Posted in m@dness

Celebrating Marriages

These days, when relatives and random people pass comments on my 4 year old daughter’s marriage which is anticipated to happen 25- 30 years from now, I smile and pray that someday it really does. Until a few years ago, I was a critic of this institution called marriage. However, over the years I have realized the significance and have begun to appreciate it. Nope, this is not a fan post dedicated to Ro, my husband.  Nope, I am not getting old either! I sneered at it and made fun of all the people who were married but this infuriating and irrational togetherness of 2 people is truly intriguing and baffling in every way possible. So, this post is for the Gen whatever who is thinking of whether or not to get married. I genuinely hope this helps you decide.

Until a couple of months before I got married, fully knowing the implications of long standing relationships and the hardships, the pain and the cost involved, I was hovering dangerously close to writing off this whole concept of marriage. Although, I must agree that I am  a wedding aficionado. Not to mention, the number of married people I came across who were married for all the wrong reasons and were now debating on whether or not to get a divorce. Some, who decided against a divorce just because of the paperwork involved! Then there were these married couples who had made an absolute mockery of their legal relationship by indulging in everything illegal! To be honest, I was almost prepared to give up. I did. Almost.

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When you grow up in a single parent household, you are privy to this inside view of an independent human being becoming super dad and super mom all at the same time. For me, all the growing up years were masterclasses in being independent. I grew up seeing my dad raise me single handed. There was no confusion and absolutely no chaos as every decision was for most parts independent! I mean, why would I even think of getting married when I was taught to do it all alone. I was raised that way! Like one of those Tshirt quotes- Born to be alone! Except that, eventually I realized that we cant really live alone for all our life right?

That jolt came when my father battled cancer a couple of years back and I spend a considerable amount of time in the hospital corridors, it really used to get quite lonely. I had friends and I did have some dear ones who made sure I felt less alone. However, on more than one occasion, I saw him fight it out alone, unwilling to concede defeat and I really wished that he had someone to hold his hand all the time. You see, even if I was a hundred years old, to him, I was still a kid and he would dare not vent or show his irritation, lest I get scared! It slowly dawned on me that it is indeed reassuring  to have someone to call your own when the body breaks down or when you really need some encouragement to do something spectacularly extraordinary. But hey, you certainly don’t get married to get yourself an unpaid caretaker in the twilight years. Nope, that is not really what marriage is all about. Although you cannot deny that, as nagging and cranky as each one of us can be, there could exist at least one person in the universe who, by a weird stroke of luck, adores you enough to commit to tolerating your personal brand of obnoxious and crazy personality. Someone who is still in your life, even when you’ve given them a million and one reasons to walk away and take their love with them.

Today if you talk to me I would tell you that in 6 years of being married, I think it is all  about putting your patience to test every single day and still coming out of it, unscathed! There are so many things Ro and I hate about each other and really we ought to. We were raised in different manners and lived different lives before we started this life together. Ro cribs about my fetish for chinese food, but will make sure he takes me out to eat chinese at least once in a week! I hate Ro wearing boxers and stepping out to the neighbourhood shop , but will accompany him for shopping and pick out that pair of boxers, even if he forgets. His laid back attitude, my short temper. His love for boxers and socks, my affair with books and photos. His impulsive behavior, my deeply thought over plans. His spy movie and action genre craze, my inclination towards all things romantic. Good days; bad days; happy days; frustrated days; we are done days; I cannot live without you days; Up day; Down day, but, that is okay. It really is fine.

No photo description available.You see, it is a dance! It is about balancing and really, it is all about pretending not to notice the monotony of the awkward things we all tend to do or repeat. Every argument against marriage is rock-solid. Especially in the era we are living in. Some say it is boring, some thing of it as an obligation and that we’d all probably live a whole lot longer and more peacefully if we didn’t have someone breathing down our backs, feeling entitled to our time, attention, and energy. With the passive-aggressive wife jokes that almost always portrays the woman of the house as the nagging shrew making the rounds and researches making a compelling argument for women to stay single, by suggesting that unmarried and child-free women live longer and report being more happy than their married counterparts, people begin to wonder, why, when so many inmates of the institution are so desperately miserable, the institution of marriage continues to be the benchmark and platinum standard for romantic relationships.

Image result for MarriageOn the contrary, perhaps the very idea that we’re meant to spend our whole lives with one person is what makes it appealing. It is more or less like a lifelong undertaking and  its adventure lies not in its beginning, but in its ability to look at all of each other’s ugly in the eye without turning away.  It is about having enough love left over to hold on, in the darkest hours, despite knowing that everything that is bad has the potential to get exponentially worse. SO, go find that person, now! And, if you did not find all these reasons compelling enough, try renting a house as a singleton and you will get convinced and how!

Meanwhile, Happy Anniversary to us, RO! I simply LOVE you!

 

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Posted in close to heart

Love long. Live Longer.

When you are loved, it shows. It does.

