Posted in close to heart

Ramblings-7

I am not a very “virtual reunion” person, everyone doesn’t evoke the same kind of nostalgia in me. Surprisingly, most school folks do, most college folks don’t. I can’t talk nineteen to the dozen with everyone. With a lot of people I can, with most I can’t. And I can’t have prolonged conversations about in laws. Or about the dorks whose names I no longer remember. And I can’t answer the same questions worded differently for 10 excruciating minutes… Or more!

Especially on Gtalk and Skype.

Especially on a weekend!

Is that a problem?

So stop complaining.

P.S- Happy Weekend

Posted in m@dness

Change is inevitable

Aankhon Mein Jisaki Koyi Toh Khaab Hai
Khush Hai Wahi Jo Thoda Betaab Hai
Jindagi Mein Koyi Aarju Kijiye, Phir Dekhiye
Honto Pe Jisake Koyi Toh Geet Hai
Woh Haare Bhi Toh Usaki Hi Jeet Hai
Dil Mein Jo Geet Hai Gunguna Lijiye, Phir Dekhiye

Phir Dekhiye (Rock On)

People who knew me during my school and college days will find it difficult to believe what I have become now. How MUCH I want from my life? How desperate I am to create a niche for myself and not get lost in the crowd of mediocrity. And how desperately I want to do it on my own terms. I don’t understand complacence. I probably just refuse to. At the cost of losing my peace of my mind ever so often.

This morning as I woke up, I suddenly felt all my apprehensions go up in the air. I think all it might take to get that grip back would be to stand up, shake myself and just start doing what needs to be done. I may have to work harder, fight it out, constanly, proactively look for options because all what I seem to want looks out of reach. And then when I go to sleep at night, I can look back and feel like I have done something worthwhile. 

I may seem like an extremist (and from what I know of myself, I am really not that). But that’s me. I have given up things that i love, compromised on things that I’d wanted and sacrificed things for people i love. I have absolutely no complaints because I knew what I was doing all those times. All the experiences, the people and the situations have made me change. I change but not at the speed of lightening and not when I want to. When I am driven to a point where I have to give in to the change, I embrace it. Yes it hurts, sometimes it feels like its easier to die but then again change is inevitable and so I give in. Again.

I am ecstatic this time though. Because yet again, living life on my own terms has paid of quite well!Maybe change is good. 

P.S- Till next time if you want a change, just get a pair of new shoes!Don’t believe me? Remember Cinderella whose life changed because of a shoe;)?!

Posted in m@dness

I, Me, Myself

Good Afternoon people! It is a Wednesday afternoon and I think most people I can see from where I sit are in a cranky mood! Soo I was away with family for some family bonding giving  each other solace n all that and I am going to be on and off in writing till the new year. Not that I have lots of things to do but I need to get some time to myself and do some me time before the new year begins and so I will be on a wavy mood(high and low) !

It irks me. The being pulled out of the comfy zone I mean.It’s like being pulled out of a cocoon. It always feels terrible to get out of one’s comfort zone. But as everyone knows, you can’t achieve anything unless you get out of it. Change of phases always bring me a great discomfort. Eventually, I do end up liking them though.

When I was in school, I was damn sure I will never like college. First of all, I had to go to Tamil Nadu and talk to my classmates in Tamil. It’s not that I don’t know the language at all n all that but if you speak to me in “Senthamil” I would look as if I was just given a time bomb. I would never get to lead that super cool life like in school were  I was just so carefree, enthusiastic and in love with life. I would never get to travel in my school bus, hang around the local shop with my friends etc. And on top of that, I  knew I would get a culture shock at CBE. If I sound like a rude mallu, I must admit that I was one! The me taking a liking to CBE was a gradual process. I slowly started liking the place. I started liking the “chilli parotta” which was the only reason I didnt die of hunger in my first year. But then like I said I would have found some reason or the other to like the phase anyway. I met Div and Deeps there and formed a bond for lifetime. By the end of my third year, I was completely in love with the new phase.

By the time I reached my final semester, I knew I had to figure out what to do so I decided to study further. I came back to my hometown to do my masters. I wasnt too glad and all that but yes the fact that it was my hometown kinda gave me a high. By the third semester, I was damn sure I wouldn’t like going to work. Too much responsibilities. Too much headache. And you can’t sleep during work hours. When I started to work… it didn’t turn out so bad. The money earning part I just loveeeee 😀 The financial independence is just awesome. I have been working for about 3.6 years now and have loved it till now( though I still crib about the lack of sleep and not being to sit at home and idle n all tht)

Now its almost time for my next transition(the nost major one by far) and I feel the same discomfort. Maybe all this uneasiness is for the good, as proved in the past. Though I think this transition phase is a lil harder than the other ones I went through because there is a lot more pressure, a lot more of disappointments.. and you are just looking desperately for that little iota of hope and happiness.

Sometimes, I just wish I could go back to my childhood days and start things all over again…

But then…this is what life is all about.

