Posted in close to heart

Memory of a goodbye

Hey Big B, I know you used to secretly read my blog and I hope you still do from up there. I miss you. I know you’d have been there with Das running around and doing stuff with him, for him. He misses you too. He tells me that. Often. I know you’d have loved talking to Ro. You would have loved him. He would have loved you too. I know that for a fact. I miss you. All this would have been more exciting and so much more fun had you been around to give me that push. I have had friends other than you but nobody like you. I know you are watching me from up there and smiling. Grinning actually. Ugh!

People must move on is what everybody says when I talk about you. Nobody really knows what we shared. Even we didnt! And then you had to go. Not to any place on the map but to the world beyond.

The last time I saw you alive, you were laughing at me and saying bye with your hands from inside the car. Captains car. The next time I saw you, it wasnt really you. It was just a body which was cut and sewed. I don’t remember too many details of that October day because it is too painful to hold on to but yes I remember that clean, close and swift, were the words that came into my mind as I realised the silvery blade of a goodbye descend.

Thats how endings should be. No remnants.

Unlike me. I’m still saying goodbye to a person long gone.

Pray for me…stand by me…hold my hand…..wherever you are. I miss you.

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Posted in close to heart

I wish you were around a little longer

A year ago, when my best friend died, I cried. I cried because it was too sudden, because I just couldn’t fathom him not being there and more importantly because I never thought death could happen to someone so close to me. It’s always like that right? We see everything around us but refuse to accept the fact that it could happen to us to0. When things happen to people around us, we thank god that it didn’t happen to us but all the while forgetting that it could happen to us next.

For awhile now I have been hearing  a lot of deaths and maybe because I have been exposed to death so closely that now I am no more scared. I have come to accept the fact that yes, death is universal and it happens to everyone and it could happen to anybody close to me  as well.

Today, when am going through one of the most darkest phases of my life, I miss him.A year ago I had convinced myself that he would come back, that he had just gone off to a far away location and will be back on a holiday and give me a surprise with the pair of jeans he had promised to get me. Today while at work, I said a goodbye in my mind to a person who I had valued more than life and it was then that it struck me that I was left with no shoulder to cry on. I was alone, as always. It dawned on me that neither of them were coming back. One had left for good and the other had chosen to live a life in which I had no role. After my dad and brother, it was these two men who I had sought refuge in and now I was left to live a life with just me to clarify doubts, me to make a decision and me to walk the lonely path.

You can shed tears that he is gone, 
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that he was gone.. and the world would never be the same..The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. He lived so much..He was so full of life, creating memories every second.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember him. I saw him motionless. Pale face, stiff body. I remember oh so clearly.

I wonder why it had to be him?! I guess its because he was so damn popular and maybe too many people envied him. Envied, not disliked. He knew I never was one of those strong people.. He knew me.. He was the one who mended me. And yet he gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to hold steadily

I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone. Two of your girls are married and I guess, the one girl you really wanted to be with still pines for you. God bless her. That family of yours, shattered. Nobody mentions you anymore other than your men, the girl and me.. some say they do remember you. But few remember you the way I do…few.

I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..You knew it.

Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work and exercise and do stuff all throughout the day so that I am not busy all the time, so that I dont have time to think. But I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…

But I want you to know that I always thought there were would be more days that i could spend with you. I kept asking and you kept thinking that you had time. But the truth is, we never have time and neither did I. There is never a good time to do anything. Its all crap what they say that things happen in their own time. Things happen when you make them happen or they don’t happen at all. The right time is always NOW.

I couldnt say goodbye to you, I will never be able to. You left and nobody filled that space. Nobody ever will. I will surely have friends but I will never find my best friend again. It was always you and it will always remain that way. These days I keep everyone happy. I make sure I never put anything for the next day. I do everything I can to make someones day coz I dont know if I’d ever get to do anything for them again. What if……

I wish you were here, Big B. I Miss you..every day. I really wish you are happy wherever you are. I wish I see you again in some life after. I hope you havent found new friends there to party with coz I havent found anyone here yet. I miss your hug, I miss our karaoke sessions, I miss our duets on the phone, I miss our drives, I miss doing your office reports, I miss not wishing you on your bday, I miss you climbing my gate, I miss your concern, your love, your security and everything we shared.

If you get a chance, please come back……

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

I miss you

Everyone has a special friend. One friend who is enough to make up for all the countless back stabbers, the no good friends, the heartbreaking boyfriends and the sibling whose love is conditional. I was lucky too.

