Posted in m@dness

Note in the Mood-30

Diwali is just around the corner. I had never celebrated Diwali till 2 years ago. And when I did celebrate, it really was with a bang. Ami was born on a Diwali, 2 years ago. So indeed it was with a bang. Nope, the post isn’t about Diwali. Go google if you need to know about the festival. As a ritual, the ladies clean the house, from top to bottom, in and out. It is tiring. As I moved things around here n there, I slowed down. Couldn’t it be possible, that by cleaning, our ancestors actually meant our heart and soul? That, what if they meant was to throw away the negative thoughts in our heads and leave space for the good stuff to enter. Make way for goodness! Couldn’t it be? And dumb us keep cleaning the exteriors, the material things.

I did. I sat down, this weekend. I thought of the good stuff, I couldn’t think of too many bad things that I had done, but I could think of a lot of things that people had done to me that really did leave scars. We try so hard to protect ourselves, but it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. Cause when the bad things come, they come out of nowhere. The bad things come suddenly, with no warning. But we forget that sometimes that’s how the good things come too. So I sat down and thought of all those experiences and cried. I cried for the last time. I decided I will not cry over all of it ever again. I will not keep a revenge and I will not curse. I let go. I forgave.

It felt good! Why however, does it feel so good to get rid of things? To unload? To let go? Maybe because when we see how little we actually need to survive, it makes us realize how powerful we actually are. To strip down to only what we need. To hang on to only what we can’t do without. Not just to survive, but to thrive. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. Happy Diwali.

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Posted in close to heart, RoMa Chronicles

A new beginning

 “It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”

– Alen Cohen

Change, they say, is inevitable. I don’t know about courage, but for really big changes, it sure takes some big time preparation. And by preparation I don’t just mean manic shopping! Today I stand at the crossroads of my life. A place I knew I was going to arrive at, sooner than later. And somehow I wasn’t aware it would also bring with itself a bundle of mixed emotions.

It’s not easy to leave a world that is nothing if not familiar. A fixed amount of money making its way into the bank account every month, a boss whose mood swings I have come to understand and work my way around, a fixed routine of early morning n late evening bus rides and car pooling. Familiar faces everywhere – the bus, the roads, the neighborhood. The same paths that leads to the same places, even the familiar trainer at the gym! I may not have made, or kept even, too many friends here at work, but the last couple of years were all about getting used to change. Trying my hand at cooking, losing loved ones, catching up with friends, letting go of people who have no value for me, learning to live with das once again, where I can easily get away with moodswings, laziness, and downright SLOTH! An office where I knew my stuff, worked myself into things I had known only in books and taken up jobs that I never knew I was good at.

And soon this phase will be over… All this familiarity will change.

New place, new people, and a husband and a household to take care of too! I have never imagined myself get married, be someone’s wife and all that. I always thought I had too much of a wild streak to settle down, be the woman around the house, or even take the trouble of making changes in my life to be with someone else. And now, I am doing just that. And guess what – it doesn’t feel like a compromise. It makes me happy, a tad bit apprehensive and intimidated maybe, but very happy. Probably this comes from all the trust that has firmly made its place in my mind over the last few months. And the fact that the person I will be with after all these changes in my life, is understanding along with so many other nice things 😉 Not predictable at all mind you, but very, very understandable( I think I meant understanding).

I have been asked how I feel about all these changes. Well, I haven’t consciously sat down and analysed my feelings over it. But from whatever thought I have given it, I do know I am not in the least bit sad. Or unsure. Though I am unsure of my abilities as a wife and let’s face it – a daughter in law and sister in law, or sometimes of even finding my footing at a new place, I am not upset. In fact I am ready for change. And all the fun that’s in store for me. Us. 🙂

Today I quit my job of two years. Today I said goodbye to a lot of people. Some that I was happy to say bye to and some that I know I’ll miss. Today I am letting go of my fears of whether I was capable of being an HR professional or not. I am good at it. Today I am proud to say I am great at writing and branding. Today I bid adieu to the endless hours of traveling. Today I vow to be committed to reducing my weight at least till August 30th. Today I promise to spend as much time as I can with Das, my family and friends. Today i am happy. Today is a new beginning!

Tomorrow I am starting on a journey. Kind of a passage before i reach the other side in 77 days!An exile for ten days. No phones. No internet. No friends. Nobody but myself. Here’s to me time!!!!!!