Posted in m@dness

Spiritually yours

I was in my 8th standard(my friend says its 7th) when this incident happened. It however made me more spiritual than religionist. I would say, it’s the reason I believe in a god and not call him names.

So going back to the incident, the school that I studied in, my almamatter was very spiritual religious. They made it mandatory for all students to learn the Bhagavad Gita ( the holy book of the hindus) whether they were hindus or not. I remember my friends who were non-hindus cribbing about it but nope our Principal was very stubborn in this case. So every Monday and Thursday morning we would stand in the assembly and recite the Gita or the Vishnu sahasranamam. Yes its nice to start the day thinking of god but come on you cannot force someone.

So on that day, a Monday morning, I was standing for assembly in the crisp brown skirt, white shirt, brown tie and polished black shoes, when the guy standing in the next queue poked me. We used to have one line for girls and another for boys of each class. He kept poking me till I turned. He had forgotten his gita book at home and noone was willing to share their book or give one to him. Poor thing. Well its another fact that even though we were in the same class for over 2 year, we hadn’t yet spoken. So me being the ever giving type(yes really, that young), I looked around to see if anyone was watching and tore my Gita book into two pieces and gave him one half. He smiled. It was more of an acknowledgement than a thank you. Grrrrr

The leader, a senior girl came to check if each one of us had a Gita book and caught him first for having a torn book in hand. Then she asked him if it was his, to which he could have said yes and gotten away. He said no and to top it, looked at me!!!! Oh if I was a little taller and stronger, I would have hit him! So we were both taken to the Principal’s office. What happened next changed my very view of religion.

The principal started by saying I had committed a horrendous crime and that it was unforgivable. Yes, she had let him go. I was the scapegoat. To think I had such genuine intentions when I gave him a part of that book. Kindness and sharing, you know. She said she was going to call my dad which would have been fun considering how religious he was! When she realised there was no point calling my dad , she sat me down in her office and said that she would have forgiven me if it was any other holy book! Yes, she meant that if it was the book of any other religion, she wouldn’t have had a problem. But because I was a “hindu” born into a very royal nair family, I had shunned and disgraced my caste and religion by performing such an act.

She went on to say that Hinduism was the primary religion and that the gods in Hindu Mythology were supreme and that all other religions were just copying us etc. I was 13 years then and to this date, I have not forgotten that day. The only thing I told her before I walked out of her office was that the Gita taught us to share and be kind to all of mankind and not just to hindus.

That evening, back at home, after I narrated the incident to my dad, the only thing he told me was he was proud of me for offering help and that he wanted me to be spiritual and not religious. He explained to me that religion was made by man when all god wanted us to be was spiritual. I don’t know why but since then, I have always been spiritual. My god does not have a name nor does it belong to any religion. I pray to god without calling him a name and he does listen. I haven’t visited a temple in years and nor have I gone for any spiritual awakening classes. But I have learnt that every religion teaches you the same thing. Kindness, patience, faith and love for everything/everyone.

Posted in m@dness

Of Old friends, Distance and Telephone Calls

Its raining here now. Don’t know why but rain always makes me write. An old friend messaged me today and was telling me how we don’t talk and spend time together like before. It bought me back to my school days. A time when the most complicated things in life were a one chapter test the next day or a school badge going missing or a torn holy book!( I will write a post on that someday)

Till about 4th standard, my grandma was around to help my dad bring us up, my brother and I that is. Well it was mostly me coz my brother was not around too often as he was away at college. A year and a half I went straight to my aunt’s house from school and when I began to totally hate it, I somehow convinced my dad that I would come home straight from school. So when I was in class 7, I came home directly from school everyday for the next 5  years. Empty home, yes! But empty home came with a gift of sorts, freedom. School was till 1:20 p.m and I would reach home by 2:15 latest. Lunch was noodles almost every day unless I got fed up and made eggs and had it with bread. I still have that emotional bonding with noodles!

I used to watch tv till about 3;00 pm and then take a nap till 4;4:30. THEN the phone calls used to start! I wouldn’t use the word gang coz we used to fight and make up and fight and join other gangs all the time. But I had this circle of about 4-5 people and we used to call each other up every single day like the next day was coming to an end. The phone would just ring non stop! When one call ended, the other would ring. There was no facebook at that time and the only was we could UPDATE each other of our activities were to call each other. No conference call either. So if we had to share some piece of info(read gossip) , the only way was to call each of them up! Now when I think of it I cannot help but laugh at the number of times we were shouted at and reprimanded for the times we called each other up! Jyo, my closest buddy since school and I used to call each other almost 30 times every day. This inspite of meeting in school, travelling in the same bus and staying just 2 minutes away from each other. It was fun. Great fun. Gossiping, sharing the most intricate details of everyday, updating each other by the minute on the activities, deciding who to target the next say, crushes, daily crushes, teachers etc.

