Posted in m@dness

When I got thinking

When you get a holiday on a working day, what do you do? Me… I cook, read, watch TV and above all think. I’ve been thinking, about nothing in particular, and everything in general. The outlook is rather grim, for some reason. I’m not very clear as to what that reason is. I suspect it is more because of self indulgence than any concrete malady. So, now, I obviously have to overanalyze it. Goodness, this blog must be the most mixed up collection of crap in the world. Or maybe not. Lets not be presumptuous so early in the day.

Sorrow, pain, misery. It has some sort of strange glamour attached to it. The songs that touch us the most are the ones that speak of loss, and unrequited emotions, and what could have been. Just look at that very astute index of human emotions, the old Orkut(Remember Orkut?? The life before Facebook) profile. So, what did you learn from your past relationship? More often than not, never to trust anyone (girls, in particular, seem to be the most heinous offenders of the heart). Its a not too obtuse way of hinting at a broken heart, a tragedy that lends some texture to life. I call it the Meena Kumari Syndrome(MKS). That esteem able lady made a career out of speaking in a low, sad voice and drinking along. I’ve always laughed (secretly) at people(including myself) lost in sorrows of their own making. Laughing on their faces gives them an opportunity to feel misunderstood, and the pain just keeps increasing.

Recently, it looked like a variant of MKS had come to bite me. This particular variety of the disease makes one angsty and blue for no paricular reason, and manifests in a huge jump in the number of thoughts whirling around in the brain, till the head wants to explode and the heart wants to take a nap. The only reason that seemed to justify this bout of the blues was that my plan wasn’t working out. Which plan, you ask? The Plan. The outline of what life is supposed to be like, the one that I’d worked out when I had when I was just about 8, which was going horribly awry. All of yesterday(or most of last night) I tortured myself (and Das) being listless and listening to bad music, loitering around the house talking to myself. Today I decided that I’d had enough. I wrote down The Plan on a sheet of paper, and threw it out in the trash(No I didnt burn n flush it like Kareena in Jab We Met. Maybe I should have). Symbolism, very profound. I don’t care, The Plan can take a hike in the garbage truck. If I’m gonna be inflicted with MKS, I’m gonna own up to it and not hide behind silly reasons like The Plan. And the next time you ask if anything’s wrong, and I say nothing’s wrong, and continue to mope anyway, you’ll know that I’m telling the truth. It is precisely ‘nothing’ that makes me sad most often. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to sleepwork. Some things are sacred.

                                                                  “Tell me now what would you do, what would you say?
                                                                     When there is no black or white, only shades of grey.”
 
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Posted in m@dness

n they say Life holds all answers!

To be happy or to be successful?
There are those who think happiness is overrated.
They are the ones who don’t understand life at all.
If that makes me selfish or an objectivist(mad word of the day), so be it.
My life. My terms. I want happiness. Lucky for people, I find happiness in the smallest things.
I’ve been feeling apprehensive about my future of late.What do I really want to make of my life?Will I able to make a difference? Bring about a change in attitude, circumstance or ideology. I don’t want to be just one of the many with a high-powered prestigious job and hefty salary who makes no difference if alive or dead. I really don’t. I would much rather earn a smaller income, do what I want to do and be happy in my life n make a difference to the lives of people.Yes, I know how many reading this will think of the immature idealism underlining this statement. No, I am not lazy and thats not why I chose to settle down in a nice cozy life. I believe that because you have ONLY one life, you are supposed to do what you want with it instead of thinking about what people might say if you don’t have a 7 figure salary by 30 n stuff! Bah to them!
To be honest, as I write this, I am thinking of the impracticality and impossibility of it all.I hear close friends talking about leaving the country and never looking back. I hear all the rationale for getting a good job “somewhere” and being ‘settled’. And the funny thing is, that also makes sense. A lot of sense. That might just be what I end up doing with my life.Aiiiyyyooo!
It’s just that the idea of being ‘settled’, implies a certain amount of complacence and satisfaction with what I see around me. There are so many things I’m thinking of right now and unable to frame coherently into a sentence.For lack of a better way to put it, I would always like to be somewhat dissatisfied with what I see and what I do. Or else, what is the point of it all?
See I told you I am going nuts with each passing day.I have completely forgotten the point of this post. Tell me if you find one.;)
Posted in m@dness

Running away

Have you ever thought of running away? Yes, I have. A couple of times. On trips to Bangalore when I was my own and only company, I have thought of just running off to some place where not a soul would know me or find me. Its not that I have too many problems in life but there are problems that I really have to run away from. Thoughts and memories that keep coming back to me no matter what. And that is frustrating. I was never like this. I loved life. I had people telling me that I had a spark in me, a spark that would never go off even if I was having a bad time.

