones day coz I dont know if I’d ever get to do anything for them again. What if……

I wish you were here, Big B. I Miss you..every day. I really wish you are happy wherever you are. I wish I see you again in some life after. I hope you havent found new friends there to party with coz I havent found anyone here yet. I miss your hug, I miss our karaoke sessions, I miss our duets on the phone, I miss our drives, I miss doing your office reports, I miss not wishing you on your bday, I miss you climbing my gate, I miss your concern, your love, your security and everything we shared.

If you get a chance, please come back……

Posted in m@dness

Of Old friends, Distance and Telephone Calls

Its raining here now. Don’t know why but rain always makes me write. An old friend messaged me today and was telling me how we don’t talk and spend time together like before. It bought me back to my school days. A time when the most complicated things in life were a one chapter test the next day or a school badge going missing or a torn holy book!( I will write a post on that someday)

Till about 4th standard, my grandma was around to help my dad bring us up, my brother and I that is. Well it was mostly me coz my brother was not around too often as he was away at college. A year and a half I went straight to my aunt’s house from school and when I began to totally hate it, I somehow convinced my dad that I would come home straight from school. So when I was in class 7, I came home directly from school everyday for the next 5  years. Empty home, yes! But empty home came with a gift of sorts, freedom. School was till 1:20 p.m and I would reach home by 2:15 latest. Lunch was noodles almost every day unless I got fed up and made eggs and had it with bread. I still have that emotional bonding with noodles!

I used to watch tv till about 3;00 pm and then take a nap till 4;4:30. THEN the phone calls used to start! I wouldn’t use the word gang coz we used to fight and make up and fight and join other gangs all the time. But I had this circle of about 4-5 people and we used to call each other up every single day like the next day was coming to an end. The phone would just ring non stop! When one call ended, the other would ring. There was no facebook at that time and the only was we could UPDATE each other of our activities were to call each other. No conference call either. So if we had to share some piece of info(read gossip) , the only way was to call each of them up! Now when I think of it I cannot help but laugh at the number of times we were shouted at and reprimanded for the times we called each other up! Jyo, my closest buddy since school and I used to call each other almost 30 times every day. This inspite of meeting in school, travelling in the same bus and staying just 2 minutes away from each other. It was fun. Great fun. Gossiping, sharing the most intricate details of everyday, updating each other by the minute on the activities, deciding who to target the next say, crushes, daily crushes, teachers etc.

Today, we are miles apart, both by distance and mind. We hardly talk once in a week. Updates are seen on facebook and the like/comment is used like read receipt. We meet once in three months, that is four times a year. Catch up on old times, but the distance is there, screaming at my face. We tried every trick to reduce the gap, but sometimes time just gets to you.

When I was a kid, I had just a few people and I was happy and contempt and felt like I didn’t need anybody else other than these people to live. Now, a grown up woman that I am, having so many friends and circles, I feel lost. Somewhere hidden inside is a girl who is still holding on to a phone to get that call of life. A girl who has walked beyond yesterday but not yet reached today.

Posted in close to heart

Things Change- On Suicide Prevention

I had written this a little while ago after i had read a news about this incident and it moved me to write about it:http://www.daijiworld.com/news/news_disp.aspn_id=102391&n_tit=Bangalore%3A+Fashion+Designer+Ruchi+Shandilya+Commits+Suicide

(Please read the post if you haven’t read it before continuing further)

On Sunday night, Bangalore city claimed yet another suicide victim. Ruchi Shandilya who was just 25, ended her life by hanging herself from the ceiling fan, in her apartment, near Ulsoor lake. She has worked with manoviraj Khosla for three years. He is holidaying abroad and when he heard of her death, he was shocked and completely shattered. She had been married for the past three years to Prashant Kumar and her marriage had run into rough waters. There were constant fights. On Friday, after one such fight, Prashant stormed out of the house and moved into his friend’s place.Ruchi later constantly tried to contact him but he did not answer her phone calls. On Monday morning when he returned home, the sight that greeted him was Ruchi’s dead body hanging from the ceiling.

What truly breaks my heart in this story is that Ruchi repeatedly tried to reach out. I can empathise completely with her pain and her desperation Can you imagine her agony for her to have taken this extreme step? It is easy to say “People have fights all the time, why should anyone take their life for that?” Fact is it is not that single fight which would have caused her to end her life. It would have been the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

The strongest signals which a person likely to commit suicide gives out is “I cannot go on anymore.” They may not say so in so many words, but they may reach out. Suicide is rarely a spur of the moment decision. It is not like how it is shown in the movies.

Suicides can definitely be prevented by talking about issues. And for talking one needs a trusted friend, a confidante and sometimes just somebody who cares enough to listen.

Had Prashant picked up Ruchi’s calls, her death would probably have been prevented.
If Ruchi had a close and trusted friend whom she could have called when Prashant did not respond, her death might have been prevented.
If someone who knew Ruchi cared deeply about her, her death could still have been prevented.

What I feel most hurt about is, nobody really cares..For most people, this just a story in today’s newspaper which will go into trash pile tomorrow.

In any relationship, fights are inevitable. In life problems are inevitable. But what is needed is talking about it. One cannot cut off from loved ones, the way Prashant did just because he was angry. The least he could have done was pick up her calls. He owed her that much. After all, they must have had something between them, for them to get married.

But things change you, see (and that was meant sardonically).

P.S: If you have even one single dependable friend and a true friend, hold on to them. They are worth their weight in gold.