Today, we are miles apart, both by distance and mind. We hardly talk once in a week. Updates are seen on facebook and the like/comment is used like read receipt. We meet once in three months, that is four times a year. Catch up on old times, but the distance is there, screaming at my face. We tried every trick to reduce the gap, but sometimes time just gets to you.

When I was a kid, I had just a few people and I was happy and contempt and felt like I didn’t need anybody else other than these people to live. Now, a grown up woman that I am, having so many friends and circles, I feel lost. Somewhere hidden inside is a girl who is still holding on to a phone to get that call of life. A girl who has walked beyond yesterday but not yet reached today.

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Now why would I write about the famous sitcom when I have enough friends and stories to make a sitcom of my own called MAD Friends!?!?!

So this is about my friends, the family I chose, to keep!

A man is judged by the company he keeps. And so is a woman. If this statement is true then this leads to the most contradictory judgments about me, my character coz I have many-many friends and they have such disparate characters. So if a person has to judge me, how will they? Will they see a common linkage between my friends and try and associate that particular trait to my character. I’m befuddled.. U don’t think this can be the case then just go through this and u would know y I am so muddled…. I am sure everyone has different groups. I mean there is a school friends’ circle, a college group, an office group, a jus for fun friends group for that matter etc.

So as I said, my school group.  Now I studied in 2 schools. 12 years in one and 2 years in another. In my first school were i did 12 years of my schooling, we were a bunch of 1o. We studied together till 8th but I guess we all began noticing each other only during 8th standard when all of us got shuffled into different classes. Guess thats when we realised each other’s existence and importance.The way I see all of them is that they are a bunch of people very liberal and trendy….. at the same time they have a structured set of values when it comes to family, religion, festivals etc…. I mean we go to discs, we go to temples, we booze but we also give up if one of the friends is not present, we would go out of the way to help others at the same time be very protective of each other…. Et all…. And we have grown as individuals…. From silly kids being very competing to teens going through rough times to matured people always there when the other person needs someone. We have gone on our own ways but we all know we will be there for each other when something important is happening in our lives.

Now my  high school  group. I only did 2 years here. I don’t have much to say about this one though coz we disintegrated pretty soon… kinda lost touch… the last thing I knew about them was that they r either getting married or they r cruising through their career…. They were the ones responsible to shape me up…. Somehow being with them gave me courage…. Made me meet challenges head on.. But if I have to associate a particular trait to this group it would be a rebellious attitude. To believe what u think and not what people want u to think. I know where a couple of them are but not very close to them,honestly. Probably coz I was still stuck at my previous school, went out with them more and associated with them much more than I did with my high school….

Then graduation group. It started off with 3 people branched out now to about 12 people. This is one group which strongly believed in simple living high thinking. We would spend days cooking, reading books, writing stuff, listening to songs (same songs over n over again), making the warden go mad, teaching each other, thinking and talking philosophy, shopping, spirituality( not religion) and what not.Strong contradictory characters have been very dominant so the group hasn’t coalesced into one…. As a result this group has many different aspects…. It depends on what faction is dominant or what are the circumstances around… We could be nerdy at times, rash at times, extremely tech-savvy to extreme aversion to technology, have a sporty attitude towards life or gossip/bitch about everything and everyone in life, be very aware of current affairs or be extremely ignorant of life around…. All of us shared the same madness. I still know what everyone is upto, talk once a year and keep in touch with each other lives.

My Post Graduation group. were initially a bunch of 8 which then increased to 12 when the boyfriends/girlfriends joined in.  All in all they are somewhat similar to my school group but with an additional thrust on career.They are extremely objective, extremely organized. I have seen them get obsessed with say a project wit the same zeal as they would be for a person. Viability of everything is of vital importance.. I mean doin nethin for just kicks would be an unthinkable idea for them.

So now what exactly is the judgment doled out to me???? Am I rebellious or am I conservative, am I trendy or am I simple, am I practical in life or am I lost….. For some reason I can relate to all….. All the disparate qualities of these groups and yet so relatable…. I don’t know y I became friends with them…. Just thought that they r like me…. Like they say IT JUST CLICKED….. But in the process did I become like them???? I mean I was conservative but have started being liberal about things…. I have become extremely tech-savvy, I have understood that playing cards with friends on an outing is as much fun as going to a disc with them…. I have started being a stickler where necessary….. I have learnt to think for myself….. et all….. Makes me draw parallel with the TV series F.R.I.E.N.D.S…. extremely disparate people but always there for each other….. each person has maintained their identity yet some effect of the group has rubbed off on them….. so when I see Rachel being organized (just like Monica…) I feel well that’s just like what happened to me…. I became friends with all these people because of the CONNECT I felt with them and with time I have grown, matured and sifted out some of my flaws by takin the good things from my ‘Friends’….. An impulse tells me to ask them, “did they get any good things from me being a part of the group???” and the same impulse tells me ” OF COURSE!!! 🙂 “