Posted in m@dness

Ten Commandments to satisfyin a woman

I am sure most of you thought I was gonna write about some other type of satisfaction. Sorry to disappoint!I am getting married. Oh not so soon maybe but yes, in another 4 months I AM getting married. So everyday my friends n I keep talkin about everything converning marriage and we seem to come to this consensus concerning the relationship men and women have!  Women and men are as different as chalk and cheese. Men always find it difficult to understand women. Or so they proclaim.But believe us, we are not that difficult to understand. Just try to keep the communication channel open and see how things fall into their place. Here’s a guide of some of the things women wish men automatically understood and remember it’s neither rocket science nor micro-biology.

And the Ten Commandments are:

1. We know men are low in EQ (Emotional Quotient) but make an effort to understand emotions. But remember we don’t like men who can’t control their emotions. Cry babies (oops men) are not what we are exactly looking at in life! We’ll do the crying, you solve the problem!

2. When we talk, pay attention to what we are saying. Don’t just nod your head and continue watching the cricket match on television. Listen dont just hear! Most times, we are trying to catch your attention!

3. Your mother might be great in the kitchen and can whip up gourmet dishes in no time. But sorry we can’t go on listening to your running commentary on her remarkable culinary skills. Appreciate us, once in awhile. Tell us where you want us to improve.

4. We believe in the power of communication. So, talk, fight but don’t just go into ‘silent’ mode. Leave that mode to your mobile phones and us;)

5 All of us  completely love a dash of chivalry in our partners. So be courteous and show us that you are well brought-up.

6 Don’t brag. Showing off really acts against you. Be subtle about your fat pay packet, your swanky car and the like. That shows your class.

7. Don’t think that you own us. So, behave accordingly. Like men folk, we also like our own space.

8. Romance comes naturally to us just as sex is natural to you. We love it when a man expresses his love. So, please show us that you love. Say it through flowers, dinners, gifts and of course count surprises as an important element of our DNA. Understand these basic points and act accordingly

9. Don’t try to give us lessons on moral science. And for heaven’s sake don’t comment on a low-neckline dress that we wear and comment on how sexy the other woman in a similar dress looks!That’s a very cheap thing to do. However, if a dress doesnt compliment our body, SAY IT!!!!!!

10. Don’t crack jokes on our family members, close friends. Show your great sense of humour with a touch of sensibility.

 

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Abandoned love

 

I know how you feel. Like an old lover. Abandoned and slightly bewildered as to the reason why. Why suddenly…

And I like the bad lover make up excuses. Ummm… I was busy.

If there is anything I want to say at the moment it is that there really is no other blog. I swear.

But yes, there is someone else alright 😉

So my dear blog, I promise to get back on track in a week’s time. Till then keep our friends entertained with your old posts.

And remember, you are still second to none :0 Mwaah

Posted in m@dness

Let there be rain

“…These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall 
This is the wonder of devotion – I see the torch we all must hold. 
This is the mystery of the quotient – Upon us all a little rain must fall.”

-The Rain Song,  by Led Zeppelin.

I am back and am happier than last year. Why, you ask. I am happier because I know I’ll have a super year because when the clock struck 12 on 1st morning, it rained! And it rained just the way I liked it. To me it was like washing away all my past, all the hurt, the torture and everything I was sad for last year. To me, the rain told me that this year will be a year I’ll remember in a very happy way. Hmm Lets see……..

I have always loved rain! I have written about it a lot of times! Why do I love it? I don’t know. I just always have.

Rain is an enigma, a symphony, a powerful force, a lifegiver. I love how rain can almost always prove you wrong. You may be angry or frustrated and you angrily walk out into the rain, hoping for some sort of understanding,denial or absolution. As if  the gray clouds and the tiny puddles will give you answers. But before that earth-shattering moment occurs, you are drenched. Completely. Not just by the droplets, but by the smell of rain, and what it does to the environment around you. The rain commands your attention. It’s just you and the rain now. No, you don’t want to attain nirvana, like you first thought in your fit of chagrin. All you want is to roll around in the mud. You want to stomp around in puddles like noone’s watching. You want to love, laugh and live!

For the sulk in you, you can crib about the traffic jams and the floods all you want. Sometimes I do, too.  But you just cannot deny the beauty of this weather. Raindrops falling elegantly on the black asphalt of your potholed road. The exquisite smell of wet mud. The long walk with no umbrella over your head. The element of surprise as it suddenly stops. The glimpse of a rainbow.

Aah so as much as I love to believe that this year definitely has something good in store for me, I must wait for time to tell me if my intuitions are right or not. So Y’all have a super duper year and I hope that you had a great start just like I did.

