Posted in close to heart, fiction

Forever 21

She has known him now for 4 yrs . They met when they were in college. She was NOT a girl next door , and he wasn’t a flamboyant in character , but they were meant to be together.
She was a charmer and he was the less social, shy one in the corner. He was into books and she was in everything apart from it . Maybe as it is said , opposites attract. They happened to each other . She never believed in Love until she met him and THEN there was no looking back .
They made a pair to be envied by all those who knew they were a couple , to be blessed and loved by few .
When GOD wrote their Love Story he was perhaps in the most melodramatic mood. The budding lovers were least aware of the real world. They dreamt of everything except a broken relationship .

Some dreams are meant never to be fulfilled and few horrible horrible nightmares  were destined to come true. Maybe they were fated to meet and depart .

Oh there she stands today amidst all applauses & eyes gazing at her. She is at her best spirit. This is where she always intended to be. To be acclaimed , to be unbeaten , to be praised. She moves in the crowd with smile on her lips and pride in her eyes but always looking for that familiar face with the deep grin. The disappointment in not finding that face was well hidden by practice.She moves back to her bay and look out of window to see the roads she has travelled once with him .

She is 28 now and climbing ladders to her success but nothing stops her from going back to the life when she was with him .There is part of her which wants to run back to the days when she was 21 , when she was content by just walking in the June- July rains of Cochin, by that 5 minute bike ride or that wait at the garden for 10 minutes just to see him after his football or cricket match . She cant stop thinking of those days even when her friends tell her to move on .

Moving on has been a strange journey for her where she got everything in this spree  only disallowing herself from every relationship . She met many ppl only making them acquaintances. Today she is in dilemma if to allow herself another chance in new relation or not . As the pieces of that broken relation still nip her , she refuses to discard them .

Every marriage she attends, every status update she receives, every couple on the road n she thinks to herself, why couldn’t it be them walking hand in hand, y couldn’t it be their marriage, and why did it have to be them to fall apart? Why??

No matter how high she climbs up and how much success she finds, the love that she felt when she was 21 will still thriving inside her . A relationship which is dead for the world will still be nurtured and kept alive by her. She is not waiting for him but the love still binds her to tat man .She will forever be 21.

Posted in m@dness

Many times bitten, never shy!

“Who would want me as their friend? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me.” 

Well, in a weird way, I’ve wondered that as well about myself.

It’s pretty much how life works. Right? We make friends and lose friends. But, then again, some people are distraught over this. Me? I never have been. I know I should be, but I’m not. Weird? Maybe.

I’ve never gotten upset about people coming and going in my life. This isn’t to say I don’t consider my friends unimportant or that I don’t care about them. I am very loyal when it comes to my friends and will defend them and take up for them when I need to do so.

Anyone who knows me knows how I am –  I’m a prick. I wonder how I still have friends a lot of the time. I can be hard to get along with sometimes. People sometimes don’t know how to take my humor. They aren’t sure if I’m joking or not. Sometimes even my friends that have known me since ages, are taken aback by the things that come out of my mouth. I just think that if you decide to consider me your friend, you should know what you’re getting into. You are eventually going to be a target of humor and ribbing. My friends don’t seem to mind this. That’s pretty much the basis of any one’s friendship with others.

Most of my friends I have kept for years, are used to me. Most of the time they just shake their heads and mutter, “Fuck you!” I don’t have many friends. I don’t have many friends because people are so sensitive and insecure and I know any little thing I say is going to rub them the wrong way and they are going to take it personally. Thanks, but no thanks. I’d much rather stick to having friends who know how to take a joke as just that… a joke.

I got off topic, anyway. I understand that we grow up and we grow apart. I was asked by someone if I’d be upset if for some reason I was no longer friends with a certain friend of mine. I didn’t have an answer. I don’t know still. This person is one of my best friends and has been for several years. Then again, I pretty much cut another person out of my life recently to whom I was extremely close and felt nothing about it. We grow up, we grow apart. No sense pissing and moaning about it. I shrug and say to myself. “Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Enjoy the rest of your life.” No big deal. Maybe that’s harsh of me, but that’s just how I am.

Hell, it may be a defense mechanism. Who knows? I just always keep my fingers crossed that no one asks me this question because I really don’t want to answer.

I don’t feel I need to sacrifice who I am and have always been because a friend doesn’t agree with it. I believe that as a friend, you should accept me as I am. My good and bad qualities. If you decide to exit my life then it really is no skin off my back. I’m not changing for anyone. I was told by someone a few months back that I am “not the gal she knew.” Well, obviously you didn’t know me well in the first place. Then again, you’re not the person I thought I knew either so I’d say we’re even.

P.S- In the words of my hero, “Apathy is the best therapy!”

Posted in close to heart

F.R.I.E.N.D.S- The chosen ones

*sings* So no one told ya life was gonna be this way… (clap clap clap clap): I can listen to this n number of times and not get bored. Precisely why its the tune that rings when my close pals call. Close pals???

Having spent numerous days busy at home and work , I’d started to go a little stir crazy. I am a person who thinks way too much, and being alone while struggling to keep calm and composed when the world around seems to come crashing down equals crazy neuroses and unnecessary bad feelings. So a day with some good friends, going the cinema and having lunch together was just the thing I needed to pull me out of my lowness.

So I sat down wondering which of my friends I should call. It struck me then and struck me real hard that the friends who were so close to me was no longer around. Busy they all were with no time for friends at all. I couldnt help wondering the number of times I have jeopordised my job and family to help them when they needed someone.

To be totally honest, I sometimes feel distant from my group of friends. We’re all in different places in our lives and I guess we’re starting to grow apart. I struggle sometimes as well with the conversations we have. We discuss our lives a little, and I like knowing what’s going on with them and I do make sure I am up to date on whats happening, but we don’t share personal things anymore. My dad is unwell,fighting Cancer and it’s a herculean task to keep him fine mentally and physically. At first I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to get upset; as time went on I didn’t want the conversation to be me and my problem centric. Part of me thinks that because I’ve had to deal with dad’s illness and the problems that surround me,  I have just matured a lot and don’t find small talk funny anymore, so I feel like an outsider sometimes in my group of friends. Not that we talk a lot but when we do I find it absurd that I just can’t relate to them anymore.

Sometimes one of them calls and I talk. She seems to be the ONLY one who seems to understand what I am going through.The others all know about it but just does not seem to care or bother and that hurts. I was there for them at their worst times but now that they have a life:marriage,husband etc they do not seem to be bothered about my life. Does it happen to everyone or is it me? Am I expecting too much?? I Don’t know.

Thank god for those really few friends of mine who seem to be there. Maybe they know what its like to feel alone when ur in trouble. Maybe. Or then they know il be there for them when they need help and dont want to let go, Just in case.

So that day I called up one of those few and told him I needed a break and he did come and take me out. We went fora movie then had lunch and stepped into our comfy zone for a cup of coffee. We did have our issues that day but I still felt totally at ease and happy, thinking that, when you need it, without even realising what they’re doing, your friends can make you feel better about anything.

I have had bad friends and good ones. I have learnt to let go of the bad ones and keep the ones that I know will be there with me till the end of time. They are just a handful but I know they will hold my hand, always. They are my friends and I love them; After all they are the family I chose for myself.