Now there isn’t anyone telling me anything. No spark, no people. I cry all the time..I get annoyed very fast.. I shout..I act bad to people…n Now, all I want to do is run!

I want to run away from everything. It was a point where I could just not put up with anything or anyone. I couldn’t take it any longer. I just want to run. I took a long way home one day to decide what I want to do in life and thought. I realised slowly as tears blurred my eyes that no matter where I run, I am never going to get any peace of mind. I realised it is not people who were pulling me down, it’s the thoughts and memories. People remind me of good times I had and how it all ended. They remind me of places, times and memories. I am carrying it all in my mind, afraid that if I let it go, I might not survive. I tried to cry it out, but then the pain turned into anger and I couldnt.

Running away…but lately  I have  realized, the one thing I want to run away from is the person I am… from myself… but darn- it just keeps coming with me wherever I go!

If one day, I muster the courage to run, don’t stop me n don’t come looking for me…

Posted in Interesting Reads

Smile n Frown

Smiling takes effort, when a frown will do just as well,

just some way to shape your lips when most of the time not a single soul will notice but we still try and put on a show. Whether I smile or frown, is all a part of the role I play.

Apparently showing the pain or hiding it shows our judges of character and whether I want to roll up in a ball and hide behind a wall of sheets is my decision. It doesn’t show that I am weak, and do not belong here.

Then does smiling show that I am a fool with no heart and am just an empty shell without a soul.

Either way I am judged incorrectly. So I chose to neither smile nor frown. Both take too much effort,but still cost the same amount of pain.

 

Posted in m@dness

In awe…

What intrigues me is not the fact that sometimes you’re insane,
But the fact that sometimes you’re not.

What surprised me is not the expression that you give when you are shocked,

But the expressions you give when I am.

What pleases me is not the way you blabber when you’re glad,
But the way you celebrate when I am.

What saddens me is not the face you make when you’re annoyed,
But the face you pull when I am.

What puzzles me is not how you question what I say,
But the way you understand what I don’t.

What baffles me is not the way you behave when you’re angry,
But the way you behave when I am.

And

What astonishes me is not the fact that I’m with you,
But the fact that you’re with me!

Posted in close to heart

Awake, in thoughts

She can’t sleep though she never had a difficulty in going to sleep. That was once upon a time though.  Every time  she shut her eyes, images flit across, like a movie. The temper in his voice, the raised tone filled with anger, frustration. And then the audio track runs. ‘You cant understand me.’ ‘No respect for my time or space.’ ‘ What do I not do to make you happy?’ ‘Pushing my limits.’ Everything

She turns over, all restless. And then the past. A recent, not so old past. ‘Leave me alone.’ ‘I regret you.’ ‘I am not the one you’re looking for.’ ‘There’s always more than one.’ ‘Life has to move on you know.’

She waits, lying on her side, waiting for the pain to ebb into something dull. She has no more tears left. She glances at the clock above her bed. It shows 2:15 am. She remembers telling him, ‘At midnight, magical things happen.’ And then he called that night and said “I Love you.” She sighed, that was again a thing of the past.

For a moment, she thinks of missing work the next day. The thought of curling up into a ball and just lying there is very appealing. But her chin moves automatically upwards. She has had enough of the people she loves. They will not love her back the way she wants them to. Ever.
She rubs her tired eyes. They seem to be murky most of the time now. The red t-shirt she wore seems to dissolve into a pool of blood by the side of her bed.  Tears? Drool? Or just blood?She experimentally reaches a hand out, as if  he would be there like he always said.’ Your head on my chest and me holding you tight.’Nothing at first. And then, she feels a warm  something feel her hand. For a moment, she imagines his lips over hers. And his face blurs into that which can never be. The something would as usual be the teddy he gave her as a valentine day gift, once upon a time.

Far far away, in a not so small, white house, in the rainy July’s of Kerala, a man throws off his blankets and mutters ‘ Screw this. I couldn’t even sleep last night’ . He isn’t  sure why he is so restless.

Maybe he was awake in someone’s thoughts…