It beams and shines bright with the delight of being wanted, of being admired and longed for.Image result for Love
It shows in that swing of your waist, when you are free. It manifests in the song that you hum around.It shows in the way you put your foot forward when you have nowhere in particular to go and everywhere to reach.
It shows in the spirit of your laughter, when you are happy from inside. The mirth that springs through mouth and twinkles through eyes.

It matters when you know you matter that you are loved by the one you love. The glow, the waist, the swing, the spirit, the laughter, the heart. It all becomes a part of one – the Universe, your Universe.

Oh and people who love long, live longer! After all, love is vast and elusive. Much like the Universe or the God. How else can you explain the greatness of human intellect and its incapacity to yet explain it.

Happy Valentines Day! My y’all love long and live longer!

 

Posted in The Chronicles of A

A mother speaks- Chapter 4

In the past 26 months, I have learnt a lot. Changed as well. My toddler teaches me life lessons everyday. I am a mother. A working mother. You know what does it take to be one?  Lets just say, “a lot”!

“The obligation of working mothers is a very precise one:the feeling that one ought to work as if one didn’t have a child , while raising one’s child as if one didn’t have a job.”

There are days (read: most) when I feel guilty about not being able to spend time with Ami and about how I am missing out on her tiny milestones because of commitments. Commitment to work, family, home and so much more. There are also days when I cannot give a hundred percent to my work because of my commitments at home and because my heart is out there with my girl. My heart feels overwhelmed when I see the lives of some people around me. And I do not feel like this on why their lives are difficult, I feel this for the strength that they display despite of it. My dad is one such person. But that is a post for another day.

Parenting is difficult for anybody. I do not believe in anything that stereotypes us based on our genders. It is equally difficult for everyone. Raising a child well is indeed one of the most painstaking things one will ever do. It burns you out. And even if you are doing everything that you could, it still leaves you with the guilt that you could have done better. Especially if you are working too. And the worst thing is that the result of your most precious investment is very vague and fragile. You can only wish and hope that what you are doing today will someday transform the little one into a good person – a kind, sensitive human being who will have enough potential within, to earn himself a respectable and happy life. I can only pray that the little time I have for my own girl and the time that I teach her about life in general will lay her foundations and lay it strong.

Unfortunately, for the millenial generation, we no longer live in the times where kids were surrounded by a large family. Ask me and I’d say that those were the best of times. Everyone was involved in raising each other’s children. Everyone was responsible to lay the foundation for a child. In reality, now, we raise our kids in isolation. The only people they interact with regularly are the parents. The mom and dad inadvertently become the single source of all that that will constitute the child’s memory, thoughts, actions, behavior and to an extent the very personality of the child.  In that case, what about children of working parents who don’t really have the time to even contribute to that little bit? 😦
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There is no way you can rationalize to a child about why you cannot attend that sports day or annual day because you got caught up at work. You cannot explain to them either as to why  you couldnt sit and watch that cartoon with them because you had to finish the work at home. And you certainly cannot expect them to understand the reason you are working extra hours and extra jobs because you want to make sure that their life is good in the long run.They don’t understand your job is their lifeline too. They don’t understand anything. They just see what you do with them, to them, and will remember that always as faint memories of their childhood – some strange feeling. That is why it becomes even more important to ensure that they end up feeling good, even if there are momentary bouts of discomfort or discontent.  Every parent needs to show double the love of what they would do otherwise when they have the time.

Thankfully, love is a resource that is inexhaustible. In fact, it is that one thing, which if you allow it to do, will surround your entire being with itself and transform your sufferings from pain to contentment. Probably the reason that our(Ro and I) world stops and our smile appears as soon as we see our girl in the evening. That hop, skip and jump with a peck on our cheek assures  that everything is alright. We tell her everyday how much we love her. And she smiles, like she knows, like she understands. Maybe she does.

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Move on

Its that one rule life tries to tell us during trying times. Move on. Its easier said than done though. I have lost quite a number of people to both fate and death in the years that I’ve walked on earth. I have tried to make up for the loss of these people in my life as well as in the lives of others whose world’s they occupied. In most occasions I have failed miserably. Nobody can take the place of someone else. Nobody. Period.
That said, something has been in my mind for a few days now. It could be because of the nostalgia that came after reading  a post on my brother’s blog. My father raised me alone. It was him all the way. I say all the way because although there were family and friends to help out at one point or the other, for most parts(read:95%) of my formative years , it was him. For a man to bring up a girl , i am sure would’ve been a herculean task. I know for sure because I have seen the stress and  effort Ro takes when he has to manage ami for a few hours!  So imagine about 24 years!  Things were different and difficult for the three of us; my dad, brother and me. Boys are more closer to the mother abd girls to their dads. I could tell my dad everything but he and my brother always had that line between them. Always.
A neighbor passed away recently due to an illness. A nasty illness that too. She left behind 2 boys aged 8 and 3 maybe. I wasn’t too close to her nor the family. However when i heard of it, I cried my heart out. Partly for nostalgia and partly for the boys. Their family is huge. Grandparents and uncles and aunties and cousins and friends and so many others. Would that be enough for the boys? Will they be able to bond with their father and tell him every small detail of their lives? Would he care to listen? The truth is that we’ll all grieve. For a long long time. We’ll never be tbe same again. We’ll heal in bits and pieces and we’ll slowly learn to live with the loss..the void..the space in our hearts. Forever.
I have thought about speaking to the family time and again and convincing them to let that man marry again, but I have been overpowered by the typical mind-your-own-business mentality. Will he get him self another wife? Will they ever be happy again? I pray they do. Those boys and that man deserves happiness in their life.
I asked myself this question: if I were to die unexpectedly.. would I want to see Ro and ami happy? Would i want to see Ro married again? Ami calling someone else AmmA? Yes. I’d want to. I would love to make sure that they are taken care of well in my absence. I am pretty sure every person up there wants their loved one to remain happy. Happy doesn’t  mean forgetting.  Does it?