 

You think I idealize the rains, eh? Call it a genetic defect, that I love. 🙂

“Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby.”

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The person you have called…..

Getting fired by the boss in front of the office that contains a bunch of snickering jobless aunties is awkward. Watching a sex scene on television with your parents is awkward. Seeing an old photograph of yourself when you thought you looked ravishing and now, with the recalibrated perspective of time, you realize you look like a before and after version of some twisted “Put on 15 kg in limited time” medicine is awkward. All three have happened to me but you know what I find more awkward these days? Phone conversations. My friends wouldnt have agreed if they hadnt witnessed it. But yes, I cannot take calls and I hate taking them.

In my opinion, chatting on the phone is an inherent talent much like acrobatics or pole vaulting. To some it comes naturally. My dad conducts hour-long  phone conversations with people every day, discussing his office politics, rehashing gossip, dissecting new ones,complaining to relatives and sometimes random people about how am not serious about marriage etc. Listening to this particular friend of mine on the phone with her man and her friends is like watching the flow of a river: gushing in smooth, powerful waves. Listening to mine, on the other hand, is like watching a  Sylvester Stallone film: bleak silences punctured by spurts of action.  ‘Chatting for fun’ on the phone is a concept beyond my limited powers of comprehension, now. I usually adhere to a strict ‘state your purpose and hang up’ policy. EEEEEEkkkssssss, I am beginning to think that I am turning into some sociophobic bimbo!

My problem these days is compounded by two factors:

1)My brain is not hardwired with a voice recognition software. Simply put, it means that when I get calls from unknown numbers I am pathetic at recognising the voice on the other end of the line. It could be my boss or my best friend of twenty years. Confessing ignorance might be at best an insult and at worst a fatal mistake. Hence, how do you decide the degree of familiarity your reply should contain? ‘How positively delightful to hear from you after so long’ might be a tad over enthusiastic when the caller is a friend you speak to every single day!

2)I get bored after sometime. The person on the other end might be speaking about a galore of things that interest him or her but i get bored! I cant help it if I have limited stuff that amuses me or entertains me, can I?! So I have started doing this Hi, hello, how are you and then talking for two minutes and hanging up on some pretext. 

I try to avoid phone conversations as far as possible. Besides the ‘strictly business’ phone calls, the only ones I make are birthday calls. After ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘What plans for the day?’ I hit a rock wall that I make half-hearted attempts to climb with some tepid hemming and hawing, until the birthday boy or girl puts us both out of our misery with the pretext of a call waiting. Or a call  to ask someone something that I cannot type on a message coz it would be way too long. 

Ending a phone conversation is something else that befuddles me. Phone etiquette dictates that the person who makes the call should be the one to end it. When is the right time to do it? How do you do it without invoking the charge of abruptness? How to know when you’re drained of conversation if you didn’t have any in the first place? So, I have started telling people that  I have a call coming in (after punching some key on the phone so that it makes that kee kee noise) and so they would ask me to take that call. Nasty me ryt!?

 More recently I’ve started practicing my ‘call centre’ voice, mostly inspired by a scene from a mallu movie I saw a while ago. A man receives a call from an unwelcome party and replies in a stiff, mechanical voice, ‘The person you’re trying to reach is currently on another call. Please try again later.’

P.S- Dont stop calling me though 🙂

Posted in m@dness

Marriage is funny!!

I feel damn lucky to have so00 many ppl in my life who are actually bothered about my married life n all that. All of a sudden I have a number of people (who were never there while i grew up) advising me about one important event that would take place sooner or later – marriage. Blush..blush.hihhi

Person 1: ‘Don’t marry anyone born and brought up in Gulf. They are two-timing bastards.’

Me : ‘Err…’

Person 2: ‘Don’t think that you wont get anyone. You will. Don’t feel bad and frustrated.”‘

Me: ‘ Eh, I think I am a very marriageable person. I look decent and have good qualifications and have a gem of a character. So buzz of. Frustrated, my ass!’

Person 3: ‘Take your time in knowing the person. There’s no rush.’

Me : ‘Umm…’

Person 4 (from Chennai): ‘In fact, people from chennai are nice people.. you should get married to a mallu born and raised in chennai. It would be a pleasure to have u here!’

Me : ‘Uh uh…’

Person 5 (a lady): ‘You should get married only to a person who will stay away from his parents. They will interfere in everything’

Me: ‘oh!’

Person 6: ‘You should get married to a person who would want you to stay with his parents. You will have more people to advise and take care of you.’

Me: Ummm

Person 7: ‘Look out for elder sister. They will make your life miserable. 