P.S- The sadists dont be too glad! Ro and I are having an amazing journey so far and cannot wait to get married to each other. So if you thought that I was going on exile bcoz I had a tiff with him, screw you! Ro was annoyed at the fact that I wont be available on whats app and skype for these ten days. Which means he cannot go without seeing me even for a day! How sweet 😉 so YES, screw you and your sadism! Get a life, will you! Oh I will have control over all this bullish behaviour when am back after ten days.

See you on the other side 🙂

Posted in m@dness

Maybe

Like I have told you before, Tuesdays are the days I think and wait and pray and hope and all that and so today which is yet another Tuesday, once again, i find myself at the crossroads of life!!

Why does life continue to confuse me even though I’ve given up on it??
Why does it still come up with  surprises and make them even more obvious exactly when i’m tryin to ignore them??
Why does it put forward choices which i dont feel like making anymore n yet dont feel like losing either??
True! life gets all the more complex with each coming day n the confusions never cease…

Sometimes i wonder,aren’t we even given the right to make the smallest or most insignificant decisions of our lives? Nothin seems to be in our hands or in our control and yet we often like to believe we can do something about it. Humans are dumb, ya?!

A simple argument discussion brought about many a realization today…a simple conversation made me think a lot about the way i am with people around me. Maybe all I’m doing is neglecting those who care for those who don’t at all.And if that wasn’t enough, i was lectured on how i have this super inferiority complex that makes me feel that i cant deserve any good and how i doubt life when it brings pleasant surprises along.

I am bracing myself for the possibility that next I’ll be told I’m crazy n should be admitted in some asylum!

Life these days is all about arguments and choices! And about how i should get rid of my trust issues , how i should believe in love and perhaps also..easter bunny .tooth fairy..n Santa Claus too…(no?? hehehe i thought the rest would follow suit!)

But then again, if I’ve changed soo much, why do i still care? Why does it still hurt to see a close friend sad? why does it still sting when a friend tells me that he/she is getting hitched and I smirk and ridicule the whole system of marriage??why is there still a probably?? why do i still get misty eyed when i watch those “ultra corny” movies which always manage to have a happy ending??Why does it hit when my closest friends and family say ive changed?? why dont i have anything to say when ppl ask me for explanations, reasons and advice…even though i did hate it soo much myself once upon a time?? why do i go back to the mad people began to hate,vulnerable, naive,ultrasensitive, moody and angry!Why dont i no longer believe in happy endings??? why has my faith in “good things happen to good ppl” dwindled so much??
Maybe, its a fallacy. Maybe everyone is wrong. Maybe this is the way I had always been except for the five years that I spent being blind. Or maybe when those 5 years ended, it also took with it, a girl who was fun to be with, lively, talented and believed and trusted in the goodness of life and had faith in people. Maybe that is how I changed. Maybe.

 

sigh! And I am just waiting for all of this to end and start new. Right now planning to go with the flow without being swept too far!

Posted in close to heart

Not(e) in the mood

People have wounds. No, not surgery/physical scars n wounds.People have them in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don’t. The wounds I mean. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.And there are some scars that we really do want to get rid off but just can’t because its physically impossible.  Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

 

What’s worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should’ve healed ages ago and never did?

Posted in m@dness

A letter to the one that was

This was one of the innumerable letters I’ve written but never posted.You know who I have written to… I know who I have written to…

Dear     ,

Why did you do it? Why? Did I not love you enough? Didn’t I amuse you, entertain you enough? Wasn’t I caring enough? Why then…? Was it…was it that you didn’t love me at all? Never..never can anyone ever love you more than I do did. Useless issues at this point of time…but still… You knew it didn’t you, as to how much I loved you… I was so happy. For once in my life I was truly happy. I wanted to be a part of your life ever so much… True, it was only I who felt all these. You always played safe. Nevertheless, I’d made my feelings clear, didn’t I? There were ever so many dreams…. so many wishes…so many prayers…The people associated with us knew your effect on me. Ah…even they understood. All of a sudden it stopped…your love I mean. Everyone around me knew you had stopped feeling anything for me. Everyone except myself.  They told me not to have my hopes too high for you. Keeping my chin up and biting on to my trembling lips, I would smile and run inside…lest the now unstoppable tears flow out…