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Posted in RoMa Chronicles

Love Bits-7

They walked side by side, barely touching. Each lost in their own convoluted worlds. Ironically, every thought that flitted through the trapped corners of their minds had one common focal point – the other. As the path they chose seemed to peter out right in front of their eyes, swept left, right and centre by the storm that was ravaging their lives, they were left in its wake helplessly wondering how they even happened on this particular path, that too together.

Brought together by society, bound together by fate, they wondered if love would ever grace their union.

Unknown to them, Love had already intertwined their lives together, at the same time. Their hands just needed to inch a little closer. Their hearts, a little more giving. They need to learn to weather it together, to accept the other’s support. The perfect ending, already deigned in the minds of higher beings, is them finding the boat of togetherness and the oars of companionship.

To part ways in the middle of the storm was not what was written for them, for they have tasted what it feels like, known what it could be like. And neither would ever feel or be complete without the other ever again.

Posted in close to heart

Not(e) in the mood-26

So I am super tensed and apprehensive and all those negative adjectives you can think of when you say future. And its raining again. And so I am in of those questioning moods! Again!

Why is it that we always choose what is not good for us?

Why do forbidden things beckon us to them like SRK to Karan Johar movies?

Why can’t people follow instructions?

Why do people take so much time to select a candidate for a job?!

Why cant people stick to whats written on paper!?

Why do people get so finicky about religion and caste and sub caste?

Why do we prod the hornet’s nest if only to see how painful the sting can be?

Why do we touch the flame of a candle even though we have been taught that fire burns?

Why do we load up on Lays and Pringles even though we know it’s crappy?

Why do people(their stand basically) change according to situations?

Why do we justify our lack of drive with the excuse of taking the ‘less trodden path’?

Why are we so quick to judge?

Why don’t we ever let go when we shouldn’t hold on and hold on when we should let go?

Why do we get jealous when a loved one gets something good in life?

Why does the car have a speedometer(thats wat its called no?) upto 220 I think when normal people go only till 140?

Why do we bitch about things we have no control over?

Why do we try so hard to impress?

Why is it sometimes very difficult to write, to listen and to undersand?

Why don’t we care enough about more people?

Why do we experience un-abandoned glee in taking advantage of those below?

Why do we love so deeply and hate so fiercely?

Why do we refuse to listen and insist on talking?

Why do we derive all-encompassing smugness from proving people wrong?

Why do we argue about pointless shit?

Why do we hog like pigs and then complain about those love handles and beer bellies?

Why do people smoke n drink in excess, knowing that they’ll get killed eventually?

Why do we like seeing money burn? (metaphorically, of course)

Why do we follow the herd?

Why do we love take-outs and not cook-ins?

Why do the little drops of rain make us dreamy?

Why does that toothless baby with an apology of a smile make our insides become coarse potato mash?

Why do our fathers’ invoke an unfailing sense of security?

Why is that ‘ghar ka khana’ can never replace the most opulent chinese gourmets?

Why do we have an ever-persistent hopefulness of winning the lottery?

Why do we count the days down to our birthdays?

Why is childhood the most cherished part of our lives?

Why does out heart do a teeny somersault when we see our names on a privileged list?

Why do we not let go of hatred and jealousy?

Why do we blame other people for our unfulfilled desires?

Why do we exist and not live?

Because we are human. And imperfectly so.
Posted in RoMa Chronicles

Love Bits-6

Clouds of love showering down and you rope me in with your wicked smirk.
First winter, you and I. Dancing on the roof with music so loud. Kicking off my shoes and you ask me if I am Mad. Mad for you, mad in love I say.

Twilight comes in with a greyish haze. Cold and dry, yet the glow in your gaze. Fire in the fireplace..my hair, you play…for your touch, I sway.

Because when all this is gone…memories are all that is left. With silver in my hair and a crack in your spine. Toothless and saggy..the cold and frail hands…It will be will only be memories that hold.