Me: I have an elder brother and my SIL and I get along really well. How can it be different with Elder sister?!

Person 8: ‘ Marry a man who drinks but doesnt smoke.”

Me: Now thats a sensible suggestion. I wouldnt like it if he were to just watch me drink!!

Person 9: ‘ Marry a healthy well built ( Read: Fat) man’

Me: WTF lady!!! You mean to say I am fat!

Person 10: ‘ Best is dont have any expectation of the guy. You will be happy with what you get. There are men in multitudes but they are all the same when it comes down to character!’

Me: Hmmmm 

I feel cared for! *sniff*

But they ended up talking about adulteration, weirdos, loveless marriages, boredom et all so common in marriages nowadays…

Shit! Now thats intimidating! And I am begining to think of making a list of what I want and what is right and then putting it up and doing a swayamvar of sorts! I am royal blood you see!!!

Soooo all of you bachelorettes out there, join me and let us pray for a bright and rich future!!!

Posted in m@dness

One of those days….

There are days when all you want to do is sit in a sunny house and water the plants and watch them grow. Ponder sitting on a mat of sunshine streaks ,watching the dog trying to catch his tail , then come to you wagging and rest his face on your lap – looking at you with soft moist eyes.( I miss you mickey)

Days when all you want to do is look at the garden and the trees swinging, and watch the wind go by caressing the wind chimes and they in turn chiming, softly ringing – acknowledging the favor.

Days when a cup of hot black tea topped with the lime from your little garden is enough to satisfy your soul.

Days that you spend doing nothing and come back to the world soaked in bliss.

Days when all you need is sunshine and a cup of hot chai; when all you want to do is potter around the house dusting the pillows and spreading that thick blue cotton bed sheet to the strains of  Yesudas immersing you with his velvety‘Tere mere sapne ab ek rang hein…

Days when you take yourself gently by the hand and calm your restless mind and tell all is meant to be and allow yourself to be content.

Days when you chuck the keyboard and take your favorite pen and that hardbound book with the picture of the seas and the maps and yellow pages and write a letter to your unborn that one day he will read and remember his then young crazy mother and think – “Oh she used do things other that feed me gooey stuff”

Days when you think of Mary Poppins and Jane Austin …Days when you read all those Zen books immersing yourself in the wisdom of the ages.

Days when just having the dog flop down by your feet, warming your toes and the sunshine soaking your bones is enough. Nothing more .Nothing less.

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Being Chivalrous

I am mighty pissed, not because I worked till past midnight tonight,reaaaally late last evening but because the world today has forgotten what chivalry is all about. Okay for those who have forgotten really let’s take a pause here and find out what it means. Chivalry  is having the qualities of gallantry and honor attributed to an ideal knight.

I for one believe in equality of the sexes, I oppose separate queues for women at a ticket reservation counter, I am against gender bias of any form except probably in a  local train (and everyone knows why).

I am pissed because it was late and this particular colleague of mine didn’t offer to drop me home. I stormed out of office thinking, “what an insensitive being, how un-chivalrous of him”. After all the cussing (in my head of course), I began to think. Most women have some distorted meaning of the word chivalry, for them it’s this preferential treatment that they have been subjected too.

I don’t need men opening doors or pulling up chairs for me, neither do I want them to drop me home after working till late, but just like every other woman in India I am a hypocrite and I admit I love it when they do all that. I am a big sucker for this preferential treatment that I have been subjected to – tax benefits, shorter queues, lesser crowds, opening doors, holding my chair and millions of other small benefits that I have taken for granted, so much so that I think it’s my birth right.It has been ingrained so deeply into us that, any accidents on the road we seek to attribute it to the women-are-bad-drivers phenomenon. It allows any woman to walk away scot-free, after having run over any animal / person / thing, without bearing damages (that’s why I am so kicked about driving).

The world has witnessed many waves of feminism that has not just empowered women but has spoilt them as well. How am I ever going to grow up if the men folk flatter me by feeling me up in a public train or if a financial institution honors me with a free credit card? When can I tell myself the world is truly unbiased towards both sexes, for wherever I go there are special fast track queues for women or the woman’s double-discount-dhamaka plasters on every store?

Holding doors or bags etc. are such archaic definitions of chivalry. For me chivalry is in the heart. It’s in the manner of speech. You just know the man is chivalrous when he treats you with respect, he never addresses you condescendingly and his remarks are not derogatory.

When I turn around at my doorway after a long dinner to catch that final smile and wave before he drives off, I know he is truly chivalrous.

Sometimes I think I will make an effort to be this spoilt brat, its totally worth it.hihihihi