You never told me…hints there were, but I was too blinded by love too see them then. Now, it’s only them that I can see. Do you know how I felt when I heard about…about you and the your act  of deceit? I could not believe it…I still cannot. Why…? Was the love for your aims and ambitions far above my love for you? Where did I fail? What did I do wrong? What did I lack? Why did you do it…? Do you know the number of times I’ve run behind strangers who to me looked like you? Ah, the number of people who look like you…. Do you know that the mere mention of your name makes my heart skip a few beats? Each time I passed by the places we had been together, I would resolutely turn my head the other way- but in my mind’s eye I could always see you,us having a good time. Me enjoying and you acting.… Do you know the number of times I’ve asked your friends and acquaintances, as if I never cared, as to how you were, where you were, what you were doing…? Do you know the number of times I’ve thrown abuses at you in front of others- when at the same moment, hearts of hearts I’ve apologized a thousand times? Do you realize the hurt? The pain? Those terrible sleepless nights? The sorrow? The frustration? The longing? The emptiness? The loneliness? The sense of failure? Each of this is just words to you- I lived through each! True, you never promised me anything. You might easily ask me “Why did you love me so much when I had told you in the beginning itself about the family I came from and the life I lead?”. Ah…it isn’t that simple. Just because you ditched me, dumped me and walked out of my life- unceremoniously…. how do I stop loving you? Love is no bargain. Love is no deal. My love was true and so for a long, long time I continued to love you…

Do you realize how much I have changed? Gone is my innocence. Gone is my feeling of trust. I live on…in a world where I am suspicious of everybody and everything. I firmly promise myself, “Never, never again will I let anyone hurt me so…”. Do you realize how scared I am of loving again? Do you realize how much a part of me you have taken away? Lastly, do you know how much I hate myself for having loved you? How much I hate myself, because a part of me, no matter how much I try can still not hate you.

However, to hate you has been difficult but to stop loving you was easy and that I have done.

Love,

Posted in close to heart, fiction, m@dness

Awakening

Why doesn’t she just leave?
It’s the first question people ask, when they come to know of her plight.She stays because she hopes it will get better. Maybe they can talk it out and make things work. Maybe she will make him happy again. Maybe he will find a way.
She stays because she is ashamed that they have come to this, that she has allowed him to treat her this way, that she has taken him back before.
She stays because she doesn’t have the courage, hope and willingness to start all over again.
She’s scared to try to make it alone in this big bad world. She is worried she has lost the time and has crossed the age to find life and love again.
She holds on because she is afraid.

He has told her that she can never leave him because thats the love she has. He says that his memories will haunt her no matter where she goes and what she does.He has warned her that the marks and scars, physical and emotional will be with her for the rest of her life.She knows that he means it.

But that was till she realized the love she gave was never acknowledged nor returned. That was till she understood that he was taking her for a ride. She cried her heart out. She screamed and howled and cried for missing him. She went over each memory she had with him and lived through it one last time. She missed him as much as she could so that the missing would decrease as each day passed.

That was till she gave up being the girl she was and turned into a fine lady ready to take on the world. She gained the courage, the wisdom and the skill to show the world she was not ready to give up just yet. She woke up to a new day, a new woman, a new dream and a new story. She told herself she would never ever give up on love and that she will never let a man bring tears to her eyes.

She started writing her own destiny, her own story.When she needs to know just how human she is, She will touch the scars, look at them and remember. And if she remembers enough, she will cry. Then she will ignore them again and go on being happy.

And I wish her this:

Someday she’ll find the man that she wished he could’ve have been.
And he’ll be just another heartbreak in her past that will lead her to the one that’s meant to last.

Posted in m@dness

Risk it, I say!

Wikipedia defines risk as the potential that a chosen action or activity (including the choice of inaction) will lead to a loss (an undesirable outcome).

There is as much risk in doing nothing as in doing something. Just because something is going to end badly doesn’t mean you cant enjoy the ride. I think we don’t have analyze everything all the time, sometimes we could just let it be!

The other day I was arguing and well discussing about taking risks. People are so used to leading a simple life with no complexities that they cannot even think about taking risks! They just want things to be the way they are. How mundane is that! Most people are too afraid to do much in life because they believe that the odds are not looking that great. But how will we ever know for sure unless we let go of the fears and embrace them?

