A year ago, when my best friend died, I cried. I cried because it was too sudden, because I just couldn’t fathom him not being there and more importantly because I never thought death could happen to someone so close to me. It’s always like that right? We see everything around us but refuse to accept the fact that it could happen to us to0. When things happen to people around us, we thank god that it didn’t happen to us but all the while forgetting that it could happen to us next.
For awhile now I have been hearing a lot of deaths and maybe because I have been exposed to death so closely that now I am no more scared. I have come to accept the fact that yes, death is universal and it happens to everyone and it could happen to anybody close to me as well.
Today, when am going through one of the most darkest phases of my life, I miss him.A year ago I had convinced myself that he would come back, that he had just gone off to a far away location and will be back on a holiday and give me a surprise with the pair of jeans he had promised to get me. Today while at work, I said a goodbye in my mind to a person who I had valued more than life and it was then that it struck me that I was left with no shoulder to cry on. I was alone, as always. It dawned on me that neither of them were coming back. One had left for good and the other had chosen to live a life in which I had no role. After my dad and brother, it was these two men who I had sought refuge in and now I was left to live a life with just me to clarify doubts, me to make a decision and me to walk the lonely path.
You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on
Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that he was gone.. and the world would never be the same..The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. He lived so much..He was so full of life, creating memories every second.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember him. I saw him motionless. Pale face, stiff body. I remember oh so clearly.
I wonder why it had to be him?! I guess its because he was so damn popular and maybe too many people envied him. Envied, not disliked. He knew I never was one of those strong people.. He knew me.. He was the one who mended me. And yet he gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to hold steadily
I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone. Two of your girls are married and I guess, the one girl you really wanted to be with still pines for you. God bless her. That family of yours, shattered. Nobody mentions you anymore other than your men, the girl and me.. some say they do remember you. But few remember you the way I do…few.
I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..You knew it.
Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work and exercise and do stuff all throughout the day so that I am not busy all the time, so that I dont have time to think. But I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…
But I want you to know that I always thought there were would be more days that i could spend with you. I kept asking and you kept thinking that you had time. But the truth is, we never have time and neither did I. There is never a good time to do anything. Its all crap what they say that things happen in their own time. Things happen when you make them happen or they don’t happen at all. The right time is always NOW.
I couldnt say goodbye to you, I will never be able to. You left and nobody filled that space. Nobody ever will. I will surely have friends but I will never find my best friend again. It was always you and it will always remain that way. These days I keep everyone happy. I make sure I never put anything for the next day. I do everything I can to make someones day coz I dont know if I’d ever get to do anything for them again. What if……
I wish you were here, Big B. I Miss you..every day. I really wish you are happy wherever you are. I wish I see you again in some life after. I hope you havent found new friends there to party with coz I havent found anyone here yet. I miss your hug, I miss our karaoke sessions, I miss our duets on the phone, I miss our drives, I miss doing your office reports, I miss not wishing you on your bday, I miss you climbing my gate, I miss your concern, your love, your security and everything we shared.
If you get a chance, please come back……