Posted in m@dness

2014 Wishlist

I am going to not like this post because this would just prove how I dont stick to resolutions! So Ill just start with striking off the things I do and then no explain why I dint follow some most of the resolutions! The resolutions for 2013 were…..

  • Learn driving
  • Renovate Lotus(my house! So that I get a room that i can call mine. I still have a room but that was passed on to me from my brother and I have to move out to the lounge everytime he comes home!)
  • Continue to workout and lose weight( maybe aim @ 60 kg) I didnt reach 60 but at one time I touched 66!!!
  • Maintain an accounts book(this one is recycled)
  • Find a husband, if am entitled to that is!
  • Paint more
  • Go abroad! Even Bhutan/Nepal/SL would do. Or Maybe Malaysia 🙂 Doctor I, you listening ryt!
  • Get a new job- a more fun, thankful, challenging job.
  • Learn one new language( that should be challenging)
  • Be more optimistic and look for reasons to smile more. Ahem I hear that some people loveeee my smile.
  • Be more organised
  • Spend 10 minutes every single day for myself.
  • Have fun!
  • To do what I think is right and not what the society(Read : extended family, pesky friends, neighbors, unwell wishers etc)

So Yes thats last year’s resolutions! In short, I renovated (My das I mean) Lotus and I got a room for myself and I got married and I moved to a foreign country! Ok, Dufai is not foreign for Mallus , nevertheless I did travel abroad,, ryt! Summing up the entire year: The company I worked for gave me some credit and importance in January when I did a corporate/brand makeover for them, I met my now husband for the first time in February and we got engaged in March. I earned a bonus from my company which I spent in Dubai, when I went to meet my husband(at that time, fiance). I resigned in June and sat at home with some freelancing and things for three months. Got married in August and celebrated my 27th Bday with Ro in September, here in Dubai. Started Job hunting in September and got a job in December 🙂

We humans gotta learn from experience mistakes. I sure do! So this year I am not going to make any resolution and am just going to make a wishlist :). Its a lot less complicated. There’s no pressure to perform before this year ends and because its a “wish”list, it’ll be something that I am wishing for, that shouldnt be hard no?! So…

TADA!!!!!! Here’s The Mad Wishlist for 2014

  • Drive my husband around town 🙂
  • Take a vacation! Just us!
  • Surprise Ro and see him give me that smile from the heart.
  • Save Money and Invest intelligently
  • Wake up everyday and not be sulky of having to go to work
  • Attend Mons and Su’s and Deeps wedding!!!!
  • Make the lives of those that I matter to, a little more brighter!
  • Learn to bake 🙂
  • Maintain a healthy lifestyle( AM not too sure what I mean here)
  • Read much more books than last year.
  • One Good Deed A Day

And thats it folks! I am done for the year. I cant take a break and all that because I am at work and people in this part of the world arent much into celebrating New Year the way I am used to. So before I let you go, three more things.

1. I hope you have a really amazing year. I hope you are at peace throughtout the year. You dont have to be happy all theough the year but I sure hope god gives you the strength the fight the sad time. Love, peace and joy are my wishes to you this year. Happy 2014 🙂

2. Nothing is ever going to be complete till you make sure that you are truly blessed from the heaven above.  I for one need a little tug and a push here n there. Sooooo

Dear Lord, please give me… A few friends who understand me and remain my friends; A work  which has real value and which would help me contribute something to the world I live in; A mind unafraid to travel through the journey of life , An understanding heart; A sense of humor; Time for saying thank you;A feeling of your presence  and the patience to wait for the coming of these things, With the wisdom to recognize them when they come. Happy New Year to you too 🙂Amen.

3. Thank you dear god for all the things you gave me and helped me with. Thank you for showing me the man who makes my life beautiful every single day.. Thank you for giving Das the strength! Thank you for keeping my friends happy an at peace. Thank you for blessing Sin, Div and Joey 🙂 Thank you for letting me catch up with speed. Thank you for making me realise that every setback in life is reason enough to believe that something good is on its way. And above all thank you for letting my 2013 be a year I’d love to go back to.

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Posted in close to heart

I am back, for good.

I know I have been doing disappearing acts quite frequently from the beginning of this year but yeah, i am back. And I am back to being “jumpy in a nice sort of way” from “jumpy in a horrible sort of way”! You, as regular readers would know I have had two horrible years in a row and to be honest I was expecting this year to be horrible too. But, no(touch wood, now!!!!!! and only then continue reading). I am glad things are working out to be great(Touch wood again.)My head has been full of thoughts. All that I am going to write in this post would been written on separate days and in separate posts if I were around the last few weeks. But fortunately I was learning to keep my thoughts to myself. At least until it’s OK to spill them out. If you ask me, that indeed is a big thing for me to learn, if you knew me and my verbal diarrhea!