We weren’t the neighbours turned into friends type. I dont even remember noticing him till I came to 4th std. We were in different classes(thankfully) but because we stayed in the same area, we traveled by the same bus( which we gave up to get the cheap thrill of travelling in line buses and availing SC’s).  We were part of the same gang and somehow noticed each other just enough to enquire about each other’s absence. Somewhere in probably 5th standard we got talking and became friends. By the next year, we  began to talk  on the phone atleast 5 times after school every day and by the time we got to 7th standard, I was his sister/counselor/ best friend/ girlfriend getter/tution mate/bus mate/chore doer etc

When I changed schools in Class 11 and went to hostel to do my +2, he found excuses to call me on the hostel landline, sometimes faking my brother’s voice and sometimes my father’s. He also became the family doctor when I was ill and the local guardian that never was! But one way or the other, there would be a call from him every single day. He tried to convince me to take up Engineering just like him because he wanted a permenant solution to assignments! He promised to teach me if I did his assignments. Bull! I knew him better!

While I did graduation in Coimbatore, he had his close friends keep a watch on me. He was studying for Engineering and hehad wooed a girl enough to get his assignments done(he loved her….too). So during my final year practical exams, he accompanied me to Coimbatore with his then girlfriend and we had a bash there! It was the year we had so much fun. Movies everyday…coffee shops, long drives, dancing, taking a tour of the city we were born and raised in, eating like we were starving from the day we were born. It was like a dream.

it was around that time that he made me drink for the first time. I wanted to try smoking but he said no. To this day I cannot even think of taking a puff for the fear that he will whack me. He shoved my fear of dancing up my ass and convinced me that I can sing. I remember he used to wake up on weekends and put on jukebox(a channel where callers could pick up and play songs of our choice) , wake me up and we would sing together for hours. I was a bad singer but he was worse. He had girlfriends all the way right from school but not once did he make me feel left out or wierd.

It was when I joined for PG that he and another A came as my guardians to drop me at my hostel. Yes, a girls hostel. The warden let them accompany me all the way to the 7th floor and leave my luggage there. I remember the smile on their faces even today. He would still call me most days and tell me what was happening in his life.  His family, his girlfriends, his game, his gang etc etc. When he joined for his PG,, my assignments and presentations were ready for him.

We talked less as the career and life ahead got to our heads but we made it a point to keep track of each other. I don’t know when it was that we felt the need to have others in our lives. Was it boredom? no. Was it loneliness? never. What was it? Anyway we began to have another circle of friends, a circle which neither one of us had any clue about and that was the beginning of the end. We began to have excuses for not calling or meeting..for days together.

After we passed out and got jobs, we got back again. Catching  up on old times, laughing at old jokes, remembering lost loves etc. We used to meet each other once a month and whenver either of us went on a trip, we would buy the other a gift. Something to say “I thought of you too”.  Small tokens that meant the world.

I remember him comin to my house to give me a surprise around the time I had my birthday and we stood in front of my house and talked for 3 hours straight. We talked about our school, our love lives, his career, my wedding, travel plans, mutual friends etc. I remember him sending me a message soon after he left that night saying we will meet again,soon and that after a long long time he felt really happy that we spend time together. The next weekend, him, me and the other A went for lunch at a posh restaurant to have a sumptous buffet with beer :). He knew I hated beer which is why he made sure thy had only beer so that I dont drink.

It was that very evening he promised to take me shopping to get a pair of jeans and shoes which was due for many years. That night we messaged for a loong time and somehow happened to share what we meant to each other. I realised that I was a sister he never had and  a  person he was sure would be there by his side to correct him and to support him no matter what his life turned out to be.  In return, he was the person I would turn to in case of doubt, my conscience, the reason I understood men psychology and above all my best friend. We promised each other that we will keep in touch and stay strong like old times.

It was on a cold October morning at 4:30 a .m that I got a call saying he was no more going to call me. He wasnt going to go shopping with me, he wasnt going to clear my doubt or keep me from chosing the wrong path, he wasnt going to be around when I got married, he was no more. He died on the spot in a freak accident. His family didnt know which number to call me because my number was stored in a different name in his mobile. It was stored as SiS.

I think of him everyday. There is not a single road we havent been together on. Every time I have a doubt in my head, I still dial his number and cut. I still hope against hope that its just a dream and that someday life will throw him back into this world and he will find me. He was everything I was missing in my life: a best friend, unconditional love, philosopher, my shrink, the one person I’d decided to follow and that is what he had convinced me of, the last time we spoke.

Last night while I was cleaning my room, I found a box tucked away with a bunch of cards that my friends had given me on my birthdays with most of them being from him, old chits we used to pass around, slam books, autograph books, school badges, my test papers, his test papers and so much more. I looked at them through wet eyes and pushed them back to where I found them. Into a corner, a corner of my heart.

I miss you Sudeep VP, yesterday, today, everyday. And in case you are reading this, I still roam around in that torn pair of jeans coz I havent yet bought a new pair.