I have met some people in life with whom I knew I wasn’t going to get anywhere but it was nice knowing them. I have never ever regreted doing anything in my life, so far. C’mon it was all experiences! Whether I have succeeded or failed after taking risks? I don’t know coz I remember the experiences only and so far am sure the risks I have taken is worthwhile!I have done some things which failed to give me the desired results but it was worth the experience.

I don’t want to live with the “what if’s” in life. What if I had gone out with friends that night? What if I had taken that job they had offered?What if I had said yes that evening?What if I had gathered the courage to drive? What if I had experimented with cooking? What if I had asked him to marry me? Fine. I will crash and burn, and then get up and do it differently but I WILL do it.

I am not implying that we should not learn from our mistakes and keep taking the most absurd risks but just because you didn’t get what you wanted one time doesn’t mean you are never going to touch that subject again. Just don’t do what isn’t working. I cant just sit here and cry my eyes out because someone let me down. I dont want to not stop speaking my mind because I was shunned one time. I wont stop believing in love just because I had been hurt before. I am going to learn and do what works for me, without being afraid of the consequences.

Uncertainty and expectation are the joys of life, people.

To laugh is to risk playing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing our true selves
To put your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try at all is to risk failure
But risk must be taken Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing
The person who risks nothing  does nothing, has nothing, is nothing
They may avoid suffering and sorrow
but they simply cannot learn,change,feel,grow,love,live…
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves
Only the person who risks is free!

Life is not as bad as it seems.

Til next time, risk it,i say!

Posted in close to heart, fiction

Forever 21

She has known him now for 4 yrs . They met when they were in college. She was NOT a girl next door , and he wasn’t a flamboyant in character , but they were meant to be together.
She was a charmer and he was the less social, shy one in the corner. He was into books and she was in everything apart from it . Maybe as it is said , opposites attract. They happened to each other . She never believed in Love until she met him and THEN there was no looking back .
They made a pair to be envied by all those who knew they were a couple , to be blessed and loved by few .
When GOD wrote their Love Story he was perhaps in the most melodramatic mood. The budding lovers were least aware of the real world. They dreamt of everything except a broken relationship .

Some dreams are meant never to be fulfilled and few horrible horrible nightmares  were destined to come true. Maybe they were fated to meet and depart .

Oh there she stands today amidst all applauses & eyes gazing at her. She is at her best spirit. This is where she always intended to be. To be acclaimed , to be unbeaten , to be praised. She moves in the crowd with smile on her lips and pride in her eyes but always looking for that familiar face with the deep grin. The disappointment in not finding that face was well hidden by practice.She moves back to her bay and look out of window to see the roads she has travelled once with him .

She is 28 now and climbing ladders to her success but nothing stops her from going back to the life when she was with him .There is part of her which wants to run back to the days when she was 21 , when she was content by just walking in the June- July rains of Cochin, by that 5 minute bike ride or that wait at the garden for 10 minutes just to see him after his football or cricket match . She cant stop thinking of those days even when her friends tell her to move on .

Moving on has been a strange journey for her where she got everything in this spree  only disallowing herself from every relationship . She met many ppl only making them acquaintances. Today she is in dilemma if to allow herself another chance in new relation or not . As the pieces of that broken relation still nip her , she refuses to discard them .

Every marriage she attends, every status update she receives, every couple on the road n she thinks to herself, why couldn’t it be them walking hand in hand, y couldn’t it be their marriage, and why did it have to be them to fall apart? Why??

No matter how high she climbs up and how much success she finds, the love that she felt when she was 21 will still thriving inside her . A relationship which is dead for the world will still be nurtured and kept alive by her. She is not waiting for him but the love still binds her to tat man .She will forever be 21.

Posted in m@dness

Many times bitten, never shy!

“Who would want me as their friend? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me.” 

Well, in a weird way, I’ve wondered that as well about myself.

It’s pretty much how life works. Right? We make friends and lose friends. But, then again, some people are distraught over this. Me? I never have been. I know I should be, but I’m not. Weird? Maybe.

I’ve never gotten upset about people coming and going in my life. This isn’t to say I don’t consider my friends unimportant or that I don’t care about them. I am very loyal when it comes to my friends and will defend them and take up for them when I need to do so.