After very long phases of desperate fighting and proving and longing, I think I just about managed to reach a point in life where I had no complaints. But along with it has come a lot of cockiness. My edges have been smoothed out in the last few days, and for that I am thankful. I might just be a little more patient from now on. And a lot less cocky. But that doesn’t mean I am going to stop ranting about morons. I will just be more patient with them. But if someone gets on my wrong side, I will still wish hell upon them.  I have a lot to learn.

I think I have become so used to not bein happy that I am worried when I am happy. And I am so damn happy. Happy in a way that is scary. I smile a lot now. I sing most of the time. I laugh with people. I help random people. I am happy!The worst kind of anxiety is when your troubles show signs of ending. I am scared of this feeling of being on top of the world(which I, as a matter of fact was on top of at exactly this time last week. In the real sense.)Haa so I cant believe I can actually be so happy. Its like a new world for me and the best part is that life hasnt even started with Ro and I am actually already this happy! I believe in god now. I believe that when people say things dont work out because there is something much much better out there, it really is true!

I admire people who have the kind of faith in themselves that they can let go of clinging on to someone so “intangible” – God. For me faith was that last and final thing that brings me hope just when I am on the verge of losing it completely. Ro is spiritual and not religious and that I am glad. I have never been religious. But faith and deriving strength from it is a different matter – I am glad I have it now! i thank god every single day for giving me what I deserve. Yes, I cried to god for all sorts of things , fought with him because he didnt give me what I asked for and questioned him as to why he was making me go through so much and then finally I prayed to him and told him this,” Dear lord, I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made in my life. I promise not to repeat anything ever. I will forgive all those who have hurt me and will wish them well and pray for them all my life. I want you to forgive me as well. I want you to  make sure that you leave me with no options other than what  you want me to do and above all no matter what I want in life, I want you to give me what you have in store for me. That is my prayer to you.Today and everyday.” And this prayer gave me the strength to change my life and it has made me a much better person. I have found a man who loves me unconditionally and I am irrevocably in love with him too. And that I think is my true blessing from the skies above.

Friends. WHat would one do without them? I have a lot of friends but only a few have managed to form a lasting bond. Div and Deeps are my sisters in arms. The ones that I turn to when I need tht push. Joeey I wonder how miserable life would have been if you hadnt come back into my life at a time I needed someone the most. Bless you, girl. Mangu, my soulmate! Sin, the one that plans to stay behind the scenes for the rest of my life, Ol woman, there is no problem that I have that cannot find an answer when shared with you, I cant wait to get to you in September. Psycho, Captain you guys definitely make my world a better place to live in and last but not the least, my family. Thanks for accepting me with everything that I am.

Ro, a mention on a post is not enough to explain what you mean to me.So I shall not speak now. For now, remember that you are right at the centre of my world and you fill me with a love I have never ever known. During my times of struggle – major and minor – I have been told two things – “keep the faith” and “don’t forget to see the humour”. In the last few weeks of desperate anxiety and uncertainty, I tried my best to do both (see how grown up and all I sound? :P). I can’t go into the details here, but all I am saying is that Ro and I have overcome our first struggle as adults and as a couple. And no, we were not fighting. Not this time 😉 And we have come out of all this stronger. Happier. More drunk on life. And I think more in love too.Thank you for loving me.

For now, there is work to do before I take a break, people to thank, songs to sing, prayers to say and a lot of love to give. I will see you around!

Posted in m@dness

Somedays….

..you wake up knowing that the sun  isn’t bright as it usually is n its dark n gloomy outside. You are late n your hair refuses to behave and a large, red zit makes itself comfortable on your nose. No time for breakfast and the cup of tea that you just about have time to drink burns your tongue. You drop the phone on your way out and it bursts into three separate pieces, the battery goes flying right to the end of that tiled porch. After you reach the gate, you realise that the oh-so-important- parcel is still on the dining table and you turn your front door knob three times the wrong way before you get it right. The rains cause damage to the already crappy road and the traffic on the road forces you to slug forward at snail pace. You give people in other cars the best glare you got, wishing you could get away with showing them “The Finger” and drive off through the long, windy road to sign into the office a good 20 minutes late. The boss chooses this day to be in one of his worst moods ever. The management announces that there are no seasonal bonuses this year and as usual you have to “get the message across” to people concerned. The friend ditches dinner and you are stuck alone on a Tuesday evening to sulk all by yourself. The person you are trying to make a life with is busy making “moves” to alter his life.You head home, sadder but none the wiser. You get one good bang on the back of your head courtesy the headboard as you try to snuggle in and block the world out. One last sigh, one last prayer… Please let tomorrow be better.