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

Hot Chocolate Conversations

Have you ever had a friend who is so crazy that he could travel a few kilometers instead of waiting for you at one place? I guess I am lucky then. I told him to wait for me at one place and  he traveled about 36 kilometers instead of waiting! Don’t blame me for keeping him waiting. He was informed. And besides, I’ve waited for him for so much time, the cumulative can add up to months of standing in front of his house waiting for him!
That evening, we were supposed to go somewhere, but the weather was still nice and my mood was too elated to do any work. We decided we’d hang out somewhere instead. When we reached our favorite place, which is a cafe that is like a second home it was full!!!.I We then drove around looking for a spot and boy we did find one.  Not so faraway from the city, on a lonely(by lonely I mean no traffic) road, a wayside cafe of sorts! We went in and sat in one of their soft and comfy chairs. It was a beautiful place. I wished he(my bestfriend) was here too.  He is always on my mind. But sitting there with my friend and having non-sense conversations and worrying about how life had gotten “out of hand” lately was also equally priceless. And doing that while having a football-sized cup of  hot chocolate added up to make it a wonderful experience. And the ambiance was so good, we could sit there forever – comfy seats, beautiful decorations and soft retro music. We caught up on memories n ol times n how much of fun we used to have earlier n love lives n more.  But alas, we had to go home before our parents filed a missing report at the police station! :p
But it was a time well spent. With my friend.
And I think we both know now of a place where we could sit and talk about anything; or make plans about how we would start our own cafe! :p
Or… maybe just sit and have some delicious hot drinks.
My life is not perfect, neither is it easy. And I believe nobody’s is. But with the right people, living life at least seems easier. When the day ended and I was in my bed, I was happy and grateful, for I had people who made me believe in living life. I could say that it was my best day ever. Ironic that it didn’t seem so in the morning! 😉
I’ve been having sleep problems lately. Trains of thought leave my eyes wide open staring at the sky, wondering if I could ever fly. But that night, I was flying already. And my eyes closed on their own. For I now knew that getting through everyday could be easy when you have love and friendship with you.
To the A’s in my life, love you both. To the best friend whose place no one will ever take, Sudeep Pradeep I miss you all the more every day.  I’d like to believe that you sent these guys and introduced me to them thinking they will keep me safe and warm in your absence.
Eyes still closed, I smiled.
I have them both.
The purest of love and the best of friendship.
Posted in m@dness

Bonds for a lifetime

We all have that person in our life with whom we have a strange connection.
The bond that quite cannot be described or defined.

You both know each other for long. At least waay long than the people that are there in your life now.
But yet, his presence or absence had never made a difference to you.
Even though you knew it made a difference to him.

He was the one who got you out of the depression/blaming yourself/sulking and extreme mood swings period after a horrible break up.
He was the one trying to make you talk when all people got out of you were ‘Okay’s’ and ‘Fine’s’
He was the one trying to distract you to other things even if they were downright stupid and secretly made you smile.
He was the one always texting you even though he knew there would be no reply from your side.

I never realised all this.

For so long.
To me, he was just another person.
The person that I am.. who likes being in a shell and doesn’t open up much except to a few.. I hardly cared.

BUT, now I have come to terms with a LOT of things and especially about the uncertainties of people staying in my life.

I wish I had told him how much he meant to me, how much of a difference his presence made to me, how much i used to look forward to spending time with him, how secure he made me feel.

I would do anything in the world to see him once again….

Sudeep VP, you are missed by every living cell in my body and each second it only seems to increase. I want you to know that nobody will ever take your position in my life. There will always be only you there. My best friend…..always and forever.

There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the pointless drama and the people who create it.

Surround yourself with the people that add meaning to your life.

Life is too short to be wasted on controlling,insecure, jealous and unstable people.

Posted in close to heart, m@dness

To My Best Friend….Forever..

August 1,1985 is the day he was born, 11 months before me. That additional time is what gave him the edge to act like the superior one ALWAYS. He has been the elder brother to me, my friend, my best friend,my philosopher and guide from the time I have gained my sense. We stayed very close to each other,went to the same school, same tuition and had the same friends. My god he was one popular kid! In school, college and the places he worked. His parents had named him Sudeep VP but he was rarely called that. VP for less intimate friends, Pundu for close friends,Swarna for family and Annan for me.

October 29,2011 would have been an ordinary Saturday if it wasn’t for that one phone call that changed everything. 5:40 am is when I received the first call. It was my friend Anoop who was mumbling quite a few things all at once. He said Annan had an accident then he said get ready then he said annan is no more. 5:45 am I called annan’s mobile and his brother picked up which was very unlikely. He told me annan is gone. He died.

Everything else that happened that morning is still a blur for me. From one hospital to the other. Taking calls, answering messages all the while trying to convince myself that he was still around and that he was just fooling all of us. We got his body at around 1:00 after the post mortem.

It was an accident, a car accident. A nasty one that killed two in the back seat. Yes it was the result of drunken driving. Nobody’s fault. Fate that’w what everyone seems to be saying. Whatsoever I lost him..forever.

I want to write but just can’t seem to do it. All for another time.

To mybest friend forever….You will always hold that position in my heart. Forever. I will remember you as my own angel for the years I have left in this life without you.

Wherever you are may you find happiness and peace. When you look down you will see that everyone has only fond thoughts about you and you will know what you meant to a lot of people.

Love you always….

Your maalumol.