Anyone who knows me knows how I am –  I’m a prick. I wonder how I still have friends a lot of the time. I can be hard to get along with sometimes. People sometimes don’t know how to take my humor. They aren’t sure if I’m joking or not. Sometimes even my friends that have known me since ages, are taken aback by the things that come out of my mouth. I just think that if you decide to consider me your friend, you should know what you’re getting into. You are eventually going to be a target of humor and ribbing. My friends don’t seem to mind this. That’s pretty much the basis of any one’s friendship with others.

Most of my friends I have kept for years, are used to me. Most of the time they just shake their heads and mutter, “Fuck you!” I don’t have many friends. I don’t have many friends because people are so sensitive and insecure and I know any little thing I say is going to rub them the wrong way and they are going to take it personally. Thanks, but no thanks. I’d much rather stick to having friends who know how to take a joke as just that… a joke.

I got off topic, anyway. I understand that we grow up and we grow apart. I was asked by someone if I’d be upset if for some reason I was no longer friends with a certain friend of mine. I didn’t have an answer. I don’t know still. This person is one of my best friends and has been for several years. Then again, I pretty much cut another person out of my life recently to whom I was extremely close and felt nothing about it. We grow up, we grow apart. No sense pissing and moaning about it. I shrug and say to myself. “Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Enjoy the rest of your life.” No big deal. Maybe that’s harsh of me, but that’s just how I am.

Hell, it may be a defense mechanism. Who knows? I just always keep my fingers crossed that no one asks me this question because I really don’t want to answer.

I don’t feel I need to sacrifice who I am and have always been because a friend doesn’t agree with it. I believe that as a friend, you should accept me as I am. My good and bad qualities. If you decide to exit my life then it really is no skin off my back. I’m not changing for anyone. I was told by someone a few months back that I am “not the gal she knew.” Well, obviously you didn’t know me well in the first place. Then again, you’re not the person I thought I knew either so I’d say we’re even.

P.S- In the words of my hero, “Apathy is the best therapy!”

Posted in close to heart

F.R.I.E.N.D.S- The chosen ones

*sings* So no one told ya life was gonna be this way… (clap clap clap clap): I can listen to this n number of times and not get bored. Precisely why its the tune that rings when my close pals call. Close pals???

Having spent numerous days busy at home and work , I’d started to go a little stir crazy. I am a person who thinks way too much, and being alone while struggling to keep calm and composed when the world around seems to come crashing down equals crazy neuroses and unnecessary bad feelings. So a day with some good friends, going the cinema and having lunch together was just the thing I needed to pull me out of my lowness.

So I sat down wondering which of my friends I should call. It struck me then and struck me real hard that the friends who were so close to me was no longer around. Busy they all were with no time for friends at all. I couldnt help wondering the number of times I have jeopordised my job and family to help them when they needed someone.

To be totally honest, I sometimes feel distant from my group of friends. We’re all in different places in our lives and I guess we’re starting to grow apart. I struggle sometimes as well with the conversations we have. We discuss our lives a little, and I like knowing what’s going on with them and I do make sure I am up to date on whats happening, but we don’t share personal things anymore. My dad is unwell,fighting Cancer and it’s a herculean task to keep him fine mentally and physically. At first I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to get upset; as time went on I didn’t want the conversation to be me and my problem centric. Part of me thinks that because I’ve had to deal with dad’s illness and the problems that surround me,  I have just matured a lot and don’t find small talk funny anymore, so I feel like an outsider sometimes in my group of friends. Not that we talk a lot but when we do I find it absurd that I just can’t relate to them anymore.

Sometimes one of them calls and I talk. She seems to be the ONLY one who seems to understand what I am going through.The others all know about it but just does not seem to care or bother and that hurts. I was there for them at their worst times but now that they have a life:marriage,husband etc they do not seem to be bothered about my life. Does it happen to everyone or is it me? Am I expecting too much?? I Don’t know.

Thank god for those really few friends of mine who seem to be there. Maybe they know what its like to feel alone when ur in trouble. Maybe. Or then they know il be there for them when they need help and dont want to let go, Just in case.

So that day I called up one of those few and told him I needed a break and he did come and take me out. We went fora movie then had lunch and stepped into our comfy zone for a cup of coffee. We did have our issues that day but I still felt totally at ease and happy, thinking that, when you need it, without even realising what they’re doing, your friends can make you feel better about anything.

I have had bad friends and good ones. I have learnt to let go of the bad ones and keep the ones that I know will be there with me till the end of time. They are just a handful but I know they will hold my hand, always. They are my friends and I love them; After all they are the family I chose for myself.