Some days…

….you get to leave office early. You overhear someone appreciating you. Your old friend calls you to ask how you’ve been. The friend calls you over for dinner and you talk, talk n talk. The person is happy so you are too.

And you go to sleep with a grin that refuses to be wiped off and a prayer… Please let everyday be exactly like this one.

Somedays…….

 

Posted in m@dness

O god, Please tell me!

Disclaimer; Now just because I have been writing a post too many on praying and stuff does  NOT make me OLD!I am just getting more and more in touch with my spiritual self!
When we pray, what do we pray for? Do we ask God to give us everything or do we ask Him to give us what we badly require? Do we just irritate Him all the time with our never-ending problems, or we just wait, watch and see what He has in store for us? Me, I have started telling him to take away everything else thats not meant to be mine and leave me ONLY with whats meant to be mine! At times I interrogate myself in between prayers. “Should I ask Him to solve this and this problem for me?” “Maybe I shouldn’t ask too much. I sound too demanding!“. Some might say that you have to ask everything openly — demand your rights; get your word out there and stuff. That if you don’t voice what you want, how will He know?
I remember as a kid, I used to ask God to assist me first-hand whenever I was at a crossroad. Before flipping a coin I used to ask Him – “Ok now… Heads is what I want, so tell me if I will get what I want okay?”. Secretly I try to bribe Him – “If you make the coin show Heads up first, I will come and see you at the temple today!”. He didn’t somehow like the bribing and I always happened to see the opposite side of the coin. Then I go – “Damn. God is too busy processing other coin flipping matches now. Maybe I should try later’. Then I keep flipping the coin till I get “what I want” after which yours truly is a very happy lady. (Now I am beginning to understand that it was a sign. He was telling me, try try try till you actually get what you want!!!)This is basically how I used to pray back then – with bribes and by using tools to get indirect answers from the almighty. I mean He can’t really scream out from heaven in response to my questions (that’s so ungodly like no?), so I might as help Him out by giving some medium through which He can answer. “O god please tell me” , coin flipping, paper chits, dice — all of these were used to “get an answer”. Sometimes I get tempted to try all that again. But considering my success rate with the same, I rather not. I think God has already given His answer when it comes to using such techniques. See, even He doesn’t like dirty politics !
Some preach that no matter how much you pray you will only end up with what He thinks is right for you. And I’m a believer of this. Because of this belief, I have always restricted myself from placing too many demands while praying or getting too upset when something doesn’t go the way I want it to. However, these days I have pressure from a lot of things and people. I cant figure out what or where my life is headed to. Right now, I cannot even toss coins and take chits coz I really have no choice exactly. I can only pray that things tune themselves and that I be able to find some kind of clarity to my life soon!
I just came across this prayer by Rabindranath Tagore and I feel it befits a person who thinks the same way I do — a person who never demands anything in particular, but just strength to deal with everyday problems.

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.

Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield,
but to my own strength.

Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but hope for the patience to win my freedom.

Grant that I may not be a coward,
feeling Your mercy in my success alone;

But let me find the grasp of Your hand in my failure.”

Eat, Pray, Love, people… and stay happy, always!
And if prayer doesn’t help… Have a chocolate!!!
Posted in Moanday Mornings

Faith

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, may not be a castle after all. And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Once in a while, just like faith.

Posted in m@dness

>Love Always

>

You saw me dance- when i thought no one was watching… swaying and moving to the unsung song of my heart, those clumsy feet moving to a divine rythm of thier own…

You saw me smell the flowers, fresh from the garden… d smell so delightfully new, the petals such a glorious color, their texture smooth… ah!!! to be alive and to be able to feel…

You saw me smile when the phone began to ring… the slight flutter of my heart, the silent prayer upwards hoping it would be him calling just to say…

You saw me sing… with lyrics that were far from original… yet oblivious to the anything but the melody on the radio…

You saw me heave those sighs, eyes full of unshed tears, wondering why he wasnt there… wondering if he have forgotten me…

You saw me go mad with jealousy… to see him smile his special smile with someone else, to share his dreams and hope with others…

You saw me cry when he left , standing all alone, bereft and miserable, wondering if I would ever be the same again, if I can ever want again…

You saw me laugh, you saw me cry, you saw me in a crowd, you saw me all alone… You got me through nights when i couldnt sleep… You kept me going when i thought all was lost…

I’ve prayed for you, yet cursed you when you came… You made me happy, you made me sad… You’ve tormeted me,yet you made this world such a wonderful place… You taught me about life, you let me grow, and how to face life with a smile, even when you’re crumbling inside… and in the end when everyones left… you showed me how to be me…

What do i call you… well I call you… Love…